Telling now-adult kids about separation when they were young.

[Fireyflies]

I split with my kids' dad when they were very young. Gave them vague and age-appropriate answers to why we didn't live together as they became old enough to ask. I didn't want to damage their relationship with their dad by saying bad things about his behaviour.

DC are now in their 20s and recently suddenly pushed me on what happened and why you. We were on a walk together, along with their two partners, and I was a bit blindsided by it. DS said he could see I wasn't telling them stuff and I said that I wasn't wanting to talk right then in front of all 4 of them. I am fairly sure one or both of them will pick the conversation back up soon in private.

It's so long ago and something I don't dwell on. But their dad was shit, treating me awfully and chasing after other women. I've never told them this, but they're both very open with me about everything in their own lives including relationships. Is it time to be fully honest and trust that they will forgive their dad? Or should some things stay private?

I’d leave it.

TBH they deserve to hear the truth as objective that you can make it. Ie he cheated etc, trust was lost in the relationship because x y z
they are adults and should be able to make their own minds up about a person

I think that given that they're specifically asking, they must want to know, so I'd tell them.

You don’t have to share anything you don’t feel comfortable with…:full stop, that includes sharing info with your kids.

If you feel it’s because they are having difficulties with their DF, then yes you may want to share but that’s up to you.

Kids often take sides and it may be your ex has been telling them nonsense, so again, yes it may be worth sharing but only if you feel comfortable.

I would tell them your XH wasn’t faithful and it wasn’t something you could work through.

id tell them, you could explain that you’ve moved on and really don’t want to dwell on it then state the facts, One of them is going to bring it up, if you don’t address it they’re going to imagine all sorts of scenarios which may be far worse.

If they want to know and they ask I think you can objectively tell them the truth. And you can always follow it up by saying but he’s always loved you and been good with you and it was a long time ago, or something if you want to keep it on a positive as much as possible. I wouldn’t lie or refuse to answer if you want the relationship to stay open as it sounds like it is now.
if they ask direct questions like ‘did he cheat’ I would answer honestly but probably not give more info unless they ask direct questions about it. eg ‘yes’ rather than ‘yes for 6m with some tart from work’
I would expect a bit of backlash from him if they mention it to him though

They both have a pretty good relationship with their dad. It's unlikely he's been telling them much - unless they've been pushing him too I guess? In which case my guess would be he'd cop out of answering by saying it was my decision. He won't have been badmouthing me I don't think. I don't worry about damaging that relationship as much as I did when they were young - as they're less black and white in their thinking now. I'm not really sure how they'd react though.

I don’t think things “should” stay private. But I strongly feel that if the parents don’t want to say, children have no right to information about the relationship between their parents. So I think that you’d be perfectly within your rights to say “mind your own business”.
I also think it’s totally fine to say “this is what happened” if that’s what you want to do.

"Ask your dad".
But
Be truthful they old enough.
"He had affairs with other women. His behaviour was not acceptable to me. "
Simple

If you don’t tell them, they’ll start imagining all sorts of things. I think that your adult children are entitled to know why their parents didn’t stay together. I would initiate the conversation, as they may be wary of upsetting you, in view of your recent reaction. Something like @Harrietsaunt‘s reply will be enough, I’m sure. They’re not little kids and I doubt they’d be pressing you for all the gory details.

I would be honest and tell them the truth.

It wasn't quite as simple as having affairs though. He was demanding a right to an open relationship and chasing after other women, which I knew about. There isn't a neat and brief term to describe what was going on.

How about ‘Dad would have preferred that we weren’t exclusive within the marriage, and I wasn’t prepared to accept that.’?

He behaved really badly, it was a very difficult time.

I’d insist on telling them together, no partners.
I’d answer as much as they asked, as long as it didn’t feel intrusive.
I think they deserve to understand the context within which you managed to be a well balanced and awesome mum, who let them enjoy the best of their dad.

Thanks. That's not bad as a blame -free summary. But suspect they'll push on what triggered the split - that's what they focused on in the recent conversation, what had initiated it. (Honest aswer being him snogging someone I loosely knew in a pub where others I knew went, which made me feel humiliated. But should I say that?)

He was behaving badly with other women, in public, in places where he and I were known.

This is when old fashioned phrases like ‘carrying on with…’ are handy.

They are adults now, if your ex didnt want his kids to think badly of him then he shouldn't have behaved badly. You arent going on a big rant, you arent doing it to get back at him, you are doing it because they've asked and want to know the truth.
You dont want to teach your kids that shitty behaviour in relationships should be behind closed doors, not spoken about, or that speaking about it is shameful. This is a great opportunity to have discussion with them that might make it easier for them in the future if they ever end up in a similar situation to come to you for support.

I would.

Me and my brother always appreciated that my parents were honest with us for the reasons for their split (my Mum more so than my Dad, he struggles somewhat with admitting he's less than perfect)

I won't lie and say it didn't affect my relationship with my Dad, but my relationship with him wasn't great anyway. He's fundamentally a selfish man, and that affects his ability to be a good parent just as much as it does to be a faithful husband.

Do you not think that they might draw their own conclusions, and leave it there? Idk, but I’d be very surprised if my adult children pressed me for more detail, if I told them similar. Surely they would see straight away how unworkable that was (from your pov, anyway). Justification enough for you to walk away, I would have thought. The snogging was just the last straw. If they do press, I would just say ‘He started paying attention to someone I knew’. They will know how that would feel.

I’d just say he cheated. Simple. That’s reason enough to divorce. It’s not exactly uncommon.

"He was unable to remain faithful in a monogamous marriage, and I was unable to accept polyamory."

I would tell them the bones of the truth but leave out any specifics. They’re adults and in their own relationships so I think honesty is important, not just for their own sense and understanding of their own lives but also might give them things to think about in their own relationships.

Has he changed at all since, settled down etc.?

He is currently in an unhappy marriage, and looking to divorce. But I don't think it's the same issues causing it tbh. I'm not aware that his behaviour carried on into that relationship. Not so sure why - maybe he grew up a bit? Though I can't be certain, as I don't talk to his wife at all and DC aren't close to her either so wouldn't know her side of things.