Telling now-adult kids about separation when they were young.

[Fireyflies]

I split with my kids' dad when they were very young. Gave them vague and age-appropriate answers to why we didn't live together as they became old enough to ask. I didn't want to damage their relationship with their dad by saying bad things about his behaviour.

DC are now in their 20s and recently suddenly pushed me on what happened and why you. We were on a walk together, along with their two partners, and I was a bit blindsided by it. DS said he could see I wasn't telling them stuff and I said that I wasn't wanting to talk right then in front of all 4 of them. I am fairly sure one or both of them will pick the conversation back up soon in private.

It's so long ago and something I don't dwell on. But their dad was shit, treating me awfully and chasing after other women. I've never told them this, but they're both very open with me about everything in their own lives including relationships. Is it time to be fully honest and trust that they will forgive their dad? Or should some things stay private?

That’s how i would put it I think. Too immature, not ready to settle down and still wanting to sow his oats, while you needed a man and a husband. They can draw their own conclusions then. If they press for details, I’d just say he cheated and you weren’t prepared to put up with that. I don’t think getting into the actual details would be helpful for anyone .

I know you have said they have discussed their relationships with you and you think that is a reason to reciprocate. However they have only told you what they want to tell you. It might be everything they are aware of and it might not. Even if they have told you everything it doesn’t give them the right to open up bad memories and feelings for you.

In terms of what you want them to know, think about it in terms of what you want them to learn about you and life. It shouldn’t be only about your ex.

You can let them vaguely know without details, just say he had an affair perhaps, enough to satisfy but nothing too negative

Plainly I’m the anomaly here but I don’t think children (even when adults) are entitled to know the details of either their parents relationship or why that relationship broke down. Where’s the good for anyone in discussing this? I assume this was years ago.

I’m divorced with now-adult children. They don’t need to know all the ins and outs and who said what. It’s not really any of their business and would serve no purpose after all these years. Water under the bridge.

I would want to tell them the truth just not all the gory details. People in their 20s now aren’t going to be overly shocked at the idea that your ex wanted an open relationship and you didn’t. That was what triggered the split, you wanted different things. I’d probably say that you hadn’t been getting on well before that either (if true) and just say everything combined meant you couldn’t be together any more.

Don’t do what my friend’s mum did and tell them all the ins and outs of the father’s cheating. It was way too much for the kids and unnecessary for them to be burdened with all that.

Basically. Yes because that’s the truth.

He wanted an open marriage and you couldn’t agree to that. Then you discovered he was seeing other women anyway. So you ended the relationship.

It’s pretty cut and dry. They might feel a bit shocked that that’s what their father wanted, but that’s a discussion for them to have with him if they want to.

What, if anything, do they remember about the split or about the relationship? I’ve had similar questions from two of mine when they turned 15ish, although not the same circumstances for break ip, their dad was angry and abusive to varying degrees to me/them and they had certain memories of certain incidents (which I hadn’t realised they had as they were quite small when we split) so I had to be honest as I didn’t want them to feel gaslit or that they were remembering incorrectly. I just stuck with the facts as best I could. They were quite relieved to have the real story match up with their memories. They have an ok if not terribly close relationship with their dad and that conversation doesn’t seem to have changed that

@ZebraPyjamas DD remembers nothing as she was 3 months old. DS was 3.5 years at the time was quite aware of the fighting and used to come comfort me when I was upset (which I hated him seeing but failed to prevent). When I explained we were separating and asked how he felt about it he said "good". But I'm not sure whether he remembers any of this now. He certainly didn't understand the cause of the rows.

The trouble is that I can't just say "he cheated" or "had affairs" as that isn't strictly true. I was aware of the other women he was lusting after. And that he considered them must more attractive than me. He told me everything, there was no cheating in that respect.

He didn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship and I did.

Out of interest, did he coerce you into agreeing, or just go ahead regardless of what you thought? Because it’s still cheating, regardless of whether he cared that you knew.

Can you tell them what you told us here? (They are grown ups and can cope better with honesty than platitudes.)

He treated me badly and behaved unkindly.
He told me he wanted other relationships and chased other women in front of me.
He got closer to another woman / some other women than I was comfortable with.
He told me all of this himself. I don't think he was actually unfaithful while we were together but I was very unhappy and couldn't carry on in the marriage with him behaving like that.

I think it's fair to say that he wanted an open relationship, you didn't. You were made aware of an incident you didn't tolerate. If they want to know more direct to their dad. No one is thrown under the bus but there's enough truth in the explanation.

I guess coerced? He basically said that he couldn't be happy in a relationship with me unless he was allowed other women. I felt no choice but to agree to it, but set down some parameters (when he was working away, and no ongoing relationships) but he broke those and chased after people I knew. But I always knew about it - he told me every time, whether I wanted to know it not, even when he'd been unsuccessful and was angry and frustrated. "Cheating" seems to me to be about something happening behind your back so doesn't seem quite the right term to use. I suspect he'd reject it if the kids asked him why he'd cheated.

That all sounds quite toxic and abusive. I’m amazed you put up with it for the time you did.

Why have you got to tell them? It’s yours and their dad’s business.

You can tell the truth without going full on slagging him off. Just state the facts but if he didn’t want his kids ever finding out what he did then he shouldn’t have done it 🤷‍♀️. You ending the relationship and splitting up was a reaction to his behaviour.

Obviously if you don’t want them to know you don’t have to disclose anything to them.

I would be honest and say “It is very difficult to explain, even now. My relationship with your dad took a downwards turn after dc2 was born. Your dad put pressure on me to open the relationship to allow him to see other women. He went ahead and broke the limits we’d agreed on and I felt that I couldn’t concentrate on being the best mum I could be with all that going on. And so we separated.”

Thanks - that's helpful. I like the way you've put that. And yes, you're right that I'm struggling a bit to think how to explain it as I've not dwelled on it in recent years, and probably do see it through different eyes now than I did in the past. I was quite young then, and tolerated stuff I probably shouldn't have.

Though I don't think I'd say I'd done it in order to be the best mum to them - that was part of it, but I did also do it for me. I would want them to know that that's OK.

Most of the worst of it was while pregnant with DC2. At the time I hardly knew anyone who was a single parent (I know heaps now!) and couldn't face the thought of having to tell everyone and then going through childbirth alone. I regret not splitting up sooner though. I put myself and DC1 though a lot of stress because of it.

All power to your elbow, @Fireyflies!

One of my adult DC know why my ex and I split, and he was so upset by it (treatment of his half brother, my older child) that I never told the other. I only told him as it became applicable in another relationship their dad had. I think in my ways it tainted his opinion of his dad, and it hurt him to think what happened to his brother. Until then none of my kids had ever asked, and hopefully I never have to tell DD. I also don’t want to drag it all up again as it was a painful time. Things have moved on, he has apologised to older DS, older DS no longer cares, but its something i’ll never forget, but do try and leave it firmly in the past.

I think it’s interesting that they asked and pushed you on it, it’s possibly the difference a generation makes. My DP’s had a very messy break up & divorce when I was a child. I would really like to know exactly what went on from both sides but just wouldn’t ask. I think you should tell them the truth because they’ve asked.

In my case DP’s are totally oblivious to the damage caused to me - I think they would be shocked at how much what I experienced as a child shapes who I am today/my own marriage. I wish I had felt able to ask when they were younger- wouldn’t do it now as they’ve tipped into the ‘old’ category in my head which still means something to me in terms of respect but that doesn’t seem to have the same meaning to my own young adult DC who think nothing of speaking up when they feel like it.

Who are you trying to protect here? And, if that's XH, why?

You don't need to go into the gory details but "Dad didn't take his vow of 'forsaking all others' seriously" will surely suffice. You could also say, "I tried to make the marriage work but he flaunted his infidelity until I couldn't ignore it".
Actually what he did to you was emotional abuse, which it seems to me that you still don't want to acknowledge.
I wouldn't be surprised if DC have picked up on something similar going on in his current marriage, which has started them wondering about yours.

I wouldn’t go into detail, just say ‘he was carrying on with other women’. They probably won’t want any more info than that anyway.

They need to know, it telling them will make them blame you. You also don’t know what he tells them. As a child from a break up, I was wrongly angry at my mum as my dad implied she had an affair. If she just told me the truth I’d get it more