Ex only wants to see one child

[Etheelle]

Ex and I have a toddler and I’m pregnant. He’s mentally unstable and decided I had an affair and am pregnant to someone else (not true). He has ended things, and I have said fine, because I’m exhausted of living like this.

He’s now said he wants to see the toddler every other weekend but won’t see the baby at all. It’s only early days in the pregnancy and we are currently still living together as we need to sell our house, so contact doesn’t need to be agreed yet, but what is likely to happen in this scenario?

I would be happy for him to see the toddler on a limited basis (he wants EOWE, I’m not keen on overnights due to ) but I feel this would be psychologically damaging to the baby when they’re old enough to realise?

I wouldn't continue the pregnancy and inflict that man as a dad on another child. He has parental rights, you won't be able to stop him having overnights.

Edited to say you can't limit his time with his child. If he decides to pursue 50/50, he would probably get it. You need to prepare yourself for that possibility, it isn't your decision.

There’s no chance he’ll want 50/50. He is obsessed with his (low-paying) job and only does an occasional nursery run now under extreme duress and I can count the times he’s done bedtime on two hands. He’s got older children who he sees every other weekend (Fri-Sun), and he wants the same pattern. If he is stable, I don’t have a problem with building up to overnights in due course.

My question is on what happens when a parent only wants to see one child and not the other.

You can’t force a parent to see their child unfortunately, so if he’s adamant about that there’s nothing you can do. He is still financially responsible for the baby though so he can’t get out of paying for them

Unfortunately not much you can do if he only wants to see one child & not the other. I would really consider ending the pregancy.

I would also end the pregnancy. This is a horrible situation to bring a baby into and it's setting that baby up for a lifetime of pain and misery.

I don’t want to abort. The baby wasn’t planned as such, but we had previous discussions about having two, and weren’t using any protection. I am pushing 40 and can afford to raise the two children without his input or benefits or anything.

I wouldn’t want to force a baby to go anywhere it wasn’t wanted, and of course only when old enough, but I’d be surprised if a judge would approve a contact order for one child and not the other? It doesn’t seem to be in either of their best interests.

A friend of mine had a swear word guy like this. Cut a long story short, when the baby was born, he wanted to be the best dad in the world and applied for 100 percent custody of the two boys (mum was a higher earner). Courts didn’t grant it so he decided not to see either (even though 50/50 was granted) and hasn’t done so for years.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the way it goes, to be honest. He’s seen SC routinely over the years but only because I’ve done most of the parenting and almost all of the scheduling and communication with his ex.

@Etheelle You tell him to do a paternity test just to set things clear. But he sounds unhinged anyway so maybe best he doesn't see any of them.

A court would treat the children separately.

My ex had a court order for one of our twins and not the other for a while (he didn’t actually see either, nor was he prevented from doing so but that’s another story).

i was told they cannot force him to see children, but equally the court had to treat his application for access to one fairly.

You don't need a judge to approve a contact order, people only go through court if you aren't in agreement. If you agree the arrangement yourselves then that's it. But honestly OP, it is selfish of you to bring another child into this world because you want a child, but this child will likely have no relationship with their father, but their older siblings will. That's cruel.

I think you need to prioritise things here. What do you mean he's mentally unstable? Did you meet him like this?

If you’re still in the early stages of pregnancy I don’t think there’s much point in worrying about it yet - this sounds like something he has said to punish you for your supposed infidelity, and he might have completely changed his tune by the time the baby arrives. Focus on separating your lives so that you and your older child are settled in a new household before the baby is born.

Make sure you get a DNA test, and that he pays for both. I agree bringing another child into this shit show is really unfair on the child. It’s potentially really messing with their mental health if they are treated differently. However that’s obvs your call. I hope he steps up.

While living in the same house I would nod and agree for the sake of peace. Once he’s out tell him he can take you to court for access. I would not let him see one child and not the other, if any man did this to me I’d not want him around any of my children.

I had a friend who teamed up with the mother of her exs other child and went to court, he tried dictating everything his way, the courts saw him for what he was and he didn’t get what he wanted.

By the time it goes to court if he’s so crap you might have enough evidence to show he dosnt stick to custody and visitation arrangements with his other children you can use that against him.

Personally I’ve never understood parents who force their children to see crappy parents, I don’t know any child whose benefited from a forced relationship with a parent who dosnt give a shit.

Wow - the comments here suggesting OP ends the pregnancy are WILD. Having an abortion is a HUGE decision that would take not only a mental but also a physical toll on the mother. The way it is being thrown around as a casual decision here is crazy to me.

I understand this is not a nice situation but this very much seems an issue with the husband and to suggest denying this baby of a life (and a mother her child) because he can’t accept this baby is his is extreme.

My view on this - I’d imagine once you insist he contributes financially OP (as he is legally obliged to) then he will insist on a paternity test. Once it proves the child is his I’m sure he will change his mind on the fact he wants to see them x

Please don't try to bully a stranger into having an abortion she does not want.

is the reason he won’t see the baby that he believes it’s not his?

so simple solution- DNA test once the baby is born.

obviously you shouldn’t have to but if your soon to be ex needs prof to acknowledge the child then you won’t need to worry about the psychological harm of the dad not seeing the baby as he/she grows up.

or is he so mentally disturbed that he won’t accept a DNA test result?

Yes, I would do a DNA test to ease his mind

You wait til the baby is born, go through the courts and if he doesn't admit paternity to the second child, do a DNA test so that he is liable for child maintenance.

Tell him all or none. And stand firm.

You get a DNA test to prove that he is the father and then give him the chance (assuming its safe for the children) to see both. For the sake of your children it has to be both or none - the emotional impact on both children to have him parent one and reject the other will be too much. He doesn't get to screw about with their mental health or with their future sibling relationship. He could go to court, but once you prove that he is the dad and is choosing to reject one child, he's unlikely to succeed.

Having reflected more on this, I think people also need to consider the below when giving advice:

• Suggesting aborting the pregnancy here is very much taking a man’s problem and making it the woman’s/mothers issue - this really does not give out the right message in society. How about we focus on trying to get the husband to do the right thing or suggest helpful options in the instance he refuses?
• The other message here is the “if a father won’t see his children then you may as well get rid of them”. Again, what does this say about women/mothers? Single women are more than capable of doing a fantastic job raising children on their own, so the suggestion that the child HAS to have a father figure otherwise their life is not worth living is ludicrous.

To say I am utterly shocked by some of the views on here would be an understatement.

I'm not. How you choose to read my message is on you. It is in my opinion selfish to continue a pregnancy and give birth to a child you know will have an awful relationship with their father. OP already has one child she is going to have to help navigate through the childhood trauma they will have with a mentally unstable father, why bring another poor child into the mix if you don't have to.

Im sorry it must be painful to be accused of cheating and your Ex alleging the unborn baby is not his. If your Exs reason for not waiting contact with the as yet unborn bay is that he isnt the father, a simple dna test will prove parentage and remove that issue .
If he still doesnt want to see one of his children (thats beyond cruel and damaging to a child) that up to him.