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Original poster

Ex only wants to see one child

55 replies

Etheelle · 13/07/2026 13:41

Ex and I have a toddler and I’m pregnant. He’s mentally unstable and decided I had an affair and am pregnant to someone else (not true). He has ended things, and I have said fine, because I’m exhausted of living like this.

He’s now said he wants to see the toddler every other weekend but won’t see the baby at all. It’s only early days in the pregnancy and we are currently still living together as we need to sell our house, so contact doesn’t need to be agreed yet, but what is likely to happen in this scenario?

I would be happy for him to see the toddler on a limited basis (he wants EOWE, I’m not keen on overnights due to ) but I feel this would be psychologically damaging to the baby when they’re old enough to realise?

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 13/07/2026 16:26

AnonTTC · 13/07/2026 16:16

Having reflected more on this, I think people also need to consider the below when giving advice:

  • Suggesting aborting the pregnancy here is very much taking a man’s problem and making it the woman’s/mothers issue - this really does not give out the right message in society. How about we focus on trying to get the husband to do the right thing or suggest helpful options in the instance he refuses?
  • The other message here is the “if a father won’t see his children then you may as well get rid of them”. Again, what does this say about women/mothers? Single women are more than capable of doing a fantastic job raising children on their own, so the suggestion that the child HAS to have a father figure otherwise their life is not worth living is ludicrous.

To say I am utterly shocked by some of the views on here would be an understatement.

Edited
Show quote history

No one is saying if a child can't have a father figure then they shouldn't be born. Posters, including myself are saying, why would OP knowingly bring a child into the world whose father doesn't want them, and is intending to treat their older siblings so differently. OP also seems to think they will be able to make all the decisions on how much access the father has, which simply isn't true, and she could face the prospect of having to hand a small baby over to this man for unsupervised access. It completely different when children are already here

Original poster
Etheelle · 13/07/2026 16:49

I’ll be getting a DNA test anyway. The child deserves to know who their father is. I’ll also be going through CMS.

I doubt he’ll want to see either of them if it means having to deal with a baby, and that’s his choice. His previous marriage also failed when his children were very young.

OP posts:
catsflorafauna · 13/07/2026 16:50

I’m sorry this is going to sound harsh but because you’ve said he’s had mental health issues (and not working on improving it). I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with any sort of agreement that isn’t through a court and advised by professionals going forward. I wouldn’t be putting forward unsupervised visits and I would be requesting paternity test through the courts as soon as baby is born. I’m sorry I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. All I can say is stay as civil as possible whilst living together. Protect yourself and your babies as soon as you’re out.

Rhaidimiddim · 13/07/2026 16:54

Etheelle · 13/07/2026 13:55

There’s no chance he’ll want 50/50. He is obsessed with his (low-paying) job and only does an occasional nursery run now under extreme duress and I can count the times he’s done bedtime on two hands. He’s got older children who he sees every other weekend (Fri-Sun), and he wants the same pattern. If he is stable, I don’t have a problem with building up to overnights in due course.

My question is on what happens when a parent only wants to see one child and not the other.

My solicitor told me, when ex said he wasn't going to take the younger one any more, both or neither.

But I really wouldn't want to hand over a small child to a man with mental health issues who has decided the child isn't his and doesn't want to have anything to do with it.

PearlCream · 13/07/2026 17:14

The number of people on this thread thinking it's appropriate to wade in and tell OP to abort the pregnancy is actually wild. That isn't what OP has asked for input on and it's absolutely nobody's decision but hers. Some of you need to seriously think about what you're saying.

Original poster
Etheelle · 14/07/2026 10:47

Rhaidimiddim · 13/07/2026 16:54

My solicitor told me, when ex said he wasn't going to take the younger one any more, both or neither.

But I really wouldn't want to hand over a small child to a man with mental health issues who has decided the child isn't his and doesn't want to have anything to do with it.

Show quote history

No, I wouldn’t either. I am planning to be non-committal until I can move out, and then see how things are. I will also discuss my concerns with SC’s mum at this point (I don’t think it’d be safe or helpful to do something before we live separately).

OP posts:
Probablylate21 · 14/07/2026 10:50

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 13/07/2026 13:43

I wouldn't continue the pregnancy and inflict that man as a dad on another child. He has parental rights, you won't be able to stop him having overnights.

Edited to say you can't limit his time with his child. If he decides to pursue 50/50, he would probably get it. You need to prepare yourself for that possibility, it isn't your decision.

Edited

You can’t terminate a baby just because their dad is abit of a knob ffs. Do a DNA test once baby is born to shut him up and if he won’t except them still that’s on him. The baby has a great mother and can still lead a great life.

hopefully OP, he gets some mental healthy support in the meantime and can be a healthy functioning adult by the time baby will arrive

Fartughtyred · 14/07/2026 10:59

This reply has been deleted

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OP did not invite your opinion as to whether to keep the baby or not and your inference that would be selfish for her to keep her baby and should terminate the pregnancy is outrageous. I too find your response highly inappropriate, could you not have just addressed the issue as described in the title?

FairKoala · 10/08/2026 06:25

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/07/2026 14:37

Make sure you get a DNA test, and that he pays for both. I agree bringing another child into this shit show is really unfair on the child. It’s potentially really messing with their mental health if they are treated differently. However that’s obvs your call. I hope he steps up.

Edited

Aborting a wanted baby because their unhinged father who doesn’t want to see them might mess with their mental health.

Does that include every child of a single parent.
You think their children should be dead if their father leaves and doesn’t want anything to do with them as they might suffer some mental health problems.

That would mean I should have never been born.

RowsOfFlowers · 10/08/2026 06:34

Why did you decide to have 1 let alone 2 children with this man, knowing he is “mentally unstable?”
You gotta take some responsibility too

WelshRabBite · 10/08/2026 06:46

OP, you know which way this is going to go.

Your ex already has a child that he barely sees unless you arrange it.

He also has a low paying job he’s unlikely to move from, so with three kids, any CMS you’d get would be minimal.

You’ll split up, he’ll probably see your toddler a few times and then not bother. He’ll contribute very little financially.

IF he manages to get a new partner and she’s interested in raising his babies, then he’ll probably force you to court for DNA testing and more access etc.

As courts often favour the father, it’s possible he’ll get 50/50 and your DC will end up being raised by you, their mentally ill father and whatever girlfriend he’s living with at the time, and the next 18 years of your life will be a trauma-filled battleground.

Alternatively, he may just piss off and you never see him again (or very little).

It’s good that you can afford to raise these DC alone, as unfortunately you’ll probably have to (financially at least).

I’m sorry that you’ve found yourself in this situation, but for any woman considering a relationship with a man who already has DC, you should always pay close attention to how he treats his DC, as that’s the likely way he’ll treat yours in the future.

menopausequeen · 10/08/2026 06:46

I’m shocked at some of the views here. Given the number of single mothers (it is usually the mother) in society raising perfectly lovely children would these posters suggest none of them should have been born? What about a pregnant woman who is widowed?
OP can support the dc herself.
OP I wouldn’t be happy with contact being safe until they are older though so I’d be very cautious.

midsummabreak · 10/08/2026 06:47

BinBasedKarma · 13/07/2026 14:56

Please don't try to bully a stranger into having an abortion she does not want.

Show quote history

To be fair @BinBasedKarma was only putting forward the likely outcome in the circumstances and not trying to be bullying someone. We are all strangers to each other and it’s hard either way, no right or wrong, but this forum is for different perspectives after all.

midsummabreak · 10/08/2026 07:00

menopausequeen · 10/08/2026 06:46

I’m shocked at some of the views here. Given the number of single mothers (it is usually the mother) in society raising perfectly lovely children would these posters suggest none of them should have been born? What about a pregnant woman who is widowed?
OP can support the dc herself.
OP I wouldn’t be happy with contact being safe until they are older though so I’d be very cautious.

Completely agree single mums raise happy successful and delightful children everywhere every day. And Op is already showing she is a great mum by getting out now to make a happy life for her family.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/08/2026 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rule One of Misogyny: women are responsible for what men do.

If OP's STBexH is a dick towards his own kid, that's on him.

Given that we have the science now to prove who fathered a child, I suspect that he's giving her The Script and there's another woman involved at his end.

ForDreamyMintHare · 10/08/2026 07:44

Just keep repeating that he has to see both. He'll fade out of your life quite quickly.

ShallWeDance · 10/08/2026 08:06

AnonTTC · 13/07/2026 14:44

Wow - the comments here suggesting OP ends the pregnancy are WILD. Having an abortion is a HUGE decision that would take not only a mental but also a physical toll on the mother. The way it is being thrown around as a casual decision here is crazy to me.

I understand this is not a nice situation but this very much seems an issue with the husband and to suggest denying this baby of a life (and a mother her child) because he can’t accept this baby is his is extreme.

My view on this - I’d imagine once you insist he contributes financially OP (as he is legally obliged to) then he will insist on a paternity test. Once it proves the child is his I’m sure he will change his mind on the fact he wants to see them x

Yes, and a decision to be made based on the father's attitude ...

Lifestooshort71 · 10/08/2026 08:15

I'm glad you can afford to rear 2 children without benefits or CM - you've said he's in a low-paid job (can't remember exact words) and, because he's a bit unstable probably can't be relied on to pay anything (will he even keep a job if it means paying for no.2!). Decide what it is you want and ignore him. The baby will be too young to notice they're not going to Dad's so you'll have a few years grace for him to either man up and accept both or to bugger off.

MsSquiz · 10/08/2026 08:19

even if the baby is proven to be his and you had a court order for access, he doesn’t have to see them.

it’s shit but it’s true

TheOccupier · 10/08/2026 08:29

Congratulations on the pregnancy! We have had threads on this issue before, I think.

A newborn baby shouldn't be separated from its mum anyway. Get the DNA test just so ex is proved wrong and has to pay maintenance, and move as far away from him as possible. Doesn't sound like he would be a positive presence in either of your DCs' lives.

caringcarer · 10/08/2026 08:37

Etheelle · 13/07/2026 16:49

I’ll be getting a DNA test anyway. The child deserves to know who their father is. I’ll also be going through CMS.

I doubt he’ll want to see either of them if it means having to deal with a baby, and that’s his choice. His previous marriage also failed when his children were very young.

It sounds like he just doesn't much like young DC. Get the DNA test and make him pay for both DC. Once new baby is here and he knows it is his he might well change his mind. I'm sure you can parent the DC on your own and if he's as bad as he sounds will probably not seeuch of either DC.

O00ps · 10/08/2026 08:42

I'm shocked by the number of people suggesting abortion just because the father is being a loser. She is a perfectly capable woman who can raise a child independently.
And in this case it feels like the child might do better (safer even) without the biological father's input if it's going to be negative towards them.
What a cruel man he is, and how horrible for the little children involved.

I think he will also flip flop around on what he wants and by the time the baby is born, DNA has proved his child to be his (you will still be accused of an affair ) and he is paying towards them that he will come up with some other crazy ideas/view about his parenting input (or lack of). You will probably need court if he keeps changing things.

Good luck OP and all the best with your pregnancy

Oreo07 · 10/08/2026 08:42

AnonTTC · 13/07/2026 14:44

Wow - the comments here suggesting OP ends the pregnancy are WILD. Having an abortion is a HUGE decision that would take not only a mental but also a physical toll on the mother. The way it is being thrown around as a casual decision here is crazy to me.

I understand this is not a nice situation but this very much seems an issue with the husband and to suggest denying this baby of a life (and a mother her child) because he can’t accept this baby is his is extreme.

My view on this - I’d imagine once you insist he contributes financially OP (as he is legally obliged to) then he will insist on a paternity test. Once it proves the child is his I’m sure he will change his mind on the fact he wants to see them x

Completely agree with this

Original poster
Etheelle · 10/08/2026 09:08

WelshRabBite · 10/08/2026 06:46

OP, you know which way this is going to go.

Your ex already has a child that he barely sees unless you arrange it.

He also has a low paying job he’s unlikely to move from, so with three kids, any CMS you’d get would be minimal.

You’ll split up, he’ll probably see your toddler a few times and then not bother. He’ll contribute very little financially.

IF he manages to get a new partner and she’s interested in raising his babies, then he’ll probably force you to court for DNA testing and more access etc.

As courts often favour the father, it’s possible he’ll get 50/50 and your DC will end up being raised by you, their mentally ill father and whatever girlfriend he’s living with at the time, and the next 18 years of your life will be a trauma-filled battleground.

Alternatively, he may just piss off and you never see him again (or very little).

It’s good that you can afford to raise these DC alone, as unfortunately you’ll probably have to (financially at least).

I’m sorry that you’ve found yourself in this situation, but for any woman considering a relationship with a man who already has DC, you should always pay close attention to how he treats his DC, as that’s the likely way he’ll treat yours in the future.

Edited

I do blame myself for not seeing the red flags, but throughout our relationship he has seen his children regularly and paid maintenance. He’s complained about not seeing them enough, but has never gone for 50/50 for them so I think it’s highly unlikely he will now. I know he would not want to be “unfair” to his older children, and frankly, he couldn’t handle them all for longer stints or midweek. Frankly, having been a stepmother, I can’t see any new stepmother pushing for greater access to 4 or 5 kids that aren’t hers.

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/08/2026 09:15

ShallWeDance · 10/08/2026 08:06

Yes, and a decision to be made based on the father's attitude ...

Show quote history

Shall women kill their born children because the fathers don't want them? Get boob jobs to please men?

We don't decide whether a child lives based on what the father says. We don't decide what women do to their own bodies based on what a man says.

Abortion is the woman's decision, purely because it's her body that's pregnant. If OP is willing to lone parent, that's her call. Widowed women have done so successfully for millenia.