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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

If ex H dies, do I go to the funeral?

58 replies

wherehaveallthegoodfolkgone · 28/03/2025 00:11

To support my (older teen children?)
Context - ex husband and I divorced 8 years ago. He was awful, serial adulterer, narcissistic, toxic family.
Given that his friends and family (and gf) hated my guts (and I theirs) would u be mad to put myself into the lions den? Can't imagine my children going through something so harrowing without me there to hug them but I imagine I wouldn't be invited...
I'm hoping he's not dying but he's extremely ill and currently hospitalised.
Thanks for any advice

OP posts:
Tereseta · 28/03/2025 00:14

No I would not go, presumably your children will be supported by their dads family.
As older teens there is no need for you to be there. Maybe offer to stay in the car close by if any of them want to leave suddenly?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/03/2025 00:15

Grandparents / Aunts / Uncles / older cousins etc.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 28/03/2025 00:17

Not appropriate OP, no. But your children should go. Are they accepted by EXH family? Could someone else be their go to adult for the day? A grandparent or uncle/aunt?

Original poster
wherehaveallthegoodfolkgone · 28/03/2025 00:17

Ok thank you both

OP posts:
farmergirl15 · 28/03/2025 00:20

My mum came to my dad’s funeral. I would rather my mum support me than anyone else

ForFunGoose · 28/03/2025 00:21

Agree with others, not appropriate for you to go.

ARichtGoodDram · 28/03/2025 00:21

Does he have a new wife? If not then as his closest kin the choice should be your children's. If they want you there then you should go, but only if they're old enough to make the decision fully aware of any problems it may cause.

Original poster
wherehaveallthegoodfolkgone · 28/03/2025 00:26

Thank you, I really hope he survives this. He has a girlfriend who he is planning to marry this summer but so unwell

OP posts:
Tradersinsnow · 28/03/2025 00:39

If your children ask you to go then go. My DH's ex died a while back and he offered to travel to his daughter in another country if she needed him.

Mirandawrongs · 28/03/2025 00:43

I went. My children asked me to.
I can’t say I’m sad he is dead but I’m sad my children were hurting.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 28/03/2025 00:44

Ask your children what they want you to do.

sandyhappypeople · 28/03/2025 00:48

I don't think it is appropriate for you to go in, especially if his family is as bad as you say, nothing good will come of that, but I would certainly take them and wait outside in the car for them to come back out to you.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 28/03/2025 00:49

sandyhappypeople · 28/03/2025 00:48

I don't think it is appropriate for you to go in, especially if his family is as bad as you say, nothing good will come of that, but I would certainly take them and wait outside in the car for them to come back out to you.

She can go to whatever form of service there might be and leave straight after.

They had children together so whatever happened subsequently, they have a history.

Needspaceforlego · 28/03/2025 00:50

I think it's 100% appropriate for you to be there to support your children. I'd avoid the tea after it but id go to the church or crem.

I was at a funeral a few weeks ago and spotted an ex-son-in-law it was still his children gran who'd passed away.

And if its your kids own parent probably even more important your there.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 28/03/2025 00:51

If my kids wanted me there I would go. I would want them to know they can count on me in any circumstance.

mathanxiety · 28/03/2025 01:14

I would go if my DCs felt they needed my support. Maybe hover at the back of the congregation and make sure the kids know where your car is if they go to the lunch afterwards (you probably shouldn't go to that).

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 28/03/2025 01:33

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 28/03/2025 00:17

Not appropriate OP, no. But your children should go. Are they accepted by EXH family? Could someone else be their go to adult for the day? A grandparent or uncle/aunt?

The children should only go if they want to go.

Who knows how their father treated them.

user1492757084 · 28/03/2025 01:43

No one will think badly of you for supporting your children, no matter their age.
Ask them if they would like you there, without seeming stressed or anxious if they choose YES.

Have they been to a funeral before?

Ponderingwindow · 28/03/2025 01:48

This should be up to your children. If they want their mother present, you should be there. Just keep to yourself and blend in as much as possible. Anyone who complains about the children having their mother present is not worthy of having their opinion heard.

MarkingBad · 28/03/2025 01:51

I probably wouldn't in your circumstances, an ex I had a reasonable relationship, then yes, I'd stay at the back and keep low key but not if it was abusive

If your children have a good relationship with your exes family then they could go alone and be supported by them, it's up to your DC really. If you do go, stay low key and let his family know you are attending with your children, someone might come forward and offer to help your DC.

NattyTurtle59 · 28/03/2025 02:14

It's up to your children I think. If they wanted you there for support then you should suck it up and go, otherwise please yourself.

CarrotSeeds · 28/03/2025 02:17

I was in this position several years ago. My kids (older teen and two in early twenties) all asked me to go to their dad’s funeral as support for them. My younger kids especially wanted this but I received a message from a family member saying I was not welcome and asking me to stay away “out of respect” 😳 I was quite shocked tbh as it was my ex-SIL who sent the message and we had always got on quite well. It transpired that it was my ex MIL who had asked her to send the message. There weren’t bad feelings at the end between me and my ex and both of us had remarried (though he and his second wife has separated)

Anyway, I didn’t go, the funeral was during covid so I did watch it on a video link, but it damaged the relationship permanently between my younger two and ex husband’s family. They were very upset even though the relationship between them and their dad had been strained for many years. I had several phone calls and text messages on the day from two of them. My plan (should I have been welcomed) was to sit at the back of the crematorium and not go to the wake but be in a hotel close at hand should the kids have needed me). It was a very difficult time, my ex died mid-fifties which is no age at all and although I was glad we were no longer married I was very sad that he died so young.

ThankULord · 28/03/2025 03:10

How old are you kids? If 11-18yrs, i would be there. I don't need anyone's permission.
If older, it depends on what my kids want.

TertiaryAdjunctofUnimatrix01 · 28/03/2025 05:11

Given how you’ve described him and your relationship, I wouldn’t go. Your children being older teens means they can go if they wish and be supported by his side of the family. You can be there for them at home in the days following.

Respectornot · 28/03/2025 05:28

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 28/03/2025 00:44

Ask your children what they want you to do.

This. I would support my children if I was able to and they wanted me.

But if you are not able to...don't feel bad about that, you can be there for them later.

I think you can forgive yourself for finding it a really hard or impossible thing to do.