If ex H dies, do I go to the funeral?

[wherehaveallthegoodfolkgone]

To support my (older teen children?)
Context - ex husband and I divorced 8 years ago. He was awful, serial adulterer, narcissistic, toxic family.
Given that his friends and family (and gf) hated my guts (and I theirs) would u be mad to put myself into the lions den? Can't imagine my children going through something so harrowing without me there to hug them but I imagine I wouldn't be invited...
I'm hoping he's not dying but he's extremely ill and currently hospitalised.
Thanks for any advice

I think a lot of answers, depends how you view funerals. I personally see them as paying respect to the deceased rather than about the still living. How would your ex feel if you were there, what would he want? That's what it'd boil down to me. Supporting teenagers is a bit disingenuous, you can do that without stepping foot in the crematorium. Like another poster said, can wait in the car etc. If your ex would be OK with you there, I'd go. As he's still alive,if he gets well then perhaps you could ask what he'd like to happen in future.

It was an abusive relationship though...why would she ask the ex, who will be the one who died?

My Mum did, I felt uncomfortable with it but my sister appreciated her being there so it was a positive. The children should be your focus and if there isn't anyone else that can care and protect them then you should be there for them.

I went to my ex’s funeral. I also went to the wake.
It didn’t create any issues and I was welcomed by everyone there.
Maybe go to the funeral, keep a low profile, sit at the back, but skip the wake? You might find that attendees will welcome you & insist you go to the wake if there is one.

Please don’t go. Your presence may add additional hurt to already grieving relatives and friends. Your children will have support from your exes family.

I’m expecting DHs ex to turn up at funerals - hopefully not DH for a long time. She loves the attention. It will just make everything uncomfortable and awkward.

Never went to my exs funeral neither did my kids.
Dont know where hes buried at either we heard the news and that was it no tears nothing.
Just got on with what we was doing.
But untill the day that man died it was like having a shadow over my shoulder.

I personally see them as paying respect to the deceased rather than about the still living

I think the opposite @Arthurnewyorkcity

If my presence would upset or offend the bereaved family I wouldn't go. If I cared about the deceased person I can pay my respects, remember them etc. at another time and place.

I would support my dc by taking them and waiting discreetly.

I won't be going to mine as he treated me like shit after we split

I went to my abusive ex's however dc was only 10 years old. We didn't go to the wake, we went for lunch then the cinema after. I would be lead by your dc but if his family are that bad, attending the wake doesn't seem wise.

Not unless we had a good relationship. I’m assuming your DCs will have support from their paternal relatives. I’d only consider going if my DCs asked because they didn’t get on with the family.

Do your children actually want to go? Do they want you with them? These are the conversations you need to have with them should the worst happen.

OP wants to support her children if they lose their dad. If they are not close to Ex's family and there is no-one to support them at the funeral, it's perfectly reasonable for OP to go with them. I wouldn't think twice about supporting my children in this situation. Their needs come before Exs adult relatives.

I think you should go, unless it's going to create a very bad scene. If your kids are only teens they will need their mum's support for the worst thing that's probably ever happened to them, and to me they are the most important mourners, so their opinion and feelings are very important. I can think of at least 2 funerals where the ex spouse was present with no problems, and they were with either adult kids or no kids together, so less reason to go.

As long as you don't act like a chief mourner, bad mouth the deceased or make it about you, I don't see why not and am surprised it's a blanket no from quite a few people.

Where does it say the children are not close to their dad’s relatives?

It’s not top trumps. The children’s feelings (not needs) won’t come before the feelings of the adult relatives to those involved I can guarantee.

Why do exes feel the need to do this?

He's in hospital he isn't dead yet. All of this is a little premature.

She can support her children after the funeral. With my mother's death the funeral wasn't the worst bit. It was the bit afterward. When the cards stopped coming when life just moved on and my mother was no longer a part of it. That was the hard bit, that was the part I needed supporting with.

I would go but I get on well with my ex H and he is the father of my child. I think my son would want/need me there.

If I was in your situation then I would speak to your children and ask them if they would want you there - and then contact the family, express your condolences and explain why you would like to attend. If they hate the idea then you could suggest that you would just be in the back

My mum came to my dad’s funeral with his current wife’s blessing. She was able to look after my children whilst I was able to focus on the situation around me. I’m sure she wanted to say her goodbyes too. All be it very quietly.

No way I’m going to my exh funeral, and nor should you.

I'd go by what your kids want.

My Dad didn't come to my Mums funeral, because me and my brother didn't want him there. It would have been hard on my StepDad, and to be honest he'd have just used it as an opportunity to socialise with a lot of old friends.

To be fair to him, despite initially asking to come he didn't kick up a fuss when we said no, and offered to look after the grandkids for the day instead.

I'd ask your kids what they want when the time comes. They may want you there, but they may also feel its easier to get through the day if there's no potential for drama, and then have your support afterwards.

Would you want him at yours?

Thats exactly what I meant, perhaps worded poorly. I agree with you. I see funerals about respecting the wishes of the dead, I.e if ex wouldn't want her there, she shouldn't be there, end of. It makes no odds to me, he's dead as my thoughts are what would he want if he could answer. I was trying to say funerals (for me) aren't about the wishes of those left behind/alive.... but I know this is just my view and some people think the opposite of this.
To the abuse comment, I missed that part.. but even more reason why she shouldn't go

You hate him so it would be very inappropriate and hurtful to his family for you to go. He has a fiancé, it sounds like you being there would upset her.

If my DC wanted me to be there to support them when they had lost a parent, I absolutely would be. Attitudes like NewT are weird.

I completely understand you wanting to be able to support your kids through such a sad day, but as they are older teens and have each other, I don't think they would necessarily need you there. What's their relationship like with your ex's family?

Fingers crossed that it won't actually come to this anyway. Regardless of your own feelings about your ex, it must be very difficult for you when you know your children will be upset.