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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Heartbroken and struggling emotionally

75 replies

LS9864 · 08/03/2019 13:46

Hi
My husband told me he was unhappy a few weeks ago and we started therapy, but now he's decided he wants to end it.
He's at work now and will be back later to pack some clothes and go to his dad's.
I'm struggling to cope emotionally and can't stop crying. I'm completely devistated.
I don't really know how to cope with the sadness.

OP posts:
fingernailsbitten · 08/03/2019 14:18

I'm in a similar boat.
It sucks.
It feels like total rejection.
I'm going through it now too.
Have a hand hold amd some flowers
x

Original poster
LS9864 · 08/03/2019 14:29

It's incredibly hard isn't it. I feel so many emotions it really is overwhelming. I know things will improve, but it's hard to see that just now.
Sending you a hug x

OP posts:
fingernailsbitten · 08/03/2019 15:12

If you want to off load here i'm here to listen.
I've been married for 18 years. It is my birthday next week and it feels miserable.

We've been together since I was 20.
I'm having to try to accept he doesn't want me anymore. Says there is no one else. Says he wants to be alone. Sounds like a depression to me.

I thought we had joint dreams and joitn plans for old age.Seems i was wrong.

Original poster
LS9864 · 08/03/2019 15:42

Thank you fingernailsbitten.
I too thought we would grow old together. I didn't even realise he was so miserable.
It just sucks doesn't it. I waver between being completely mortified to being really angry with him.
I think this is going to take a long time to get over.
Sending you a hug x

OP posts:
fingernailsbitten · 08/03/2019 16:02

Someone on another post typed that there is a saying that it takes a month for every year you were together to get over the split. I can't imagine feeling anything for someone else after this. There are apparently many phases to divorce/separation. Like you, one minute i feel tearful and sad and lonely. The next minute I'm angry that he's done what he has done. He's left me. I did not want that but that's what I've got.

A work colleague has suggested I write him a letter to express how i feel. I've drafted one but will keep it in my bag. I may never give it to him.

Do you work? Does it help distract you a bit?

Original poster
LS9864 · 08/03/2019 17:59

fingernailsbitten - I'm the same when I think about anyone else. I really don't want another relationship. I put everything I have into this one and it wasn't good enough. I really don't have the energy to start again.
I do work and it has been a bit of a distraction, but at the moment I've been struggling to concentrate on what I should be doing. I have spent quite a bit of time in the toilets at work crying this week. Honestly I hate admitting that, I know it sounds incredibly pathetic.
We've been together 11 years, and if I'd known this it what I get as a result of that commitment I wouldn't have bothered.

OP posts:
PorpentinaScamander · 08/03/2019 18:01

I'm in a similar place. DP left today. I'm so broken.

Original poster
LS9864 · 08/03/2019 18:27

PorpentinaScamander - It's so hard isn't it. I didn't realise it would hurt this much. I really don't know what to do with myself.
Sending you a hug x

OP posts:
PorpentinaScamander · 08/03/2019 18:30

Thanks LS9864

I'm hurting so much. I'm laying on the bed at my mums just crying.
We hadn't even be together 2 years but I never thought he'd do this.

Sending a hug right back x

Ginandpanic · 08/03/2019 22:19

Snap. My dh told me yesterday he wants to leave. We’ve been together 30 years. I don’t know how the hell im ever going to get through this let alone get over it. There’s no one else, it’s stress and I think his poor mental health and he just wants to get away from everything. Our marriage want great and yet I’m devastated. I can’t stop shaking.

spritesobright · 08/03/2019 22:30

I feel so much for all of you. I swear there is an epidemic of men who just can't cope and instead of getting help they quit their marriage, somehow thinking that will make it better.
My STBXH left 10 months ago, I was shocked and devastated. I cried so much, could barely eat or sleep.

It sounds like all of you are doing better than I was.
10 months on I am in a much better place and I mustered up the courage file for divorce a few months ago.
It's a rollercoaster but you will get through it.

lean on your friends, get a therapist, find your inner strength. It's there.

Yellowshirt · 09/03/2019 01:31

Hi ladies. I'm a husband in the same boat. I was devastated in July when my wife of 8 years told me she didn't love me.
I'm still up and down now and as sad as it is for a man to admit I still cry and dream about seeing
the world together. I miss her most when I have a tough day at work and I need someone to talk to. I now hardly see my 13 year old daughter as well and I've honestly thought about giving up but I'm still here and I think in the long run its for the best.
I think I held her back and wasn't good enough for her. She is a teacher and I'm just a daft truck driver.
I'll be glad now when I'm divorced and I'll never forgive the hurt once the divorce is settled. I'm only 37 but I feel like life is over

HRMumness · 09/03/2019 03:56

Same boat. Although there was an OW in the picture by the time my DH told me he was unhappy. I would have done anything to solve issues we had (all his). I begged like a fool for another chance even despite the affair but let my anger get the better of me and he ended it for good. My poor children are heartbroken too.

PhilC195 · 09/03/2019 04:52

YellowShirt this coming from a fellow chap, I know this will sound like a cliche, but it takes a real man to admit to crying. For the first time in 20 years, I cried in front of my wife a couple of weeks ago. There is nothing wrong with crying.

And BTW, a truck driver is a highly skilled, professional job.

Sanebutoverwhelmed · 09/03/2019 05:08

Another one here. Finding that surrounding myself with people is helping.

Palaver1 · 09/03/2019 06:49

Pain is a n emotion that can’t be described.In my case over 24 years but I decided it was over he had left the relationship years ago lead a secret life gambling ...never even knew he did that ,have a severely autistic child non verbal .blamed everyday but financially I will be better off because emotionally I’m better of worked everyday full time have a fantastic pension also topped up on another one .He I’m not sure what he has always refused to discuss no will no plan for the future all monies separate I don’t even know his salary he refuses to engage with my lawyer costing me more,refuses to get his own lawyer.
Refuses to do anything.I have passed the stage of hating it’s a deep indifference.i remember a person saying it’s easier to deal with an estate than a divorcemind you I’m in my 50s.
He reason I say all this is that most of you have time time to heal time to grief.
Not one of us was given a book telling us how a marriage works .We tried to make the best of what we felt was right.
It’s difficult but remember your dignity in all this be dignified try hard to be dignified.
To all the men who believed they did right hold onto that build on your skills you will still be a blessing to your children as well as if you choose in another relationship.
All my ladies hold tight you will smile again not now but you will.
No matter what you do do not talk about finances without advice prepare yourselves for a mini war because it might come to that.no emotions are needed in a divorce make no promises till you are in a better frame off mind .
By the way I have 2 older children one in university and the other whose working .I have lots of blessings to count.

Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 07:32

Ginandpanic - I can't stop shaking either. I haven't eaten since Thursday. It's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. I think it's a matter of just one day at a time.

OP posts:
Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 07:36

sprites bright - Thank you, I really hope it does eventually get easier, because at the moment it so hard to just to stop crying. I think there is a lot of pain still to come, for example when he moves all his stuff out. I'm trying to just get through the days one at a time.

OP posts:
Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 07:41

Yellowshirt - Please don't ever question your self worth. A truck driver is a tough job and you should be proud of that.
It is funny isn't it, that we measure our self worth based on how others treat us. I'm glad your hanging in there and hope things continue to improve for you.
P. S. Crying is nothing to be ashamed of. It shows that you are human, just like the rest of us.

OP posts:
eve34 · 09/03/2019 07:49

I'm sorry you are all in this position. It hurts like nothing else because you wanted to give it your all. They had slowly disengaged and see a future without you. Do you really want someone like that by your side. They don't have your back.

I know how awful it feels. Ex left my new year eve 2017. After 14 years together. It has been the worst year for me and the children.

But 14 months on l feel more ok about things. I miss what we had as a family. But it wasn't enough for him.

Just take each day as it comes. Try to eat. Even if it's just toast. Gather people around you. Talk to your gp. Get medication if you feel it will help. Seek counselling so you have a safe place to off load. And go as no contact with ex as much as you can. I know this is brutal. But the sooner you start to build your own life the sooner you will begin to recover.

There is no easy path through this. You just have to work through it. Knowing you will come out the other side.

madcatladyforever · 09/03/2019 07:51

Me too OP I'm so sorry for you. I'm nearly three years in but still having awful days due to my change of circumstances and financial hardship.
Still on bucket loads of anti depressants or I can't sleep and even then only manage a few hours.
With him almost 20 years.
It gets better but there are still times when I think of our life together and my life now. I'm really too old for another relationship and face retirement alone.
It sucks, you need people around you, hobbies, dates, relatives. Don't hide yourself away.
Lots of hugs.

Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 07:52

HRMumness - I'm at the begging stage and completely cross at myself for it, but I don't know what else to do. He's at his dad's and in the early hours of the morning I sent 3 texts asking him to change his mind. I didn't get a reply.

OP posts:
eve34 · 09/03/2019 07:53

@LS9864 start packing his stuff up. Do you have a spare room or big cupboard. I know it is difficult but I found it therapeutic. Kept adding his belongings to the pile. Also gave me the opportunity to moving things around. It Also helped to buy few little things that made the house mine. Buy new bedding etc

Ex didn't like I was taking control and thought he would be able just to trot in and out as he pleases. It has taken over a year but his last visit to get the children he stood and waited on the doorstep. This is not his home anymore. And needs to treat it accordingly.

eve34 · 09/03/2019 07:55

Sorry me again. Also I found it helped to write draft e mails. To get things out. But never sent them. I would write something and sit on it for a day or two. And usually the emotions has passed. Stay strong

Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 08:07

@eve34 Thank you and I think I will have to start the process of getting over him, rather than just sobbing all the time. I think I'm still in denial at the moment, hoping he'll change his mind, when deep down I know it's over.
I haven't been able to eat, so I guess that's a starting point. I always thought I was a strong person and now I feel useless.

OP posts: