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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Heartbroken and struggling emotionally

75 replies

LS9864 · 08/03/2019 13:46

Hi
My husband told me he was unhappy a few weeks ago and we started therapy, but now he's decided he wants to end it.
He's at work now and will be back later to pack some clothes and go to his dad's.
I'm struggling to cope emotionally and can't stop crying. I'm completely devistated.
I don't really know how to cope with the sadness.

OP posts:
Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 08:12

@Sanebutoverwhelmed - I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this too. I can't face other people at the moment, but I think at some point I'm going to have to force myself to interact. I think maybe getting out of bed should be my first step. Lol.

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Ozziewozzie · 09/03/2019 08:25

@eve the advice you're offering is superb. I really hope it helps people in here. By just taking a little control, even the tiniest bit can help so much. The letter, email writing is so therapeutic. Just don't send it as so often we will regret it. (Especially as usually the paper is soaked with tears, snot or wine!!)
Try not to listen to people advise you on taking revenge or being difficult. Do the exact opposite. Hold your head up high. Be honest with yourself, true to yourself, roll up your sleeves and take one step at a time.
Writing lists helps. Even if the list says, take dog out, buy milk. As you cross things off, you'll feel as though you're getting somewhere as opposed to just drowning.
So many of us have felt terrible hurt and pain, so use us as much as you need to. This is what mumsnet is for. Xx

PorpentinaScamander · 09/03/2019 09:17

I feel like I shouldn't really be here. My relationship was so short compared to the other people here. But I'm just so so broken. I never ever thought he would do this to me.
He said he still loves me. I don't know if that makes it better or not. Sad

Oly4 · 09/03/2019 09:21

All your stories are so heartbreaking. Keep talking. There is a future without these people in your lives. It doesn’t feel like it now. We’ve all been there with the begging but stop doing that if you can. Get angry and practical if needs be. I’m so sorry you’re all going through this.

nannytothequeen · 09/03/2019 09:45

Stay strong. Really. Things will get better but so little by little you might not realise. This was me three years ago and in the end there was someone else and he was pulling the wool over my eyes with his claims of depression and wanting to be alone. Maybe your partners are being truthful but i believed mine too.

I have made so many strides over the last three years, although it is very unlikely that I will enter another relationship - too distrustful. My advice is to take as much control as you can. If your partner is dithering, pin them down to a date to leave. Leave their stuff on their new doorstep. Wait at least 24 hours before answering texts to give yourself chance to take the emotion out of the text. Remember that you cannot trust this person anymore, so try not to share things or give them weight in your life. This was the biggest mistake I made. I thought I could trust him, but he broke that trust every time. Set your boundaries and be really clear about them. Are they allowed to come into your home? Are you willing to have 'shared' friends? Boundaries are your friend!

Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 11:23

@PorpentinaScamander - Please don't feel like a fraud. It doesn't matter how long your relationship was for, it is still heartbreaking and incredibly hard to get through. X

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PorpentinaScamander · 09/03/2019 11:56

@LS9864 thank you Flowers

Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 12:10

@Oly4 - Thank you. I do need to stop with the begging. He says he doesn't know what to do, but it's clear he's made up his mind. I'm just drawing out dealing with it properly. I think your advice about doing practical things is one I need to get on with. That way I can get my mind to start to acknowledge that it's over.

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Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 12:14

@nannytothequeen - thank you. I'm struggling to think rationally at the moment, but I know that what you're saying is sensible and I will get there eventually.
My OH had an affair many years ago and I forgave him and worked really hard to put it behind us and now he says he's not bothered any more. I do wonder if there is someone else again. Anyway, either way I'm done with relationships too.

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Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 12:17

@Ozziewozzie - thanks and I agree with you on the ignoring advice about taking revenge or being difficult, that really isn't going to help either of us. I think I just need to take things slow and steady and work my way through the pain.

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Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 12:36

@Palaver1- thank you. It sounds like you've been through a really tough time of it. Thank you for your words of support and encouragement to all of us going through this.

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Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 12:41

@madcatladyforever - Things are going to be financially hard for me too and I really don't know how I'm going to deal with that side of things long term. I to am on antidepressants and struggling to sleep. Sending you a hug.

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Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 15:00

Oh my goodness today has been such a bad day. I've hardly been out of bed. I think I'm in denial, thinking he'll change his mind. I'm so scared of what the future looks like without him. I feel incredibly sad right now. I can't really believe this is happening.

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eve34 · 09/03/2019 15:13

@LS9864 if you need to stay in bed today don't force yourself. Maybe shower. Get a cuppa and biscuit and go back to bed.

Have you seen your gp? Have you spoken to any friends or family. Get people around you.

I was in denial too. There was a small part of me willing my old life back. I know deep down it wasn't going to happen but some days it helped me get through.

Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 15:40

@eve34 - Thank you so much for your comment. I have gotten out of bed and washed and just having a cup of coffee and trying to force myself to eat something small. As you say I will probably go back to bed, I think I need to just let my brain catch up with what is going on.
I truly appreciate yours and every one else's comments on here. I know it's silly but it makes me feel less alone. I haven't told my friends about it yet. I think thats the denial bit, but I will once I've had a chance to process things. I know they will be supportive. Sadly I don't have any family in this country, I'm Australian living in the UK. But I will message my sister at some point too.
I was already suffering from depression, and have been on medication for nearly two months. Ironically they had just begun to make me feel better and then this happened.

OP posts:
eve34 · 09/03/2019 15:53

Just look after yourself best you can. The end of a relationship is a grieving process. So don't underestimate how this can knock the stuffing out of you.

It maybe a tweek to your meds will help for the early days. The first time ex left me the doctor gave me diazepam for the worst days. This time she gave me metazapine. As I wasn't sleeping.

People will want to be there for you. My sister although not local was my best support checking in with me most days.

also have a look for some counselling support. I found a charity that did £10 for an hour session. It helped to try and make sense of the situation. As I couldn't understand it from my perspective. I still can't. But I don't dwell on it like I use too. Keep talking here. Mn was my safe place to vent.

Ginandpanic · 09/03/2019 17:44

Ls9864 I’m sorry you are having the same reaction. I think it’s shock? It must pass , I hope so. I’ve eaten today, I hope you have too? We’ve been together since I was 18 , I’ve had my whole adult life with him. I’ve got a job I love, hobbies, great friends, but I’m absolutely broken.

Original poster
LS9864 · 09/03/2019 19:10

@Ginandpanic - I think your right about it being shock. I too hope it passes. I think it's going to take time though. I have managed to eat a banana, but that's all. I'm going to make sure I have something more. tomorrow, even if I don't feel like it.
I too have a good job, friends and hobbies, but yet I'm the same as you, I'm broken.
Hang in there, things must begin to get easier eventually x

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Palaver1 · 09/03/2019 19:45

Your going to come out better from.all this shit mark my words please do tell your sister.
I have refused to tell my eldest sister because shell be distraught on my behalf .
That's exactly what im not
Be strong and kind to yourself

Gina2012 · 09/03/2019 20:21

Sending you all so much love 💕 Thanks

nannytothequeen · 09/03/2019 21:03

So sorry that you are feeling this pain. It feels like you can touch it, it's so present and dark. I remember. Be kind to yourself.

noodlehead15 · 10/03/2019 08:10

Aww hugs to you. It's sad and you should cry if you want to cry! Feel what you want to feel , it's normal

Knowing19 · 10/03/2019 09:47

It will get better. It’s just a time thing. Time really is a healer. I was married for 25 years (exh left me 2 weeks before our 25th anniversary!). He left me for a woman who was 20 years younger! It’s so hard at first and I remember those first 6 months very well. The first weeks were like bereavement. I couldn’t eat, sleep, function. It was horrible. The pain slowly eases though and day by day, week by week, you start to feel a bit better. I’m 10 years on now and doesn’t cross my mind! My best revenge on him was getting half his pension! He fucking hates me for doing that! Tough shit buddy!

Original poster
LS9864 · 10/03/2019 10:51

@Knowing19 - It's reassuring that others have been through this and what I'm feeling is normal. I think I'm just scared of being alone, but I've been there before and I'm sure I'll be OK.

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spritesobright · 10/03/2019 11:10

I know what you mean LS about the loneliness. At the beginning I would sleep hugging a pillow and sometimes wake up crying.

One nice thing though is that you have the chance to reconnect with yourself and that's so valuable.

You are definitely in shock. It's a traumatic event and it's not just the loss of your partner but of the future you thought you had.

In my case the shock eased after a few weeks and morphed into a kind of energetic mania. Now I'm just grieving but can see the brighter side to not being with him.

Can you take some time off work? I went to my GP and ahe signed me off for a month and I got sleeping tablets as well.

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