Heartbroken and struggling emotionally

[LS9864]

Hi
My husband told me he was unhappy a few weeks ago and we started therapy, but now he's decided he wants to end it.
He's at work now and will be back later to pack some clothes and go to his dad's.
I'm struggling to cope emotionally and can't stop crying. I'm completely devistated.
I don't really know how to cope with the sadness.

@spritesobright - It's weird isn't the shock and grieving bit. I keep trying to get my brain to focus on what I need to do, look at finances for example, but all I can do is cry. Weirdly the crying does help a bit, but I also wish it would stop.
I'm really not sure what to do about work. I'm due back in until Tuesday, and don't have a great sick record because I have heart failure and had to have time off to have a pacemaker and defib device fitted. So I'm worried how they would re-act if I needed more time off. Obviously I need my job now more than ever.

12 years here. I said on here a couple of days ago that surrounding myself with people helped but as the days pass (day 6 now), I’m actually getting lower and lower. The worst thing in my case is he did something completely unforgivable (don’t want to share details but far reaching, shocking and unforgivable). So actually if i’d have him back he’d come in a heartbeat, which makes it even harder to mourn. I’m dealing with the shock, the loss of everything I thought was true and this background knowledge that if I wanted to, I could have have him back. So hard. Had planned to go back to work today but now realising i’m nowhere near that point.

@Sanebutoverwhelmed - Your situation sounds incredibly difficult. It sounds like at first you were running on adrenalin and now it's all beginning to sink in. If you can have time off work then I would. Try to take care of yourself, which I know is easier said than done. My plan for the day is to try and eat more than just a banana.
Sending you a hug x

Hi LS I wouldn't worry about finances then yet (as long as there's nothing super pressing). If you can at least get a screenshot of the savings that's useful. Just take some time to breathe and cry.
Did you manage anything more than a banana?
My appetite went for months and it was ok until my friends started encouraging me to drink protein shakes. Now back to normal.
Hope you are managing to cut down/off any contact. Sad to say but he's not your friend or go to person any more. It's tempting but it just prolongs the pain for you.

@spritesobright - He came back yesterday, says he doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't know if he wants to try and work things out, or if he wants to call it quits. So now I'm stuck in some rediculous limbo and don't know if I'm coming or going.
We went to our councelling session and he barely said anything. Then on the way home said he doesn't think any of it will help. So I asked if he had given up and just wanted to leave and he said he didn't know because he doesn't know what he's thinking. So now I'm stuck with what is probably false hope, while he figures himself out.

@LS9864 sounds like a tough day. I think he wants you to pull the plug so he doesn't look like the bad person.

My ex did the same for six months kept coming and going. Bled me dry financially and emotionally.

I'm sorry he is messing you about like this. If you can I would draw a line. Tell him he clearly need some space. If he seriously wants to get things back on track he needs to commit to the counselling etc. And that you will leave the ball in his court.

Then go as low contact as you can. I do truly know how hard it is. I remember breaking my heart at the last good night text I sent ex. I knew I had to stand on my own two feet. It was the saddest thing I dealt with having to emotionally separate myself from the person I thought had my back for the last 14 years. I couldn't emotionally engage with him going forward. He broke my heart.

I hope you have managed to tell some people. Let them support you. The more you have around you helps you not contact him.

@LS9864 My ex did the same thing with not knowing what he wanted and leaving me in limbo. What confused me especially was that he ended it with the OW 2 months after we separated so I thought - ok, I'll give it another shot. I saw a therapist over that time to help me figure out what I needed from the relationship (instead of just trying to help him and get him back) and that made me realise that he wasn't even putting in the minimal effort.

I have to agree withEve4 that it sounds like he can't muster up the will to end it, so he's making you do it. Then he can tell people that you were the one who ended it, which is ridiculous.

It didn't work with my ex because I'd already told ALL our friends what was happening.
The 'I don't know, don't ask me' tactics are typical self-pitying, midlife crisis script material. It's so hard but you have to focus on what YOU want and need. Has he told you that he 'loves you but he's not in love with you' yet? Sigh.

The truth is that it's his responsibility to come to the relationship happy and to work on himself if he's not.

Stay strong.

@eve34 and @spritesobright - I think you are right. He's trying to make me make the decision because he can't. I'm pretty sure he wants to play the wife left me card. He says he still loves me, but then goes on to tell me how miserable I've made him. The problem is, because I thought we were in a good place, I'm not emotionally prepared to deal with it yet.
I asked him to make a decision yesterday when he was at work and he said OK and could we talk about it when he got home. So I figured he was going to say he's leaving and I braced myself and all I got was the same 'I don't know what to do' and nothing has changed.
I've taken a few days leave fron work and booked myself into a hotel for a couple of days. I need to get my own thoughts together. I made myself eat something in the restaurant (I was starting to get the shakes from lack of nutrition), and I'm in my Pj's watching telly. I shall read, cry and try and gain back some sanity.

@LS9864 I'm pleased to hear you have taken some time out for yourself. Do what you need to do. Hope you can find some peace for yourself.

My heart goes out to you , even though I do not know you.I find it so upsetting to think of any woman going through such pain, especially from some one that they loved , trusted and built a life with.
I will never forget the first weeks of finding out my DH had been unfaithful.I was distraught, crying, reaching out to Samaritans, driving around aimlessmy, etc.
MN was a life saver as like you I didn't tell anyone in RL.Partly because I did not know what I wanted to do and because saying out aloud meant it was really happening? I don't know what to advise you about telling your sister - I knew she would hate him for upsetting me and hold it against him forever.And as we are going through counselling , I am glad I just told therapist .And MN !
So in public it was a case of " Fake it until you make it" - which might help when you have to go back to work.
Luckily , people do get over the shock and trauma ( my therapist said that this is what causes all the physical upsets, crying, etc.) So just be kind to yourself one day at a time.
I hope your DH may agree to go to counselling, if only for you to get some peace of mind for yourself and for him to realise that leaving might not be a solution for his issues.
Much sympathy to you. But this will get bearable in time.It is called heartbreak for a reason , but you WILL come out the other side.

Have you been in counselling long, ferfecksake? How is it going?
STBXH and I tried couples counselling before he left and I tried to get him to see that leaving wasn't the solution to his problems.

He just wouldn't/couldn't engage and the counsellor said he was depressed but unwilling to face it and set on leaving.

I think now he does realise that leaving wasn't the answer but still can't/won't stay.

I've realised you can't save a marriage on your own and best to jump off a sinking ship that refuses to get help. Sad but true.

I'm also in a bit of limbo and denial. I keep hoping he will change his mind and come back.

I'm struggling to eat much and get stomachache at the thought of eating. I've had a bit of an upset stomach and I'm sleeping badly. I've been falling asleep about 11.30pm and waking at 2.30am then overthinking and then drifiting into and out of sleep for a few hours. I am trying very hard not to contact him by text/whatsapp. I'm trying to distance myself so I can strart to try to process the alone feeling. If I now have to make every decision alone that's scary. I don't have a go to husband anymore. There is no one at home when I get home from work so I talk to my pets. I tell them I love them. Daft, I know but they are my companions.
I work full time and have set hours so at least I can keep to my routine.

I run 3 time a week with a club so that also helps keep me grounded and in a routine.

I still want him back but not in the fashion he was for the last 3 months (moody and silent). that was far too much emotional work.

Being upset and alone and scared of the future without him takes up so much emotional energy.

I thought we had plans to holiday in some great places and to enjoy our lives. it feels like he waited til his mother passed away and then thought ok so now mum won't be upset I can leave my wife.(Did he really do that? Is he that calculating?)

He has a big birthday this year and I've mentally made lots of plans and had lots of ideas of things to do to celebrate his birthday. I'm grieving at the loss of my life partner/My husband for so many years. Nothing was perfect but life isn't perfect is it? Can you see how I'm
questioning everything at the moment?

spritesobright Tonight was our 9th week of counselling.I find it very helpful as I wanted to get my own peace in my head , no matter what the outcome was.
DH finds it a safe place to talk as he hates to see me distraught or angry.( Too bad!). But the only reason it can work is if both of you want it .If your DH won't engage , there isn't a lot you can do.

We are married a long time And I never imagined I would be (a) be in this position and (b) even consider staying with a cheater. I agreed to therapy for my own healing and to be able to say that I did try.

I still have my down time when I grieve for the life I thought I had .Some times I deeply resent DH for putting me through this .But the awful gut wrenching pain has softened a bit. And I don't think I will ever experience that despair again.

I decided to stay together as he was willing to do anything I requested .And even the therapist says that he is remorse seems to be genuine, . I can always change my mind if I feel this is not authentic or I can't get past it.
So again, one day at a time.

I took some time out, stayed in a hotel. Cried, read, made myself eat, only managed 1 meal a day, but better than nothing. And realised that life would go on without him. I would be lonely and incredibly sad for a long time, but eventually I'd be OK. I phoned OH and asked him to come out for a coffee. I told him I loved him and understood he was unhappy, but we could not stay in this limbo. Gave him the evening to make a decision. In the morning he could either take the day off work, pack a bag and leave before I got home (we would agree when he could collect the rest of his stuff) Or he got up in the morning, text me good morning, go to work as usual and we both work on putting this marriage back together, including committing to councelling. If it doesn't work at least we would have tried.
I got a text at half 5 to say he was off to work. So now we will see if he has actually taken what I said to heart. One thing he does know about me is that I don't bluff, if he doesn't at least try to work things out, I will pack his bloody bag for him.
Now for the hard work to begin. No matter how distraught I would be if it ended, the work we do to fix this has to be good for both of us. While I'm prepared to make changes, I have no intention of being walked all over.

Great to hear that , OP,. It is true , you WILL be OK. Like me , you have a choice here. Some woman have to take into consideration DCs, finances, etc. So it means that you can do what is best for YOU.
Absolutely give counselling a chance.I did and we are working TOGETHER.But I too said that I would not compromise myself of I thought I was being disrespected.
We all deserve to be respected, loved and appreciated in our marriages.
to you.Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

@Ferfeckssake - Thank you. I am feeling better today thank you. I'm under no illusion that our marriage will survive, but I am feeling stronger and less likely to put up with him feeling sorry for himself.
I have in the past forgiven an affair and I think our biggest mistake was not getting councelling at the time. I don't think we dealt with it fully.
I needed the time out to realise I'm strong enough to weather a divorce. We shall see what the next few months bring. I'm sure more tears will be shed and I may well be on here saying it is over, but either way I plan to ensure I am OK. I also plan to overhaul our finances, I want to be sure if it all fails I'm in a good place financially.

Onwards and upwards.Good for you.Hope you continue to be true to yourself and your own needs

@fingernailsbitten - I'm sorry things are so tough for you at the moment. Please try and eat if you can. I've struggled these past few weeks, but have found that when I do eat I have a bit more energy to cope with things. Banana's are good because they are high in potassium. Also peanut butter, because a little bit has quite a few calories.
Also, are you going to therapy on your own to help you through this (apologies if you've already said, I'm a bit all over the place myself). While my OH has agreed to couples therapy, it is something I think I will continue with if things eventually don't work (which to be honest is highly likely, because I get the feeling he is just biding his time).
This is such a traumatic thing to cope with, that talking to someone impartial might help.
Our pets are both a blessing and a curse for me at the moment. One minute they are a comfort and the next minute I'm crying for them because I know how much they will miss him if he goes.
I can tell you now, I wish someone had given me a a tiny taste of what it is like to have your heartbroken so badly, because to be honest I would have rather have spent the past 11 years single.

So I gave him his ultimatum and he's staying for now. However I really don't think anything has changed. We agreed to draw a line in the sand and try to start afresh to rebuild our lives together, but I think he's just playing lip service to it all. I know it's early days and I will see how it goes, but I'm not holding out much hope.
So while my head is in a reasonable place (it's not great, but at least I'm functioning), I'm going to sort out my finances, squirrel some money away and rebuild my confidence. So when he finally gets the courage to leave, I will be ready and while I will be an emotional mess, at least I won't have to worry about finances and practical stuff. I'll will only need to take care of me and my broken heart.
I do also have a 22 year old son from a previous relationship who is currently back packing in Australia. He will be away another 10 months and I want things sorted one way or another before he returns.
So for now I'm trying to step back from my emotions. I of course will commit to trying to fix things and will work with OH if he pulls his finger out and puts in some effort, but he will not catch me off guard again. Sounds cold I know, but for me this is the only way I can cope at the moment is by being practically.
To everyone else out there who is suffering from a broken heart, you have my love and respect x

I hope things work out for you @LS9864 Good you are covering all your bases. Prepare for the worse and hope for the best. X

Perhaps you could sit down together and set some things down that he has to actually DO on order to start the process.Maybe like say e.g. 15 minutes set aside that each talks about how they are feeling, schedule time to do something together , write down all the good qualities each other has.
These are some exercises therapy recommended . At least if he participates , it will show some commitment to staying together to improve things.
Glad you are protecting yourself financially . Hope that YOU get the outcome that you want.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this. My husband left me Saturday. He's been having an emotional affair for a few months. He led me to belief over the last few weeks that we could work it out. Obviously not.
I know he will be happy with this OW. But I have so so so many regrets. What ifs. He is in no way the one to blame. I just so wish I could turn back the clock. I am absolutely broken and people say I will get over it, but I just want it never to have happened.
My Dd Is 11. She is fine with it as she likes the OW. But I keep breaking down on her and that's just not fair on her.

Oh Biggles. I'm sorry.
It's natural to be emotional. It's only just happened. I can wake from a dream and two mins later I'm crying at the sadness if wanting my DH back.

The 'what ifs' are a killer to your confidence but I think we all go through that phase.

@Biggles398, I'm sorry you're going through this too. My OH has said he will try and work things out, but so far nothing has changed and I seem to be doing all the work. I suspect he's only agreed to therapy to give himself a bit more time before he actually leaves.
Heartbreak and regret are so hard to deal with. I have shed bucket loads of tears these past few weeks and sometimes I wish he would just go, so I could get on with grieving the loss of our relationship.
I hope in time your emotions will settle down. Try not to be too hard on yourself, this is such a hard thing to go through and you need to allow yourself to go through the process. X

Biggles398 How can your husband leaving and having an emotional affair be all your fault? Don't go down that route of believing you were all to blame. A marriage takes two. He chose to make an emotional connection with another woman instead of reconnecting with you. That was wrong and deceitful. It's natural to blame yourself because it makes it seem like you have some control over it. But in the end, you didn't cause him to leave.
LS9864 it sounds like you're being very realistic about the counselling and what may or may not come of it. I also took a period of 'leave' between filing for divorce when StBXH said he would try to work his way back to me. It didn't work but in the end it helped me process the situation and realise what I wanted out of it. It's important to focus now on your needs and what you want out of a relationship.

I found that hard to because I was desperate to hold on to him and to 'fix' the problem.

Ferfecksake good for you getting through 9 weeks of counselling. I absolutely would have given my marriage another shot regardless of the affair but STBXH wasn't prepared to do that. And he certainly wasn't prepared to do what I asked.

I think in a long relationship it is worth trying to work at it, at least to tell yourself that you tried.