When it’s always on the terms of the more germ conscious / paranoid / worried friend..

Abelard40 · 2021-06-11T19:17:06+00:00

... ok so not phrasing that well but getting a bit tired of being fine when friend cancels / expresses caution over latest data / some friend of a friend was near someone with COVID even though track n trace haven’t been involved (not always a solid case granted) .. but I am mildly irritated these days by the fact it’s her that dictates the terms of when it is or isn’t safe.. gah... I’m being a bitch right?

SonnetForSpring · 11/06/2021 20:52

It is up to her what risks she is willing to take.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 11/06/2021 20:56

Yeah you are. I am that friend. Everyone’s different

hauntedvagina · 11/06/2021 20:58

I'm that friend, fortunately my friends are understanding.

murbblurb · 11/06/2021 21:00

Obvious, surely. Don't sneer, don't whine. Choices.

Although Johnson has fucked up so badly that choices may soon be restricted again.

BogRollBOGOF · 11/06/2021 21:10

No, you're not. While different people have different comfort zones, it will have an effect on a relationship if one person constantly puts additional barriers in the way above and beyond the current measures.

We've been mutually happy to stay outside with one group of friends as we naturally meet for things like walks anyway, but the first meet up when they stayed at least 5m away was pointless as a social exercise, and the rigourous social distancing for a few months just made meeting feel very stressful. Fortunately they did calm down in the end.

Original poster

Abelard40 · 11/06/2021 21:36

I don’t sneer or whine.. I’ve only voiced it here because I never would to her. Gah. I get it.. she’s anxious. It’s just becoming increasingly hard to have this friendship on her terms. I have to drop everything to have lunch when it’s the precise data exact moment to do so.. but be poised to cancel at the last minute if a friend of a friend was near someone who got COVID last week. Gaaaaaaah.
I know, I know. I just need to vent too because YES I AM THAT KIND PERSON and I just want some space to scream!

OP posts:

Ostara212 · 11/06/2021 21:49

I have a friend with that level of anxiety but the agreement we have is not to make arrangements. I said I can't do my diary for data but if she wants to call and see if I'm free, I'd be pleased to see her.

She's only about 15 mins drive.

That said, I am not expecting a call anytime soon! But no one should have to hold slots that are so likely to be cancelled.

SonnetForSpring · 11/06/2021 21:51

@Abelard40

I don’t sneer or whine.. I’ve only voiced it here because I never would to her. Gah. I get it.. she’s anxious. It’s just becoming increasingly hard to have this friendship on her terms. I have to drop everything to have lunch when it’s the precise data exact moment to do so.. but be poised to cancel at the last minute if a friend of a friend was near someone who got COVID last week. Gaaaaaaah. I know, I know. I just need to vent too because YES I AM THAT KIND PERSON and I just want some space to scream!

Sounds like she's being sensible.

Ostara212 · 11/06/2021 21:57

Sonnet

Abelard says "I have to drop everything to have lunch when it’s the precise data exact moment to do so.."

That's not sensible of the friend; it's taking advantage of someone's goodwill towards her. I wonder if the friend gives a thought to key workers carrying on to provide us with food and clean streets.

lljkk · 11/06/2021 22:03

Isn't that the entire world now, the most emotional person wins. The most angry or afraid people decide what happens next. The most emotional argument wins. We're all supposed to be sympathetic and pander to the most emotional persons rather than express exasperation with irrational hysterics.

Pleased for OP that you only just noticed. How nice to have been blissfully ignorant until now. The-Most-Emotional-Wins situation has driven me mad for years!!

rookiemere · 11/06/2021 22:23

My DPs are like this. My DM doesn't want DF to go anywhere even though they've both been double jabbed.

Her view is he's 87, diabetic and wouldn't survive getting covid. His view is he's 87 and he'd like to go to a restaurant or shop whilst he's still able and if he catches covid - well he's 87. Her view wins.

I can completely see both sides and I can't intervene on DFs behalf because if I did and he caught it I'd never be forgiven.

SonnetForSpring · 11/06/2021 22:27

@lljkk

Isn't that the entire world now, the most emotional person wins. The most angry or afraid people decide what happens next. The most emotional argument wins. We're all supposed to be sympathetic and pander to the most emotional persons rather than express exasperation with irrational hysterics.

Pleased for OP that you only just noticed. How nice to have been blissfully ignorant until now. The-Most-Emotional-Wins situation has driven me mad for years!!

What a load of rubbish

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 11/06/2021 22:39

Ok consider these:

can I buy you a drink? no
do you want to have sex? no
give mummy a kiss! no
I want another baby! no
marry me! no
have some cake! no
let's go out! no

'nuff said

Ostara212 · 11/06/2021 22:51

@rookiemere

My DPs are like this. My DM doesn't want DF to go anywhere even though they've both been double jabbed.

Her view is he's 87, diabetic and wouldn't survive getting covid. His view is he's 87 and he'd like to go to a restaurant or shop whilst he's still able and if he catches covid - well he's 87. Her view wins.

I can completely see both sides and I can't intervene on DFs behalf because if I did and he caught it I'd never be forgiven.

Blimey. I'd end up intervening I think.

I think this dynamic is playing out in a lot of families.

Tiddleandplonk · 11/06/2021 23:09

I think that you just needed to vent.
Its hard for everyone and whilst your friend is in hee righta to react as she does there is some exhaustion being you in thos situation as you are hoping to live with your mind set,but hers dictates what you do. I have a pal like this . Often cancelled things pre covid , oft at.last min when id put the day aside . I understand.
My friend was due to come and see us the oter week, we got food in annned etc, due to variant she now wont come wheras i was hoping she would stick to the plan

FireworksAndSparklers · 11/06/2021 23:15

I think it's really insulting and offensive to dismiss genuine and reasonable fears as just 'anxiety'. Everyone is happy to take different risks in life. You're being very unkind to your friend who isn't willing to take the same risks you are.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 11/06/2021 23:32

@FireworksAndSparklers

I think it's really insulting and offensive to dismiss genuine and reasonable fears as just 'anxiety'. Everyone is happy to take different risks in life. You're being very unkind to your friend who isn't willing to take the same risks you are.

🤬🤬🤬 I think it's really insulting and offensive to use the phrase : just "anxiety"

anxiety is worse than just genuine & reasonable fears

FireworksAndSparklers · 11/06/2021 23:35

You're completely twisting my words. I'm saying exactly the same as you are, FFS.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 11/06/2021 23:48

@FireworksAndSparklers

You're completely twisting my words. I'm saying exactly the same as you are, FFS.

ok. it sounds ambiguous at best. but I've got to go now, can't ponder any longer. if we mean the same thing then that's grand. love & peace

Feedingthebirds1 · 11/06/2021 23:53

You're being very unkind to your friend who isn't willing to take the same risks you are.

I don't think that's the whole issue though. Of course everyone is fine to determine their own level of risk and to act accordingly. It would be the expecting the OP to be ready to go out at a moment's notice that I'd have trouble with. To the point where even if it was cutting off my nose to spite my face, I wouldn't be available next time. See if she gets the message, or if she pulls the but you have to, I want to see you NOW! attitude.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 12/06/2021 00:01

Of course she wins. It's a principle of consent. You wouldn't want to force her if she was uncomfortable. That's abuse not friendship.

Make plans with those who are freer with their Covid measures, and arrange with her when she's going to enjoy it too.

Thisisus909 · 12/06/2021 00:06

I am increasingly sounding out friends and spending more time with those who are more relaxed. I’ve been double vaccinated and had COVID so don’t feel too vulnerable. I’m not licking the tables but I enjoy meeting a friend for a coffee and not having to sit outside even if it’s raining.

Anxious friends I still love and support by text or calls but it’s really much better for them and me if we don’t try and see each other when they feel very stressed by it and I feel frustrated.

TheClaws · 12/06/2021 06:48

@lljkk

Isn't that the entire world now, the most emotional person wins. The most angry or afraid people decide what happens next. The most emotional argument wins. We're all supposed to be sympathetic and pander to the most emotional persons rather than express exasperation with irrational hysterics.

Pleased for OP that you only just noticed. How nice to have been blissfully ignorant until now. The-Most-Emotional-Wins situation has driven me mad for years!!

See, i have a good friend radar. It picks up people like you so the 'spending time together' thing' would be moot - we wouldn't be friends anyway.

NannyAndJohn · 12/06/2021 06:59

It's good to see that there are still some sensible people out there.

Now's not the time for indoor mixing.

WildfirePonie · 12/06/2021 07:03

Stop making plans with her for now.