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Original poster

To visit my 79yo dad in the current situation?

54 replies

orangejuicer · 20/03/2020 06:32

My dad is (almost) 79 and lives alone. He has done since my mum died from cancer 3 years ago (she was 64). My dad cared for my mum in her final few months and she died at home.

My dad goes out most days for a walk around his local shopping area. He is obviously being encouraged not to do that now.

I work FT so visit dad every Sunday with my DS who is 15mo.

The thought of him being stuck at home alone with only phone contact is really upsetting me.

I know the current coronavirus advice is that he should do that and that I should probably also stay away. He has heart problems and type 2 diabetes. My DP is a type 1 diabetic so I need to be careful around him too.

We are assuming a kind of lockdown is on its way at some point.

Until then AIBU to visit dad with DS as normal providing we all feel well enough? Or should I just accept that we should basically be self isolating anyway?

OP posts:
UnfinishedSymphon · 20/03/2020 06:33

Could you bring him to yours and isolate together?

waterbottle12 · 20/03/2020 06:33

Don't visit him at all from now, you shouldn't have visited him from a week or so ago. Skype etc if you can.

Original poster
orangejuicer · 20/03/2020 06:36

I don't have a functioning spare room.

My dad refuses to be tech educated so Skype would not work.

I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. Sisters are ignoring advice re visiting dad. Brother is adamant he won't visit until this is all over so opposite ends of scale.

OP posts:
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 20/03/2020 06:39

I've seen images of people in other countries talking to each other on the phone whilst the other was sat on a camping chair on the other side of the window to keep their elderly parents company. Other images show eople in their gardens sat at very large distances to be safe but can still talk loudly etc.

So it's possible but you might have to get creative to keep him safe.

IrenetheQuaint · 20/03/2020 06:40

I'm in a similar situation. I'm not visiting my father at the moment as there's a risk I may have been exposed to the virus at work/commuting. But I'm now working from home and not seeing anyone, so I think that after two weeks of that I'll be safe to go and see my father.

GemmaTellerMorrow · 20/03/2020 06:42

I think it's down to personal choice and people need to make their own risk assessments.
I'm not going to see my 80 year old mother, she's just been widowed so it's even more upsetting, but I want her to stay physically healthy.

DH is still going to see his 80 year old widowed mother, who has several underlying health issues, because he knows her mental state cannot cope otherwise.
They've decided that, to them, it's worth the risk.

Itoldyouiwasill · 20/03/2020 06:46

My parents are in their 80's and supposed to be self isolating which they've agreed they'll do from next week.
What I've said I'll do is drive to them three times a week ( they live half an hour away but I work an hour the opposite direction four days a week and still need to go in)
I won't enter the house but DM and I will take a short walk to the woods at the back of their garden. We'll keep our distance from each other and the woods are on private land and no-one goes in there. DF isn't bothered about getting a walk

Lobsterquadrille2 · 20/03/2020 06:49

I agree that it's personal choice, primarily the choice of the "at risk" person. My mother is nearly 90, my father died two years ago and she's still dealing with living alone after 66 years of marriage. My sister and I plan to go through her side gate on Sunday, sit in the garden six feet apart with our own thermos flasks and give her some human contact. My mother is happy with this but if she changes her mind at any time, that's her prerogative.

My brother is not in a risk group but is self isolating, even from his eight year old, but that's his choice.

crosspelican · 20/03/2020 06:55

My elderly father is very healthy & naturally not taking this seriously at all (“can’t we still go out to dinner? Why not?”), but luckily we have an allotment so that is our compromise - I’ll see him there a few times a week. Have made similar gardening arrangements with friends who have allotments too!

1066vegan · 20/03/2020 06:58

My mum is 80 and has lived on her own since my dad died a year ago.

I usually go round to see her at the weekends; she asked me not to last weekend because she had decided to self isolate. In retrospect, I'm so glad that she did.

When I drop her shopping off, I put it in her porch, tap on her lounge window and go to the end of the driveway before she comes out so that we get to see each other but at a very safe distance.

Does your dad know his neighbours? My mum's neighbours are also elderly and also taking self-isolation seriously. She says that they've been very chatty with each other but across the garden fence or standing at the end of the driveway rather than popping round for a cuppa. They've been careful to keep a very safe distance from each other.

If you do want to see your dad face to face then please don't go inside or get close to him; find a way to do it safely.

AnneJeanne · 20/03/2020 07:01

For the sake of your innocent child, just stay away. Set up FaceTime chats or Skype.

malificent7 · 20/03/2020 07:28

Dp is going to visiting his elderly mum this weekend...i am so frustrated with him as she is over 70 and on chemotherapy for LUNG CANCER. However, she is fine with this and he is worried she will run out of basics and he feels ge might not see her again....im worried but they are both determined so what can i do?

Boshmama · 20/03/2020 07:34

My family have decided to keep visiting grandparents in their 80s with health conditions as they have decided it's worth the risk to them. They are both quite poorly and can't face the thought of four or more months with no visitors.

They can't work tech so no facetime etc. It's such a hard decision and I've cried buckets over what is best to do. We are all washing our hands in arrival, no hugging/kissing etc and staying the 2 metres away. Just trying our best to support them and keep them safe. Their mental health is important too.

isabellerossignol · 20/03/2020 07:35

This advice to set up facetime or Skype, how is anyone going to do that without actually visiting the person and showing them how to use it?

My MIL can't even use a basic (non smart) mobile phone. She definitely couldn't use Skype without one of us being physically with her. She is also adamant that she expects her regular visit from my husband and is most put out that he is refusing to bring our children.

TeenPlusTwenties · 20/03/2020 07:41

By visiting the old people aren't just putting the risk on themselves.
They are risking they may need to go to hospital and put more strain on the NHS.

If you must visit, please do it in a safe way if at all possible.

cheeseismydownfall · 20/03/2020 07:43

I think the guidelines are clear and your should not visit, hard though it is. I think what people are forgetting is this isn't just about them and their personal perception of risk and what contracting corona would mean to them as individuals. If you visit your dad and transmit it to him, he is much more likely to need hospital admission than someone who is not in an at-risk group. This will mean a hospital bed is taken up that otherwise would have been available to someone else (who may have been unable to avoid exposure - think keyworkers etc). It is imperative that everyone reduces the possibility of transmission as much as possible and we cannot simply make exceptions.

Bestbe · 20/03/2020 07:45

I saw my parents yesterday. They opened the front door and I shouted at them from about three metres away. I got them some shopping and they were going to bin the bags and wash their hands where I had handled it. I won’t see them now until next week where I’ll do the same thing unless I have symptoms. I’m doing the same for my uncle who lives alone. I even did them a small mad dance.

cheeseismydownfall · 20/03/2020 07:46

(in the situation where the person needs physical care is different - but the situation you describe I would classify as non-essential contact)

Medievalist · 20/03/2020 07:49

My family have decided to keep visiting grandparents in their 80s with health conditions as they have decided it's worth the risk to them.

The thing is, it's not just about elderly people and their families deciding it worth the risk to them. They are also risking the lives of others because if the elderly person does get ill they're likely to have to go into hospital adding to the already massive burden on the NHS.

I do sympathise with the problems of isolation in the elderly and there are some really creative approaches here. But people who are visiting as usual - words fail me.

Carriemac · 20/03/2020 07:50

let him stay in the house - you stand in the garden, have a chat from a safe distance, drop off a meal-
for God's sake
Follow the guidelines!! I have 2 eighty year old parents we are phoning and writing too but I'm not an idiot that think the rules don't apply to me.

isabellerossignol · 20/03/2020 07:54

But people who are visiting as usual - words fail me.

I just don't think it's anywhere near as simple as that. Asking someone who is extremely elderly to isolate themselves for maybe 4 months or so, could easily be asking them to face the rest of their life alone. Four months is a hell of a long time when you're maybe 90 years old. I don't know anyone who would look back and say 'yeah, my mum died alone and miserable, but we did the right thing'

ShatnersWig · 20/03/2020 07:59

isabelle But how would they feel if they were the ones that effectively killed their 90-year old mum because they had the virus, passed it on, but didn't know it at the time? I reckon they'd feel worse, don't you?

isabellerossignol · 20/03/2020 08:02

ShatnersWig absolutely, they'd feel terrible about that too. Which is what I mean when I say it's not black and white.

My mother is in her late 80s and lives independently, but only with help. She has coped incredibly well with being widowed after 60 years, and has kept a brave face. But just a couple of weeks of not seeing her grandchildren has her so depressed that she's losing the will to go on. I'm terrified for her.

Medievalist · 20/03/2020 08:04

@Isabellerossignol - I'm not saying it's easy but some people just aren't able to see the bigger picture. I don't think any individual's personal circumstances justify risking the lives of others. There are some very sensible ways of still seeing elderly people, but safely, suggested on here. I'm afraid words DO fail me when it comes to people who think the guidance doesn't apply to them.

PaleBlueMoonlight · 20/03/2020 08:04

After two weeks of isolation you are at risk of catching the virus on your next interaction. Thereafter you cannot be sure you don't have it.

I read good advice yesterday which essentially said that everyone should just assume that they have the virus and act accordingly, ie thorough hand washing, social distancing generally, avoiding unnecessary social contact and not visiting anyone (and especially not the isolated). It is heart-breaking and difficukt, but please consider all the creative ways of helping him before even considering visiting him.

This is