To visit my 79yo dad in the current situation?

[orangejuicer]

My dad is (almost) 79 and lives alone. He has done since my mum died from cancer 3 years ago (she was 64). My dad cared for my mum in her final few months and she died at home.

My dad goes out most days for a walk around his local shopping area. He is obviously being encouraged not to do that now.

I work FT so visit dad every Sunday with my DS who is 15mo.

The thought of him being stuck at home alone with only phone contact is really upsetting me.

I know the current coronavirus advice is that he should do that and that I should probably also stay away. He has heart problems and type 2 diabetes. My DP is a type 1 diabetic so I need to be careful around him too.

We are assuming a kind of lockdown is on its way at some point.

Until then AIBU to visit dad with DS as normal providing we all feel well enough? Or should I just accept that we should basically be self isolating anyway?

Myself and my mother want to keep visiting my DGM. We have two strategies.

My DM has to keep going to work so she is going to sit in a chair outside the door of the conservatory while DGM sits in the sunroom and chat. She’s bringing her own tea in a flask.

I and my DH are WFH so we have both been self isolating since Sunday. Once we have self isolated two weeks we will go visit her And go in. (Food is arriving via delivery and being disinfected before put away and all packaging thrown away while wearing rubber gloves.We haven’t left The house )

These are your two options that also keep your DF safe. And your sisters need to cop on carrying on as normal and visiting him. None of this is normal!!!

I'm still going to visit my parents. They have a side gate and a garden. Plan is that we enter the side gate and sit in the garden a good twelve feet from each other. We are not a tactile family but our choices have been taken away which is heartbreaking.
We are so lucky that a) they have a garden and b) we can access it without entering the house.
If they lived in the flat I would imagine we would go and stand outside and chat via phone.
I understand why you want to see him but you have to take drastic precautions.

I don't think any individual's personal circumstances justify risking the lives of others.

But completely isolating very elderly people is potentially risking the isolated person's life. Maybe not from corona virus, but from things like failure to eat properly, not keeping on top of their medication etc. That's why it's not black and white. Or do only corona virus related deaths count?

Gov.uk “avoid gatherings with friends and family”

Read this plea to socially distance/isolate.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3854344-I-didnt-sign-up-for-this

The advice says 'as much as is pragmatic'. I think there are circumstances where the risk to an elderly person of socially isolating are going to be greater than the risk of corona virus. I do agree we should all do the best that we can, I have limited my contact with people, am working from home etc. I think that asking a couple of reasonably healthy 70 year olds to stay distant from others is very different from asking maybe a 90 year old widower to do it. The two situations aren't really comparable.

I'm self isolating for 10 -14 days then moving in with my parents for the rest of the duration.

This actually drives me crazy! In short, elderly people getting I'll are more likely to need a hospital bed. They are also likely to need a bed for longer. This is what we want to avoid when our hospitals will be beyond capacity. People need to stop thinking about individual family members and situations and look at the bigger picture.
I'm saying this as a person on the front line

No, it's heartbreaking but we all need to do what we can. My parents only live down the road, but I said bye yesterday and aside from me dropping essential shopping at the door for them (as long as I'm not symptomatic of course!) it will just be phone contact. I am fortunate enough to see them everyday, it will be hard but best for everyone. I don't think some people see how serious this is :(

It’s so difficult. My 94 year old DM is probably dying and my DF can’t cope. They have carers.
I am high risk and self isolating 😢

@Isabellerossignol - "But completely isolating very elderly people is potentially risking the isolated person's life"

And family continuing to visit as normal is risking the lives of many others!!! Why can't you see that?

You would be very unreasonable to continue to visit him. Quarantining together might be your only option (camp bed if need be or have your son in with you and give your dad his bed) but you’d need to self-isolate for two weeks first to endure nobody in your house has the virus, before you bring him to stay. If you genuinely want him to be with you then this is the only way to see him and keep him safe at the same time.

Medievalist because I don't see the elderly as expendable?

If everyone in the U.K. gets a grip for a bit and actually puts themselves out like everyone in the rest of the world is having to do then this wouldn’t last so bloody long! If you all just stay in then it could be over in around 4 weeks like it has been in China.

Thank you all. I am not ignoring the guidance, just trying to balance it with my dad's mental health. It doesn't help that it's been changing so rapidly. I will take your advice on board.

FWIW as a household it's only been me really who has left the house to go shopping etc and I've been working from home for several weeks now (for other work reasons!) I know that doesn't exempt me in the grand scheme of things but we've hardly been going to plays in London etc.

Medievalist because I don't see the elderly as expendable?

Oh for goodness sake!!! Of course the elderly aren't expendable. I'm no spring chicken myself! But one person's needs - young or old - do not trump the needs of many!

Are you seriously suggesting that it's okay for families to carry on visiting AS NORMAL the way some people are doing because they can't see the bigger risk?

I meant it's not as though we have been going to plays or big events in London.

My dm is 79 and I won’t be visiting her on Mother’s Day like I normally do. She has a few of the conditions on the vulnerable list, I feel very sad about it, but we all need to be sensible now.

Are you seriously suggesting that it's okay for families to carry on visiting AS NORMAL the way some people are doing because they can't see the bigger risk?

No, I haven't said that at any stage. I have said throughout this thread that I think people should distance themselves as much as they can. It's what I'm doing.

What I have said is that it is not black and white. If you leave a very elderly person isolated and they eg fail to take their usual medicine because they become depressed and forgetful where they previously were coping fine, they're still going to end up taking up a hospital bed. That's if anyone finds them in time to get them to hospital.

If you carry on as normal, then the likelihood of us being in lockdown increases. Then all our lives get more difficult.

I have decided that i will see my Dad twice a week as long as we have fuel, i shall take him meals and will leave them on the back doorstep, my dad will pick them up a few hours later by which time any germs on the bag will hopefully have died. After dropping the food off at the back i shall then go to the front and speak to my Dad over the garden fence, he will be at the door which is approx 18 ft away. I hate not being able to hold his hand but it has to be done.

It's Shit for all of us and our elderly loved ones but we all just need to pull together and do this.
Bottom line is we don't have a choice. This isn't really optional. Every time some just pops in to see thier mum, they are prolonging the misery for everyone who is 100% doing what we have been asked to.
People need to understand our lives are changing. We all need to make sacrifices. Life is going to be more difficult than usual for a while, but if we all knuckle down well get back to normal faster.

There actually.isnt a yes but or any excuse for just doing what you want. The rest of us are also missing iur loved ones, worried for them etc. We're not immune to the same fears, worries and distress but realise we HAVE to just do this.

No one is a "special case" and we all need to realise that.

What I have said is that it is not black and white. If you leave a very elderly person isolated and they eg fail to take their usual medicine because they become depressed and forgetful where they previously were coping fine, they're still going to end up taking up a hospital bed. That's if anyone finds them in time to get them to hospital.

Very sadly that happens to many elderly people already. But again - it doesn't trump relatives spreading the infection.

We're moving this to the Coronavirus topic now.

Very sadly that happens to many elderly people already. But again - it doesn't trump relatives spreading the infection.

So do you think they are expendable then? That they should just be left in their homes to die?

I really fear for my dads mental health. He usually spends a lot of time with my children and lives to be outside but he has heart failure and my dd has asthma and other issues so we are all self isolating. We will talk on phone etc and dh leaves supplies at his door and speaks at window.
Hopefully we are overreacting but I’m not taking any chances.