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Original poster

How To Tell Someone TTC "I Pregnant"

37 replies

Waiting2Exhale · 29/10/2008 14:24

Hi ladies....really need your kind advice. Please don't shoot me for posting here or be mad that I have invaded the conception board....

Alittle background...
I have been ttc for over a year and half. My sister who is in her 40s and posibily now pre-menepausal has been trying for about 5 or more years. We both have one child. Recently she has sought fertility treatment and we were gonna do this together. However, just before the appointment I found out I was pregnant and though happy unsure what to do. Although we both still went to the appointment I made an excuse of not being sure and decided that I'd wait and support her. She has had a real hard time of it and is currently having her eggs retrevied. I am so hoping this works for her so that I can tell her but if it doesn't was wandering what I should do. If any of you were her, what would you want from me? Should I wait until the 12wk scan is over (as I have had a previous m/c so this little bean may not even stick), or should I include her early on as this may make her feel part of the whole thing or it may make her resent being around me.... seriously don't know what to do...PLEASE HELP...All advice welcome, and sorry again for posting here but this seemed the most logical place to go... x

OP posts:
cuttingmeownthroatdibblaaaargh · 29/10/2008 14:28

I'd wait until after your 12 week scan. And then go and see her, in her home, with no one else around and tell her. Say that you know it will be hard for her.

However, if you are going to wait, it might be best not to tell anyone else - the last thing she will want is to find out in a casual convo with someone else

Congratulations btw

GoodGravytrain · 29/10/2008 14:28

I feel for you, I had to tell a friend I was pregnant shortly after she lost a baby at 10 weeks, there was just no good way to do it. But I think in retrospect I shouldn't have done it face to face - she might have wanted some time to formulate her response, feel whatever she had to feel about it without me standing there

TrippingTheLightFanjTastic · 29/10/2008 14:28

To me not saying anything to her is lying by omission. You're clearly pretty close, if she finds out at twelve weeks she may feel you've lied by not mentioning over the previous 8 weeks. ANyway if you did have a miscarriage would you never ever mention it/that pregnancy to her?

Difficult though. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope things work out for both you and your sister.

MrsTittleMouse · 29/10/2008 14:29

Why would anyone shoot you? You are trying to do the best thing for your sister.

Everyone is different, but from my experience -
Please don't tell her in front of anyone else, so that she doesn't have to put on a brave face.
I'd lean towards telling her earlier, just so that you don't have to lie to her.
She might resent you at first - not because you have done anything wrong, just because she's going through something very difficult and might well have PMT symptoms from the treatment. I'd leave it up to her if she wants to see less of you for a while. Hopefully she'll be able to enjoy your pregnancy and her new niece/nephew after the shock has worn off.

TrippingTheLightFanjTastic · 29/10/2008 14:30

I think Gravytrain is on the right tracks Don't tell her face-to-face (whenever it is) let her have some time to digest it in private.

CoteDAzur · 29/10/2008 14:35

If it was my sister, I would be hurt that she waited until 12 weeks to tell me, as if I were some stranger at work.

MrsHappy · 29/10/2008 15:09

I have just lost a baby and one of my good friends has just told me that she is pregnant (due when my baby should have been). While I am pleased for her it does hurt and would hurt no matter when she had told me.

Whatever you do, when you tell her make sure you are alone. I cried when I heard my friend's news which was kind of embarassing.

Maybe consider calling her first. I've been in this situation twice and it was easier when I was told over the phone. I put on a happy voice for 30 seconds then did my crying in private and had a chance to pull myself together before I next saw/spoke to that friend.

I think also I would be inclined to tell her sooner rather than later. This one is a tough call because it will hurt no matter what, but I think that it might make her feel better to know that, just as she is including you in her IVF process, you are including her in what is going on with you.

I don't believe she will resent being around you. It just might take her a while to digest the news.

Original poster
Waiting2Exhale · 29/10/2008 15:12

Wow guys...thanks loads for your responses...am now thinking of telling her sooner rather than later. However as she is currently, and I mean, today, going through the retrieval process, I think I will at least wait a few more days....am so dreading it.

Trippingthelightfanjtastic I did actually tell her about the miscarriage earlier this year at the time it was happening. The thing is because of that I don't think she would mind if I said nothing until after the 12wk scan as I think she would understand why I might do that. However as this all falls around xmas don't want to ruin her festive hols so have decided to wait until at least 8/9 weeks pg before saying anything as lost the last a 7wks pg.

OP posts:
BrightSideOfLife · 29/10/2008 15:13

Hi Waiting,

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck - I hope this little one sticks!

Just to echo what Gravytrain and Tripping said - I wouldn't tell her face to face.

I have been on the other side of this - I lost a baby at 10 weeks in March this year and very soon afterwards, two close friends told me they were pregnant. They were both very considerate and told me privately - one took me out for coffee and told me then, the other phoned me and told me over the phone. The phonecall was BY FAR easier to handle. Being told in a coffee shop was difficult because I had to try to compose myself, in a public place - whilst I really just wanted 5 minutes alone to digest the news.

I am (of course!) very, very happy for both of them...but there is no denying that it was difficult at the time.

Good luck!

BrightSideOfLife · 29/10/2008 15:16

Mrshappy - sorry, we cross posted. Very sorry to hear about your mc, completely agree about having a cry after hearing my friends news. I was crying for 'me' though - not for their news and although it was awkward for a little while afterwards, it did get better.

londonlottie · 29/10/2008 15:28

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ilovemydog · 29/10/2008 15:39

The 12 week rule was really to ensure that the pregnancy was viable, but I'd always tell people before this as I'd also want them to know if I had a miscarriage....

I think you should be honest with her; that you have been struggling with how to tell her as you know it's a sensitive area, etc...

Besides, as you sound really close, it will give her hope...

yellowflowers · 29/10/2008 15:44

I would be honest with her now - I'd be upset if it was me and you waited 12 weeks given how close you are and that you do discuss it. I would meet her and tell her if possible but tell her quickly and make it a short visit - maybe coffee - so she can go off for a cry if she wants. She will be sad and happy for you at the same time.
x

TrippingTheLightFanjTastic · 29/10/2008 15:48

It's all in the outcome really isn't it? If her treatment results in a pregnancy then you can tell her immediately and all will be well. If it doesn't work then she's going to be very upset (understatement I know) and the added news from you may make her feel even worse.

How many weeks are you at the moment? There certainly seems to be justification for you waiting until after the stage of your previous miscarriage.

I told everyone about my first two pregnancies immediately (close family I mean) but by number 3 something made me wait a few weeks. All was fine and I told them about 7 weeks however I worried they might be upset we'd known a while and not said anything. No one batted an eyelid, it's accepted that a woman/couple may choose to keep it secret for a while and that's their prerogative.

beaniescreamyb · 29/10/2008 15:53

I think you need to face this head on. I think you need to go and see her and you need to tell her that you are really worried about hurting and upsetting her as you know how hard it has been for her but there is no way you can keep this from her. That you understand this will be a hugely emotional thing for her and that she may feel upset, even bitter, and that you totally understand and don't think avoiding the subject will help either of you.

I think pretending it's not happening and delaying telling her is the absolutely worst thing you can do. I think she will be feeling very sensitive about how other people interact with her.

Please tell her, please explain to her that you know it is a sensitive subject. Don't give her any reason to feel like you are keeping things from her.

Also - tell her privately away from other people because she may not cope well dealing with this info in company where she feels like other people are watching her reaction.

Original poster
Waiting2Exhale · 29/10/2008 18:49

Hi all....have read and taken on board everyones comments and truely appreciate it. Londonlottie I am glad you posted as have had my eye on your temping thread and read your reaction which prompted me also to consider how I should move forward as it is sooo very important that I do this right. Its difficult for both of us but having said that, I'm in the position she wants to be so who care really (including myself) how I feel so l feel so long as my sister receives the news the best way possible. Thanks for your advice.

TrippingTheLightFanjTastic I am currently 6wks pg and have had a bit of a bleed last week and yesterday so not feeling very confident about the whole thing myself. Kinda feel I'm about to m/c again but thats just probably me being paranoid. Whilst it is important for me to confide in my sister, I also don't want to do anything at this stage as telling her may be all for nothing, iykwim.

I have two possible dates in mind having read everything here. 1) Tell her now during the hopefull 2ww where she may be happy for me and hopeful for herself and we can continue to talk about the whole IVF thing or alternatively, 2) Wait until I am 8wks which really isn't that long away, where I am more confident this bean will stick.... but that might be the worse time for her as if the IVF doesn't work (she should get her results about that time)....what a dilema...

10wks is beginning to sound better the more I think about this...some time before xmas and some time after a possible failed attempt at IVF..... REALLY dreading this and sooooo hoping this turns out well for her (the ivf i mean)....

OP posts:
londonlottie · 29/10/2008 18:57

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Original poster
Waiting2Exhale · 29/10/2008 20:11

Londonlottie again thanks will just have to feel my way on this one but it will be earlier rather than later for sure... wishing you loads of success with the IVF in Norway x

OP posts:
amelied · 04/11/2008 15:35

Hi London Lottie,

I was very interested to see you were attending a Norway Clinic for IVF. I was reading recently about a success story and the fact that it was half the cost of IVF here. Was this place recommended to you? After two miscarriages I may have to go down this road myself.

Many thanks
amelied

londonlottie · 04/11/2008 15:42

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londonlottie · 04/11/2008 15:44

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amelied · 04/11/2008 16:11

Hi Londonlottie

Many thanks for your speedy reply! I have been trying 3 years - took 13 months the first pregancy which I miscarried at 6 weeks and then I was pregnant June of this year and had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks followed by a D&C in August. Have had recurrent miscarriage tests after two losses as I am 39 and the Fertilty consultant took pity on me. Took 8 weeks for the results to appear and all is well - no chromosome issues and we seem compatible - have a follow up with the consultant in 3 weeks. The midwife who I spoke to with the results has put it down to bad luck!!

Ironically the two months I have became pregnant is the two months that I have said no to ovulation sticks/temp sheets/obessive behaviour

I just saw on another post that you have had some great acupuncture appointments. I am going back tonight after work to a new one I have found. The first one I went to never spoke, just stuck the needles in and the other was a chain of chinese acupuncture clinics found in shopping malls. They were more interested in selling me expensive bags of foul weeds to make into a tea!

I hope Norway works out fantastic for you...

londonlottie · 04/11/2008 16:15

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amelied · 04/11/2008 16:22

Bleat away - Im sure it will be all worth it in the end.

Yes it is my first - I am (whispers) 40 in January. Yeah, all the medical people that are helping me tell me that it is great that I have became pregnant!!!

Just cant seem to get by the 8 week mark and that it takes between 12 to 16 months to get to that stage. It has been an obsession in the past and I am trying to "relax" as they keeping telling me just feel I have missed the boat.

I have been lurking on here for awhile but never actually posted. I see that there is a 40+ & fabulous post that is great to read all the positive outcomes.

Have you been trying long??

londonlottie · 04/11/2008 16:57

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