How To Tell Someone TTC "I Pregnant"

[Waiting2Exhale]

Hi ladies....really need your kind advice. Please don't shoot me for posting here or be mad that I have invaded the conception board....

Alittle background...
I have been ttc for over a year and half. My sister who is in her 40s and posibily now pre-menepausal has been trying for about 5 or more years. We both have one child. Recently she has sought fertility treatment and we were gonna do this together. However, just before the appointment I found out I was pregnant and though happy unsure what to do. Although we both still went to the appointment I made an excuse of not being sure and decided that I'd wait and support her. She has had a real hard time of it and is currently having her eggs retrevied. I am so hoping this works for her so that I can tell her but if it doesn't was wandering what I should do. If any of you were her, what would you want from me? Should I wait until the 12wk scan is over (as I have had a previous m/c so this little bean may not even stick), or should I include her early on as this may make her feel part of the whole thing or it may make her resent being around me.... seriously don't know what to do...PLEASE HELP...All advice welcome, and sorry again for posting here but this seemed the most logical place to go... x

[amelied]

Thanks - am absolutely dreading it as I am completely dentalphobic! After going through a D&C I put on my brave face and went to the dentist and faced my fear. It is really 2.5 teeth as one has crumbled quite badly. I have been referred to a sedation dental clinic (don't think my dentist could face me passing out in his chair) so I will be given a jag and will be awake but promised I won't remember anything. Once this is over I can be back on the TTC train..

Thanks for the luck Im going to need it x

[amelied]

Hello

If you vague chance is indeed correct that is brilliant news!! When you have an appoinment in place something in your brain relaxes and lets it happen - well that's what happened to me when I had the second pregnancy - we thought we would have the month off in June ;) as we knew we had a consultant appointment at the end of the month, only BD twice and what da ya know! Unfortunately our happiness didnt last but that was our bad luck.

I think your "wee brain switch" turned off with the knowing of your Norway trip!

Im out this month, AF appeared last Tuesday, quite relieved as I have an x-ray and three back teeth to be taken out this week so would rather try again this month without worry of radiation!

I have everything crossed for you, truly. Keep in touch!

[amelied]

Hi Londonlottie - just checking in on you - how is the sniffing going??

amelied

[amelied]

Will do - Happy Wednesday to ya!

[amelied]

...I think we have

Dont feel sad about it - everyone here is out to achieve the same, it just happens in different ways and thank God for incredible, medical science. I know what you mean though, after 3 years for me - Im just tired of the whole damn process. We started Dec'06 and every Christmas day & New Year's Day I think will there be a bouncing baby next Christmas?

Well Lottie, Im glad to meet you (under miserable circumstance though) but glad.

Will be thinking off you at the end of November and hope all your dreams come true. Alright to check in with you now and again?

[amelied]

You poor soul, I hope you cold clears up and the sniffing can begin to work its magic!!

Yep, the pitying eyes are the worst...

A couple of my pregnant friends have been through similiar mc/IVF/unexplained fertility so in my strange scale of "allowing myself to be happy for them" they rate quite high - I have this bizarre scale that if you have suffered in the past then it is allowed but if you are one of those smug ones that just have to look at their OH and then they are pregnant then I have no interest in you!! OR even if you are one of those who plan to have a baby for Dec or maybe we could have a summer baby and then it happens that way for them - Aargh, dont get me started - sorry Lottie you have opened the floodgates now...

I have a situation that a very, very good friend of mine fell pregnant when I had my first m/c and went on to have a sucessful birth and has a beautiful daughter. With my second pregnancy, this time she would have been 2 weeks behind me. Her pregnancy has continued so although she means the world to me and has been a fantastic support to me looking at her daughter and future baby is going to be a lifelong reminder of my two that didnt make it.

As for your story of the so-called "friends" - try and spring clean them out of your lives as they are not true friends - there was no need for that announcement to you and she could have kindly refused the dessert - another fine example to kick out of the Sisterhood.

Re: Private clinics, I know that my consultant is also involved in a private clinic (in fairness she didnt tell me, I googled her) and I suppose at the end of the day it is a business but anyone I have heard of going to one hasn't had any success.

That was great advice you were given and has made me think, I really need to have myself distracted as 3 years of obsessing hasnt helped me.

So what now for you - another trip back to Norway in the next week or two?? is it the clinic you kindly sent me the link to -Hausken?

[amelied]

Hi Lottie,

Yep, I have been living "pregnant woman" hell - after the D&C I was off work for ten days and I didnt realise that my home is on the walking with the new shiny prams route to a local medical centre - I think that new mothers have SatNav's set to walk past my place! Have a few friends who have announced pregancies or just had babies - I can feel them tip toe around me with their conversations and I feel I am putting a dampner on what is their precious moments that they should, quite rightly be happy about and celebrating. I hate being this depressed, upset, tearful at the drop of a hat, person - it is not my natural state and I feel like I am wearing some cloak of doom.

Had a great acupuncture session last night with a new and lovely acupuncturist.She sat there listening to me harping on and she then told me that her husband and herself couldn't have children. What a gracious thing to do to specialiase and help other women with their fertility.

I have been attending a local hospital fertility clinic since June (at that time of the June appointment I was pregnant but didnt know it). They have been good with me and I haven't had to sit on the huge waiting list that others do but have also been starting to do some research as well into the private side of it all.

[amelied]

Bleat away - Im sure it will be all worth it in the end.

Yes it is my first - I am (whispers) 40 in January. Yeah, all the medical people that are helping me tell me that it is great that I have became pregnant!!!

Just cant seem to get by the 8 week mark and that it takes between 12 to 16 months to get to that stage. It has been an obsession in the past and I am trying to "relax" as they keeping telling me just feel I have missed the boat.

I have been lurking on here for awhile but never actually posted. I see that there is a 40+ & fabulous post that is great to read all the positive outcomes.

Have you been trying long??

[amelied]

Hi Londonlottie

Many thanks for your speedy reply! I have been trying 3 years - took 13 months the first pregancy which I miscarried at 6 weeks and then I was pregnant June of this year and had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks followed by a D&C in August. Have had recurrent miscarriage tests after two losses as I am 39 and the Fertilty consultant took pity on me. Took 8 weeks for the results to appear and all is well - no chromosome issues and we seem compatible - have a follow up with the consultant in 3 weeks. The midwife who I spoke to with the results has put it down to bad luck!!

Ironically the two months I have became pregnant is the two months that I have said no to ovulation sticks/temp sheets/obessive behaviour

I just saw on another post that you have had some great acupuncture appointments. I am going back tonight after work to a new one I have found. The first one I went to never spoke, just stuck the needles in and the other was a chain of chinese acupuncture clinics found in shopping malls. They were more interested in selling me expensive bags of foul weeds to make into a tea!

I hope Norway works out fantastic for you...

[amelied]

Hi London Lottie,

I was very interested to see you were attending a Norway Clinic for IVF. I was reading recently about a success story and the fact that it was half the cost of IVF here. Was this place recommended to you? After two miscarriages I may have to go down this road myself.

Many thanks
amelied

[Waiting2Exhale]

Londonlottie again thanks will just have to feel my way on this one but it will be earlier rather than later for sure... wishing you loads of success with the IVF in Norway x

[Waiting2Exhale]

Hi all....have read and taken on board everyones comments and truely appreciate it. Londonlottie I am glad you posted as have had my eye on your temping thread and read your reaction which prompted me also to consider how I should move forward as it is sooo very important that I do this right. Its difficult for both of us but having said that, I'm in the position she wants to be so who care really (including myself) how I feel so l feel so long as my sister receives the news the best way possible. Thanks for your advice.

TrippingTheLightFanjTastic I am currently 6wks pg and have had a bit of a bleed last week and yesterday so not feeling very confident about the whole thing myself. Kinda feel I'm about to m/c again but thats just probably me being paranoid. Whilst it is important for me to confide in my sister, I also don't want to do anything at this stage as telling her may be all for nothing, iykwim.

I have two possible dates in mind having read everything here. 1) Tell her now during the hopefull 2ww where she may be happy for me and hopeful for herself and we can continue to talk about the whole IVF thing or alternatively, 2) Wait until I am 8wks which really isn't that long away, where I am more confident this bean will stick.... but that might be the worse time for her as if the IVF doesn't work (she should get her results about that time)....what a dilema...

10wks is beginning to sound better the more I think about this...some time before xmas and some time after a possible failed attempt at IVF..... REALLY dreading this and sooooo hoping this turns out well for her (the ivf i mean)....

[beaniescreamyb]

I think you need to face this head on. I think you need to go and see her and you need to tell her that you are really worried about hurting and upsetting her as you know how hard it has been for her but there is no way you can keep this from her. That you understand this will be a hugely emotional thing for her and that she may feel upset, even bitter, and that you totally understand and don't think avoiding the subject will help either of you.

I think pretending it's not happening and delaying telling her is the absolutely worst thing you can do. I think she will be feeling very sensitive about how other people interact with her.

Please tell her, please explain to her that you know it is a sensitive subject. Don't give her any reason to feel like you are keeping things from her.

Also - tell her privately away from other people because she may not cope well dealing with this info in company where she feels like other people are watching her reaction.

[TrippingTheLightFanjTastic]

It's all in the outcome really isn't it? If her treatment results in a pregnancy then you can tell her immediately and all will be well. If it doesn't work then she's going to be very upset (understatement I know) and the added news from you may make her feel even worse.

How many weeks are you at the moment? There certainly seems to be justification for you waiting until after the stage of your previous miscarriage.

I told everyone about my first two pregnancies immediately (close family I mean) but by number 3 something made me wait a few weeks. All was fine and I told them about 7 weeks however I worried they might be upset we'd known a while and not said anything. No one batted an eyelid, it's accepted that a woman/couple may choose to keep it secret for a while and that's their prerogative.

[yellowflowers]

I would be honest with her now - I'd be upset if it was me and you waited 12 weeks given how close you are and that you do discuss it. I would meet her and tell her if possible but tell her quickly and make it a short visit - maybe coffee - so she can go off for a cry if she wants. She will be sad and happy for you at the same time.
x