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Original poster

Am I crazy to want a 4th child at 42??

57 replies

RaisingYankeesinParis · 25/04/2023 19:16

Hello,

i will be 42 soon and my husband only gave my the green light to TTC in August. Had a lot of work stress and finally got pregnant this month but it’s a chemical pregnancy (like I had in 2014), blighted ovum I think it’s called. Very down because it seemed acceptable to squeeze the start of pregnancy in at 41, but 42 seems pushing it. My husband and I have a great marriage and all our 3 kids are ours. ❤️

thanks for your thoughts

OP posts:
eatdrinkandbemerry · 25/04/2023 19:19

I had a surprise third at 41 and it's doable 🤣
But I'm knackered and I swear this kid gives me a new grey hair daily 😩

JayAlfredPrufrock · 25/04/2023 19:20

We need more births. Crack on.

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/04/2023 19:21

I really really wouldn't recommend it. I think you have to count your enormous blessings if you have three healthy children.

thejadefish · 25/04/2023 19:33

Crazy? I don't know, I had DC2 at age 45 (conceived naturally at 44 - wish I'd done it 10 years earlier but met DH late in life so having children wasn't deliberately delayed). If I had a magic wand sure I'd be younger, but physically I feel fine, pregnancy was smooth and I don't feel that my energy levels are much different so for me its more a case of will I be here & healthy as they grow up and become adults rather than am I able to run around after them in the here and now. If you feel healthy & energetic enough I don't see why not!

GlowingBear · 25/04/2023 19:34

I’m sorry for your loss OP, I know how that can really drive the desire to have another child.

I had my first and only child a couple of months before turning 42. He’s incredible and I adore him but I am tired beyond belief and it affects both my parenting and my mental health.

It obviously depends on what sort of child you get but that’s a lottery. But in general, it’s not the newborn you have to think about. I’m guessing you’ll probably be 43 by the time the child is born; it’s the 47 with a four year bit that’s hard. I’m 46 with a nearly five year old, peri menopause is starting to kick in and I’ve got an extremely active child who is a poor sleeper. I also have a teenage stepchild and that complicates things, I really can’t imagine trying to juggle four.

If you don’t have to work it could potentially work, but you still be exhausted and I’d strongly consider the impact of that on your other kids

HandlebarLadyTash · 25/04/2023 19:35

Yes

scrivette · 25/04/2023 19:38

I don't think you are crazy to want another child, 42 isn't that old and if you feel your lifestyle could cope with one then I would say go for it.

I am a similar age and if we had better circumstances then I would consider having another.

CampervanKween · 25/04/2023 19:40

I had my 3rd at 42. I'm 53 now and he's an absolute blessing. Keeps me young I think personally.

updin · 25/04/2023 19:48

The risk of SEN and other complications would be too high for me considering the amount of other children you need to think of.

Original poster
RaisingYankeesinParis · 25/04/2023 19:48

Thank you all.

one of the dangers of posting stuff I like this is tbh what I want to hear is “Do it!”

The thing is I just LOVE kids, especially mine obviously. I have adored having each of them. We are a really family-centered family and I don’t need a lot of “me” time.

at night I put my 4 yr old to sleep and I love to lie next to him after his story. Used to break my heart when I thought I couldn’t have another. I really have wanted this nonstop for 4 years. It was so hard for me to use contraception for so long. We now decided we’d leave it to God and see what He thinks. I wonder if this miscarriage will change my husband’s mind.

living in a big city (Paris, like London) means that there are quite a few older mothers around. In fact I know 2 moms who have given birth to #4 lately. (But my MIL in the countryside will have a heart attack. We have already decided not to tell my in-laws til the moment of birth is upon us).

I THINK I am high-energy but maybe by 45 I will feel differently. I worry because some people think this is so crazy, and so far I think my life choices have turned out ok.

OP posts:
CampervanKween · 25/04/2023 19:59

It has been a thing in my family for generations to have children older and I think that was what persuaded me to do it as well. My auntie is in her eighties and regularly goes trekking on her own across places like Vietnam. So I guess it depends on your genes, are you a family of healthy old age?

TheChosenTwo · 25/04/2023 20:03

Sorry for your loss 💐 hope you are physically okay, it takes time mentally.

But Omg the idea of this breaks me out into a cold sweat 😰 I’m 38, my youngest is 11 and my older 2 are 19 and 17. I had them young and am looking forward to the next stage in life opening up for us both a bit more. We would have been on the home straight if not for the youngest! One of our older ones is currently giving us a lot of stress and worry and she’s taking a lot out of both of us. I don’t think I’d feel so up to still being a primary care giver to these needs at 60. I don’t know for sure, obviously. None of us can know!

However, it totally depends on what you want out of life. If you’re happy to do it then I really hope it works out for you. At the end of the day people might think you’re crazy (I certainly don’t but it’s definitely not something that I’m planning) but they’re not the ones hoping to do it. Don’t give other peoples opinions your headspace. Other than mine obviously 😂

dailytalk · 25/04/2023 21:05

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/04/2023 19:21

I really really wouldn't recommend it. I think you have to count your enormous blessings if you have three healthy children.

And a healthy marriage

Original poster
RaisingYankeesinParis · 25/04/2023 21:39

CampervanKween · 25/04/2023 19:59

It has been a thing in my family for generations to have children older and I think that was what persuaded me to do it as well. My auntie is in her eighties and regularly goes trekking on her own across places like Vietnam. So I guess it depends on your genes, are you a family of healthy old age?

Good question. Not that I know of. My grandmothers were in their 80s. One had her 4th at 40. I would give my left arm to be 2 yrs younger!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/04/2023 21:41

I am 10 years older than you, and with peri menopause I could not cope with a 10 year old. So I’d say no, don’t do it.

Original poster
RaisingYankeesinParis · 25/04/2023 21:41

Interesting remark. It’s true that my kids are all 10 and under so I don’t know what having really big kids is like or how much it might weigh on a parent. But don’t you feel that having an 11 yr old keeps you young ?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/04/2023 21:42

And the other considers how you’d cope if the child had additional needs, and how that would change the dynamics of your family.

FfeminyddCymraeg · 25/04/2023 21:46

Having a teenager (and another almost teenager) has been the biggest shock of my life - they are so much harder than small DC. I couldn’t be doing this in my 60s. No way. Im about your age OP but obviously started younger.

wordsthreerandom · 25/04/2023 22:10

RaisingYankeesinParis · 25/04/2023 21:41

Interesting remark. It’s true that my kids are all 10 and under so I don’t know what having really big kids is like or how much it might weigh on a parent. But don’t you feel that having an 11 yr old keeps you young ?

I was 41 when I had my final child. They are now 11 and I'm 52.
They are an absolute joy but no, they don't keep me young, I'm menopausal and exhausted. I feel old and shattered a lot of the time if I'm honest.

They don't get the attention my older children had because I'm so spread so thin with trying to parent teenagers alongside my youngest.
I look forward to some time travelling and enjoying retirement, this could be many years in the future though, I hope I do live long enough to enjoy some years doing my own things when they are all grown and settled.

Farfaraway1 · 26/04/2023 02:55

I don’t think you’re crazy, I think it’s do-able, but only for a particular type of person if that makes sense.. for me the sleepless nights and added years of day care and school drop offs would be really hard to handle.
I’m 39 turning 40 later this year. I have a 5 & 8 year old. I’ve yearned for another child for years, sadly, after some losses, it never happened so we have decided to stop trying a while ago. It’s been a heartbreaking decision if I’m honest but the risks that come with age are just too great in our minds. We’ve decided to focus our time, energy, and finances on our two beautiful and healthy boys, and count our blessings with what we already have. 💖

blahblahblah1654 · 26/04/2023 02:59

If you have the space and are prepared for the chaos I'd say go for it. I'll have my second when I'm 39 and depending on how this goes I'd be up for a third so I'd be close to 42 or more if/when that happened. It's hardly old and you'd be tired with 4 if you were 22 or 42. 42 just doesn't seem old or tired to me! I'm personally glad I didn't have kids in my 20s.

Codlingmoths · 26/04/2023 05:21

Im 40 and I would love a 4th. Dh not so much but would go for it if I asked him. It’s the increased risks stopping me from talking him into it. Our 3 dcs lives would change so much with a sibling with for example Downs that needed constant additional care and I just don’t know that it’s fair to ask that of him. Plus the extended lack of sex, spare time etc.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 26/04/2023 05:25

DustyLee123 · 25/04/2023 21:41

I am 10 years older than you, and with peri menopause I could not cope with a 10 year old. So I’d say no, don’t do it.

I am 47 and statements like this really worry me. Can I ask why not ? 10 year olds aren't especially challenging usually.

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 26/04/2023 07:25

Yes. I'm 44 and the very thought of having to deal with a toddler again...Shock

Highfivemum · 26/04/2023 07:39

a lot of woman find it hard acceptable that their last DC will be their last if that makes sense. Our mummy hormones can get the better of us. I have 6 DC. My last two born in my 40’s. I love DC as does my DH so I am blessed to be in that position. Last year I was like you. looking at my 2 year old and thinking no more toddlers etc. obviously had decided this was my last and it can for some be quite emotional. I know have the delight of a teen and a nearly teen and oh my they are far far harder than babies. Great kids but the worry about them when they get their independence etc and all the other teen stuff is most def starting to take its toll on me and I have four other DC to go through this and getting older by the day. Yes they keep me young and yes I love it but it is hard. You sound in a lovely place with your DH and family and if it was you want to do then go for it but make sure it isn’t just the desire due to the littlest getting older.
sorry to hear about your loss and good luck.