There was a viroid named Just, who was all wanton and lust. But her fanjo's a numpty, so she named it country, and they have a skittletits bust! It's JSing 50!!

[lildottie]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 49 is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2399734-These-be-our-very-Cs-our-Us-N-our-Ts-proudly-JSing-their-way-to-poetic-BFPs-in-49-Together-we-Shall-take-off-our-robes-to-shag-put-on-our-crowns-to-copulate-we-have-immortal-longings-in-us?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2407126-Avoiding-accidental-golden-showers-and-unsolicited-bump-touching-while-enjoying-the-gamble-of-the-poo-lottery-and-apparently-getting-more-massive-by-the-day-JSer-grads-31" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2355867-Weve-no-time-for-JSing-Were-battling-green-nappies-sleepless-nights-x-box-playing-men-and-trying-to-hide-our-sling-addictions-Fuck-it-lets-do-a-runner-on-a-golf-cart" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="//www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings can be found HERE and <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2358940-The-title-of-those-conception-threads-rein-it-in-their-please-ladies?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="//www.docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

country what utter bastards. Sorry love. Glad your fanjo juice has calmed. I'm also bloatier than Henry VIII

ill glad it went well.

Horrid news about your neighbour cold.

Sorry not got time to reply properly as mum staying but and/or all round.

Oops sorry was illiria with neighbour!

not read all but country 2years is standard in NHS "if no indicators of infertility". to know there are no indicators they need to do sa and" day21" bloods (including rubella and amh). my gp said 2yrs but my clinic actually says 1 so check your local clinics out. hfea website may be a good place to start. I'd go back and make a nuisance of yourself. I was 27 when we started and look at me now. my clinic charges £75 for a sperm analysis as a private patient.

Thanks viroids. I really don't mind being patient as I know these can take time but if there is a problem and don't want to bloody sit here and wait for them to decide they want to look into it.

Thanks lil that's really helpful. I may well make some calls

just Henry VIII? Look at you with te pop culture reference

2 years? For some reason I always thought it was just the 1 year too! Might be worth a £75 sperm analysis if a clinic near you does that Country. What happens if it flags up with an issue? Would the NHS step in after that or do you think they will make you wait the 2 years still?

No chance of any strenuous shags for MrFluffy and I anytime soon. I went to a body pump class 2 nights ago (really going to give this healthy living a go!) and I can barely move! Spent all day yesterday sitting down on chairs as though I had an invisible 9 month baby bump in the way and walking down stairs like a cowboy. I had hoped today would be better, but it's worse! I can hardly lift my arms and my butt checks hurt even when sitting down. Dreading another day at work today, especially with how hot it is!

No pain no gain fluffy

sympathies fluff ! i love a bit of body pump, but first class back after a while I was like you...stairs were big trouble, right bicep was crippled but a few weeks down the line and i only get satisfying soreness...next time will be much better i promise. my top tip...focus on technique and timing rather than heavy weights, makes the class much better for you overall and you can gradually incraese weight overtime

country which i always want to shorten to count pronounced cunt but seems a bit harsh even for us! surprising it's so long, but thank goodness you fibbed and now you know. obv you wont need to worry about it as bfp is just around the corner :)

lil there's a thread in 'sex' about what is vanilla - saw it and though of you (in the nicest possible way ) ...very wide range of opinions on what is vanilla, what is kinky etc...lots of "what is a facial?" ...quite funny

happy thursday everyone x

Illiria no, I haven't read it. Might look into it, thanks. Glad your procedures went well. I hate when you have bruises on arms from needles, makes you look like a junkie

fluffy sounds like a good work out, well done. Your body will thank you once it stops complaining!

Yes Tink it was me. I thought I was 14dpo on Tues. But I'm contraband free and I haven't really had any icing symptoms so it's just a guess really. AF is still not here so I'm going to get some sticks later today and POAS tomorrow as that's when I'll be "officially" late.

By the way does anyone know what happens in anovulatory cycle? How does your body know when to invite AF? Or do you still get LH surge but no egg and that's how it decides, so your cycle will still look absolutely normal?

Ooh Carrot gx for you. Main indicator for Anovulatory cycles for me (i had 3 on the bounce at some point) was no sore boobs - I still got sort of lines on opks but not very strong. Its progesterone that causes the sore boobs and you don't get a surge in that if you don't ov. Cycle length went slightly skew wiff by a few days too.

Ill glad your procedures went well.

5hell its cunt in my head too, cant help it.

Count have a google for your local fc's. Mine has a handy pricelist on the website linky

fluff It's just part of the settling in process! Make it a habit and I swear it gets easier, you won't feel like you've been hit by a bus after every class and you'll tone up nicely. It's worthwhile as well if you have some non-class gym time to practice the movements from the class, slow them down and get your technique right - it will help with injury prevention.

Still. No. Goddamn. Period. Someone just kick me in the uterus and get things started please. Murphy's law says it's going to arrive without any warning on Saturday when I'm in Paris and it's hot as fuck and humid too!

tri I find if you yell at fanjo really loudly if nothing else it make you feel better!

I'm so hip

Fanjo shouting is advised. Might not work but like count says it will make you feel better!

Ooh Paris. I'm v jealous!

/hollers at fanjo

/hollers again...

/feels better

We're just going for one night - we have tickets for the Diamond League athletics on Saturday night and we have fellow track nerds coming with us too. Hubby's brother used to run for Ireland and is now an athletics journalist.

Make me think of count from Sesame Street. One ah ah ah.

Please reserve cuntry for my fanjo as she is cunty in every sense of the word

country my OH had the dodgy balls too. When he was stood up it felt like a bag of worms! He had a little op to get rid of them and we asked the consultant to arrange a sperm analysis

There was a beautiful cat in my garden at lunch. A Bengal type, approx 6 months old with lovely blue eyes and a raccoon tail. It was terribly thirsty and drinking from the birdbath old biscuit tin. I had to go back to work and asked my neighbour to keep her eye on it for the afternoon. I know everyone on this tiny place, as does my neighbour, and no one has had a new kitten. Got home and it's gone , hoping very much it's made its way home. Have checked local lost and found sites and nothing. I'd named it in the car this afternoon (frankie cos of the blue eyes) and was hoping it had adopted us and wanted to move in. Feel stupid for not catching it now but thought perhaps if it had made its way here it could make its way home again. Maybe one of the farms has had it and we just haven't heard. Hope it's ok, it's so difficult to know what to do in these situations. am glued to the windows now in case it comes back, maybe it will when it stops raining.

fluff I'm a body pump fan - do it regularly but I'm still aching today from Tuesday - it's worth it, I've noticed the difference in a few weeks.

tri I used to compete in athletics when I was younger, have a great time in Paris watching the professionals

just when do we normally got spotty?

*go

Also when's af due?

body pump sounds like too much work.

nfmv: opk getting quite dark and still 0 jizz bombs. cd13 so sex ban ends tomorrow. dh admitted he feels under pressure and I'm like I haven't poaopk until today, I haven't temped until this morning and I haven't begged for sex. so where is the pressure? oh yes, me wanting to have sex for wanting sex's sake apparently. I think all this ttc for so long has fucked up our sex lives.

Af due 9th according to ff and 7th according to ovia country. Spots usually get us around 10/11dpo if I recall correctly. Why? You spottiferous?

lil he really has no idea how lucky he is does he?!

7th here. No oddly clear even though I've been sleeping in makeup!