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Original poster

Upset as DH announced that we won't have enough money after all :(

66 replies

bellasorella · 11/05/2014 14:36

We are supposed to start TTC in December. This has been the plan for a while. We have a combined income of £40k+ before tax but he is self employed with a variable monthly income (so some months will take home lots and others very little). He takes care of most of our finances and budgeting.

I assumed he knew what my mat pay would be, but apparently not. Having found out, he is now saying that if we have a baby next year (as planned) and I go on mat leave we won't be able to comfortably afford our rent and bills.

My argument: Why CAN'T we afford to when lots of couples with less money than us start families all the time and manage. Am wondering if perhaps we just have a different idea of 'living comfortably'.

Who is right here? Does it sounds like our bills must be too high?

Upset as we both really want a baby and, having been together for nearly 10 years and married for three, I really really don't want to wait for another few years :( What a blow.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 11/05/2014 14:40

It sounds like you need to see the figures. Maybe you need to move somewhere cheaper?

MuttonCadet · 11/05/2014 14:42

I think if everyone actually sat down and did the sums very few people would think that they could afford kids, and yet many, many people do.

Look through the sums with him, perhaps you could manage for a few years on not being "comfortable" for the sake of having a child together?

Good luck!

ThingsThatShine · 11/05/2014 14:43

I think you need to look at the figures in detail. Many people can afford a baby on that salary but then some with very high outgoings would struggle, so you need to see if there is anything you can cut, any savings you could make to prepare for mat leave. If you are renting I agree look into moving somewhere slightly cheaper if possible?

NorksEnormous · 11/05/2014 14:47

Can I ask why start Ttc in December? If you both really want a baby why not now? Me and my DH combined income is no where near 40k yet we have 2 happy children who are well dressed, well fed, and have plenty of toys

Loobyloo893 · 11/05/2014 14:50

If you both really want to make it work then it will. I'm a SAHM so we live off my DH's salary (about 30k). Yes we have to budget and it can be tight some months but we never feel like we or our DS goes without. We are ttc #2 and if we manage it we know we will have to give up a few luxuries but IMO it's worth it. Talk to him,look at the finances together and see where you are willing to cut back.

Original poster
bellasorella · 11/05/2014 14:54

Thanks. I would move too, although I KNOW DH wouldn't. I know we have a little amount per month going out to pay off a loan we took out while I was still at uni and he was establishing his business, so that may account for some of it. We don't spend that much on going out and luxuries, though my car was more expensive than necessary (petrol-head DH's decision prior to baby-talk!)
He says it all depends on how much he earns the next few months, but I can see him saying that again at the end of those few months, regardless of how much he earns. He seems pretty sure that his earnings will keep increasing, and I wonder if really he would rather wait until we had much more money to have children, but we could be waiting a while!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bellasorella · 11/05/2014 14:58

Norks- I said to him that our income is a perfectly good amount to raise children!! We want to start trying in December as the mat pay works out much better in my job if I have a baby in the Autumn (though I know babies don't exactly arrive on cue!)
Thank you Looby, I will try that.

OP posts:
Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 11/05/2014 14:59

I'm guessing "living comfortably" means "nothing actually changes".

Work out what his ideas are. Then challenge them.

HecatePropylaea · 11/05/2014 15:00

people who aren't sure that they actually want to make the move to actually HAVE children tend to come up with all sorts of reasons why it isn't the right time.

Are you sure that he isn't a bit scared and making excuses?

There are many things that people can do in order to afford children.

What is the actual figure that he feels must be coming in in order to afford children. Actual £?

CrispyFern · 11/05/2014 15:04

We have am income of £30k and two children and life goes on!

FunnyFoot · 11/05/2014 15:08

It does sound like he is making excuses OP.

Are you really sure he wants a child?

DrFunkesFamilyBandSolution · 11/05/2014 15:11

Can he go part time instead of you taking maternity leave?
We're Londonbased, dh's income is 40k, we've got 2 and hopefully another on the way, things are comfortable but tight, if we sat down and plannedit (we did) we would find out that, on paper, we can't afford 1 let alone 3 but you make it work.

Sounds like he's going to keep you hanging by a thread forever tbh, hope you manage to work things out

Original poster
bellasorella · 11/05/2014 15:21

DrFunkes, that's what we've done- worked it out and computer says no! You are right, we could be waiting forever!

Funnyfoot- I think he does, yes. It was his idea to start TTC in December, he just didn't know that maternity pay was as much as it is. Last month I thought I was pg, and although his first reaction was 'I hope not it isn't the right time', he then became quite excited at the idea and kept checking everything I ate! He seemed disappointed to tell me that he doesn't think we can afford it. I think I just need to do some convincing and reassuring here.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellasorella · 11/05/2014 15:22

I did think about the part time thing too, and this may be a possibility. He earns slightly more than me at the moment, and this shouldn't (touch wood) change.

OP posts:
TimeForAnotherNameChange · 11/05/2014 15:26

He's stalling. He doesn't want his lifestyle to change, which it will inevitably have to do once a baby comes along. Plenty of people manage having a family on half what you've got coming in.

specialsubject · 11/05/2014 15:28

if you can't afford rent and bills with a cushion of savings in case of job loss, you need to change something so that you can.

BTW he may take care of finances and budgeting, but you need to be equally informed.

Loobyloo893 · 11/05/2014 15:28

Definitely reassure. I imagine it can be pretty stressful for someone to suddenly be responsible for paying for pretty much everything, especially as you say DH is self-employed. The pressure of knowing he has to bring money in not just for himself but for you and (fingers crossed a DC) must be hard to deal with. It must be a scary thought for him.

Itsfab · 11/05/2014 15:30

We have only ever had DH salary as I got pregnant just after finishing my job so I qualified for MA which was £1100 so we have brought up three children on one wage. We go without lots but no one notices or minds as we always did iyswim. No one starves, the kids have extremely good shoes, okay clothes though none fancy and plenty of books with enough toys.

Does he really want children or is he doing what some men do, saying what you want to hear while knowing he doesn't want what you want. It has to be a joint decision. He doesn't get to say something is happening and then shut down any talking.

matildasquared · 11/05/2014 15:31

Two things jump out at me:

  1. £40K is plenty to have a baby, unless you have absolutely unmanageable debts (like about to become insolvent). It sounds like he's got scared, or perhaps just changed his mind.
  1. What on earth is this about?

he is now saying that if we have a baby next year (as planned) and I go on mat leave we won't be able to comfortably afford our rent and bills

You can either afford something or you can't. It's about the numbers, not about what he says.

It sounds like it's time to sit down and go over your income and expenses--with or without children that's a good exercise. I know it sounds dreary but when my husband and I bit the bullet and did it we ended up finding huge areas for improvement, saving a few thou a year. We only have to revisit the budget once a year or so for a few minutes.

RetroHippy · 11/05/2014 15:35

My DH made excuses like that, and I had to wait a year it so longer than I wanted. He felt responsible for the family and was terrified by the thought that his child might go without. Now we are ttc and my hugely irregular cycles have meant that it hasn't happened instantly and we are now approaching our 7th cycle. Any plans about when we wanted the baby to arrive have gone out the window (DH was adamant no Christmas baby, but last month there we were Grin)

I'm guessing from your plans for an autumn baby that you are a teacher? It won't matter, it will fit in with your year however it happens.

If it's any consolation, DH was still doubtful right up until early January as he wasn't sure what his position would be like in his new job, but we accepted that we would manage, and he's actually now doing really well and we both desperately want this where I always thought I would be the driving force.

I'd have a really big chat with him. wouldn't advise wine beforehand though. Work through the finances and work out hypothetically how much you could cut back if needed. Explain that you need to know that December is a possibility so get him to set some concrete stipulations, I.e. What would his business need to turn over in x amount of time for him to say yes? If it makes that much then you go for it and that's that. December is a long way away, a lot can happen.

In the meantime I found exposure to cute little nieces softened his resolve somewhat, and if he's a bit soppy, the film 'About Time' broke him completely!

Good luck, it's awful waiting but you'll get there. I would also recommend coming off the pill a good three months or more before you plan to start trying. Use condoms if he's still determined to wait for a certain date, but it allows your hormones to begin to settle down a bit.

Loobyloo893 · 11/05/2014 15:37

Maybe you could start cutting back in things now to show him that it's possible and comfortable still. That way you show you can do it and you have some savings built up for when baby does arrive.
It sounds like he's a bit scared and needs some proof that it will be ok.

matildasquared · 11/05/2014 15:38

Hang on, just catching up:

You said that you've tried to tell him that your income is enough for a child. Then you also say that "we've worked it out" and "the computer says no."

Which is it?

I'm not being snarky but genuinely confused. It's one thing to have him in charge of the budget, but quite another to just not know what your incomings and outgoings are. Is he just showing you the final sums or are you actually going over the budget together?

Original poster
bellasorella · 11/05/2014 15:49

Sorry to confuse Matilda- HE is saying that we don't have enough. He has talked me through our outgoings and as it stands, it would be tight. In his eyes this means that a baby is a no go as he wants to ensure we can definitely afford it. In my eyes we are spending too much and need to find ways to cut down. He says we have already done this and can't reduce costs further (I don't believe this one, this is down to priorities!).

I think we need to go through budget together again.

RetroHippy- how did you guess? ;) He has been broody since the arrival of his nephew, who he dotes on, so you are right here too!

OP posts:
matildasquared · 11/05/2014 15:59

He's being vague and you're being vague. "It's too tight."/"We need to cut down."

The first question you need to determine is how much a baby will cost. Work out the initial outlay (getting supplies, doing up a nursery) and then work out the monthly expenditure. Of course you won't get an exact figure but do some research and get the best ballpark figure you can.

Then see whether you can cut that specific amount from your existing budget (cut out Sky TV, change energy providers, bike to work, etc.).

If he's saying that he doesn't want to cut one thing from your existing budget, then he's really saying he doesn't want a baby.

KittyVonCatsington · 11/05/2014 16:10

You were me last year, bella and am a teacher too. LO and behold, we come off BC in Nov and start properly trying Dec 13, as per the agreed plan.

Still waiting for that elusive sticky BFP despite shagging every day for 2.5 weeks a month, for 6 months etc. These things don't go accordingly to plan, so maybe a few long sober discussions on timing and finances need to be had, with facts rather than hypotheticals. Easier said than done but Good luck!