Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Upset as DH announced that we won't have enough money after all :(

66 replies

bellasorella · 11/05/2014 14:36

We are supposed to start TTC in December. This has been the plan for a while. We have a combined income of £40k+ before tax but he is self employed with a variable monthly income (so some months will take home lots and others very little). He takes care of most of our finances and budgeting.

I assumed he knew what my mat pay would be, but apparently not. Having found out, he is now saying that if we have a baby next year (as planned) and I go on mat leave we won't be able to comfortably afford our rent and bills.

My argument: Why CAN'T we afford to when lots of couples with less money than us start families all the time and manage. Am wondering if perhaps we just have a different idea of 'living comfortably'.

Who is right here? Does it sounds like our bills must be too high?

Upset as we both really want a baby and, having been together for nearly 10 years and married for three, I really really don't want to wait for another few years :( What a blow.

OP posts:

RetroHippy · 11/05/2014 16:15

Haha! I'd love to have had a September baby when we started. Now I couldn't give a crap if I give birth in the middle of the nativity with ofsted watching, I just want a baby

I don't think he's stalling. He sounds like my DH. He wanted things to be perfect. We've done some serious life shuffling (moved house) and managed to pay off almost all of our debts with the equity, which has made him happier, but we had already started trying before we did that.

We've cancelled sky, not been on holiday for ages, stopped getting weekly takeaways and I've got a full time job instead of working supply. He We accepted that a lot of our 'essentials' were in fact luxuries and there was loads we could do to cut back. But in all honesty, the biggest difference has been from moving. And we've even iodized and have a bigger mortgage, but no loan or credit cards makes it more manageable. You might have to do something drastic to shift a lump sum?

RetroHippy · 11/05/2014 16:16

RetroHippy · 11/05/2014 16:17

iodized?? upsized ffs!

somedizzywhore1804 · 11/05/2014 16:23

Finding out the figures of maternity pay is a shock to a lot of men I think. When I got my salary statement for maternity my DH spent several days behaving like we were going to be out on the streets! However there are ways to manage.... And pregnancy focuses the mind. We do have a slightly higher income than you and your husband, but at 32 weeks pregnant we've managed to save 3k and my husband and I (both teachers) have taken other opportunities to make a bit of cash- him doing exam marking and me some tutoring so by the time the baby comes we will have another 1.5kish to add to that. On top of that my DH decided he may as well go for promotion and got the job, so our income without me working will be higher. There are lots of things you can do. If you sat and did the numbers before then the human race would die out. No one can afford it on paper!

KittyVonCatsington · 11/05/2014 16:38

I also think it is very hard for men to imagine what it will be like with a baby as it isn't on their minds 24/7. Besides, if money is the real issue, saving a 100 odd quid a month until baby arrives (which will be a minimum 18 months) will help plug the MA gap and you could appease him with that

Gemerama · 11/05/2014 16:42

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

Gemerama · 11/05/2014 16:43

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

nickelbabe · 11/05/2014 16:52

I'm sorry, but to me it sounds like the real reason.is that he doesn't want children.

it's not to do with money imo. our dd gas cost us very little. she has been.mostly dressed by handmedowns from other people (I gave bought her clothes because I want to, but sge has always had dar too many)
her car seat and pram were given by my sister (hers had grown out of them and were still current)
we were given a couple of weeks worth of disposable nappies and we were using cloth after, which we got a full 3 days' worth preloved for £25 in first size (next size up has been a mixture of new and preloved and bought slowly), most of her toys are gifts, I breastfed her so no extra outlay in food (we still only buy the same amount of food now she has solids, just seems to be less compost!)

my point is that babies are cheap.
older children are more expensive, but you can save and get handmedowns.

please have a proper talk with him to find out his real reasons. it's the kind of decision.that can strengthennor weaken a relationship so it's important to know how yyou both honestly feel.

Original poster

bellasorella · 11/05/2014 17:02

Thank you everyone :D

Hippy- the image of waters breaking in Nativity with Ofsted viewing made me laugh!!!

I don't think he is stalling for avoidance reasons either. You are right, he just wants it all to be perfect and he wants to be the 'provider'.

Somedizzy- you make a lot of sense. I do think it is possible and DH is working all hours of the day atm to try and save. Maybe we just need a few more good months to convince him that we will be fine financially.

Gemmarama- do you keep these savings separate to other savings? It might be worth me doing this to keep track.

OP posts:

Lanabelle · 11/05/2014 17:02

I'd take a look at the finances yourself and tbh I didn't spend even half what I normally did on maternity leave, wasn't going out much so less car fuel expense, less eating out expense etc etc. A lot changes when you have baby so you often don't feel like doing the things you used to do so you spend less money I found.

nickelbabe · 11/05/2014 17:04

oh, even beds we didn't pay for! we were given a moses basket, but she's co-slept, then we had the oppurtunity to buy a cot bed from a church tabletop sale, but I waited till the end, because it was £15. the couple selling it had decided it wasn't going to sell, as I walked over with my intention, they said it was going to the tip and then ended up giving it to us for nothing (despite my protestations). it did need a new mattress, about £40.

nickelbabe · 11/05/2014 17:06

to keep.your savings separate just open another (joint) account. even if it's with a different bank. you can organise to get your child benefit paid into that too, and any money anyone gives you for the baby you can.put in there.
it makes it easy to keep track and budget :)

Gemerama · 11/05/2014 17:11

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

TheRealMaryMillington · 11/05/2014 17:18

Er well, you can't expect to have the same income when you have a child if one of the two income-earners takes maternity leave for 6-12 months, or if either of you stops working, or goes part-time, or conversely if you need to pay for childcare.

SURELY THIS IS NOT NEWS TO EITHER OF YOU?

RetroHippy · 11/05/2014 17:25

Love all the savers on here. I'm saving too...

£20 a month

If I get pregnant soon I'll have over £200 saved

Gemerama · 11/05/2014 17:26

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

matildasquared · 11/05/2014 17:31

If neither of you is willing to drill down the figures then it sounds like neither of you is ready for a baby right now.

You seem to be playing a game wherein he says, "No, we need more money!" and you say, "Aw but surely we have enough." The data are all there, but you're not willing to do a spreadsheet and work with actual figures, so you just sort of wait.

Which is fine, but don't bring it up as though you wanted financial advice.

Gemerama · 11/05/2014 17:32

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

SofiaAmes · 11/05/2014 17:32

I do not understand why people don't do budgets. Sit down, do a list of all the incomings and all the outgoings. Look at both and figure out what is fixed and what isn't and you will have a number at the end of it. It will then be a choice of whether you wish to give up the things you may have to give up to pay for the things that you can't practically give up. When I had kids, I stopped eating out, going on weekends away and getting luxuries like massages and nails and getting my hair done. If I hadn't given these things up, I wouldn't have been able to pay for decent childcare and nutrition for my children. None of this is a mystery and it shouldn't be a surprise. Especially if your dh has his own business, he should be familiar with doing budgets. And if you are not interested in learning how to do one yourself, then you will have to defer to your dh's assessment that you can't afford kids.

Gemerama · 11/05/2014 17:32

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

hedwiggity · 11/05/2014 17:39

Hey chin up. IF everyone in the entire world waited for kids till bills were paid and they had the perfect income etc we would be extinct by now it sounds like you and OH need to sit down look over your bills and start sorting out what you do and don't need plus having a baby isn't really THAT expensive i plan on doing it for 1K max (and yes that seems huge) but it isnt its for the entire first year and you get a lot given to you when you have a baby too and you can buy 2nd or discounted there are tons of money saving ways to have a baby and best of all the baby won't care if its pushed in a £50 2nd hand buggy or a £800 bugaboo

Original poster

bellasorella · 11/05/2014 17:40

TheReal- obviously not, we are not completely stupid. DH thought mat pay was higher than it is for some reason and I didn't realise this until today.

I just talked to him again. Confirmed that he just wants everything to be perfect and does not want to move. Also confirmed that are bills are as low as they can be and he keeps careful track of our spending. He is working to pay off the rest of our loan before he completes and launches second business which he hopes will be a good earner. He wants to be in a position where we WON'T have significantly less money if I go on maternity leave. He also still hopes that the future will all begin to look brighter by the new year, and if so we can start trying.

Basically, he has a grand plan.

Let's hope it pays off!!!

OP posts:

MrsBlackthorn · 11/05/2014 17:40

There's never going to be a right time, or enough savings. My mat pay and leave is bobbins so we've been saving up a year's salary so I can take time off and still afford the mortgage and all the baby stuff.

Now we actually have saved up that much, I'm also questioning if it's the right time.

Maybe he's not feeling ready. Are you on a deadline, age-wise?

Original poster

bellasorella · 11/05/2014 17:42

We have acres of spreadsheets by the way, DH budgets and tracks our money carefully. I just (naively) didn't really believe that our bills were as high as they are :(

OP posts:

Original poster

bellasorella · 11/05/2014 17:43

We are definitely not on a deadline age wise MrsBlackthorn, we have been together 10 years but only mid-twenties. Just in our prime and very broody?!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3