Worst ever Christmas 'tips'

[Stripeyclock]

I've been reading a few women's/lifestyle magazines and invariably they have features on how to cope with Christmas.

Some of the tips are useful but some are utterly dreadful. I thought we could collect these 'gems' here.

"Save up your old lightbulbs throughout the year to transform into glass baubles come December. Simply cover in glue and then roll in glitter or fake snow. Stick on rhinestones or gems and finish with a pretty string around the top to hang"

Not only is life too short, but I'm pretty sure the cost of glue, glitter, rhinestones and 'pretty' string is more then just buying a flipping glass bauble. Plus I'm not sure how charming the energy saving lightbulbs would look.

On Facebook I'm in a Christmas idea group.
Several members have put up photos of their diy hampers, made from newspaper and loo rolls. They look appalling. Then there's the wreaths made from plastic bag shreads and fireplaces made from stacked boxes. There are a few nice ones, but the majority are hideous.

I'm staying there purely for the funny photos.

Not strictly a tip but quite odd.

Love it!

We have long lasting bulbs
I don't think we changed one this year, so it's a good job I wasn't relying on saving them up and dipping them in glitter

Half cook your turkey on Christmas eve. Finish the next day. Its quite surprising the people who told me this. Although it doesn't seem to have ever harmed them, but its not something I will be trying.

Don't have your own wreath? Then consider stealing someone else's and putting it on your front door. The sheer brass necked-ness of this will gaslight the victim into thinking that noone could have possiblybeen capable of doing such a thing, thus rendering your chances of keeping it 50-50. (Inspired by a thread)

YourKids

Steal holly from your neighbours tightly trimmed bush to make a stunning, christmas centrepiece.
(Also inspired from another thread)

omg I spend too much time on MN - I read BOTH those threads!!

I LOVE this thread, pmsl

I would really like to know the name of that fb group

I don't have any Christmas tips, but when pg with ds I was given an incredibly bizarre booklet of tips offering such gems as;

When you have finished bf, cut your maternity bra in half and make matching hats for you and your dh.

Breat pad fallen out and you have guests? Quickly put your drink on it and just pretend it's a coaster.

not strictly a Christmas tip but.......

Eliminate pesky chip-pan fires by suspending a carrier bag full of water above the hob. Should a chip-pan fire take hold, the bag will melt and in doing so deposit its contents on the pan, thereby extinguishing the fire.

Malice, Glasgow, United Kingdom

Again, not restricted to Christmas, but someone wrote in to a mag to say 'Save plastic bottles when you have drunk their contents to refill for children's lunchboxes'. It'd never occurred to me....

I don't want to piss on your chips ( ) but I thought pouring water on a chip pan fire was very very bad?

I read this one in a magazine...

No slippers? Stick sanitary towels to the soles of your feet.

Genius

Further to my earlier tip.......

Instead of water, the carrier bag should contain a damp tea towel.

Malice, Glasgow Royal Infirmary Burns Unit, United Kingdom

Ha ha ha ha

I saw that Kirstie Alsopppp on the front of the Times at the weekend painting what looked like baby food jars to make decorations.

What a fecking waste of time that looked.

I have a cat for the first Christmas ever, so presumably I won't need to pack away any baubles at all as the cat will have smashed and then ingested them 7 seconds after I put the tree up.
That will save me lots of time if you don't factor in trips to the vet plus surgery to sell one of my kidneys to pay the vets bill.
Apart from that, it's seamless.

More please, more! I love a crap tip.

Here's mine:

"Going to a posh wedding, but no gloves? Crumple up the net bag from some laundry tablets in one fist, and people with think you are carrying your crochet gloves"

whereisegg I thought my family were the only ones who say "piss on your chips". Very appropriate given the tip. Water would cause a fireball in hot oil

Mind you DH has been saying he wanted to try some poncy chutneys instead of Branston Pickle and I saw some today!

They had boxed sets but these seemed to consist of two jars he'd like and one I know would make him heave, eg Beetroot & Garlic or similar.

So I bought three little jars that I think he will like, and intend to find some sort of box to put them in and make them look nice.

You just KNOW, don't you, that it'll look like fifty types of shite and I'll wish I'd never bothered.

You could do that with a satsuma net too, Eilis. In case orange went with your outfit better!

Whereisegg - be careful. Nothing says 'comfy indoor poo patch' to a cat like a Christmas tree pot.

Davros Our family say that too. I think it's in pretty common usage. And yes, it does cause a fireball which was sort of the point of the joke