Concerned about new au pair

[dellacucina]

Au pair 2 just joined our family about a week ago. Some of her behaviour so far gives me a bit of pause and I am wondering whether it is normal or not? (Au pair 1 was amazing and I think maybe this gave me false expectations!)

In one week, she has already stayed out extremely late the day before she had to watch DD in the morning: once it was until 3:30 and another time she told me she was going for a walk around 8 pm and then came home sometime after midnight! It just seems a bit odd and as if she isn't trying to make a good impression.

Some of her other behaviour feels a bit entitled (she had a choice between two rooms but only one was ready the day she arrived - and she insisted on moving into the other one right away; when we were out at an event she texted asking if her friend whom we had never met could come spend the night).

She has been perfectly nice and respectful in person and has not expressed irritation or been sulky when she doesn't get her way.

Here are my questions:

• is this normal/to be expected?
• is there anything we should be doing? I am probably quite permissive/easygoing and it doesn't come naturally to me to assert authority. But should I be doing this in some way?

What are your ground rules about staying out late? I don't have a curfew for my au pair, but if it affected her looking after your daughter the next day then you should address that impact.
Going out for a walk till late wouldn't bother me. Again, does she have a set curfew?
You gave her a choice of rooms, but actually only wanted her to choose the one which was made up already? Well, that's a bit unreasonable. If you gave her a choice, she should have the choice.
I say no overnight visitors in my au pair ground rules, but have sometimes relaxed that later on when we've got to know each other a bit. If you don't have rules about it, and she asked respectfully I'm not sure what the problem is?

Sounds like your house rules are not tight enough.

I had two amazing, responsible and respectful aupairs and thought I was the bees knees at having 'good' aupairs and that my management of them must be awesome and then I had a couple of younger and far less responsible aupairs and found out that I'd just been lucky and wasn't as great as I thought.

You need a set of clear house rules that are written down and that you expect the aupair to abide by. Include in this the times it is acceptable to arrive home - which may be different on working nights to the weekends, guests that can stay, food that may be eaten, use of the car, internet, phones, wifi etc

You also need to clearly outline and again have it written down somewhere exactly what duties are involved on a day to day basis, so that there can be no misunderstandings.

You also need to be able to say no! So, "No, we can't move you into X room today, you'll have to wait until Friday" or whatever. "No, you can't stay out until 3.30pm if you are looking after DC the next day" and so on.

They aren't mind-readers, so you have to be clear about what is ok and what isn't and not just hope that they will 'get it' in some way from breathing in the air in your home!

When he was a newly qualified staff nurse I lived and worked with a woman who could get 3 hours sleep before an early shift, and still do a fantastic job.
Your au pair may be like her. If not introduce a boundary.
Everyone has different normals. So to her impromptu guests may be fine, you need to let her know what’s your normal,
I’m not sure you are as laid back as all that, or these things wouldn’t bother you. Hope you get it all ironed out to your satisfaction .

I did not mean to suggest I am laid back! But I am not a micromanager nor do I feel comfortable imposing rules regarding how someone lives their life unless it directly affects me.

In line with that, we don't have a curfew or anything like that. I am just not sure what is usual (are curfews) nor how much authority most people try to impose over an au pair. I honestly don't really think she was walking for 5 hours. I assume she was on a Tinder date or something.

Margo: thanks. What sorts of rules? Would this be in a handbook or something? (We planned to put something like this together but it has been really difficult to find the time.)

Sorry, posting from my phone and it won't let me put in paragraph breaks. I see you did actually specify the types of rules. It does make me feel a bit uncomfortable to exert too much control over another person. How usual is a curfew? Is the view that imposing order and ground rules is helpful for a girl who is leaving home fo the first time?

I had a curfew of 11pm on week nights. Later than that would wake em up and leave me grumpy for work. Also no houseguests until we knew the au pair and even then I would only be the occasional weekend evening. I had a horribly pushy au pair and it made me miserable fighting with her (not overtly - I mainly smiled and was polite but internally seethed). You don't want to be resentful of someone living in your house.

Yes, a handbook would be good. If you don't have time for a handbook, then a single sheet with house rules and another sheet of key tasks would probably work well. You can always refine when you have more time.

I had weekday curfew of 11pm for mine too. If they had an exceptional event or request, that was fine, but day to day it meant we could lock up the house and all be confident of getting some sleep!

I outlined some of the other things you could include in my earlier post. You could also include use of the clothes washing machine, what meals you expect them to join you for, what you expect them to get themselves. The list can be as long or as short as you want!

I don't think a curfew is reasonable for an adult, but if you feel she is not able to do her duties properly then you need to sit down and have a grown up conversation with her.

The other two issues - I can't really see the problem? How was she to know you weren't really giving her a choice of rooms?
She asked if she could have a friend round - exactly as she should surely?

Orlande:

In terms of the room, it was made clear that she could have her choice of room but only one was ready on that day (due to a family emergency she knew about). It was probably in a sort of passive aggressive English way, but it would have been clear that it was an inconvenience to sort out the second room in this moment.

She waited to ask to bring her friend over in the first week, after we had already gone out for the evening. Surely she could have asked sooner? It just seems a bit entitled.

She is now on holiday with us and has consistently
shown a lack of initiative. It appears she thinks she is another child to be cared for.

By way of example, we bought ingredients for a nice lunch and I cooked it - expensive fresh fish and other nice things. She washed her own plate and did not offer to help with the general washing up. Then she just announced she was going for a swim when she could have offered to help DD get ready

The main issue is that she does nothing, absolutely nothing, without being asked. Our last au pair really took responsibility for helping out and didn't need to be asked to do every. single. thing.

DD also fell when she was in au pair's (private) room and bled all over out of her mouth. She didn't apologise or take any responsibility for the fact that she had been looking after DD at the time this happened. Apparently DD was trying to climb into the bed and tumbled out.

She has had the entire morning to herself every day and we said she would watch DD in the afternoon. She didn't even seem concerned about this prior agreement/discussion when she swanned off to the pool.

I was an au pair for a couple of years for several different families. I can say hand on heart that my best experiences were with families that laid out what they expected. I never had curfew...but it was expected that i wouldn't wake anybody up when i arrived home, would ensure to lock up, let the dog out for a pee (in that house i had my own dog too so made sense). It was also expected i was fit for work; no late night drinking the night before an early start etc. Basically the same as any other job! If it impacted on my work then it was pulled up.

I had 2 families who allowed my then boyfriend to stay over, one family who didn't. This was made clear at the start.

It is horrifying being in someone else's house & knowing they are pissed off with you but not knowing why. Have a frank chat with her, lay out your expectations, discuss any issues.

Thanks, that's helpful. I don't really like being too prescriptive but I think we do need to be.

One thing that is a bit awkward is she is babysitting every night (after DD goes to sleep) and I don't want to ask too much of her - but I have been preparing all the meals, doing all the shopping, and doing most of the daytime baby care. It probably would be reasonable to ask for more help watching DD and with basic household stuff. But how much is too much?

What was the basic agreement when she took on the role? You doing most of the day time care sounds ridiculous tbh unless you have a baby who wakes countless times a night that she has to see to.

I worked with a family where i was 'on call' every night for 3 weeks out of 4 due to their work. So for 4 nights during those weeks i was expected to either be in or close by - and contactable - in case the parent (one worked away) had to disappear with work. I still had to do my day jobs too...but the little boy didn't wake during the night. I just had to be there in case.
If your baby is a multiple waker & au pair does a lot of hands on when sitting at night, that needs to be taken into consideration during the day.

We agreed that on this holiday she would have mornings off and help in the afternoon. She doesn't get up in the night with DD at all.

But again, instead of helping in the afternoon or even asking how she could help, she announced she would go swimming.

What are her normal responsibilities. I’ve learnt that you need to be clear about your expectations. It’s actually fairer on them- they’re not mind readers and if you’re annoyed it will only eat at you

Her normal responsibilities are to do nursery drop off and pick up, then to help in the evening - either cooking, washing up, or watching DD while I do those things. She is also to help keep baby toys tidy etc

So this trip is outside of the normal schedule and I am anxious about asking too much - but she isn't showing much willing iyswim

Then you need to pull her up. If you have specified that she is to mind DD in the afternoon, then she needs to do it. Otherwise you are paying her to do sweet f all. If you don't want to be as blunt as 'you're taking the piss' maybe say to her the evening before 'we'll need your help from X time tomorrow with DD' that way she knows what is what.

Once the holiday period is over i'd sit down & address what you expect tbh. If she knows what her hours were - and mornings off is pretty bloody good - and she is still ignoring it then she is taking the piss imo

Thanks. I do think this is probably right. DH and I have theorised that she is used to having everything done for her and she doesn't get what it means to have responsibilities. It's a bit trying.

Just to vent here as well (rather than at anyone irl) - she also didn't say thank you when taken for lunch yesterday, nor did she after the expensive fish lunch I made today (which was also delicious, if I do say so).

I think the key is to just tell her what is happening and when, as you say Pissedoff. She may even appreciate it given that it is early in the relationship and she is trying to find her place in the family.

It probably doesn't help any that DD's usual current default is 'mummy do it'

OP is she young? And is this her first time as an au pair? I noticed when i worked that a lot of younger au pairs from abroad came over without realising the expectations fully.

Maybe you need to back away a bit & let DD familiarise herself with the au pair? I don't mean that in a horrible way, but i found if mum or dad were around, the kids refused my input. Maybe when she is due to mind DD, make yourself scarce? She might rally more if DD is her sole priority