Concerned about new au pair

[dellacucina]

Au pair 2 just joined our family about a week ago. Some of her behaviour so far gives me a bit of pause and I am wondering whether it is normal or not? (Au pair 1 was amazing and I think maybe this gave me false expectations!)

In one week, she has already stayed out extremely late the day before she had to watch DD in the morning: once it was until 3:30 and another time she told me she was going for a walk around 8 pm and then came home sometime after midnight! It just seems a bit odd and as if she isn't trying to make a good impression.

Some of her other behaviour feels a bit entitled (she had a choice between two rooms but only one was ready the day she arrived - and she insisted on moving into the other one right away; when we were out at an event she texted asking if her friend whom we had never met could come spend the night).

She has been perfectly nice and respectful in person and has not expressed irritation or been sulky when she doesn't get her way.

Here are my questions:

• is this normal/to be expected?
• is there anything we should be doing? I am probably quite permissive/easygoing and it doesn't come naturally to me to assert authority. But should I be doing this in some way?

She is 19 and just left school. She also has lots of expensive electronics etc so seems to have come from quite a privileged position

The issue here is that we are all going to eg the pool together. Yesterday at the beach, we said please watch DD and she kept letting DD jump all over me until DH told her to go to a different part of the beach (for which I felt guilty)

I think (this is from my own experiences) sometimes teens become au pairs because they think it will be easy. I've known a few who didn't even like kids but wanted the perks that went with the job - phone, use of car etc. It can be a shock!

I'm British so not the traditional au pair taking advantage of being in another country for language etc...and i found my families were more able to approach me with niggles than some of my au pair friends. I think through fear of being seen as OTT or similar

Tell her what is expected of her. She's taking the piss and by not pulling her up on it, it'll continue to be like that. When she announced she was going swimming when she was supposed to be minding DD, that was your opportunity to say, "no actually you are in charge of DD this afternoon, as I've already told you."

If she's 19, so young and no family of her own, it's entirely possible that she's never lived on her own, so doesn't realise what things cost/ how much work it takes to run a household/ that you may not want your kids jumping all over you. She probably thinks she is watching DD, but if you didn't want DD jumping on you that you would say so. She may not interpret 'watch DD' to mean 'Dont let DD interact with us because we need a break right now'. Whereas if you had said that (or whatever you specifically needed at the time, I'm not saying you didn't want DD around, it's just an example) then she would have known exactly what to do.

I think you are being unfair to her by not giving her a specific list of duties/instructions on how you want things carried out, and by not setting out the ground rules. You need to do this ASAP, beginning with holiday rules and then when you get home, more formal rules in place. I wouldn't set a curfew, I think it's patronising for an adult, but there's nothing wrong with saying that she needs to be fit to look after DD the next day, or that you lock the house at 12pm so she needs to be home before then.

I think it's unreasonable to give an adult a curfew. If her going out until 3am isn't affecting her work then it shouldn't be an issue.
When you get back from holiday can you not making a weekly planner? When I was an au pair I knew what hours I was working and what was to be expected of me during those hours.
For what au pairs are paid, they shouldn't be doing tonnes of work. Pick ups and drop offs from school/nursery, playing with the kids for an hour or so, maybe making a simple meal in the evening and occasional babysitting. No more than that.
Maybe you could give a simple list each day of what is expected of her. It can be awkward as balls living and working in someone else's house and not knowing if you're crossing boundaries by doing certain things.
You need to give her guidance and once she knows I'm sure everything will ruin smoothly.
Also adults are able to do whatever they want in her free time, so if she says she's going for a walk but she's really going on a date it's no one's business but her.
Good luck OP!

You're being too mimsy and unspecific I think. Sorry!

You say it was hard to find the time to put together ground rules. But you should have done. You'd better do it now.

Yiskasha: I actually already have a weekly planner. Even despite this, she announced she wanted a recent Thursday off when it had been made very explicit repeatedly that this was a day we needed her help. She wasn't arsey about it, but it was a bit annoying to have to feel like I was ruining plans that she had made.

The thing about the date was just weird. The puritanical side of me would rather she not meet up with men (because obviously I want her to be far more responsible and careful than I might have been at her age!), But I realise it's normal and i don't really hold it against her. It's a bit worrisome when someone who is kind of in your care disappears for several hours after suggesting they will be gone for a short time, however. It also seems like a potential warning sign of an unwholesome party girl.

I think for the rest of the holiday we will need to be more clear about expectations. We don't tend to plan holidays too tightly and DH is basically impossible to ever pin down, but it's looking like this will be necessary to ensure things run smoothly and we can get some rest.

She sounds like hard work. I don't think you're being too vague; she's not a child. However she is acting like she has no real responsibilities here. How long has she been with you?

Surly: only about 2 weeks, which is unfortunate. I think it would have been better to have a longer settling in period before the holiday, which didn't work out with schedules.

While i agree that we have been clear enough about things that she should be proactively offering to help wash up (for example), I realise that it will be necessary to provide more guidance to make the relationship work. This is the flip side of having inexpensive child care help from a young person.

I have five au pairs and all of the were completely different. One was totally useless but a lovely girl who didn't cause any trouble other than being useless. She didn't last long. One was a party girl with no initiative but did however respond to being told how to improve. One was the most selfish, sneaky human I've ever encountered and another had an eating disorder and had to go home. My last was terrific and we all miss her very much but love having our home back. It's very much a crazy ride but can be a great experience. It ultimately gave me more than it took away from me but it was hard work. Good luck OP

You need to stop being passive aggressive. A lot of these issues seem to come down to your communication skills/style.

If you want her to wash up, tell her that.
If you want her to take the baby away, tell her. She's 19, she isn't going to be able to guess this stuff!

Hey a very clear schedule written out for when you get home. Have you got a contract with her? We have found it is best to be very specific and get them to sign a contract with it all laid out. It's morphed over the years to include all of the "lessons learned" from the previous au pair (we have just started no 6) / I think some candidates are put off by our level of precision but if so, they weren't a good match for us. It's too late for a contract I guess but I'd definitely type up a schedule and send it to her on email as well as hand her a printed sheet and talk it through - give her the option to ask questions. If she hasn't got any initiative you have to spell things out very clearly.

Don't expect her to volunteer. She has only just finished being a child in her parents' home. Tell her what you need.

I think you need to be a whole lot clearer here OP. At the moment you seem to to have a lot of implicit expectations and then seething that the AP doesn't understand them. You need to be really clear what her hours are and what is and isn't her job. She is not a trained nanny and wont know what you want

She is 19 and has just left school. She won't have much housekeeping initiative. You need to be clear what you want her to do and when. People don't necessarily become AP's because they aim for a career in housekeeping and childcare - most regard it as a paid holiday where they work 4-5 hours per day in return for some pocket money and their board

• even on holiday give her a written list of tasks for her hours - it is difficult for her to know when she is expected to be on duty and what is her own time.
• don't offer alternatives if there is a clear "wrong" answer from your perspective
• if you want her to take the children to give you a break - ask her to take them out. It is often really difficult for professional nannies to have authority with children when the parents are present
• write on the daily list which meals you expect her to clean up after
• clearly state which nights she is on duty and which she is free
• most 19 year olds have no idea about the price of fish - to her it was - just lunch

You need to be much better at communication and not just assume she will know what you are expecting

Thanks, all

I was feeling frustrated earlier but in addition to the comments here I sensed that it may have stressed her out not to have a more clear schedule I have outlined this for her verbally and in a text. Tomorrow I will explicitly say, can you make dinner for DD and clean up, etc. (Best not to overwhelm her with everything today imo)

Best to get things out in the open rather than fester inside. You have to live with them after all and the resentment will just build. Either you will both learn to live with it and work harder to get along or you will call it quits.

I need to have a chat with my au pair tonight. She's 27 & worked for us last year. She's returned as we needed a new au pair and she wasn't able to find a job. She is on her phone ALL DAY LONG. When I'm paying her to be with the kids I want her to focus on the kids, not her phone. Also she shouts A LOT. Especially at DS1 (5). He reacts badly to this and gets more angry in retaliation. She then gets more angry and shouts more.

She's been back with us 2.5 weeks and will be here until June next year so I want to address it as I don't want it to bubble up inside me = especially the shouting at the kids when they are slow to eat breakfast.

My feeling on this is that you may just not be a good fit.

You're going to come to grief if you expect a teenager to "appreciate an expensive fish lunch" (you've mentioned it twice so far). They simply don't care - and tbh it comes across badly, you sound vain and snobbish.

Fish lunch aside, you could have cause for complaint. Seems to me you could either be perfectly clear about expectations, or pay for a trained nanny.

Very many teenagers are completely unused to considering anyone but themselves so if this is her, you're in for a bumpy ride.

Picklepost: DH was really annoyed after the lunch and I posted immediately afterward, so perhaps it appears I am fixated on it. The issue is that we went and bought a very fresh fish which also happened to be expensive and I went to some trouble to make it + accompaniments, which would have been clear to everyone.

To not have a thank you or any concern about helping to wash up when it was within her working time was a bit annoying. Instead she announced that she was going for a swim!

I am fully aware that teenagers are basically children and she is from a place where a lot of fish is eaten, so I understand that she is probably not in a position to appreciate what we considered to be a special lunch. But the combination of everything was frustrating. (And DH was really angry, which increased my irritation over the whole thing).

Roses2: that sounds like a very bad situation. If she was your au pair before and this is a change in her behaviour, i would guess that she is probably depressed or something.

To those who have asked: yes, we do have a contract. It basically covers life when we are not on holiday though! I think our expectations are clearer at home.

It is a little unfortunate that you went on holiday so early when you don't know each other well and before you really found any real routine at home. It is difficult for an AP to judge - especially in relation to the children. Some parents would regard a holiday as their time with the children and would not be happy if the AP stepped in or tried to take the children away whereas other parents are happy for the AP to take the kids off to get a bit of quiet time. She does not know you well so you need to make it clear.

Picklepost: DH was really annoyed after the lunch and I posted immediately afterward, so perhaps it appears I am fixated on it. The issue is that we went and bought a very fresh fish which also happened to be expensive and I went to some trouble to make it + accompaniments, which would have been clear to everyone.
Sorry but you are really showing your inexperience with teenagers who may have limited culinary experience here - it really would not be obvious to a 19 year old.
We eat a lot of fish and have dds aged 19 to 22 - sometimes we eat Alaska Pollock and sometimes I splash out on Sea Bass or Wild Sea Perch - I really doubt whether my DDs could tell you which was which.
If it is going to upset you so much that an AP doesn't rave with thanks when you buy yourselves expensive ingredients - why not leave her to make lunch for the kids while you and DH go out?

I really think this fish thing is getting blown out of proportion. The issue is that she didn't say thank you for this meal or another meal we took her out for, and then she just f*cked off instead of helping to clean up or look after DD. It would have been obvious that I put effort into it because everyone was there while I was preparing the food.

I don't even know if I noticed at the time. DH was really annoyed about it. It is a side point about attitude.

My guess is that she was annoyed we were eating lunch a bit late and she would rather have been by the pool. This goes back to the entitled point I guess? She spent her morning sleeping and going to the gym and wanted to use her designated working time sunning herself.

Update: took au pair to lunch. She was told we were leaving at 1 but wasn't ready. We finally left around 1:07 and DD and DH were waiting for us at the restaurant.

She brought her laptop to take advantage of the WiFi and had it open even when my food came and it was blocking me from eating pleasantly. DH told her in England that's not polite. She has been staring at her phone and laptop since.