Concerned about new au pair

[dellacucina]

Au pair 2 just joined our family about a week ago. Some of her behaviour so far gives me a bit of pause and I am wondering whether it is normal or not? (Au pair 1 was amazing and I think maybe this gave me false expectations!)

In one week, she has already stayed out extremely late the day before she had to watch DD in the morning: once it was until 3:30 and another time she told me she was going for a walk around 8 pm and then came home sometime after midnight! It just seems a bit odd and as if she isn't trying to make a good impression.

Some of her other behaviour feels a bit entitled (she had a choice between two rooms but only one was ready the day she arrived - and she insisted on moving into the other one right away; when we were out at an event she texted asking if her friend whom we had never met could come spend the night).

She has been perfectly nice and respectful in person and has not expressed irritation or been sulky when she doesn't get her way.

Here are my questions:

• is this normal/to be expected?
• is there anything we should be doing? I am probably quite permissive/easygoing and it doesn't come naturally to me to assert authority. But should I be doing this in some way?

She's probably messaging her pals to tell them all what a cushy job she's landed.

She also ordered an extra course (dessert) and everyone had to wait for her to eat it.

dellacucina, she is in 'daughter' mode - not aupair mode! I had this with two of my au pairs who came on holiday. They had never been on holiday as an au pair before, so they slipped into the only role they really knew on holiday, which was daughter. It was a pain in the arse, as instead of having 2 children, I suddenly had 3!

Hopefully, when she returns to the UK, she will revert back to au pair.

Margo: this is exactly how I feel! On the plus side, DH and I have united on this issue (despite some bad relationship problems) and we are working on a strategy. Basically we are going to tell her that she has to take care of all her personal stuff in the morning (ie pre 2 pm) while on this holiday, and no phones allowed while at meals or watching DD

The phone thing is a big no if she is using it whilst caring for the kids. I’m wondering if she isn’t the right fit for you? Sometimes it’s becomes impossible not to see the worst in everything once you’ve noticed these things.
Alternatively, you have to give to the minutiae detail on what’s important to you ie help clearing up (list what that means even if it seems crazy to you), no phone/computer use when with you, help with kids (state times and tasks). It may seem hard to be so presecruptuve but I think they are more settled when they understand expectations. And I’d do it for the whole week- not just one day. This is fairer on her and means you don’t have to feel like you’re constantly directing her

Prescriptive!!

I hope it improves but you really need to be much more prescriptive. Is her English perfect? I think when I first arrived here, if someone had asked me to watch a child, I would have done just that. Watch. Like when you watch TV. Watching without interfering.

If you want her to look after the child, or play or draw, etc, tell her so. Don't use polite eufemisms unless you are sure she understands them.

I think you sound a bit mad OP. You expect your 19 year old au pair who's known your daughter for a week, to look after her right next to where you are sitting, but stop the child from interacting with you?

You need to clearly tell her where she expected to take the child, if you want a break, because there is no way she can stop your child wanting to be with you if you are right there. It's a bit unreasonable to ask her to go to the other end of the beach unless it's just for half an hour or so.

The lunch thing sounds par for the course for a teenager. Some have better manners than others. Specify if you want her to wash up. If she was flouncing about being deliberately rude that's different, but that didn't really come across in your post. The rooms thing sound ridiculous as well. You should have said to her 'this room is available for now, if you want to change we can arrange it next week'.