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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Husband being difficult

67 replies

Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 15:24

I'm due to give birth in 11 days. We have a 6 year old son too. I told my husband I was pregnant and he ignored the topic for two weeks and said his life is ruined. He has been a total nightmare ever since. He is down, i think low in mood - depressed. Today I got him to the GP to discuss. I didn't go in with him however when he came back he said that there is nothing wrong with him and he just needs more time to himself doing hobbies. Currently he wants to work 40-50hours a week, spend Thursday evenings at football, spend Sat morning at football, go to the gym every other day and now go fishing once a month and spend more time alone - according to the GP this is what has been recommended. He also has work meetings in the evening.

I've prepared everything for this baby and i can feel resentment building. I'm an independent capable woman but finding myself vulnerable and abandoned by his behaviour.

OP posts:

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 09/11/2017 15:28

He is lying, beware of ow appearing.

Ttbb · 09/11/2017 15:29

I would call bulshit. Tell him that you will give him thee tea time if he spends it on a therapist's office.,

iklboo · 09/11/2017 15:30

There's more bullshit there than on a dairy farm.

Bella8 · 09/11/2017 15:33

Hi firstly congratulations on your pregnancy and secondly I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. God what are men like! This is the worst time for your husband to be sulking. It sounds like he might not have wanted another child but this is happening, it takes two to tango and he needs to deal with the situation and support you. He's lucky he doesn't have to give birth to the baby, you don't get a choice. I think a little 'me time' is healthy for everybody and this should be something that you get yourself get as well and not just him.

I think before the new baby arrives you need to sit down and discuss this with him and let him know how you are feeling. Sometimes men need things spelt out to them as they just don't get it like we do. Hopefully your husband will be abit more understanding after a sit down talk. He needs to focus all his energy on you, the baby and your other child. Could he maybe cut back on some hours at work?

ElfEars · 09/11/2017 15:34

He's full of shit OP. I'd be insisting on another appointment that I am present at. You and your children deserve better.

Original poster

Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 15:36

I can feel alarm bells ringing but I'm cornered. I've booked two holidays (and paid for them) and he barely showed any interest in them. Last Xmas I took us all to a villa abroad and bought him lots of brilliant gifts I knew he'd like. He got me nothing at all. I feel like my whole life could be ruined I wish there was another woman and then I could see the reason!

OP posts:

Bella8 · 09/11/2017 15:36

Oh and his 'hobbies' will have to stop for now at least during the newborn stage. He can't have it both ways and needs to grow up and prioritise his time and be an adult. Tell him if he needs his hobbies than you need yours and will be unavailable every Sunday and can stay at home with both the children and see how he likes that!

Bella8 · 09/11/2017 15:38

You need to have a serious talk with him before the baby arrives. Does he want to lose you and his children? He needs to grow up.

Original poster

Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 15:39

He was unsure about another child but then agreed to try and I got pregnant straight away. He's self employed and insists that especially now he needs to work more.

I have a good job but have taken a year maternity leave which seems to be pissing him off. He also thinks that people who work part time (to accommodate family) are lazy...
I honestly do not know where my old husband has gone.

OP posts:

TwitterQueen1 · 09/11/2017 15:41

He doesn't want to be married to you OP. Regardless of whether or not this another woman, he has checked out of your marriage and out of any kind of relationship with you.

The fact that he got nothing last Christmas (did you not sit down with him and ask why?), and that he's not interested in the baby should tell you that it's time to call it a day.

Bella8 · 09/11/2017 15:41

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I couldn't stand a man like that. I hope for your baby's sake he mans up to his responsibilities and fast. As for the gift buying some people just aren't thoughtful at all and unfortunately they are selfish and probably won't change. Material things aside, the important thing is that he's a good dad and supports you. Have that talk with him soon as when the baby comes things will only get worse.

greendale17 · 09/11/2017 15:43

He is lying, beware of other woman appearing.

^This I am afraid to say

Original poster

Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 15:43

Thanks Bella8 you are right I need a hobby or a few!! I'll be breastfeeding at first but not sure how long for. I've tried serious talks but he seems to look through me and not really care. I can't remember the last time he gave me a cuddle. Oh and he keeps reminding me how traumatic my last birth was which is not very helpful when I have to do this again so soon!

OP posts:

Original poster

Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 15:46

I think I need to face facts, get my head together, plan the future and carefully consider my options. I need to take it slowly and carefully

OP posts:

Bella8 · 09/11/2017 15:46

It's sounds to me like your a husband could possibly be stressed about the finances. It sounds like he's going into panic mode and working lots. He is resenting you for being on maternity which is wrong. Looking after a baby is a full time job and the sheer physical strain on your body and emotional side with all of the hormones is something men struggle to understand. I think my DH was similar until I had a big talk with him about what I do all day. I also left him with the baby who was going through a very fussy stage on his own and he's never complained since! Also the house was upside down and he hadn't done half of what I do as well as taking care of the baby and he admitted he couldn't be a stay at home dad! Revenge is sweet...

ElephantsandTigers · 09/11/2017 15:47

Are you wanting help to leave him ?

KarenW · 09/11/2017 15:48

well, he really is being supportive of you and the pregnancy, isn't he!! I am with the other posters in that he has checked out of this relationship, how utterly selfish and not what you need or deserve....

Bella8 · 09/11/2017 15:49

He should be giving you more cuddles than ever right now, you are the mother of his child and carrying his baby. I hope when your husband sees his baby for the first time he'll snap out of this sulk he appears to be in. I hope you get your old husband back and I'm so sorry he is selfishly making it all about himself. He wants to be 9 month pregnant then he'd actually have something to complain about.

WhoWants2Know · 09/11/2017 15:50

Oh, that just sucks OP. My ex reacted similarly to my first pregnancy (I think when I suggested trying, he assumed it would take a long time. It didn’t.)

By my second pregnancy he took to his bed. When DD2 was born, his work suddenly became so “busy” that he left early and came home late at night. When his colleagues questioned why he was working so much with a newborn, he said because to avoid hearing the crying.

If your husband is as checked out as mine was, you’ll be better off alone. It’s hard, but it’s better than constantly waiting for help from someone who never comes.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/11/2017 15:53

He got me nothing at all.

Oh OP, that is awful!!! How hurtful! I'm so sorry. What a selfish shit!

And as for the 'GP's recommendations' that is such twaddle.

I hope all goes well with new baby, and I'm sure you will have your hands full as I doubt you'll be getting much help for him. Can you speak to a friend or relative in real life and start planning your exit?

Yes, take it slow and steady, but put yourself and your DC first. Agree he has checked out. What a rotten time to do this to you.

Original poster

Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 15:54

For my maternity leave I've saved up nearly £20k so money isn't a big issue in my opinion but saying that I don't really know the state of his finances business or personal. They're a secret...
I don't want to leave especially when I'm about to give birth but this situation has been going on for so long I can't stand it for much longer... trying to keep strong and capable...

OP posts:

WhoWants2Know · 09/11/2017 15:54

Can you talk about this to your midwife? Especially if you had a traumatic birth last time, she needs to be aware that you aren’t getting support at home. Ideally she will flag it for the health visitor as well. The whole situation increases your risk of PND, so you will need support from wherever you can get it.

Bella8 · 09/11/2017 15:55

Its good that your husband is supporting you financially but the fact that he has checked out emotionally and physically is so wrong. If he doesn't shoulder his responsibilities and change once the baby is born than he ever will and you may as well be a single Mum with him paying child maintenance which is essentially the same thing that is happening now. I really hope it doesn't come to that for you. Once you look into your babies eyes you Mama bear instincts will kick in and you'll do anything you have to for your little cub. You will know what the right decision is. You deserve happiness and if he doesn't make you happy concentrate on your children and creating a life for you and them. One day a man who treats you right may come into your life and in the mean time you may be happier just you and your babies.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 09/11/2017 15:56

Op you sound financially sound which is often the most difficult factor when ltb is decided.
He has I am afraid checked out of your relationship.

Better to know where you stand ASAP then you can concentrate on your dc.

Bella8 · 09/11/2017 15:56

never*

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