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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Husband being difficult

67 replies

Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 15:24

I'm due to give birth in 11 days. We have a 6 year old son too. I told my husband I was pregnant and he ignored the topic for two weeks and said his life is ruined. He has been a total nightmare ever since. He is down, i think low in mood - depressed. Today I got him to the GP to discuss. I didn't go in with him however when he came back he said that there is nothing wrong with him and he just needs more time to himself doing hobbies. Currently he wants to work 40-50hours a week, spend Thursday evenings at football, spend Sat morning at football, go to the gym every other day and now go fishing once a month and spend more time alone - according to the GP this is what has been recommended. He also has work meetings in the evening.

I've prepared everything for this baby and i can feel resentment building. I'm an independent capable woman but finding myself vulnerable and abandoned by his behaviour.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 09/11/2017 15:58

If he's pissed about you taking a year off it's either jealousy or he doesn't want you there all day, every day seeing what he is or isn't doing.

hiyasminitsme · 09/11/2017 15:59

according to the GP this is what has been recommended.

yes that sounds right, I'm a GP and I tell people to be selfish arses all the time Hmm

what may have happened is that the GP had a general chat about getting out of the house, doing exercise etc and your other half has been a bit creative with his interpretation

WhoWants2Know · 09/11/2017 15:59

Who is around to offer you support? Friends, family? It’s not a time to cover for him at your own expense, so don’t keep secrets. Be open, ask for help and tell whoever’s needs to know that he has emotionally checked out. Blame his depression or whatever, but get what support you need for yourself.

Bella8 · 09/11/2017 16:03

I agree with WhoWants2Know. You need support hun, you have to think of yourself and the baby right now.

Original poster
Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 16:05

I have my mum and a close friend who kind of know what's going on. They would support me leaving and have said that but it's hard when you're waddling around trying to be positive. The GP trip did sound a bit bull shitty - I get offended that he thinks I'm that stupid! When I wrote it down on here it sounded ridiculous tbh. Thank you to all the posters on here it's good to get a second opinion. I'm going to inform my midwife I think as it will tip me over the edge once baby is born.

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 09/11/2017 16:05

I'd be giving him an ultimatum. He either bucks his ideas up & starts helping out - you know, with the family he helped create - or he buggars off so that you can do things your way. The hardest thing is having a dead weight around your neck nagging all the time & making you feel crap. So sorry you're going through this, especially so close to giving birth 😔

Original poster
Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 16:07

Thank you I have described him as a dead weight! I feel like he's a big empty cold concrete block if that makes sense....

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 09/11/2017 16:08

His income is a secret? As in, you have no idea what he earns or how his business is doing? What does he say when it comes up in conversation?

Only you understand the dynamic of your relationship and if you can be happy living this way.

Have you asked him how many weeks he is taking off work when the baby his born? Hmm

I'm really sorry you are going through all this. Bear in mind that if he intends to leave you more or less a single mother while he works these long hours and works on his bicep curl at the gym, you could just kick him out and arrange your life properly as a single mother with actual control over your life.

I'd give him a chance to redeem himself when the baby is born, but if you get to 2 months with this kind of carry on, at least you have the savings to take decisive steps.

Dozer · 09/11/2017 16:09

LTB. He has already checked out.

Do you want someone who’a behaved like this during your pregnancy at the birth? I wouldn’t.

Don’t be booking him appointments: if his health is a factor in his shitty treatment of you that’s his responsibility to work on and seek help with.

Original poster
Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 16:15

He won't even have a proper joint account 🙄 Despite tantrums from me, finances are a very foggy affair which he will not reveal in all 9 years of marriage.

TBH it seems so much more appealing if I had control over my future. I can't actually believe he's been like this with me, especially now. It's like he knows I'm vulnerable at the moment so he's taking advantage and I hate how it makes me feel trapped

OP posts:
Bella8 · 09/11/2017 16:19

Poor you, just concentrate on you and your babies. You are stronger than you know and will get through this with support from family and friends. It isn't going to be easy but you'll come out the other end a happier person for it. One day he'll regret it and it'll be too later and all of his fault and you can have the last laugh...

BastardGoDarkly · 09/11/2017 16:21

Who makes someone they love feel shitty and vulnerable? No one.

He doesn't love you sweetheart, I'm sorry, that must be hard to hear, but I'm guessing you haven't felt loved for a long time have you?

You can do this, you can be so much happier than this, you deserve to be.

Flowers
Original poster
Babybooboohead · 09/11/2017 16:29

Touched a nerve there but no not felt loved for a long time in any way.

He has checked out and I'm trying to check him back in. It's not working so far. I try so hard in every aspect to keep all the balls in the air. 😢

OP posts:
rainbowpompom · 09/11/2017 16:30

It does sound like he has checked out OP as per PP have said. What a crock of shit about the doctors. Really? Where do they get it from?

He sounds like really hard work and not much fun to be around. Is it salvageable? is it worth it? Or is this what you want for you and your DC's life?

mustbemad17 · 09/11/2017 16:31

Sadly only he can make that decision to check back in. Put your foot down & tell him what you expect. If he wants x amount of evenings out, then he needs to make sure he has done x y & z before he leaves.

BastardGoDarkly · 09/11/2017 16:32

Oh Baby its fucking shit, but he's got to want it too.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/11/2017 16:36

Look, honestly, sit this prick down, say 'You have made it very obvious you don't want to be married to me, so this marriage is over.'

Yes, his behaviour is poor, but you cannot keep hold of someone who does not want to stay in the marriage, and repeated attempts to 'win them back' are a waste of time and energy. You end up feeling foolish and hurt, and the other person's treatment of you generally gets nastier as a way of demonstrating even more clearly that they do not want you.

Get some legal advice etc, decide whether it's best to leave the current home and take DC with you, or to make him leave. Be careful of any suggestions from him that you both agree the marriage is over but the whole family remains in the same house - some selfish men will do this because they want to carry on having their domestic needs met (ie you cook and clean for him) while shagging as many OW, or OM, or having hobbies, as they like because 'the marriage is over'.

Dozer · 09/11/2017 16:38

So he is possibly financially as well as emotionally abusive.

schoolgaterebel · 09/11/2017 16:40

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds as if he has checked out if your relationship.

If I was you I'd accept that then arrange is not working and start making plans to leave,if you have to plan for a long withdrawal.

Take your years maternity if you can,slowly start getting yourself together financially, try to gather as much information about his finances, get documentation, save some money, see a solicitor to see where you stand.

And then when you are well and ready leave him on your terms.

Kentnurse2015 · 09/11/2017 16:41

Oh goodness, 11 days before baby is due?!! If he showed you nothing last Christmas it does beg the question you would have another baby with this man. Were you willing to go it alone because that's absolutely what you will need to do. Please speak to your midwife. Do you have support nearby? You'll need it x

GabriellaMontez · 09/11/2017 16:43

See a lawyer.

Gather all information about his business, accounts etc that you can. Be as a sneaky as you need to be.

Take photographs of any papers you need to or copies and store them at your Mums.

Don't let him know.

When people are self employed it gives them more flexibility to shaft their wives and children. I personally know 2 women who've had this treatment recently. Apparently its very common.

Good luck.

And sorry you're in such a vulnerable position. It sounds like it can only get better.

ohtheholidays · 09/11/2017 16:46

Please stop doing anything for him,don't pay for anything else for him and if he's not helping with money for the family then just support yourself your DC and your unborn baby anything he needs or wants he can fucking pay for himself!

You sound really lovely and so strong where as he's acting like an entitled teenager.

I've been through a pregnancy on my own(I ended up being a single mum to 4DC including the newborn)and my Brother was my birthing partner and honestly he was amazing,we were already close but it made us even closer and he adores all of my 5DC.

So if you don't want to be with him anymore you don't have to just because your pregnant,start looking into what sort of support you can get financially,emotionally and practically.I know it sounds scarey but it is possible and for me it was the right decision.

I left that awful relationship and focused on myself and my DC and a few years later I met my now DH and we went onto have our DD together.The best decision I ever made was to leave my ex.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and what ever you decide to do Flowers

Katiedidit34 · 09/11/2017 16:49

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP, I am sorry you are in this situation.

See a solicitor to check our your situation, they do initial consultations for free. It will give you an idea of what to do next. Also find out about benefits.

It sounds like you are flogging a dead horse with your DH. He is treating you terribly and you need to think what is best for you and your DC.

Do you have support of friends and family? Can they help out?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/11/2017 16:58

Agree, whatever the outcome and even if he suddenly becomes the man you want him to be after giving birth, you shouldn't be kept in the complete dark about his financial situation - because it's your's too!

As advised above, do some digging and be as sneaky as you need to be (love that!). Get legal advice now (pre-birth) too - will be much more difficult after with a new baby in tow. Oh good luck, please keep us posted. Flowers

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 09/11/2017 16:59

Oh dear OP - what a shitty arse your H is being!

Personally (from experience sadly) I would suspect either an OW, or something else similar that he doesn't want you to know about. Even the alleged advice that he needs to spend more time out of the house goes along with this.

What does he say when you ask where your "hobby" time is?