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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

has anyone had their ex at the birth?

74 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 09/02/2016 19:04

okay this is going to be very strange but need some advice...
my oh walked out for another woman at 32 weeks pregnant and I'm due to go in 3 weeks for a section.
my ex still wants to be at the birth? has anyone had this before?

OP posts:
CinnamonBunYou · 09/02/2016 19:55

I was in the exact same position. Ex walked out when I was 36 weeks pregnant for OW and two weeks later I gave birth.
I still let him be there along with my mum and I was only in labour 2 hours but I was in that much pain with no pain relief and it could have been anyone holding my hand! I literally didn't give a shit that he was there. All I cared about was DD. Not sure how I would feel if I was having a c section though.
Some will say he has a right to be there when his child is born but the birth is about you and what you need, not him. You don't need the extra stress, you need to be calm and relaxed and it's the only time in your life you have every right to be selfish and do what is best for you. If you don't want him there, tough. He will have to lump it and see the baby afterwards. Good luck Flowers

ToadsforJustice · 09/02/2016 21:34

I would tell him to fuck off. He lost his "right" to be there when he left you for the OW. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Don't give him any contact with your child. Let him fight for everything through the courts. Fucker. Make sure the MW knows he is not welcome just in case he tries to muscle in. bitter? me?

Good luck OP Thanks

Junosmum · 09/02/2016 21:58

Depends how you feel about him- it's a magical moment meeting your child for first time, if he, or you can't be pleasant and respectful I wouldn't contemplate it.

kiki22 · 12/02/2016 22:26

I would say no I think it would be awkward and put a downer on the moment. It would be different if you split for other reasons but he's betrayed you when your vulnerable, I think you owe him nothing at this point. Do what you want to do he obviously has.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 12/02/2016 22:31

If u have a section the baby will be handed to dad rather than you - may want to discuss this as part of the birth plan if you decide to go ahead

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/02/2016 10:59

I am still very undecided tbh! he didn't show up to a scan we had on Wednesday there which makes me think he doesn't want to be there.
as for being pleasant I am not allowed to speak to him anything I have I say about our children or house I have to go thru his parents!
I just don't want him throwing it in my face that I didn't allow him to see his daughter come into the world

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/02/2016 11:02

toadsforjustice
I have actually had to go to a lawyer as he won't take our son (2 year old) on his days off as he needs a life. won't tell me what he is working or anything either!
I am very bitter and hurt especially when I seen him and his gf in a restaurant last sat it has made me very bitter!

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/02/2016 11:02

Your body - your baby - he lost his right to see the birth - he is not your keeper!!

Say No!!! It's not a right and it's not his choice anymore

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 13/02/2016 11:10

I do t think that I would have him at the birth. Or, if I did, I would have very clear boundaries

However, the birth certificate is a record of the child's parentage. The baby shouldn't have a certificate recording that the father is unknown when it is quite clear who the father is

If you are unmarried, he will need to accompany you to the registrar which he may not do so that will resolve the issue in any event. Further, even if you don't put him on the very, he can still apply for parental rights so why put yourself through that. In addition it should bexeasiercti obtain child maintenance from the beginning if he's on the cert.

SpearmintLino · 13/02/2016 11:21

Judging from your clarification of the situation, there is no way I would accommodate his desires and let him be there at his whim. How dare he be involved in such an intimate moment of your life and make it stressful and upsetting? He doesn't deserve your courtesy.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/02/2016 14:03

I have just recieved an email from him stating I am not allowed to contact him to avoid conflict instead I must go thru his parents.
I am confused because on one hand he is saying I want to be at the birth and on the other hand he is saying he doesn't want to speak/see me?
I just don't get it.
with the Birth cert he will be on it if h wants to come with me but with the way he is acting right now I imagine he won't.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 13/02/2016 14:10

Don't have him at the birth- it's not a spectator sport.

Plus everything has to be through his parents so...

Sirona · 13/02/2016 14:16

I did. He was about as much use as a chocolate teapot and I pretty much ignored him (my mum was there too) but didn't want to take it away from him. Not sure I would in your position though.

Lj8893 · 13/02/2016 14:20

At first I was going to say it depends how you feel about having him there, but after reading your later posts I am going to say no way should he be there. If all contact has to go through his parents then you don't have to be the one who says no. Just don't tell him when your going in for the section. And make sure the midwives know he is not welcome and you will contact his parents to let him know when your child has been born, in your own time.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/02/2016 14:48

see I never want him to be able to say well you never let me see out daughter being brought into the world :/ as I know this is what he would say and so would his family.
he knows what day I am going into hospital he was there when they booked me in :(
this migh sound naive but in my head I was thinking maybe if he seen his daughter come into the world he would come back to the family I know it's stupid and 99% never gonna happen but when you still love someone so much at this time it should be a happy moment not a sad moment.

OP posts:
starry0ne · 13/02/2016 14:59

Reading your posts no way on earth would I let him be there...

Giving birth is time you need support.. It is about 2 people you and your baby.. Do you really want someone in there who won't even speak to you.

He will not be allowed in unless you authorize it...

You are still trying to make it ok...What is he doing to make it ok? He had an affair while you were pregnant... Moved out and left you while you are vunerable...This doesn't sound the kind of support you need.

Relationships break down.. An ex could work but only when Ex can think about each other... This seems very one sided.

You need to start thinking about yourself and your family..

The reason he doesn't want to talk to you he doesn't want to deal with your anger...Thinks you should just go along on your merry way

Cinnamon2013 · 13/02/2016 15:06

Baby can be handed to you rather than dad after a section. Just ask. (Had one this week).

Cinnamon2013 · 13/02/2016 15:07

But that aside, do what YOU want to do. He's being quite cheeky given the circumstances.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/02/2016 15:14

he hasn't supported me in any way....
when he first left we discussed everything that would be happening over the 6 weeks.
he was supposed to help me move back to my parents, he was supposed to help organize mediation, help get everything ready for baby coming. he was supposed to support me as a friend and help me look after our 2 year old instead he only takes him when he is working so he can have a life! if I ask him to look after him on any other day he tells me he doesn't have to tell me if he is working or not!
it is very one sided I still care and try to encourage contact and things like that where as when he has our son I'm not even allowed to ask if my son is okay!
I have already been told by him and his family that I need to get over the fact he is in a relationship with the ow and it should only be about the kids now I'm afraid I'm finding that bit hard!

OP posts:
Iagreewithmrsdevere · 13/02/2016 15:19

You do not want this childish fuckwit there when you are having any sort of an operation but particularly not when you will have to concentrate on looking after a new baby afterwards. Tell his idiot parents to tell him to fuck off.

SpearmintLino · 13/02/2016 15:20

Do what's right for you. Go and have your section as planned, and make sure the staff are aware that he's not welcome should he turn up. This is about you now, and safeguarding your emotions.

Good luck Thanks

starry0ne · 13/02/2016 15:25

OMG... I would cut contact with the lot of them.. Let him get i touch with you if they want anything..

6 weeks towards the end of your pregnacy and you need to get over it... You need to get very angry and fight for everything you can for you and your children...He will only provide the bear minimum when he isn't busy throwing himself at OW and dancing to her tune..

Do you have RL support from anyone other than him or his family...Turn to them for help not them.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/02/2016 15:52

I have just been to see a lawyer as he threw in my face that he was paying the mortgage and council tax for the house me and he kids where living in, but I had not taken a penny off him for maintenance or for anything that our children need. even when he does have our son I have to provide him with nappies and wipes and things he will need for him!
but he can't have a life because he is spending his money on the house (not the 400 boots he bought her for valentines day!)
I have my family they have been very good! good enough I have moved back to my parents whilst I have baby and stuff.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 13/02/2016 16:04

It's takes more to being a father than seeing your child come into the world, especially when he can't be bothered about seeing the child he already has.
And that is what I would be saying to him and anyone else who said anything about him not being there.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/02/2016 16:45

see I never want him to be able to say well you never let me see out daughter being brought into the world :/

So what if he says that?

Look, try and change the date of the c-section.

Don't have him there. If he queries it say, 'I'm so sorry, I got an email from you saying that we have no contact except through your parents, so..." .or "the hospital wouldn't allow your parents there so you couldn't come. (You arse)".

Keep that email. (dont reply) It is all evidence that he is a cunt.