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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

has anyone had their ex at the birth?

74 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 09/02/2016 19:04

okay this is going to be very strange but need some advice...
my oh walked out for another woman at 32 weeks pregnant and I'm due to go in 3 weeks for a section.
my ex still wants to be at the birth? has anyone had this before?

OP posts:
OhShutUpThomas · 13/02/2016 16:50

Good God no.

5madthings · 13/02/2016 16:58

Nobody has any rights to be at the birth, not even the father.

The single most important thing is that the woman having the baby feels calm, comfortable and supported. So choose the person who can do that. If he won't even let you talk to him then it's not going to be him. Being a birth partner is about supporting the woman having the baby, it doesn't sound like he will do that.

Who makes you feel safe and secure? Your mum, a sister? A best friend? That's what you need, someone who is there for YOU.

It's not about you not letting him see the birth it's him not being able to support you when you need it the most, so it's his own fault he doesn't get to be there.

Good luck xxx

Noneedforasitter · 13/02/2016 17:06

Any father must surely have a right to see the newborn baby immediately after the birth.

But that is not to say he has any right to be at the birth itself: that must be the right of the mother to decide, especially (but not only) when she is no longer with the father.

I think the presumption that the father should be at the birth has gone too far, to the point where doesn't allow the mother a say in the matter (particularly when they are still together).

Unnerved · 13/02/2016 17:07

I've read afew of your posts OP. As harsh as it is you got to let go. Hes an arse and hes not interested no matter what you do you can't change him. You need people around you thats going to support and care about you during birth not some cheating scumbag. If hes that bothered about being there he can wait outside.

PeppasNanna · 13/02/2016 17:12

I don't think a father has the right to be present for his childs birth.
He has the right to see the child after the birth.

Op you need to put yourself first. Make plans so you are supported in labour & whilst giving birth.

Good luck.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/02/2016 17:15

Any father must surely have a right to see the newborn baby immediately after the birth.

like rapist murders child molesters cheating scumbag husbands?

starry0ne · 13/02/2016 17:26

I would not give a hoot about his rights... He has none by the way... A child has a right to a relationship with the father...

This "man" is doing nothing to support mum... Not interested in his 2 year old as he is busy with OW...

Put him out of your head and get on with what you need.

5madthings · 13/02/2016 17:28

Obviously a father should see his child once it's born, but he has no right to do so at the hospital where op will be a patient. The only people allowed to visit a mother and newborn in hospital are those the mother wants.

Obviously some sort of contact arrangements will have to be made once the baby is born, given this man sees little of the toddler they already have you would assume he nay take the same attitude with the baby.

Contact with a very young baby will depend on factors such as bfeeding etc, I think the recommended route is little and often and staying close to the mum if she is bfeeding but the father coming round as often as possible, this would require a good Co parenting Relationship though, which it doesn't sound like there is here at the moment.

But hopefully they will be able to work something out.

VulcanWoman · 13/02/2016 17:43

Let him, it might make him realise what's important in life, but then again.....

starry0ne · 13/02/2016 17:45

I suspect OW will not want Ex to see OP alone... So be interesting how he is going to deal with that.

OhShutUpThomas · 13/02/2016 17:52

Any father must surely have a right to see the newborn baby immediately after the birth.

Nope.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 13/02/2016 17:53

I would not have him at the birth.

Quite apart from his behaviour, if you or DD are unwell and you are unable to decide which treatment you require, the decision will be your ex's. Given his behaviour I would not trust him to make any decisions which are vital to you or DD. He has already shown you how caring he is by leaving you for ow and not bothering to see his son.

I would go in for your c section on it's booked date, take someone you trust as a birth partner. Tell the MW's no one else is to be allowed in, and you can relax and bond with your DD.

After you have left hospital, text PIL to tell them DD has been born, and he can arrange a visit if he wants to. At that point you can discuss him being on the birth certificate, as you will have had time to think about it. I believe you can add him on later, so if you have any doubt about giving him parental responsibility, you do not need to add him when you register the birth.

I can't imagine how you must feel, but I would not let him act as he has and then dare to accuse you of preventing him from being at the birth. He is the one who left you and the children; he doesn't deserve to see dd's birth as he left her before she was even here.

He doesn't get to come back for the good bits.

numberseventeen · 13/02/2016 18:02

Do not have him at birth. Don't attempt anymore communication with him or his parents. Overall STOP worrying about what other people think. His family don't get a say, full stop.
Go to a solicitor to discuss contact and go as no contact as possible going forward

You don't need a man like this in your life. He sounds awful!

Concentrate on you, your children and your family. He can get to the back of the queue for consideration. I know it's not easy but I promise that there will come a time when you wonder why you gave a shit

Good luck and stay strong

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/02/2016 19:21

well I am breastfeeding so before he got in a relationship with the ow, I had said that when baby comes I would take baby and son over to his parents (I would feel more comfortable there as my family hate him and don't want him near right now) for a few days and that would allow him to spend as much time as possible with baby as I will need to rest anyway and also allows our son time to bond with baby and daddy together too.
at the time he said it was inappropriate I had no idea why but now the ow is out of the bag I understand why he said it would be inappropriate.
I don't know how he plans on having contact with our daughter when he can't come into our house on his own! he has to have one of his parents or sister with him!
I have went to the solicitor and she is asking for his 8 week rota and he will have to take his son on those days and if he doesn't want to have him then that's his choice but I am stopping this whole having him on the days he is working because it's unfair on our son. btw he only works 3-4 days a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/02/2016 19:23

I also have said his 2 weeks paternity leave he can come see his kids as often as he wants I will never stop that but he has to man up and accept that I will be there also!

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 13/02/2016 19:31

In the nicest possible way hurt woman up. Why would you care if he says you didn't let him see his daughter come into the world? Seriously, why would that bother you in the slightest? Why would you care what anyone thinks of that?

He's an absolute tossrag. Ignore him, do what is right for you and your kids.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/02/2016 19:52

It's not your job to organise him, or arrange anything - that's up to him as a grown man to keep in touch with his kids - you are not his mother - stop speaking to his parents or him let them run around after you!!! They are in the wrong.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 13/02/2016 21:28

everyone is probably going to go omg you are a mug!
but I keep thinking that if he is there for the birth and I'm the way I will be after it with our son there too he will be like aw I've made a mistake and come back to us!
I am still 100% in love with him and would have him back to our family in a second!
I have told him I will not be going thru his parents and he still hasn't said wether he is picking our son up tomorrow!

OP posts:
OhShutUpThomas · 13/02/2016 21:42

THAT is why you want him there.

Think carefully.

He will not come back to you. He has made his decision and moved on. Its shit but it's not your fault.

But if you have him there, it will firstly; all be about him, and how what you're doing/saying will look to him, and secondly; you will feel bloody awful when you've had him there seeing you in all manner of undignified situations and he STILL goes back to her an hour or two later.

BECAUSE HE WILL.

Please don't do this. You will really regret it and it will not make him come back. And even if it did - why do you want him!?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you when you're pregnant OP. But you need to move on - this man is not worth your time.

Flowers
guineapig1 · 13/02/2016 22:13

In the nicest possible way your hormones will be all over the place now and for a good few weeks post birth. You need to concentrate on you, your ds and the baby. Please don't feel you need to allow him at the birth in hope of a reconciliation. You would be far better having your mum/sister/friend there to support you instead and then make calm rational decisions about the future and things like contact with the children/sorting out money once the baby has arrived and things have settled down.

I generally feel quite strongly that dad's should be at the birth but he sounds quite manipulative and you are understandable quite emotionally vulnerable,e at the moment.

Good luck whatever you decide

flanjabelle · 13/02/2016 22:30

I hope none of this comes out harshly as I feel awful for you, but you can't carry on like this op. Don't do the pick me dance, because he really is no prize. A man who would cheat and abandon you when heavily pregnant is not worth it. You need to be strong now, you deserve so so much better than this.

Can you imagine how painful it will be for him to be there at the birth, then go back to the ow? Wouldn't it be better to have the baby surrounded by your family who want to support you? Rather than a man who wants to be there because he thinks it's his right, but has shown clearly that he doesn't care about you.

Op, I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you need to snap out of it now. Stop letting this man make you so weak. Find some inner strength and show how capable you are without him. You can do this. Being alone is better by far than being with a cheating lying scumbag who would throw you under a bus like this.

He's a cunt. Get angry and break the hold he has over you.

JizzyStradlin · 14/02/2016 10:15

Not what you asked OP, but do make sure you ignore any comments saying the BC is a record of the child's parentage so they have the right to have the father in there. That's a very stupid way to look at it. The birth certificate also confers parental responsibility, and if he does want to be on it (you can't force him) you'll need to think very carefully about whether you want to allow this, because it gives him immense potential to cause hassle if he wants to. If you don't permit him to be on the BC, he'd have all the faff of paying a fee to make an application to court, then turning up for a hearing. Since he can't even be arsed to see his existing child on his days off, it's by no means certain that he'll manage to do this. Ultimately, you need to act in the best interests of your child and so it's important that you understand the BC decision is about infinitely, infinitely more than a 'record'- indeed this shouldn't even factor into the decision. The question will be whether you think it's a good idea to hand over PR to someone who can't be trusted to act in the child's best interests.

ticklepicklepockle · 14/02/2016 10:27

You're using the children as an excuse for YOU to see him, he sounds like an awful man and they are probably better off without him. As are you. Woman up and tell him to shove it.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 14/02/2016 16:49

hey everyone well today he was supposed to pick our son up and 45 mins later still no show. so emailed him (as I am not allowed to contact him otherwise) he was waiting for his dad to wake up so he could come with him to collect our son as back up! but before this he had asked if I would walk to the shopping centre about a mile away to give my son over to him. then I said well I would need to walk back on my own and at 37 weeks pregnant I didn't think that was safe. so he said that I was stopping my son having a relationship with his dad.
I think he has made it very clear that he isn't bothered about our daughter or else why would he ask me to do that? he can see our daughter when she is born but when I go in to the section I don't think I will be having him there.

OP posts:
1fedupmama · 14/02/2016 16:56

Hiya with both my kids their dads were at the birth & I wasn't with either of them. First one was very awkward as in all honesty he was a one night stand that went a bit wrong, he sat in the corner on his phone the whole time & did nothing.
2nd time round, since I had been with 'daddy' for over 2 years before I fell pregnant & we split it didn't feel as awkward, he was very supportive, he did anything & everything to help & even tho I hate his guts now & also did then (split on very bad terms) I'm still very glad & thankful that he was there for me on that day. His face was a total picture when he set eyes on his son for the first time & im so glad I could give him that moment cause I known it's something he can treasure forever. So really is whatever makes it feel comfortable, if I could go back to birth 1, I would tell him to bolt & not bother to come until baby was born, but birth 2, I wouldn't change a thing.