Advice for dads - Do's and Don'ts During Labour!

[JamesRourke]

From your personal experience, what's the best advice for a soon-to-be Dad to help his wife during labour? What to say, things to do, or of course, what NOT to say or do!

To help during your wife's labour - listen to her VERY carefully, talk quietly and not at all during contractions, offer to rub her back, shoulders, neck feet, hands etc to make her feel better. Think of something you both enjoy doing together and incorporate it into the time spent in the labour suite. Make sure you know what she has packed in her hospital bag and EXACTLY where it is! Make sure you take plenty of food and not leave her when she is in such a vunerable state.

Do tell you love her and let her know that this is the last hurdle before finally meeting baby and how all the hard work has paid off.

And most importantly, after the baby is born, how proud of her you are. Good luck!

I think you will hear a lot of contradictory opinions because each labour is different, and people don't know how they will feel until they are in the situation.
Personally I went very internalised, kept my eyes closed almost the whole way through until pushing. Husband's job which was hugely appreciated was to tell me (using a phone app) when my next contraction was about to kick off, and then when it would be ending soon. I had no sense of time and this helped me cope (just used a TENS plus lots of bellowing).
He also gave me tons of positive encouragement during pushing, which was welcome as it was SUCH hard work.
But... all this might not be to your wife's taste when the time comes!

Just support her as much as possible in whatever way she needs, but be prepared to be flexible, and to have her back in case of unexpected medical situations.

And step up afterwards with the baby care as much as possible, she might be feeling pretty beaten up even if it all went very smoothly.

Most important thing is to listen to your partner as 1 min a massage might be perfect & the next she might want her own space. Make sure you know the birth plan so you intercept unimportant questions as they arise so your partner can stay in the zone. Definitely don't leave unless completely unavoidable. & if she asks you to read research before please do so. & if she says it's time to fill the birthing pool up listen to her as she probably knows that she's ready! Also be ready to take photos of the baby straight away. If she doesn't like them afterwards you can always delete them but you never get a 2nd chance to capture those 1st few precious moment's again.

Don't pop up out to top up the meter halfnway through

Don't ask her questions during contractions. Especially when she's just asked you to talk to distract Her

Don't complain that you're bored.

DH is lovely but fortunately for our couple I didn't need a cheerleader with me

Be quiet. Don't complain about ANYTHING. Don't fall asleep. Know what's in her bag and be prepared to get something out immediately. Remember that she is a goddess.

Dont even look bored. Never mind complain about it.

Or tired. Yawning? No no.

Dont complain about how uncomfortable the hospital chairs/floors etc are.

She's probably lost all concept of time. So even though you've all been doing the same thing for hours with seemingly no end in sight, you need to stay as upbeat and encouraging as you were for the first contractions!

Try not to fall asleep.

Believe her when she says she's going to be sick due to gas and air. My dh and a midwife got caught out with that one

Don't crack jokes with the midwife during your wife's contractions

Don't get disgustingly smelly beef soup from the hospital vending machine and waft it under your wife's nose while you're drinking it

And don't complain that your wife is hurting your hand when she's squeezing it

Don't nip off for a nap mid-afternoon when your wife has been awake and in labour since 2am, but she didn't wake you until 6. Or give your best mate an update on dilation and contraction duration halfway through.

Actually, DH was great, but I've talked to him this time around about being more of an advocate for me, and to make sure the questions we'd previously discussed were asked - ie that we didn't just passively go along with what the midwife said, even if I was clearly unhappy about it. I needed someone to keep badgering the midwives about why they were doing things/making certain choices when my questions (in between contractions etc) were brushed aside. I needed to feel he was completely on my side, whereas occasionally he felt his role was more one of go-between.

Don't feel bad if you find it difficult. It isn't easy to see the one you love most of all in pain.

Eat snacks regularly to keep your strength up, but don't eat in front of your wife.

Resign yourself to the fact that you will, frequently, be wrong. No matter what you do.

DH was amazing during both my labours, I really couldn't have asked for a better support.

But. Labour 1: there was the gas and air incident. Me: take it away, take it away, you idiot why did you take it away I want it now
Labour 2: lovely midwife put a cold cloth on my forehead. It was bliss. I asked DH to keep refreshing it for me. He. Could. Not. Get. It. Cold. Enough.

Poor man

Don't wander off to buy cheesy wotsits from the vending machine (particularly when your wife is nil by mouth) but if you do then definitely DO check the number on door before you walk back into the room.

Do not!
-ever say "but the book/nct/app says"

• complain. You may be hungry/uncomfortable/tired but it is Not About You

-push ideas you discussed beforehand. I know you talked about essential oils and massage but if she says to shut up and sit in the corner you do! -eat smelly food. Or at all in the room if she doesn't want you to.

• freak out at the forceps/emergency section scalpel/epidural needle

-fiddle with your phone.

Make sure you know your stuff about all things labour and birth related. It really helps to have some knowledge of pain relief options, possible interventions etc so that you can reassure your wife and help with any decisions she needs to make there and then, particularly if she's a bit out of it or struggling to think straight! The last thing she wants is to be explaining things to you!

Make sure she as is comfortable as you can make her (fed, watered, not too hot or cold etc.) but try not to pester with too many "are you ok?" type questions which can be annoying. It's a delicate balance which I'm not sure many men ever get right!

And finally, help her have a shower afterwards if she wants you too, even if you're dazed, confused and shattered (yes I'm looking at you dh! )

Do

-tell her she is amazing and how proud you are (especially if she is being wheeled to surgery)
-listen to her
-act as her advocate

Don't ask "are you ok?" After every single contraction. No I'm not bloody ok it flipping hurts!

Also don't keep phoning you family and talking about the doctor doing "inspections".

DO pack the hospital bag for her so that when she asks you for a lucozade / hair tie / pair of socks you know where to find everything.

DO be present with her and be responsive to what she needs.

DON'T tell her that she is unreasonable to ask the midwife wtf they are doing up there if they take a full minute to complete an internal examination after confidently exclaiming that labouring wife is fully dilated after 20 seconds.

Don't whinge about being bored/tired/hungry

Don't whinge that your hand hurts when she's squeezing it

Don't ever ever try to take the gas & air away when that's all the pain relief she has and there's a 10lb baby coming out of her! Even if the midwife does suggest she breathes through the contraction on fresh air bitter

Do listen to her

Do catch her of she tries to throw herself off the bed

Do tell her she is amazing

When she tells you it is time to go to the hospital don't then jump in the shower and wash your hair (my Mum), then dry hair, get dressed and put make up on.

Don't ask her an opinion on your outfit and then look surprised when she tells you mid contraction to change into something sensible, and that smart shoes, trousers and shirt are not suitable for a labour and potential water birth! (DH) and don't then ask your contracting wife to move out of the way of the mirror so that you can do your hair...

I didn't want to be touched during contractions, I didn't care what music was playing, or the colour lighting. DH made me drink lucozade sport throughout, which prevented the midwife putting me on a drip due to being sick. He kept my hair out of my face, he told me I could do it, and he helped me focus when pushing and kept me quiet. He had confidence in me :)

Agree with a previous poster that you'll do the wrong thing no matter what.

But here are my highlights :

1. Don't say "it's probably just Braxted Hicks" when she tells you she's having contractions just because Manchester United are playing in the Champions League Final.

1. When you do set off for hospital and the contractions are 3 minutes apart, don't come off at the bypass at the wrong junction and get lost.

1. And finally when the baby is here, and the midwife gets your wife some tea and toast which she asks you to put on the side because she's still feeling a bit queasy, but then asks for it 20mins later when she's feeling better, don't say "I've eaten it, I was hungry"

Damn auto correct! Braxton Hicks!