Advice for dads - Do's and Don'ts During Labour!

[JamesRourke]

From your personal experience, what's the best advice for a soon-to-be Dad to help his wife during labour? What to say, things to do, or of course, what NOT to say or do!

Don't say "I'm so tired - I've been on my feet all night" the morning after the all-night labour. It doesn't go down well (ExDH).

Don't stumble like a fool and accidentally pull the thingy in your partner's hand that's administering the drug for the induction out of her hand (DH).

Don't hum the theme tune from Casualty or make Casualty related jokes.
'Where's Duffy?' really isn't funny.

DO brush your teeth before you go to the hospital. Or you might get a "get out my face, your breath stinks" comment whilst the gas and air is being used. and the midwife might not do so well to disguise her laughter

This is absolutely fantastic, thank you so much! We've just completed NCT which is all well and good, but nothing like no hold barred honest opinion! Keep em coming if you think of anything else, I'm all ears!

If possible, save some holiday so yoi can book time off for the 8 week, 12 week and 16 week jabs. I went to all three on my own.and it was hard seeing my DD cry like that.

Practise with the car seat beforehand, for fuck's sake.
Because your wife/partner will not be impressed if you reveal that you've never even tried it out and then ask her for a hand, while she's staggering from a forceps birth, still so drugged up she can barely function, and holding a teeny newborn in her arms....

Oh, I agree about the car seat, aaahhhh.

Become a mind reader if not just listen carefully

Mandy, when I had DS3 10 days ago the midwife made tea and toast for two after, thus avoiding that issue! She was a star in general though, so unlike many of the horror stories you hear. DH never complained about me pulling his hair (it's long) while I was pushing the baby out, I kind of recall doing it but it was more of an instinct than a conscious choice if that makes sense.

Shut up.

And don't crash the car on the way to the hospital.

Car seat, nappies, formula (even if planning to BF) - read the instructions beforehand! Size 1 nappies are best for newborns but work out in advance which local shop sells size zero just in case the baby turns out tiny and you have to dash to the shops (which can happen even if the midwife tells you it's going to be big!!)

Take her seriously and don't underestimate how frightening it can be for some people even if from your perspective everything is going to plan. Remember the midwives are busy so if your partner wants drugs you may have to get quite insistent if they're fobbing you off.

Don't say the baby looks ugly (DF is responsible for that one!)

Don't say "I wish I could give birth" (that one was DH...)

And pack lots of food! Still haven't forgiven DH for insisting on sharing my post-birth sandwich!!

Unless you're using it to time contractions, don't get your phone out at any time.
Don't tell her to calm down /not make so much noise /stop complaining/think positive: those things are all your job.
Do shower her with kisses and tell her how fabulous she is once the baby is born.
If the baby is taken away straight after the birth (cesarean for example) don't disappear for long - take some pictures and go straight back to her to keep her updated.

Am surprised by a lot of these; I actually sent my DH off to get some food/have a sleep when I'd been in labour for 14 hours and nothing looked like happening soon...no point both of us being hungry and tired! Plus all I was doing was groaning and sucking on gas and air. Even the midwife monitoring the baby's heartbeat was dozing off! Really didn't need DH there to hold my hand the whole time. So my advice would be that if it's a long labour, send them off for food and a rest. They'll be much more useful in the coming (sleepless) days as a result! I certainly didn't expect him to sit by my bedside telling me how wonderful I am!

Packergator. I agree with you. There is no point in two people having to suffer. I think it can be really hard for men as they are expected to behave in the 'perfect' way when they might be feeling extremely stressed and anxious themselves . My DH found out DCs births more stressful than I did - although I, undoubtedly, found them more painful.
I think you should not overthink it and should go with the flow a bit. Personally I don't think I would have liked it if my DH was fussing about me.
I overheard one prospective Dad exclaiming 'good job' every few minutes to his wife while she gave birth - I'd have socked him. They were American but still

I have another - When its all over and done with don't look at the clock and ask if you can leave yet because you're tired.

There is nobody in the world more tired than her right now.

Find out about hospital parking in advance. If you need coins, get a stash. If you need a permit once your partner is checked in, ask your partner when it's OK to go out it in the car (and ensure you havethe £20 for it).
If there is no space in the entire hospital car park, be willing to leave the car half on some grass verge pushing into rose bushes. The car park attendant came to complain, got "My Wife Is In Labour!" "Seriously?" "Seriously." "OK."

Talk through your wife's feelings about different interventions beforehand, then just try to be calm and quiet and do as asked.

And keep your phone on silent and don't answer it if anything else is happening - eg if you change out of scrubs after a theatre delivery, don't start talking to your in-laws as you walk back into recovery, just in case scary stuff is happening. My dad shouldn't need to know that I know phrases like "shut the fuck up!"

ThatsDisappointing You are SO right about the unrealistic expectations of the fathers during labour/birth! I had an induction, long labour and eventual forceps delivery...it wasn't at all horrendous from my POV, I was numb from the tits down thanks to the blessed epidural (they thought they may have to operate so they topped it up nicely before starting), in fact it was ME laughing and joking- yes, 'Casualty' was mentioned- in the theatre! My husband on the other hand HATED it. He hated every second. Hated seeing me in pain. Hated the uncertainty when things weren't going to plan. Hated seeing anaesthetists/doctors sticking things in me. There's no way that he'd ever describe it as the 'best day of his life' and look back at it with misty eyes. Don't get me wrong, now our son is here (and well past that hellish first couple of weeks! ) he's absolutely in love with him and thinks he's the best thing in the world. But at the time I didn't expect anything from him as I fully appreciated that the experience would potentially be just as upsetting and traumatic for him as for me. Some men can actually experience post-traumatic stress following difficult births which is why I think it's important that they don't try and 'man up' and, like you said, go with the flow.

Best thing my dh did was to give me water in a sports bottle between contractions and between pushes as I was desperate for water! The sports bottle made it easier to drink from.

I had one of my DC on my hands and knees and the nurse suggested that my DH have a close up look. I am not the least bit shy or inhibited but was happy that my DH declined the offer.

Likewise my DH didn't want to cut the cord. I'm sure it's a symbolic meaningful event for some but it seems silly to do it just because it's the expected thing.

I guess it would be a good idea to have a chat with your DW about things like that beforehand.

Don't try and cuddle your partner during a contraction.

Don't get offended if you do the above and she tells you to 'get the fuck off me'

The MW has better things to do than reassure you your partner doesn't mean what she said.

Am surprised by a lot of these; I actually sent my DH off to get some food/have a sleep when I'd been in labour for 14 hours and nothing looked like happening soon...

I do agree with that. I had a long labour and sent DH off to the corner for a nap with no. 1.

However, there is a difference between deciding you are hungry and announcing you are off to find a sandwich at a time your partner really needs you, and going because it's been suggested, or because she's happy for you to do so.

Sure, fathers still get hungry/tired/whatever. But the point is that it isn't about you. You take your cue from your wife. If the only way she is coping is by staring into your eyes for each contraction then, you know what, waiting two hours for a sandwich won't kill a healthy grown man.

Ive told mine to not whisper platitutdes to me - i.e. I am so proud of you/you are amazing etc. Will smack him if he says these things.

I am a very internalised kind of person when I am concentrating. i'd like himt o follow instructions and largely shut up.

Tbh, for me, nothing. Not nothing will help but just do nothing. Don't say anything unless I ask you, don't touch me unless I tell you.

Basically sit and do and say nothing unless I ask you to!

I'm usually really lovely (honestly) but when I'm in labour I really go in on myself and don't want to think about anything.

My first labour all I wanted was to be on my hands and knees and for DH to bring me water, which he did for 10 hours and no one thought to get the poor man a chair!

Second labour (bit different as it wasn't a love birth so I was on morphine) all I wanted was a hand to hold and for him to tell me EXACTLY how many mins had passed since the last time I asked (I suffered real lapse of time and I hates not being in control). The only time he was excused from time keeping was when he was sorting the details for our daughters naming and service with the Chaplin.

I guess the moral is every woman is different.

That should be not a live birth

Excellent suggestions so far!

Have a bottle of water with a straw, so she doesn't have to work for a drink. Sports bottles are okay, but a straw takes so much less effort.

Don't have smelly food.

If you help her to the loo mid-labour, reassure her that someone else can deal with all the blood on the floor/toilet. If DH had not stopped me I would have been in the loo for my whole labour trying to clean up after myself.

Be calm. Even if she is frightened, or the midwives suddenly get all super busy and intense, or you are very scared yourself, remain outwardly calm. An air of confidence that all will be well and your wife can cope is great.

Make sure you know where the baby's clothes/nappies etc are, because it will likely be you doing the first one(s).

Take a clean T-shirt and underwear so you have the option to get changed after the birth and be a bit more comfortable.

I hope your wife has a straightforward birth and congratulations to you both :)