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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

still breastfeeding and still no sex drive

56 replies

worrymummy · 31/07/2009 09:58

hello...my ds2 is 19 months, I'm still feeding him but have no or very very occasional interest in sex.
Dh did pressurise me early on I felt to get back in the saddle (as it were) and I definitely felt resentful about that as I was completely exhausted.
Now I don't feel so tired, sleep is better but I just don't have the urge at all.
It's becoming a major problem and I feel I should stop bf in case that is what is causing this (although it may just have gone now I'm nearly 40!). Also not sure how to stop, it's going to be hard, I only do morning and night but he doesn't have any other milk.
Any advice welcome - thankyou!

OP posts:
WoTmania · 31/07/2009 10:12

There is a book called 'mothering your nursing toddler'(LLL publication)
It has a section called 'husbanding you nursing wife' (or something along those lines). One of the general points is that if you help out round the house a little (i.e make her life a little easier) and 'woo' your wife again and are vaguely romantic she will probably reciprocate by being a little more up for it and amorous. It's not just your responsibilty you know, you've had a baby. Your DH can be proactive too (apologies to him if he already is) in a sensitive way.
I think the Bf and sex drive thing depends on the person really too.

Jennylee · 31/07/2009 12:25

lots of threads on other forums say it does affect it, as the hormones can surpress yuor libido. I think it is the bf in some people as I am the same and its just not how I am normally.

Original poster
worrymummy · 31/07/2009 14:47

I am sure the bf has something to do with it as that part of me seems to have completely gone to sleep...meanwhile dh is keener than ever! I just know I am going to feel terrible saying no to ds2 and also feel he isn't getting what he needs in terms of immunity etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
worrymummy · 31/07/2009 14:48

has anyone tried any good supplements or super foods that worked for general health when bf?

OP posts:
cartoonkate · 31/07/2009 18:22

I found that if I made myself get round to it, and used lots of lube, then once we got started, I really enjoyed it! The urge might not be there to begin with, but once you get it on, you'll remember what you're missing.

ChairmumMiaow · 31/07/2009 18:29

DS is 18 months and I have very little interest. However, as kate says it is better once you get started. When I can bring myself to stop thinking about the fact that I could be sleeping or having a long bath, I do enjoy myself and it definitely makes DH much much happier!

Original poster
worrymummy · 31/07/2009 20:40

I have tried...a lot....still no joy..as amy whinehouse sings...dh wants me to enjoy it too!
Just had a quick look at the extended bf posts, he and family have NOT been supportive and think its weird and crazy.
I am in two minds, happy to do it for him as I did not manage for ds1. Only night and morning - not in public as have to get both out and too embarrassing - but also think I might feel a bit better in self if I stopped and also not sure when is the right time to stop?

OP posts:
WoTmania · 31/07/2009 21:14

Maybe try reading that book I mentioned? It might help you work it out in your own mind. 19 minths is a long time and a lot more than most babies get.
Hope you manage to sort it out in a way that is good for you Dh and DC.

Original poster
worrymummy · 05/08/2009 22:22

thank you to all who posted - will try that book...(he is quite helpful around house in his defence..)

OP posts:
hairymelons · 06/08/2009 15:02

You don't have to stop bfing to get your mojo back.
I know hormones have an influence on sex drive but have a think about what else might be lowering your libido.
General fatigue, life stress, upbringing, relationship difficulties and things like self-esteem etc. all have a masive influence on whether or not you feel up for it.
You could try writing a list of possible reasons why you've lost interest- you may discover that BFing is only one of many reasons, in which case there are other things you can tackle first. Or you may discover that it is the only contributing factor and that you want to stop anyway.
Have you considered speaking to your GP? Some PCTs offer relationship counselling on the NHS.

Sullwah · 06/08/2009 15:17

I had no libido when I was expressing for my twins (couldn't bf in normal way - so expressed for 3 months).

TBH one of the reasons I gave up was my lack of libido. After being practically bed bound for the last 3 months of my pg, I just wanted my body back and to reclaim my sex life.

I know that this is not going to be a popular post with most people on the board - but its an honest description of my experiences.

MrsBadger · 06/08/2009 15:27

I hadn't realised how much I was at the mercy of my hormones
When I stopped bf to ttc (was not happening at all) I found myself positively leaping on DH in the three days before ovulation, without doing any counting at all.

There was a very good article linked to on here (from the DM, sorry) about women who seem to lose their libidos and what to do about it
[rummgaes]
here it is

MrsTittleMouse · 06/08/2009 15:44

Wow, I never thought that I'd find a Daily Mail article so interesting or sensible!

I personally found that breastfeeding didn't reduce my libido - it was the complete exhaustion that did it. It sounds as though you have tried getting enough sleep and just giving it a go to get back in the habit. If they didn't work then maybe it's a case of waiting until you finish breastfeeding, or finishing earlier than you would have otherwise.

marenmj · 06/08/2009 15:52

I agree that exhaustion plays a big part. If DH wants sex has been told he has to request it before ten PM. Sidling up to me at midnight as I fall into bed exhausted? SO not happening.

The other thing for me is the actual amount of work my boobs are doing creates a pavlovian association that makes touching, particularly my breasts, feel weird. My husband didn't get it until I explained it thus: imagine you have a baby, and utterly ANTI-sexual person, holding on to and squeezing your penis several times a day, every day. Are you going to be turned on when your wife comes along and cops a feel or is it going to be weird?

Mamulik · 06/08/2009 16:21

Never give up BF because of your DH or SEX, your baby is more important. I was BF my DD2 until 6 monts and I wish now I should did it longer.

MrsBadger · 06/08/2009 16:38

19m is a different kettle of fish from 6m though Mamulik

MrsTittleMouse · 06/08/2009 16:56

For me the first 6 months were sacred, but I have to say that I don't think that breastfeeding should outweigh everything else in your life.

I breastfed DD1 for 10 months and I'm still feeding DD2 who is also 10 months. Hopefully I will be able to carry on with her for a while longer. I love being able to breastfeed and count myself lucky that I had babies who didn't struggle to feed and that I didn't get stupid advice from HCPs.

My marriage is also important though. I stopped feeding DD1 as breastfeeding was impairing the healing of my poor broken fanjo. Not being able to have sex was making me very depressed. I don't think of sex or my DH as bad or stupid reasons to stop.

If DH was nagging me for sex or hassling me to stop breastfeeding that would be different, of course.

zoejeanne · 06/08/2009 17:00

I've wondered about this too - DD is 7 months and I'm still feeding her 4 times a day (ish). DH and I have tried to have sex a few times, but failed as I just can't get into it, and I do think its related to BF. Previously my boobs were always pretty central to getting in the mood, for both DH and me, but now he's banned from touching them because they are just touched out at the end of the day. I am slowly reducing the number of feeds DD has from me and starting to introduce a bottle, so I hope (and DH really hopes) that my libido comes back.

Can't offer any advice worrymummy, but I'm pleased to know that I'm not the only one who's been thinking about this

moaningminniewhingesagain · 06/08/2009 17:06

'If DH wants sex has been told he has to request it before ten PM' marenmj it's a similar story here! DH thinks I'm nuts when I say 'Are we having a shag tonight?' at 9pm, but tbh if I am going to have a shower, get DS settled for the night, and generally be willing, I need notice!

And getting in from work at gone midnight then trying to wake me up for some...Reminds me of those cheesy signs we used to have in our local takeaway that said something along the lines of please do not ask for credit because a smack in the mouth often offends.

I also feel funny about him touching my breasts as I'm still feeding DS, partly paranoid they will squirt milk everywhere - bothers me much more than DH. I don't mind sex, as such, I'd just rather have the extra fifteen minutes hour's sleep

NigellaTufnel · 06/08/2009 17:31

It was a bit like a magic switch for me - stopped bf at 8 months, and libido came back with a bang. It was both emotional and physiological for me.

I am a slave to my hormones.

Please don't worry. You will have years of lovely sex before you. If you continue bfeeding for a bit longer, it's only, say two years out of your whole sex life.

Dophus · 06/08/2009 17:57

My libido returned as soon as I stopped bf. Absolutely no interest (and dry and unpleasant). It was nothing (for me) to do with my breasts itself - just no libido.

I was really pleased to have it back!

determination · 06/08/2009 18:01

I had absolutely no sex drive what so ever until my period returned at 20months! even then it is very occasional that i do want to 'get at it!'

determination · 06/08/2009 18:01

meant to say that i bfed for 25 months

WoTmania · 06/08/2009 18:31

I didn't mean he should do more round the house necessarily. More that he should do more romancing and courting (although stuff round the house is always a good thing) iyswim

MummyDragon · 06/08/2009 18:35

Or - it may not be the bfeeding that's suppressing your libido; it could be the fact that you've just been through 9 months of pregnancy, childbirth and 19 months of parenting a baby/toddler - exhausting!!!!!!

I didn't bfeed and my libido was definitely suppressed. How we managed to conceive DC2 is beyond me!

Libido came back when DC2 was about 22 months old (coincided with a holiday abroad last year actually!). Before that - I would have slapped DH rather than have sex with him, if I could have got away with it. Everything's fine now

Talk to your DH about it. Explain to him what pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and parenting are like, and that you are normal to feel like this. Ask him not to pressure you. Reassure him that you still love him. Ask for his help if you need it - e.g. housework, pampering you, etc. Your libido will return in time, don't worry.