still breastfeeding and still no sex drive

[worrymummy]

hello...my ds2 is 19 months, I'm still feeding him but have no or very very occasional interest in sex.
Dh did pressurise me early on I felt to get back in the saddle (as it were) and I definitely felt resentful about that as I was completely exhausted.
Now I don't feel so tired, sleep is better but I just don't have the urge at all.
It's becoming a major problem and I feel I should stop bf in case that is what is causing this (although it may just have gone now I'm nearly 40!). Also not sure how to stop, it's going to be hard, I only do morning and night but he doesn't have any other milk.
Any advice welcome - thankyou!

[curiositykilled]

Can I risk being lynched by disagreeing with abetadad?

The male perspective was a very helpful thing to have but - 'However promise that you will give him pleasure and physical release in a way that you feel comfortable with at least once a week. That is less than most men would ideally like but better than nothing at all. Tell him what you want in return - even if it is just a massage or a cuddle.'

a. there's not too much incentive to do it then if it is unsatisfactory.
b. the thought that my husband would expect this when I was having a libido issue (for any reason) would frighten me!
c. This would make me feel like a sex-worker.
d. I'm pretty confident that after having a baby and when feeling a bit sexless the very last thing a woman would want to do is pleasure someone else, basically not getting anything from it herself and it being just another task she has to carry out. I can't imagine why a man would even want that from their wife (can see why they might pay for it from a prostitute).

Sex should only happen when both partners want it surely?! I just can't understand the 'it is a wife's duty to sexually pleasure their husband' or 'the man's right to orgasm' attitudes. This is just a different kind of pressurising and is not really the same as having good communication, compromise and closeness in a marital relationship. Both men and women can go years without sex and retain a loving and intimate relationship. IMO a loving husband who enjoyed sex with his wife wouldn't go around demanding or even asking for 'physical release' which is apparently unsatisfactory but will do cos it shows she's making an effort!

If you want a 'physical release' do it your bloody self!

[ABetaDad]

curiositykilled - fair enough. I should have added (as I usually do on these threads) no one has to have sex. If as the OP seems to want to deal with the problem then my suggestion is a way to try.

Incidentally, what I described above is what I did for DW when I had a low libido due to illness. Low libido is an awful situation for both people in a relationship. however, wanting to do something about the problem and maintaning the relationship while seeking a solution is something the person with low libido has to decide for themselves. It is not obligatory.

[sleeplessinstretford]

abso-fucking-lutely curiosity!
i don't 'get' when sex became a duty?
if you are tired then fair enough but do YOU not enjoy it? It's not like it's doing the ironing-it's supposed to a fun thing to do with the person you love.
I am agog at these people who really can't be arsed to have sex with their husbands-and while running the risk of being burned at the virtual stake here-if you avoid intimacy/making love with your husband and blame the kids tiring you out/breastfeeding/co-sleepin etc etc is it any bloody reason that these husbands do very little to help you out? If you martyr yourself and your marriage then you aren't really being fair on anyone?
cue loads of women becoming IRATE on tnhis thread saying that their husband sees them as more than a sexual plaything/has respect for their minds and mothering skills etc etc

[curiositykilled]

I really disagree that low libido is an 'awful thing', treating low libido as an 'awful thing' in a relationship is ridiculous because everybody's libido naturally changes during the course of a relationship. Libido is generally highest for both in the beginning of a relationship, it is normal for libido to be lower for the woman and man after having a baby and libido is quite often higher for a woman as she ages and lower for a man as he ages (different although often not separated from erectile dysfunction issues). Making it into a big issue in a relationship is what causes damage.

I think the problem with the OP in this situation is that the pressurising in the beginning has undermined the natural progression of things. Sexual acts of any kind are not fun when they are planned, demanded, expected or scheduled.

If you know your partner is desperate for sex and you have said to them you're not ready then you have to make sex into a big decision which has to be scheduled at the 'right' time. This can make you really stressed if you're the one who feels they have sole responsibility for deciding when that right time is and probably means you wait longer before having sex than you would have done if you'd been able to let things progress naturally.

Most wives will be aware their husbands would like sex without being told and most wives would like to have sex too. They are just often very tired and unconfident about their bodies after having a baby.

[marenmj]

ok, I'll put my hand up and say I gave DH 'release' (ugh, what an awful way to put it) while I wasn't up for penetrative sex. I did sort of at the weekly schedule concept, but I can see where abetadad is coming from because in the earlier days things that weren't scheduled tended to fall by the wayside. I'm not sure a schedule is the answer to that but that doesn't mean it won't work for someone else.

From my perspective it was enjoyable to see my husband and sexual partner enjoy himself and to be part of his sexual experience, even if I wasn't particularly aroused myself. It was also a feedback cycle for my self confidence. It really really helped me to know that he still found me sexy and knowing that he found me sexy helped me feel sexier and act sexier, which in turn etc etc. It doesn't have to mean some act of 'wifely duty' or that the experience is totally un-enjoyable for the one not actually getting their rocks off. Sex doesn't have to be a race to orgasm - it can also be something I am giving to my dear, loving husband and father of my baby because he enjoys it and I enjoy that he enjoys it iykwim.

To me saying that we should only have sexual intimacy if we are both 100% gung-ho about it is like saying that a massage can only happen if we're both getting one. True, most times he rubs my shoulders and I rub his, but I also rub his shoulders when he's had a hard day, not because I expect him to rub mine, but because he's my husband and partner and I love him. Of course he doesn't NEED sex or he'll die, but it's something he really wants and it will help HIM relax and cope with having a small baby - just as much as him taking baby while I have a hot bath and a glass of wine might be my saving grace. Why on earth would I say, "sorry honey, I know I could help you with this, but I just don't feel like it" just because it's sexual? I just can't see a relationship where I can say I need more from him on the baby/household front without being willing to give a little too.

Obviously this works for us because he never pressures me for it. If I was being pressured I can definitely see where it would feel like a 'duty'. I would rather have an intimate experience with my husband that was a little one-sided for a while then just tell him to jack off and get it over with.

[ABetaDad]

marenmj - a very good post. I agree with every word. That is what I did for DW when I was ill and exactly how I felt even when I could not enjoy myself as much. I certainly did not feel like a sex worker - that really is an awful way to put it. Giving her pleasure gave me pleasure. She did the same for me after child birth and also when she was going through chemotherapy. Of course neither of us ever pressures the other. It is what loving couples do.

It is perhaps worth remembering that finding an hour each week (scheduled or not) to do something wholly or partly for the other person in a relationship is still less than 1% of the 168 hours in the week but means a huge amount more than that.

Sorry about the word 'release'. I have only ever seen it used on MN so I thought it was an MN word.