still breastfeeding and still no sex drive

[worrymummy]

hello...my ds2 is 19 months, I'm still feeding him but have no or very very occasional interest in sex.
Dh did pressurise me early on I felt to get back in the saddle (as it were) and I definitely felt resentful about that as I was completely exhausted.
Now I don't feel so tired, sleep is better but I just don't have the urge at all.
It's becoming a major problem and I feel I should stop bf in case that is what is causing this (although it may just have gone now I'm nearly 40!). Also not sure how to stop, it's going to be hard, I only do morning and night but he doesn't have any other milk.
Any advice welcome - thankyou!

[traceface]

I'm BF and am not really up for sex at the moment! We've managed about 3 times in nearly 8 months but I just can't relax into it. It's a bit uncomfortable and I'd frankly rather be asleep - so you're not alone in the low libido thing....but...I get the impression the issue is more to do with you wanting to stop BF. You mentioned a few times about feeling better in yourself if you stopped, and about not feeling comfortable BF in public. Are you hoping the libido thing is linked because then you'd have a 'reason' to give up BF? You have fed for bloomin' ages and have done a marvellous job - and if you want to stop, you can! You don't need a reason or excuse or permission. I might be totally barking up the wrong tree here, so feel free to ignore me!

[GwarchodwrPlant]

I don't think breastfeeding is the culprit here and shouldn't be blamed, at least not entirely, for a loss of libido.

I think a loss of libido is natural after having a baby as your focus shifts from yourselves to nurturing your infant. Plus you are so much more tired. You cannot underestimate fatigue on libido.

I truly believe most women have a lowish libido (compared to men) and it's only in the first flushes of love that it is high. After having a baby, it naturally reverts to its previous level + exhaustion, which leaves our partners wondering where the hell it went.

So I wouldn't blame breastfeeding as much as we do.

[deaddei]

If I never had sex again, I would not care two hoots.
From being a rampant 80s chick- all shoulder pads, stockings and red lippy, I have gone to a woman whose idea of a good night is being tucked up with a good book by 9pm.
I dread the warning signs..."just going to have a bath", lots of talc all over the bathroom floor, and extra flossing. Maybe it's hormones- but that's the way it is.

[GreenMonkies]

Better to say "no" to DH than to say "no" to DS!!!

Firstly, sex is not vital for a relationship to function, it's nice, yes, but not vital.

Secondly, I don't think bf itself is responsible for loss of libido. Sleep deprivation is far from an aphrodisiac, and the kind of long term exhaustion that comes from 19 months of intense parenting is not going to go away over night. There is some evidence that shows that bf can impact on your hormone levels, some women do say they need lubricant when they are bf, but none of it is proven, and tiredness can impact on this response too.

Finally, I also "suffered" from a Boob-identity crisis after I'd had DD1. I have always had big boobs, and they had always been pretty central to my sexual self-image. Suddenly my boobs were a feeding tool and I was a bit unsure about it all. I didn't like them being fondled, as someone else has said, by the end of the day my boobs are a bit touched out, so the last thing I want is someone else tweaking my nipples!! The thing that has worked for me is foxy undies. These were a challenge in it's self as finding 32F sexy bras has not always been easy, but now you can get some nice stuff from La Senza and Ultimo amongst others. Put on a nice bra, and keep it on. Your DH can still enjoy your cleavage, but you won't be swatting his hands off your nipples, and you'll feel sexy, because your boobs aren't bouncing about leaking!

But don't feel you have got to be having lots of sex, and don't blame your lack of libido on two breastfeeds a day! Your DH needs to try to understand that you are tired, it's a basic fact, not an excuse, and he needs to show his love and support for you by not pressuring you into getting jiggy. Have a few lie-ins, a nice soak in the bath, some time to yourself, if you feel rested and unpressured you are more likely to feel amorous, even if you have to psych yourself up to it to get started, you'll find you do get into it.

And by pressure I don't just mean pressure from DH, I also mean the pressure that comes from being on-call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Being the centre of the universe for a toddler is very hard work, be you SAHM or WOHM, you are still a mum every second of every minute of every day, and this can be very draining. I found once I had a couple of chats with DP and explained that sometimes I felt like I was spending my whole life meeting everyones needs he managed to see it a bit clearer from my point of view. And once the pressure was eased I felt more inclined.

Being a mother changes you in so many ways, physically, emotionally, hormonally. I think we are misled by "society" into thinking that we will pop out our babies and within 6 weeks be breastfeeding, working, cooking gourmet meals and ravishing our DP/H's like wanton teenagers again, and the reality is very different!

But 2 feeds a day are highly unlikely to be having that much on an impact on your hormones, so may be look at ways to help you get some "you time" so you can rest up and relax, share the parenting a bit more, that kind of thing.

Good luck!

[GreenMonkies]

And 33k;

"Re. stopping bf, I fed am and pm in private, like you to 22 months and was kind of forced to stop then as dc2 was due 2 months later."

Why did having another baby due force you to stop? I fed DD1 all the way through my pregnancy with DD2, and then in tandem since DD2 was born.

[georgimama]

I'm afraid I completely disagree, I think that for the majority of couples sex is essential for a good relationship. An entirely mutual decision that sex isn't important is different, but to say the husband should just put up with it isn't good enough. Both parties need to work on it if things have gone stale in that department.

[oneopinionatedmother]

um, it's just one of those hormonal rollercoaster things that goes with pg/bf/ having kids.

very randy whilst pg with Ds
not randy at all since.

I like BF so much though, the lack of sex really doesn't bother me.It'll only get me PG again!

though 18mo - weeel stop if you want to. Or try sleeping during the day so you go to bed better rested. that's what got me pg with DS...

[ILovePudding]

I stopped bf at 19mo because of allergy issues with dd. At the time she was having a morning and evening feed like your ds.

I'd also all but lost my libido, and thought I might regain it when I stopped bf. Nope!

I would go and talk to your gp (something I admit I haven't done), I believe there is help available for hormone imbalances. A referral to a naturopath may help.

WRT how to stop bf, I would start by dropping the feed that you think ds is least attached to (prob the morning feed). DH would give DD her milk away from me. When she had got used to this we tackled the night feed, and handled it in much the same way. Once she was used to it I was able give her milk again.

I wont lie, it was hard and very distressing for us both when she would try and bf and I had to say no. It took about a week for her to get over the morning feed, and maybe a couple of weeks with the evening feed.

For me there was the incentive of health issues for dd to stop bf. But you may need to be prepared to be quite determined and resolute if you want stop. Hopefully your ds isn't as stubborn as my dd though .

You mentioned that your ds doesn't have any other milk - is this because he doesn't like it or is intolerant? He's a bit young for soy milk still, but have you tried rice or oat milks that are fortified with calcium? DD has this due to dairy intolerance and loves it.

I've waffled on, but in short, stop bf if you're ready to, but don't do it in expectation of regaining libido. Tackle it as a separate issue.

I don't know any mums who haven't lost their libido to some degree, so you're certainly not alone.

It will get better. I'm currently pg with dc2, and it wasn't an immaculate conception

[yummyspottyblueberry]

Quite embarassed to admit this as know several people on here in RL but.... I have bf for 28 mths and can quite honestly say I have 0 sex drive. TTC for DS2 during this time so had to (god what a chore!) and now I've experienced a VB (DS1 CS - DS2 VBAC) I can honestly say I could do without completely until; we ttc #3 and then, if successfull, never again

I'm lucky as DH has never instigated or forced the issue when pg as we had several mc's and were advised not to. BUT we were not always like this and eventually I suspect he would like us to return to rabbits how we were and I'm alrady formulating excuses!

[GYo]

Quite normal i rhink there isn't much about feeding a baby that makes me want to do it with my dh. Love breastfeeding but for Me it crosses a weird line

Doesn't help that Dh doesn't find me attractive anymore or at least while I'm feedsing our child. Hardly a fire starter. I find the whole thing v depressing

Do what us right for you.

[FedUpWithRainyDevon]

I agree with Georgiemama, think that sex and intimacy are totally important in a successful relationship. For me, after DS1 I found it very hard to feel sexual again - I felt like a totally different person from the one who was chidless before. I felt guilty that he was in the next room, I hated my body, just generally felt it took me away from sleep. In the end we had a great conversation where I told DH that if I felt pressured, I clammed up (literally, sorry if TMI) and didn't enjoy anything. We agreed a few weeks of massages, snogs, bought a new sexy nightie that didn't feel tight like all my pre-baby underwear, had a few long baths while DH looked after DS, and gradually I started to respond to the massages by wanting to take it further. We put the control in my hands and DH was brilliant about it all. Just remember to communicate because blame and guilt are not aphrodisiacs at all. x

[GreenMonkies]

Intimacy and sex are two different things. A good man, who loves and understands you will listen when you explain how you feel, and if you tell him you still love him, and explain that it's not that you don't fancy him, but that you don't have a sex drive (and the two are different!) he should understand. There are other ways to release any pent up emotion and urges, you can have a cuddle and a kiss and if need be provide him with (TMI ALERT) "hand relief" etc. He still feels loved, isn't frustrated and you haven't had to fake it. If he can reciprocate with a massage or foot rub (my DP does a lovely hand massage/manicure!) or just sit on the sofa with you holding you without you feeling like he's "after something" you'll both feel happier.

Sex is just one part of a relationship, and when you make the switch from being a couple to being parents everything changes. I do think the biggest change is for women. Our bodies change, even if you don't bf, your boobs are different, and things sag and jiggle that didn't before, stretch marks, stitches, sore or leaky nipples, how can anyone expect to get back into it like you did before you got pregnant.

Intimacy is important, but don't confuse sex and intimacy, the two are different. Communication is the key here, you need to talk, he needs to understand how you feel and he needs to know that you still love him. And a shag is NOT the only way to show someone you care!!!

[MoriyaSensei]

I've been breastfeeding for 24 months nearly now, and my libido is back when needed!

I, as one mum put it, 'clammed up' for over a year, and then, suddenly I was ok again. I did go to the doctor and she thought she'd found something wrong, but the specialist explained that what she'd seen was nothing to worry about (cells from the cervix had spread to elsewhere, or something complicated like that!).

I think it was mainly exhaustion that was to blame. My libido came back long before my periods, so that wasn't it either (I had two whole years without a period!)... and I'm still breastfeeding, so that's not it!

Most mums seem to be in the same situation, and if we weren't living in such an over-sexualised society, maybe we could all accept it better!

Jenny

[curiositykilled]

Not sure it has anything to do with age or BF. Sex should be natural because you both feel like doing it, surely? His pressurising in the beginning has probably just caused you to start over thinking things. The longer it goes on when both of you think it's an issue the harder it's going to be to get back to normal where things just progress naturally.

I'm not sure what I'd do but it'd probably involve talking to DH.

[marenmj]

definitely TALK to DH. Pressure will only make you dread it.

Also: "I think we are misled by "society" into thinking that we will pop out our babies and within 6 weeks be breastfeeding, working, cooking gourmet meals and ravishing our DP/H's like wanton teenagers again, and the reality is very different!"

Lucky! At six weeks (vag birth with a 2nd degree tear, nothing exotic) I was still walking funny! It wasn't until at least five months that I didn't have some pain and it still feels tight seven months on.

I suspect there's also that my body doesn't feel like mine... it doesn't wear the same clothes, even if it could fit them they aren't practical mummy-wear, it doesn't look the same in the mirror, and all around doesn't feel like ME.

It's probably also a confidence thing. The part of me that was sexy and interesting has been shelved while I handle feeds and nappies. I'm sure it will come back sooner or later.

Finally, I agree that sex is a great big important part of a married relationship, even if it isn't thrice-daily, hanging from the chandeliers sex. DH has been wonderful (he loves my 'mummy' body, he never pressures me, he takes baby off my hands for a while every evening, etc) but it has helped him a lot to know that de-sexualized me is a temporary state.

[CarrieBo]

Pregnancy and bf totally shot my libido to piecies, but like someone else has said, once I stopped bf it was like I had the previous 2 years to make up for! I also hated having my breasts touched coz I would have mortified if they'd leaked, even though dh wouldn't have cared a jot.

I think physical intimacy is very important in a relationship, but so is the ability to commuicate about it. Dh and I discussed the fact that we thought sex was important, but that I was more than just 'not in the mood' due to my hormones, but I accepted that he was still a red blooded male. So sometimes we did it for his sake, and other times didn't do it, for my sake. And other only one of us got the pleasure iykwim

When you're pregnant you and the baby are as intimate as its possible to be, the process of parenting is bringing the new little person up to become fully independant of you, and weaning is one part of that. Whereas marriage is the process of two totally independant people coming together as a couple to increasingly grow in intimacy over the years. There was a thread on here some time ago by a woman who admitted to continue feeding her toddler (who was giving signs of wanting to wean) deliberately so she didn't have to face up to her intimacy issues with her dh, and that saddened me greatly.

[oneopinionatedmother]

i might add that possibly one of the least sexy thoughts possible is 'i weaned my baby for this??

[ABetaDad]

georgimama/FedUp - I agree with you. It is just not realistic to expect your DH/DP to be happy with no sex for 18 months and frankly it is unfair to expect him to go from having a lot of sex during TTC and also perhaps the pregnancy to nothing for 18 months after the birth.

I still remember very well the first time DW and me had sex after DS1. It was initiated by DW, she was tired but I had been helping out as much as I could. It was probably 8 weeks after the birth and I am in no doubt that she would have been happy not to bother but it meant an awul lot to me at a time when I felt very unsure about how our relationship had changed. I think I cried afterwards and felt very much in love.

My advice if your libido has collapsed is to first of all talk to DH/DP and tell him exactly how you feel. Do not ignore the issue or just hope he wil not ask for sex. Ask him to help you with the baby so you do not feel so tired. Even if he is being incredibly considerate and not pressuring for sex - he will be missing sex very much and very unhappy if you just ignore the issue. Also tell him that you know that his libido is still there and you want to address that and honour his feelings too.

Tell him which parts of your body you do not want him to touch, tell him if you do not want or cannot have penetrative sex. However promise that you will give him pleasure and physical release in a way that you feel comfortable with at least once a week. That is less than most men would ideally like but better than nothing at all. Tell him what you want in return - even if it is just a massage or a cuddle.

Also, you must plan to have sex and do it mid morning or mid afternnon at the weekend say when the baby sleeps and you do not feel tired. Perhaps take a bath togther or a shower. Get him to take the physical work load off you so you do not feel so tired. Go to be really early, do not leave it until late an you are both too tired.

Above all do not make 'I have a baby' or 'I am breast feeding' an excuse, as CarrieBo says, to not face up to intimacy issues.

[weasle]

i recently changed my pill (mini-pill) and now realise that was the main cause of lack of libido, not bf (still feeding at 20mo).

also huge problem was just feeling so bloody tired, and 'pestered' by kids in day and by DH at night. when i got a glimmer of libido and then was a bit more up for it myself i felt less pestered as i felt more in control and positive about it.

agree that how you are generally treated important. if you feel taken for granted and not cherished you might not feel keen for sex. and body image/confidence important too.

so not just because of bf i don't think.

[eeky]

I agree that the whole change in your life after having a baby (esp the first) affects your libido. However, bf does drastically reduce your oestrogen levels, to post-menopausal levels in some cases. This reduction eases as time goes by, especially once weaning has started and number of feeds drops. Hence very common low libido, vaginal dryness or delay failure to orgasm. I bf with dd till 7m and wished I had carried on a longer. Mind you, I certainly noticed the difference once I stopped, poor dh didn't know what had hit him when I first ovulated resulting in conceiving ds, (and planned)!

However although libido was poor, I initiated sex early, I think about 5 weeks. Dh would never have pressured me and was happy to wait as long as needed. Although, yes, sex and intimacy can be different things, I personally feel they are intertwined in a loving relationship. I felt a really strong need to re-establish that part of our marriage; it didn't feel physically the same for months but emotionally was a lifesaver, keeping our relationship going at what was a very rocky patch. Also helped by getting dd in a routine so that we had evenings to ourselves for a meal (cooked by dh) and a relaxing glass of wine.

Don't get me wrong, I adore dd and was/am devoted to her and massively overprotective especially whilst on mat leave, but I do think that it's sensible to analyse, and talk about your relationship with dh if needed.

On a basic level (probably TMI), I found keeping a pretty bra on (with breast pads well hiddden), camisole/nightie, lubricant and a glass of wine helpful. Also make sure your contraception is ok - progestogen only is needed if you are still bf, but be aware that especially the Implanon, Depo-Provera and POP (eg: Cerazette)may significantly reduce libido - even in women who are not bf. Mirena IUS much less likely to affect libido; copper IUCD or condoms non-hormonal so won't. I'm an O&G doctor and specialist in contraception - see loads of women whose libido is reduced due to a combination of bf/contraception/whole bloody shock of new baby! Lots improve once stopping bf, but would never suggest stopping just for this reason. Often women feel less concerned once they know that this is normal.

Hope things improve for you, please give it time and talk to your dh.

[ABetaDad]

33k - thank you for the offer but believe me one DW is really quite enough.

[sleeplessinstretford]

i fed my dd2 for 9mths and she self weaned-by that time i had almost had enough of it.I must confess though for us,sex is very much part of our relationship.My dp wouldn't ever pester me for sex,he wouldn't need to because we basically don't really say 'no' to eachother-he wouldn't make a move on me if i was out on my feet and i vice versa.
I think a lot of people use breastfeeding as a weapon to avoid having to address other issues in their marriage.
The unique thing about my relationship with dp is that we have sex,i don't have sex with anyone else-if i witheld that part of our relationship then i would be altering the state of it and putting my children before my partner-when in reality their wants and needs are equally important.
Saying you can give your hubby a handjob indicates that sex is merely a physical release thing.it isn't.i would be mortified if i felt i had been usurped in my dp's life by our children.

[MamaGoblin]

Agree with those who say the blame can't be laid on BF, or not entirely. If you're only feeding a toddler a couple of times a day anyway, I don't think you're too hormonally different. ?

I was completely uninterested in sex for the first year after DS was born. It was possibly BF hormones but also lack of sleep, different priorities and general stress. Also a horrible fear of waking DS!

I was as dry as a very dry thing (my GP saw both of us at the 6 week check because I needed someone to hold DS, and told DH and me that we'd need 'lots and lots of lube'. ) and this has slowly become better, to the point where we no longer need lube - hooray! - at 17 months. DS has between 2 and 4 feeds a day now.

At about 15 months, I suddenly regained an interest in sex and actually started initiating it again, so it does seem like I've started to get my mojo back! I'm even happy now for my breasts to be touched, etc - partly because I know the 'danger' of leaking milk has pretty much receded. (Not a problem for me but I knew DH was a tiny bit put off.) Clearly it's different for everyone, though.