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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

am I really evil/bad person for asking a new Mum who has leaking sore boobs if she has considered breastfeeding?

72 replies

JingleyJen · 15/02/2008 21:23

the answer was no - she hadn't even considered it. baby is 3 days old and her boobs hurt so I thought that perhaps if she thought about feeding the child that may help with being so engorged.

She didn't take offence at the question.

On her behalf someone else is cross..

Surely if a mum was breastfeeding and finding it hard people make suggestions about bottle feeding all the time, I didn't even suggest she should breast feed I was just asking if she had considered it. and once I knew that under no circumstances would she I said no more.. I am not going to try to change her mind, it was just a question.

Sorry ranting on here because have tried to rant at home at Dh and he has walked off.. (quite rightly I should stop ranting now)!!!

Dont expect replies, just feel better now I have got it off my chest.

OP posts:
frazzledbutcalm · 15/02/2008 21:32

Don't dh always just walk off when we rant???
I don't think you were being evil/bad, you're right about role reversal (breast/bottle)
I bottle fed my 4dc and sore boobs only last approx a week.

Original poster
JingleyJen · 15/02/2008 21:34

I suggested cabbage leaves. never tried it myself but have heard it works.

OP posts:
lyndyloo · 17/02/2008 20:23

I would have done the same. However I admit I am very judgemental about women who don't BF. Sorry but I am. I accept some women find it difficult but some don't even bother trying.

lyndyloo · 17/02/2008 20:26

BTW - before you all slag me off for this - a colleague of mine who didn't breastfeed but knows I did, compared it to cannabilism FFS!

nancy75 · 17/02/2008 20:30

maybe there were other reasons why she wasnt breast feeding that she just didnt want to tell you about? I could not breast feed for medical reasons, didnt feel that i had to explain myself to every nosey person that asked why i wasnt bfing so i had to put up with the judgemental attitudes of people like lyndyloo!

wannaBe · 17/02/2008 20:30

Not evil/bad but don't think it's your place to ask questions like that, sorry.

I think there's a difference actually between suggesting a bottle and suggesting the breast, because I think most women who choose not to breastfeed from day1 do so consciously, for whatever reason, and so someone asking if they had not considered breastfeeding could come across as judgemental.

tiktok · 17/02/2008 20:32

Jen, it depends on the context, and the way you said it!

If you were polite, and asked in the spirit of sharing information - that is, you are in pain, and I have a suggestion that would relieve your pain - and backed off when the person said 'in no circumstances would they breastfeed', then I agree....what is offensive about it?

Who's cross, by the way? If we're talking about 'minding one's own business'. maybe the cross person should do just that

tiktok · 17/02/2008 20:34

I agree that asking 'why do you not want to breastfeed?' is intrusive. But Jen asked if the mother had 'considered' it. Lots of people don't consider it, and have some misunderstandings about it....a gentle, polite approach and an offer to answer questions is fine.

llareggub · 17/02/2008 20:37

I disagree wannabe. I breastfed but only because I discovered mumsnet in the weeks leading up to the birth. Up until that point my MIL had taken me out to buy bottles, formula etc and I just went along with it. I had no idea how to feed a baby. It did not occur to her that I would breastfeed as she never had.

So I very nearly ended up formula feeding without making a concious decision. Of course, the midwives probably would have said something because they have to but they seemed very keen to get my skinny little son onto a bottle.

So many people do what the people around them do or did. Hopefully, my friends will breastfeed because they saw me doing it in so many places and for so long, even if some them thought it a bit odd.

tiktok · 17/02/2008 23:16

It's very true that people may do what their friends and family did, without even hearing a suggestion that something else can be done.

There's plenty of research on this.

The idea that all women think carefully about this, make up their minds after considering the options, and then put their plans into action, is way out.

Some women do. Some don't. I can't think it's intrusive to raise the topic. It might not have been raised antenatally by the midwives in more than a 'breast or bottle?' ticky-box sorta way.

zim · 18/02/2008 00:03

i really wouldnt worry about it. as long as you didnt offend her, its the other persons problem. whats wrong with asking if she'd considered bf?good god, some people are so tetchy.like someone else said, its ok if its the other way round and a bfeeding mum is complaining and someone suggests a bottle(that could offend her if she's never consisdered using a bottle). ps lydyloo i dont think you sound judgemental-just honest! bottle feeding mums shouldnt be made to feel guilty but that doesnt mean that bf mums shouldnt be allowed to be positive about their own bfeeding experiences. why should people feel like they're treading on egg shells when discussing feeding. Best to get all opinions/advice out in the open then leave it up to each mum to decide for herself once armed with a variety of opinions.

AitchTwoOh · 18/02/2008 00:08

ach, you just asked if she'd considered it. that's not offensive in the slightest, don't worry about it.

mehdismummy · 18/02/2008 00:22

i personally wanted to bf. My mil also told my dh it was by far the best thing i could give my baby. Tbh the first night in the hospital the mw were rubbish and i had a real problem getting him latched on. I felt very frustrated and a failure. Mw kept saying just give him a bottle. They even brought one in for me. I was just about to give in and was sobbing like a fool. When my wonderful step sister came in grabbed my boob and latched ds on. Then sat with me showing me how to do it. Bless her from that day on until now(ds now two. And before anyone says it. We will stop when we are ready to and not before or because some fickle fools think we should stop!) i dont think you were wrong just giving your advice. Well done perhaps if more people helped like you there would be more mums bf.

slim22 · 18/02/2008 01:37

don't worry about it.
It's just a natural answer to a question in the context you were in.
3 day old baby. She has sore boobs and tells you about it. The conversation naturally went that way. WTF are you supposed to reply?
(excuse my language - just reflecting irritation at silly political correctness debate every time we talk about breastfeeding)

slim22 · 18/02/2008 01:38

mehdismummy how are you?

mehdismummy · 18/02/2008 08:15

hi slim. Am ok. Still here! You?

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 18/02/2008 08:19

My heart failed after DS, they told me within a period of 24 hours that I would be on medication for the rest of my life, I could not breastfeed, and by the way you can not have any more children.

If someone had stuck their nosey beak in, no matter how well meaning they would quite proabably have tipped me over the edge. TBH.

needmorecoffee · 18/02/2008 08:29

If someone had asked me that when dd was little I'd of become hysterical. She's brain damaged and couldn't suck as she had no suck reflex. If Lyndyloo wishes to juydge that then feel free! Bet she hasn't had a brain damaged baby in NICU.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 18/02/2008 08:31

Would you care to comment on the last two posts LLoo ?

Do not judge someone else, unless you have walked a mile in their shoes.

MrsDandOllie · 18/02/2008 08:36

I couldnt bf DS for medical reasons and it really really upset me. If anyone had said the same thing to me at the time, no matter how well meaning then I would have most likely taken it as a veiled critism in my hormonal state, no matter how well intentioned it was meant - sorry!

I understand that you meant it well and I'm glad she took it in the right spirit, but I'd steer clear of such comments personally to a new mum!

MamaG · 18/02/2008 08:37

Bloody hell bree

Agree, you should not judge folk becuase you don't know the full story

PuppyMonkey · 18/02/2008 08:50

Lyndyloo - if you are judgemental about other people, then don't be surprised if other folk (ie your colleague) are judgemental about you!

IndigoMoon · 18/02/2008 08:58

lyndyloo - you should not be judgemental of everyone who does not breastfeed as you will probably not know the reasons behind that decision

Hulababy · 18/02/2008 09:01

I don't think the Op did anything wrong TBH. The mum wasn't offended, and once OP knew that mum didn't breast feed she dropped it. So all ok.

However why people feel the need to judge with no idea what the story behind it is I have no idea. How someone choses to feed their baby is their choice.

People who make comments such as lyndyloo really do not help at all. It is just uncalled for and actually cruel to judge mums with no knowledge of the decision making process!

MrsMattie · 18/02/2008 09:02

I'm sure BF-ing must have dawned on her at some stage . I think it was pretty patronising of you, sorry.