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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

am I really evil/bad person for asking a new Mum who has leaking sore boobs if she has considered breastfeeding?

72 replies

JingleyJen · 15/02/2008 21:23

the answer was no - she hadn't even considered it. baby is 3 days old and her boobs hurt so I thought that perhaps if she thought about feeding the child that may help with being so engorged.

She didn't take offence at the question.

On her behalf someone else is cross..

Surely if a mum was breastfeeding and finding it hard people make suggestions about bottle feeding all the time, I didn't even suggest she should breast feed I was just asking if she had considered it. and once I knew that under no circumstances would she I said no more.. I am not going to try to change her mind, it was just a question.

Sorry ranting on here because have tried to rant at home at Dh and he has walked off.. (quite rightly I should stop ranting now)!!!

Dont expect replies, just feel better now I have got it off my chest.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 18/02/2008 09:02

this again highlights the complex emotions around breastfeeding.. and the lack of proper antenatal information and postnatal support for women who might have breastfed with the right help.

being judgemental of women who don't 'try' is too glib, and does not acknowledge the myriad of reasons women don't try or don;t continue breastfeeding

BeauLocks · 18/02/2008 09:04

I'm with MrsMattie. Hugely patronising of you.

SheherazadetheGoat · 18/02/2008 09:08

i asked my friend over the phone if she was bfing but i was completely unthinking on my part, i just wanted to know if she wanted to borrow breat pump boppy cushion etc. she wasn't feeding her dd cos they had both been quite ill. i wanted to earth to swallow me up. i think the op was equally unthinking and should probably just accept that and get over it.

Caz10 · 18/02/2008 09:22

not defending lyndyloo AT ALL as i don't really appreciate people who are judgemental about anything but she did say she had a problem with those who CHOOSE not to breastfeed, i think that's very different from not being able to for reasons like those listed here.

hana · 18/02/2008 09:23

not evil or bad, but don't think it's anyone's place to ask a question like that to a stranger

tiktok · 18/02/2008 09:25

Was it a stranger?

chipmonkey · 18/02/2008 09:28

The trouble is that you don't really know whether people choose or not. I have a friend who tells people she chose not to breastfeed because she'd rather not discuss the medication she has to take daily with every Tom, Dick or Harry. I would raise the subject with a very good friend if I were fairly sure they had no reasons not to bf but if it were just a neighbour or passing acquaintance, I'd leave well enough alone.

IndigoMoon · 18/02/2008 09:32

i think its ok to ask if you have considered breastfeeding but unfair to judge those who dont as you have no idea why they have chosen to not breastfeed.

hana · 18/02/2008 09:34

I def wouldn't ask someone unless it was family or a dear friend. really none of our business

PuppyMonkey · 18/02/2008 10:01

Even if you did CHOOSE not to breastfeed, that's your own business. Not for anyone else to make a snap judgement.

noddyholder · 18/02/2008 10:02

none of your business you don't know the full story.that is overastepping a big line imho

tiktok · 18/02/2008 10:16

The 'rules' are simple, surely, and relate to good manners:

If someone you know complains about painful, leaking breasts in the very early days, then it is fine to ask if they have considered bf, explaining that breastfeeding the baby might help with this. Don't persist if they are not open to this.

It is not fine to ask someone why they are not breastfeeding/why they are formula feeding, unless the conversation goes along in a way that you're confident the person is ok with that, or you know them well enough to know this would not be intrusive.

It is never ok to judge someone for 'not trying' or for 'not bothering' - you may never know the full story, and anyway, people's reasons are their own.

If you admit to being 'very judgemental' about these things, then start working on a change of attitude

All of this is just consideration for other people, innit?

flowerybeanbag · 18/02/2008 10:22

I don't think you're 'evil', but I do think a little thoughtless. Often if people are not breastfeeding at such an early stage it may be for difficult reasons that they might be sensitive about, as Bree described. Plus at that stage most people are even more sensitive about things that usual anyway!

I don't actually think it's 'fine' to ask anyone whether they've considered either method of feeding if they are having problems with whatever they are doing. If someone asks for opinions/support/information, no problem of course, but I think really the only question I'd even consider asking someone relating to feeding would be 'how are you feeding LO?' Because that's not offering an opinion which may or may not be welcome.

tiktok · 18/02/2008 10:32

flowery - someone 3 days postnatal has painful breasts. You know (correctly) that breastfeeding might help with this, and you have no info about whether or not she had thought about breastfeeding. And you would say nothing??

Pruners · 18/02/2008 10:35

Message withdrawn

flowerybeanbag · 18/02/2008 10:35

No I wouldn't. I'd offer sympathy, suggest cabbage leaves or whatever. I think saying 'have you considered breastfeeding' sounds patronising.
I also think it's highly highly unlikely someone's going to think if that is said to them 'Oh really? Oh well in that case I will suddenly decide to try breastfeeding.' I just can't see it happening.

BabiesEverywhere · 18/02/2008 10:45

flowerybeanbag, But by not offering the option, you are making the decision for the mother in question. Doesn't the mother with the painful breasts deserve to have all the possible solutions put forward (cabbage leaves and breastfeeding/expressing) so she can make an informed choice for herself, rather than other mothers to decide what options they feel is right for this situation ?

Your logical argument, is the one the lady who runs my local breastfeeding support group uses. She decides what limited solution to offer to the mothers and she only suggests formula never any other option to women who attend a support group and want to activally breastfeed.

tiktok · 18/02/2008 10:47

It's all in the tone of voice and choice of words, though, isn't it, flowery?

'Have you considered breastfeeding?' could well sound intrusive and patroninsing...but 'I wonder if you've given breastfeeding any thought, you know, 'cos that might help with the pain?' said in a gentle and polite way could be fine, surely?

tiktok · 18/02/2008 10:48

And flowery - mothers do decide to breastfeed, days and sometimes weeks into formula feeding.

flowerybeanbag · 18/02/2008 10:50

BE I wouldn't presume it would be for me to offer any options. I wouldn't suggest formula to a mother struggling with bf either for the same reasons.

flowerybeanbag · 18/02/2008 10:51

tiktok I'm sure they do, good for them, I just think, as I said, that such a decision is very unlikely to result from a comment like the OP's.

BabiesEverywhere · 18/02/2008 10:56

Oh, right, I guess I misunderstood when your last post said you would.

"I'd offer sympathy, suggest cabbage leaves or whatever"

I took that by suggesting cabbages leaves that you would be happy to put forward information but that you felt mentioning breastfeeding as an option, would be unacceptable level of information for you to give.

So reading your last post, suggests what you actually meant to say is that you would offer sympathy but no information, which of course is your choice but witholding information which could benefit another mother's problem with her painful breasts, seems a little short sighted to me.

princessosyth · 18/02/2008 10:58

I wouldn't have been offended but I would have thought fgs don't you think that I already know that?.

I tried to breastfeed but failed and I was a little taken aback when ds was 5 months old and my yoga teacher said "I don't really mean to cause offence but can I ask your reasons for giving your baby a bottle?" I was a little annoyed and wanted to say mind your own business but instead I told her the whole story she then proceeded to tell the whole class that it wasn't too late to start breastfeeding at 5 months and she wanted to get me to attempt breastfeeding ds in the middle of the yoga class! .

I'm sure she meant well but I considered her comments to be inappropriate and uncalled for. She also said that I should have fought for a natural birth as ds was born by c-section because he was breech .

BabiesEverywhere · 18/02/2008 11:01

princessosyth, I am so sorry your Yoga teacher overstepped the mark in both asking you questions about feeding your baby and the birth. She was completely out of order to do this.

MrsMattie · 18/02/2008 11:04

My God@princess - some people are so completely misguided! How unprofessional and rude of your yoga teacher.

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