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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

died on NY Day- aged 15

37 replies

MABS · 03/01/2009 19:41

that's it really.dd's mate was killed 2 days ago, tragic accident. She is terribly upset, how can i comfort her? thanks

OP posts:

SecretSlattern · 03/01/2009 19:43

liahgen · 03/01/2009 19:45

poor girl.

When a pal of my dd's (14) was killed last year they all set up a face book page for her, (the deceased girl). It gave the young ones a place to go to send love, hugs, and say whatever else they wanted to each other.

for your dd, horrible at any age.

Maybe just give her a hug, and let her cry. I hope she's ok.

mumblecrumble · 03/01/2009 19:46

Friend of mine died when I was 14 and another when I was 17. Can only tell you how I felt.

Has she been to funeral yet? Perhaps offer support, transort etc so she can get there. SHe'll want to be with friends and rememebr her friend as much as possible. My Mum told me I would forget (out of kindness) and that terrified me.

Found that the act (and disctraction almost?) of getting something together t remeber Beth by was very comforting.

I'm so sorry. What a shock.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 03/01/2009 19:46

Oh my God. Your poor DD. Just be there with hugs and tea and whatever time of night she needs to talk, listen. If she wants to visit the parents, or the site of the accident, or the memorial, or funeral, be there with lots of support.

My poor brother lost his best friend at 16, and another dear friend 3 years ago on NYE (he's 26 now). It's so hard, but she'll get through it.

Much love to you and your DD xx

mumblecrumble · 03/01/2009 19:46

Facebook page - excellent idea.

MmeJaffaB · 03/01/2009 19:48

You need to give her space, time to be with mutual friends but most of all let her know that you are there when ever she wants/need you.

Original poster

MABS · 03/01/2009 19:55

thanks all, there is a FB page,we just looked, v comforting , but also distressing, his parents and brother have posted on it which was heartbreaking.

Too soon to know when funeral is, was only 48hrs ago, but think they saying family only.Her school are planning some services at their chapel next wk i believe.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 03/01/2009 20:01

If the funeral is family only you could help your dd get together with some friends at the same time to remember him. They could be silent or listen to music, light candles and just take some time. They might find that useful as well as remembering him together with all their school.

bundle · 03/01/2009 20:06

mabs I'm really sorry to hear about this

when a very young child who went to dd2's nursery was killed (in a plane crash) we found local counsellors who advised us on bereavement for different ages - we got in touch with them through the local education authority, I hope your school does this too as it's a tough thing to cope with, xxx

VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 20:06

Oh how sad Your poor DD. I think the Facebook page is a lovely idea. Could you help her make an album of memories as a keepsake for herself in years to come.

Support her as much as poss, be taxi driver if the funeral is open toeverybody. Ifit is not there maybe a memorial service she can go to.

A big pair of mums shoulders and a good ear is what she needs right now, allow her friends around if that is what she wants to do.

Very sad indeed, my heart goes out to you and the family of the deceased.

Mamazon · 03/01/2009 20:08

oh mabs im so sorry.

Original poster

MABS · 03/01/2009 20:13

thanks all

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Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 03/01/2009 20:15

I'm sorry about your dd's friend Mabs.

It's very difficult. My dd (15 now) lost a very good friend a couple of years ago in very tragic circumstances. I think it helped for all the friend's to be together at least at first but a little later it dragged her down I think. The school organised some counselling for those that wanted/needed it.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to handle it.

lisalisa · 03/01/2009 20:15

A freind of mine died when he was 16 of bacterail meningitis. Your dd will be in schock and need support. I found at teh time the funeral service to be very cathertic as they allowd lots of his friends to give readings etc which made us feel part of it all together. Let her talk as much as she needs to .

Original poster

MABS · 03/01/2009 20:24

she just getting angry now, so cross that his friend couldn't save him, but he didn't stand a chance

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VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 20:28

It wasn't the poor lad on the railway line was it? Appreciate you might not want to give too much away.

Original poster

MABS · 03/01/2009 20:42

you may just be right

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VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 20:46

Oh dear lord. I lost my brother when he was aged 18.

I was with my Mum when it was on the news, we looked at one another and did the knowing look thing.

Such a handsome boy and so athletic looking too.

A great and tragic loss, big hugs to your DD MABS. x

Original poster

MABS · 03/01/2009 20:56

I am so sorry about you brother, how tragic.

dd's friend was just as fit as he looked, a real rugby star,lovely boy.

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VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 20:59

I suppose if there was somebody with him they would not have been able to do anything because they too could have been killed.

You have probably been through all of that with your daughter. I dont have any of the answers with regards to why do so many young people with excellent prospects die so young. I have lost other family members at a young age too.

I'm not suprised she is angry, your DD. Just one of the many emotions she will feel in the coming weeks and months.

VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 21:00

Sorry, how rude, thank you for your thoughts. I was dragged up better than that LOL

ClarissimoUsedToBePeachy · 03/01/2009 21:01

Oh bow horrid

My best friend died when I was 16 and I remember it as a horrid time, my first real encounter with death and unexpected (really stupid accident), tbh nobody much said or did anything and bar the funeral it wasn't acknowledged in any real way (we were just starting college, people got on with it) and that was completely the wrong thimng for me, left me feeling aloen. Mum and dad's response was 'oh that's a shame' (I expect now they just didnt know how to handle it).

i'd say just being there. I spent many hours alone and was eft to iyt; I'd have really benefitted from knowing that they were there for me if I wanted or that anyone else even ralised how awful everything was.

Can yu find out where the poor mite will be buried? Friends mum had a feud going with another friend and to this day I don't know where she is buried, we were allowed at the ervice but the burial was family only. I put my wedding flowers on a tree in a memorial garden and have spent many hours searching but t no avail. I think it's important to be able to say goodbye, even if nto at the funeral.

Original poster

MABS · 03/01/2009 21:23

thanks again, friend jumped down onto rails as he fell, but it was too late, he is now tortured

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VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 21:30

That poor boy. He will need lots of support and probably counselling, there is nothing he could have done without taking his own life too.

The torment must be awful, unbearable but with love and support he will make headway slowly but surely.

Take care of yourself too MABS, your little girl is gonna need you. x

Original poster

MABS · 03/01/2009 21:54

thanks is all i can say

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