Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

died on NY Day- aged 15

37 replies

MABS · 03/01/2009 19:41

that's it really.dd's mate was killed 2 days ago, tragic accident. She is terribly upset, how can i comfort her? thanks

OP posts:

Report

MABS · 05/01/2009 09:55

thank you Evenstar,so sorry for your loss

OP posts:

Report

Evenstar · 04/01/2009 23:05

MABS you will find useful information to support your daughter on the Winstons Wish website www.winstonswish.org.uk/ there are resources there for parents and for children/young people and schools. I found it helpful when my husband died to support my children, I am thinking of you all at this difficult time.

Report

ShinyPinkShoes · 04/01/2009 17:03

Mabs. So sorry

I think being there to listen is important.
And letting her go with her feelings- cry, talk, be alone/in company as and when she feels like it.

School may well organise some counselling for students.

Much love xx

Report

CharleeinChains · 04/01/2009 17:03

I lost a very good friend when i was 13 in a car accident on NYE, i was supposed to be with her in the car but was ill, i felt guilty for ages as i was supposed to have been there so it could have been me.

I remeber the day before she said 'oh wow i have lived to see an eclipse and we will see the millenium as well, she neve rdid though as she died before she hit the road at 11.30pm

Just let her know your there for her its all you can do.

HUgs to your dd.

Report

LilRedWG · 04/01/2009 17:01

So sorry Mabs. I went through this as a teenager. All I can say is hold her close and tell her it is okay to grieve.

Report

Klaw · 04/01/2009 16:57

poor dd, Mabs, just be there for her, however many months down the line.... I still remember the boy I sat next to in science class over 25 years ago, i didn't know him very well but I still remember him and how awful i felt when we heard that he had killed himself due to his father's bullying, I still remember his name....

It will be good for her to go to funeral and say goodbye. it will help parents too, to know that he had friends who care.

parents need support, which is why I went to my friends' daughters funeral recently. I didn't really know the daughter, I went to show my friends that I achnowldege their loss.

Whether you're a parent, a child, a close friend or even a not so close friend the main thing is you need acknowledgment of your loss and that even you will go on living that loss is always there.

Report

dietstartstomorrow · 04/01/2009 16:49

My neice is going through the same (I think it may be the same case, actually).

Very sad .

She has posted on the FB page too.

Report

MABS · 04/01/2009 16:44

Many thanks Ellbell, i don't know FB either, but will tell her.

OP posts:

Report

Ellbell · 04/01/2009 16:15

Just a thought about Facebook. If this is something where there is likely to be Press interest, please advise your dd and her friends to make the Facebook page private. (I've never used Facebook, so don't know how to do this, but I know it can be done.) When someone I know died in tragic circumstances a year or so ago [don't want to say too much on here but it was a big news story at the time], the Press were raiding the Facebook pages of her friends for juicy quotes about her and young people who were already terribly terribly hurt were finding what they thought of as their private messages to their friend splashed all over the tabloids (sometimes attributed, sometimes not). It was very sad, and just added insult to injury, really. Sorry to put a downer on the Facebook thing...

MABS I am so sorry for your dd and her friends and all those involved. IME, young people (the ones I work with a a bit older than your dd, but even so...) are very good at 'being there' for one another. I've been very very impressed by how the people I've been involved with have supported one another, both in the immediate aftermath of what happened and in the longer term. Encourage counselling if they feel it will help, but bear in mind that they might not feel they need it now but might want to talk later. This has happened with the people I work with... a year on, some have come forward and said 'I don't feel I can keep on going over and over what happened with my friends after all this time' and have found counselling helpful at this stage as a place where it's 'OK' to talk about what happened.

I am so sorry, and am sending you much love.

Report

resolutions · 04/01/2009 16:08

what i hadn't realised before the school death was how much and how long afterwards it would affect them,esp the ones like my son who were near but couldn't get nearer to help properly.
both dd and ds went to funeral and helped a bit but ds got feelings of panic a few weeks afterwards and they were both v tearful for week or more.it was this time last year.
try to accept it might go on longer than you would think at first

Report

kiltycoldbum · 04/01/2009 15:55

oh mabs how terribly terribly awful, that poor boy is going to need a lot of hugging and a lot of support from his friends, encourage your daughter to be there for him, no matter how sad and angry she is it wont compare to how guilty and angry he feels with himself!

when i was 17 3 friends were killed in an accident, 2 were the only children in the family, it was truly awful, my then boyf was driving the car, it was the other drivers fault entirely but the guilt i had to watch him deal with was heartbreaking, screaming in his sleep etc for years

we would visit the scene regularly, we had to walk past it to get home, go to the cemetary, go to the church and see their plaque and go round the parents house regularly i think in keeping in touch with us it helped them feel they werent all of a sudden lost, its so so desperately hard and unreal, it does ease with time but you really never forget them. its just swimming against a tide of desperate sadness and confusion and im so sorry for your daughter and all those concerned

Report

resolutions · 04/01/2009 15:44

a young boy collapsed and died in the school yard last year and it was several minutes till teachers arrived.has affected some of them with post traumatic stress.he was 15 and all the children were there.

Report

MABS · 03/01/2009 21:54

thanks is all i can say

OP posts:

Report

VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 21:30

That poor boy. He will need lots of support and probably counselling, there is nothing he could have done without taking his own life too.

The torment must be awful, unbearable but with love and support he will make headway slowly but surely.

Take care of yourself too MABS, your little girl is gonna need you. x

Report

MABS · 03/01/2009 21:23

thanks again, friend jumped down onto rails as he fell, but it was too late, he is now tortured

OP posts:

Report

ClarissimoUsedToBePeachy · 03/01/2009 21:01

Oh bow horrid

My best friend died when I was 16 and I remember it as a horrid time, my first real encounter with death and unexpected (really stupid accident), tbh nobody much said or did anything and bar the funeral it wasn't acknowledged in any real way (we were just starting college, people got on with it) and that was completely the wrong thimng for me, left me feeling aloen. Mum and dad's response was 'oh that's a shame' (I expect now they just didnt know how to handle it).

i'd say just being there. I spent many hours alone and was eft to iyt; I'd have really benefitted from knowing that they were there for me if I wanted or that anyone else even ralised how awful everything was.

Can yu find out where the poor mite will be buried? Friends mum had a feud going with another friend and to this day I don't know where she is buried, we were allowed at the ervice but the burial was family only. I put my wedding flowers on a tree in a memorial garden and have spent many hours searching but t no avail. I think it's important to be able to say goodbye, even if nto at the funeral.

Report

VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 21:00

Sorry, how rude, thank you for your thoughts. I was dragged up better than that LOL

Report

VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 20:59

I suppose if there was somebody with him they would not have been able to do anything because they too could have been killed.

You have probably been through all of that with your daughter. I dont have any of the answers with regards to why do so many young people with excellent prospects die so young. I have lost other family members at a young age too.

I'm not suprised she is angry, your DD. Just one of the many emotions she will feel in the coming weeks and months.

Report

MABS · 03/01/2009 20:56

I am so sorry about you brother, how tragic.

dd's friend was just as fit as he looked, a real rugby star,lovely boy.

OP posts:

Report

VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 20:46

Oh dear lord. I lost my brother when he was aged 18.

I was with my Mum when it was on the news, we looked at one another and did the knowing look thing.

Such a handsome boy and so athletic looking too.

A great and tragic loss, big hugs to your DD MABS. x

Report

MABS · 03/01/2009 20:42

you may just be right

OP posts:

Report

VaginaShmergina · 03/01/2009 20:28

It wasn't the poor lad on the railway line was it? Appreciate you might not want to give too much away.

Report

MABS · 03/01/2009 20:24

she just getting angry now, so cross that his friend couldn't save him, but he didn't stand a chance

OP posts:

Report

lisalisa · 03/01/2009 20:15

A freind of mine died when he was 16 of bacterail meningitis. Your dd will be in schock and need support. I found at teh time the funeral service to be very cathertic as they allowd lots of his friends to give readings etc which made us feel part of it all together. Let her talk as much as she needs to .

Report

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 03/01/2009 20:15

I'm sorry about your dd's friend Mabs.

It's very difficult. My dd (15 now) lost a very good friend a couple of years ago in very tragic circumstances. I think it helped for all the friend's to be together at least at first but a little later it dragged her down I think. The school organised some counselling for those that wanted/needed it.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to handle it.