How do people cope with the first days after losing a child

[BrightBiscuit]

My 12 year old daughter passed away yesterday afternoon after a long illness with many ups and downs. The end came so quickly though and I wasn’t prepared/ wasn’t ready. Of course no one would ever be ready but although I knew it was happening, my brain wouldn’t let me accept it so when the time came it was still a shock if that makes sense. I just can’t take it in and I’m suffering immensely. My whole body is shaking, I’m struggling to regulate my breathing, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t think and have cried non stop. I am on my own in bed at the moment and have found this forum which is distracting my brain for a few minutes as I type. I’m wondering if anyone who has been through similar can tell me when this initial agony might wear off enough for me to function at a basic level. I’m considering asking my GP for some help but I’ve never taken any type of antidepressant/anxiety medication before and having read some horror stories online about it making people feel worse I’m scared to even try. Can anyone recommend any that have worked for them? I keep thinking I can hear her voice or hear her moving around the house or see her at the corner of my eye and I keep forgetting she’s gone for a split second and go to tell her something. Is this a normal reaction? How do people cope with all this?

I'm so, so sorry @BrightBiscuit. Do you have anyone with you right now? I don't have any experience with this, but I can listen. Would you like to tell us about your daughter?

I keep forgetting she’s gone for a split second and go to tell her something. Is this a normal reaction?

And yes, I can assure you that's totally normal.

I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know the answer but do ask your GP for advice, also there will be some local support group for parents in your situation and specialised counselling available.

i am so sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter. My heart goes out to you. I don’t have any answers I’m afraid but hope someone sees this post soon who can offer advice.

I'm so sorry for you loss x

I wish I could give you a big hug.

For tonight it's going to have to be deep breaths and concentrating on keeping yourself as calm as possible.

What you are feeling is completely normal.

You should contact your GP - even if it's just to share how you are feeling.

God bless you all x

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please call your GP immediately. Do not be afraid of medication. You need help.
Do you have family or friends who can be with you? Do not hesitate to call a friend.

i’m so sorry

Also if you just want to talk about her and calm yourself down, please call Samaritans at 116123. They work 24/7 and are good at listening.

Oh love, please reach out to and accept any professional support for you, your GP, your childs school, your lea, social workers, just anyone.

Anything and everything you are feeling is normal and I just want to give you the biggest hug but sometimes you just need to sit and howl into the void, and that's ok too.

Wrapping you in love

I can’t help you specifically, but I just wanted to say I’m so so sorry for the loss of your daughter. You are at such an early stage of grief and your body has gone into physical shock. Maybe make no daily expectations of yourself at all, don’t put any pressure on yourself to do anything- and just allow the grief to come. I’m sure the waves will be constant at the start; but little by little you might be able to catch your breath before the next one hits. Then one day when you feel just the tiniest bit stronger and things feel calmer, you can go to GP, and see what help they can offer you. In the meantime sending lots of love to you and I hope you have people around you to hold your hand as you navigate these next few weeks and months. ❤️

I am so immensely sorry for your loss . I don't know where you are , but I know there are bereavement charities that help parents and siblings . I know Child Bereavement is one.

No words I can or anyone can say will take your pain away , I can't even imagine the pain . Sending you so much love and strength, and I hope you have support in real life xx

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I have no more advice to offer than has been given by others here, but please keep talking here if it helps. Sending hugs x

It’s a common reaction to a shocking loss to think you see them. Your brain cannot process it all at once so keeps pattern matching trying to see them. Tbh you do not need to function just now. You need to mourn. Which is all consuming, physical and mental. In our culture it’s often a quiet stage but worldwide people find release by letting it out. By being consumed, not trying to “soldier on’ You don’t need medication as such though if sleep doesn’t come soon you maybe could do with help with that. For tonight leave the light on, lie comfortably and listen to an audio book, you may find your brain switches off eNough to sleep. Very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl.

This is so unbelievably heartbreaking and it's a devastating thing to lose a child. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I think speaking to the GP is a really good idea and try not to worry about the horror stories - they're always the ones that make the 'news' but lots of people are helped by medication. Lean on people as much as you can, friends, family, colleagues. Letting someone help you means letting them love you. And I wonder that talking to other parents who have lost children would help, just knowing someone who's further along that road can be a comfort.

You're doing everything right, and it might just be minute to minute at the moment. If you'd like to share a bit about your daughter as a pp suggested, we're here to read and listen x

So sorry for your loss xx

By our culture I meant in England btw, you may well be elsewhere!

Bright Biscuit I am so sorry. I don’t have any wise words to offer. I am thinking of you from one Mum to another 🌸Am absolutely heartbroken for you and your beautiful daughter.Xx

I’m so very sorry for your loss. To lose a 12 year old beloved child is just so awful and shocking. There’s surely no rule book on how you should be feeling or acting or how you should be coping in the next few hours and days. It might be that some very temporary medical sedative or tranquiliser could be given to you just for a few days. I would ask. I can’t imagine being unmediated in the context.

Thereafter antidepressants. Ask the doctor as soon as possible. Tell them what you feel but also what you want. Even for doctors it’s a shocking situation, GPs don’t deal with parents who’ve lost such a young child all the time.

I agree with this.

My friend lost her daughter and didn't move from bed for 3 days. You'll never be the same as you were before but in time you'll find a way to function. Right now you're in shock.

I don't think people cope exactly, it's something that happens to you and you just exist through it.

I do think you should speak to your gp as open as they open on Tuesday, theyll be able to help with some support and keep an eye on you, on hand if you medication would be helpful (sleeping tablets etc). If you feel you're getting to a crisis point at any time before then, please call 999.

don't fear anti depressants if it comes to it one day. GPs are used to managing dosages etc.

I am so very very sorry @BrightBiscuit. Do you have someone with you?

Just sending a hand hold.

Oh @BrightBiscuit , I'm so very very sorry.

I have only lost children to miscarriage (and I have one living child) and I know that if I lost a child of mine that I knew, like you know your daughter, the word devastating wouldn't even begin to cover it. I'm sitting here crying for you in your immense pain and shock. I'll pray for you.

My most intense experience of grief was losing one of my grandmothers, who was like a third parent. It was like all colour went out of my life. I felt really awful. The thing that helped me was a book called When Heaven is Silent by Ron Dunn. He lost his son (to suicide, I think). It's a Christian book, so you may or may not be interested in that sort of thing. But the title and the book resonated with me. I haven't re-read because I gave it away to another bereaved friend a while later, so I can't remember the details, but I know it made a difference to me.

Talking to someone who had lost a parent helped a bit too, but I found I needed to find people who had felt similarly in grief - it wasn't enough that they'd been through a similar experience. And they needed to have some emotional capacity available. So the compassion and capacity of the Samaritans or similar could be really helpful for you.

Praying for you now to be able to get some rest tonight, whatever form it takes.

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter.

It's absolutely devastating, my heart is breaking for you. I wish I could be there for you tonight.xx

I understand what you mean about 'knowing' but it still being a shock. Our minds just aren't programmed to accept something so awful is going to happen, we can't prepare for something so unimaginable.

Everything you're feeling is within the realms of 'normal'. Going to tell them something then remembering you can't, is so hard & hurts so much.

All you can do is take it one minute at a time. At this very very early stage it's all encompassing, & it's very hard to imagine feeling any other way, but you learn to live alongside the grief. It doesn't stay this intense because you can't live like this, you don't love them any less, you don't miss them any less, but you do learn to live alongside the grief.

Your GP might be able to give you something to help you sleep if you'd like it. But what you are going through is grief it's not depression so I'm not sure there's any other type of medication that will help.

if you want to and you're feeling up to it, tell us more about yourself your daughter your life... but only if it helps you

All my love
xx

Sending love OP, I am so sorry xxxxxx

I am so very sorry OP for the loss of your darling girl. Praying for your strength and comfort at this devastating time.

IME Nothing can comfort you, and time doesn’t exist, not at the point you are at. The days, and sorry to be harsh, but weeks? Months? Post the loss are a blur for me. I think in reflection they have to be. My mind has rebooted and I can’t remember any of it with clarity, but for my screamingly painful heart. It is a physical, mental and emotional pain which in the moment is so relentless and unforgiving it makes you manic. It did me. I couldn’t be described as “depressed” because that was nothing comparably to my state. I was within and without myself. The first days I died with him and lamented my painful traitorous beating heart. I could neither forgive the world nor myself for my “life” whilst his was gone. Within a week I was Very practically able, almost cold in my ability to “function” but also not all there. A part of me had gone with him.

You muddle through. I hope you have people you love around you. Eventually it gets easier. And after that it stops dominating your self and your thoughts. And after that you stop feeling guilt for it not dominating your thoughts. Then one day, without notice, you are living again. So whatever you feel, however you are- it’s not wrong. It just is.

You’ll make through Op. I'm genuinely sorry you have to. I hope you do. I’m sixteen years on. You’ll never not be grieving Ime. But you will live again. But it’ll take a while. As much time as you need.

What an awful thing to happen to you. I think you need to see if you can get something to help you to sleep. The doctor could prescribe a sedative.