How do people cope with the first days after losing a child

[BrightBiscuit]

My 12 year old daughter passed away yesterday afternoon after a long illness with many ups and downs. The end came so quickly though and I wasn’t prepared/ wasn’t ready. Of course no one would ever be ready but although I knew it was happening, my brain wouldn’t let me accept it so when the time came it was still a shock if that makes sense. I just can’t take it in and I’m suffering immensely. My whole body is shaking, I’m struggling to regulate my breathing, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t think and have cried non stop. I am on my own in bed at the moment and have found this forum which is distracting my brain for a few minutes as I type. I’m wondering if anyone who has been through similar can tell me when this initial agony might wear off enough for me to function at a basic level. I’m considering asking my GP for some help but I’ve never taken any type of antidepressant/anxiety medication before and having read some horror stories online about it making people feel worse I’m scared to even try. Can anyone recommend any that have worked for them? I keep thinking I can hear her voice or hear her moving around the house or see her at the corner of my eye and I keep forgetting she’s gone for a split second and go to tell her something. Is this a normal reaction? How do people cope with all this?

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are living a nightmare so please do ask for help from your gp. Sending love

How you are feeling is normal, albeit unimaginably awful. I think you will eat and sleep whenever the biological need takes over. I also think you might benefit from chatting to the GP to see if they can prescribe something to ease the anxiety - even if you don’t take it, knowing it’s there might help.

I’m so sorry. But I know that doesn’t even touch the sides. I have faith that you won’t always feel this horrific.

I’m not even sure what to say about her and it’s difficult to find my words but she was my baby, my little best friend, we spent all day everyday together. I work from home to take care of her (as she has been unwell with various conditions for most of her life) so there really wasn’t ever any time apart which is why I think it feels so surreal now. She was so kind and loving but also so very funny and always made me laugh with her nonsense, although quite shy with everyone else so no one really got to see the big personality the same way I did. She was incredibly brave and dealt with everything thrown at her with a smile :) She never really got a break, it was one thing after another but she always fought through the bad days without complaining and I really don’t know how she managed that. Oh life can be so bloody unfair! I think she sometimes pretended to be fine when she obviously wasn’t, to save me from worrying about her so much because I’m definitely a bit of a stress head and she never wanted me to get upset so I always tried to hold it all in…even yesterday when I was spending my last moments with her I just went into Mum mode and somehow managed to keep it together right until the end just holding her and telling her how much I loved her and that is was ok to go to sleep and not to worry about me.

I do have family that have been reaching out to help and to see if I need anything but I honestly don’t want to talk to anyone or have anyone around right now, I’m not ready to talk and just want to be by myself for now.

I have an older daughter (22) who has been an incredible support and was with us yesterday. She is dealing with things a little differently from me today and has gone out to the bar for a drink with her bf.

Thank you all for being so kind :) I think this is the first time I’ve managed to calm my mind for a short time reading the messages here and typing my thoughts. 💔

I’m so sorry for your terrible loss.

I'm so very sorry that it was all to short @BrightBiscuit . Your DD sounds like an incredible girl.

So devastating for you. I am thinking of you at this awful time. Please be kind to yourself.
Reading your post about telling her not to worry about you 💔💔💔💔

I am so so sorry, keep posting it will help you.

She sounds wonderful, and you do too. You gave her the best gift-love, time and care for her 12 years. Life is so unfair ❤️❤️❤️

I know we're strangers on the internet, but thank you for telling us a bit about your lovely, brave girl. It sounds like she had a lovely brave mum too. I'm glad to hear you have an older daughter for some support, and, yes, people do deal with loss differently.

Sending you hugs and good thoughts.

Would you like to tell us more about her?

Im so sorry for your loss, absolutely heartbreaking.
What you have described, is very normal, its like a shock reaction that your brain cant process. My sister lost my nephew to cancer a few years ago, he was early 20s and she still goes to contact him even now.

Its such early days for you so would advise rest, dont put pressure on yourself to sleep. Maybe some guided meditation on spotify / you tube to help calm your mind.

Lots of kind people here if you need to reach out. And as PPs have said, samaritans if it gets too much. Please do go and see your GP. Xxx

I’m so very very sorry OP. I have no advice at all but please do call on your family and friends when you feel you can. 💐 x

Reading how you managed her leaving you it’s so clear you did your job as mum and so much more. That was what she needed, to know you will be ok. And you will be. But you are not ok today and that’s alright too. Did you sleep at all?

Oh goodness, I’m so sorry for your loss. I haven’t lost a child but I have gone through a sudden bereavement and some people definitely go into physical shock (I did). Your poor body and mind are trying to process so much in one go and what you’re feeling is horrific but also absolutely normal. Like others have said, please contact your GP and ask for help. In my case, I was given a week’s worth of diazepam - it simply helped to stop the intense feelings of shock and it allowed me to at least function with feelings of panic.

Of course, everyone is different and you will find your own way of walking this road but in the early days, medication can help. Again, I’m so very sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your loss. Do you know about the Red hand files? www.theredhandfiles.com/this-crazy-thing-called-grief/

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. Your daughter sounded wonderful and you need to give yourself all the time you need to grieve and move forwards from the shock of it all. You may need medication to help with this, even in the short term, especially with sleep. Being exhausted won't help at all.

When you are ready you can reach out to your loved ones, but only you know when this will be. Sending a huge hug to you and your older daughter x

I’ll be truthful and say I have still not left my bed! I’ve got up to go to the toilet and get a drink and that’s about it. Feels like I’m not really in my own body. Tried to eat a little something and gagged straight away, just no appetite at all. Older daughter is strangely getting on with things. Of course I’m grateful she’s not breaking down in a corner somewhere but I don’t quite understand how it’s possible, I can’t see myself ever regaining any kind of normal ever again. To be honest, the only reason I’m still here is for her.

I’ve been feeling lots of guilt today….things I could have done differently, signs and symptoms I should have noticed sooner, more fun things I should have prioritised. All those times I was busy with meaningless and unimportant tasks that I should have spent making precious memories.

These few minutes I spend on here seem to be my only moments of calm when I’m thinking about what to write so thanks for allowing me to rant. As soon as I put my phone down though it’s like a train hits me and everything erupts again.

I still haven’t contacted my GP, I know I’ll need to because I’m not able to navigate this without some help and I have a lot to organise but the energy it takes to just open my mouth and speak is still too much. I have so many phone calls to return and messages to send, but not today. I’ll need to find some strength from somewhere for tomorrow though, I have arrangements to make and they’re coming to the house to chat about it all.

I hate this.

All this is very, very normal.
Baby steps.
Leave the phone calls and messages.
Just be, if you can.
You did all you could.

I am so, so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain you are in.

FWIW when I started antidepressants at a difficult time (not a bereavement) I found I was so messed up with sleep, food etc that if there were physical effects, I didn't notice them. Please contact your GP.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss xx

I'm so sorry you lost your lovely girl. That's such a terrible thing to happen.

I wonder if your elder daughter is trying not to react so that she can stay strong for you? She will grieve, but maybe it'll take a bit more time for her.

My heart goes out to you.

Honestly, bed is the best place for you right now. There's no wrong way or right way to be, what you describe sounds completely normal. Although I haven't been through the same grief, I understand how you don't have the energy to do the simple things.

Does your gp have an online consultation option? This might feel easier for you to submit, or perhaps you can ask your daughter to call on your behalf.

It sounds to me like she's running from reality, which again is normal. Eventually she'll run out of road.

❤️

Oh my goodness, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling, but my hunch is that everything you're feeling right now is absolutely normal. Please keep posting if it's giving you even a molecule of comfort and an outlet of sorts.
Thinking of you and your lovely daughter xx

I lost my son two years ago.. For about 2 months it was very hard to get myself out of bed and do anything, so I would say you're doing what we all do when something this major happens. Sleeping was nearly impossible, and I think I became very depressed. Two years later, I can talk about him and appreciate that he was part of my life, but even just writing this brings tears to my eyes. You sound completely normal to me!! Try to take one thing at a time, and just do what is exactly in front of you, and find something you like to eat and or drink (I don't drink alcohol) and try to take a walk even if you only go around one block. Seeing the sky and the sun and feeling the ground that is solid beneath your feet might help you; it still helps me.

Oh my love. I can hear the raw pain in your voice and it so resonates with me.

My DD1 died in October last year, totally unexpectedly, aged 24. She still lived at home with us and there was never a day that I did not speak to her and rarely a day I did not see her.

I spent the first few days in the same clothes. I did not even brush my hair or my teeth. I did not eat anything solid for months (even now I can’t swallow anything more solid than scrambled egg/porridge/soup). I did drink plenty of fluid though and always managed to sleep. My GP didn’t think anti depressants would be particularly helpful for me but did offer me a short course of Zopiclone (sleeping tablets) which I didn’t really need.

I threw myself into planning the funeral and it was magnificent. That brings me some comfort.

She is buried with my mother whom she adored and that also bring me some comfort. I arrange flowers for her every week.

I am 9 months on now. I’ve lost a lot of weight. I don’t socialise at all, don’t go out really. I have had EMDR to deal with the trauma of the circumstances of her death. And I’m having psychotherapy now. I credit the therapy and the need to stick around for my 2 younger children as the only reasons I’m still alive. I had very strong suicidal thoughts in the first few weeks. I needed just to take those times second by second. I found box breathing helpful when the panic started to overwhelm me.

Having said I don’t go out, I have started to go to a Buddhist centre once a week for a meditation session. That’s helpful too.

I miss my daughter every second still. There is never a sense of shock of remembering she is gone as I never forget the loss. I can’t really see that changing. But I am moderately functional now. I look presentable (albeit haggard) and started doing some work again recently.

There is a charity called Compassionate Friends for bereaved parents. I’m not ready to access their support. But they seem very good.

I am resigned to not feeling happy again. But I am no longer suicidal.

You are not alone in your grief. Those of us who have lost children are sadly not that uncommon.

I feel for you so much and hope you find some peace. I shall check back here to see how you are doing.

I send you love and understanding.

Hi I’m so so sorry for your tremendous loss. Some people find comfort in writing a journal just trying to write down some of your thoughts can help ease the pain slightly. It sounds like you were so close with your daughter it’s a huge space that’s been left. At the moment your daughter is taking up all of your brain power but just know that each day gradually gradually other things will start to creep in and distract you even a tiny bit. Holding space with you mind yourself xxxxx

I am so sorry @BrightBiscuit . I too lost my child, although she was an adult she was still my girl. It is such early days so take baby steps. Such grief affects us all so differently. I would constantly cry and even scream out loud at times and have been told this is normal. I won’t lie to you, it is brutal at first, but gradually a peace descended on me and I was able to cope. A lifeline for me has been the Sue Ryder online forums which were invaluable as you can chat online to others in similar circumstances and you don’t feel so alone. I want you to know that you will get through this. Sending you love, peace and a big hug.

Checking in @BrightBiscuit , I'm thinking of you and hope you managed a little sleep last night