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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Direct cremation ?

68 replies

ceecee32 · 05/02/2024 18:23

Does anyone have any experience of a direct cremation and if so, did you regret it?
Or do you have any thoughts...

My mum died at the weekend, she was 92 and I am her only relative.
I am veering towards a direct cremation as she was the last one left of all her group of friends. My friend says she would come with me and there are 3 elderly friends of my late stepdad who said they might be able to come but I'd have to get them there (one is 97 years old and the other 2 really don't sound well).
If they didn't or couldn't come I can't imagine anything worse than being there on my own.
Her neighbour and a friend who lives miles away have both said that my mum wasn't averse to a direct cremation . Whenever I asked her she just said she didn't care as she wouldn't be there.

In addition, there was a massive falling out between my mum and my stepdads 2 children and there has been no contact since he died almost 3 years ago. Having a direct cremation would mean that I couldn't be criticised for not telling them. They caused her so much distress that she didn't want them to know.
So a bit long I'm sorry, but I would be grateful for your opinions.
I'm happy that we said our goodbyes before she went
Thank you

OP posts:

Choux · 05/02/2024 18:29

Sorry for your loss.

I don't have experience of it but my mum is 91 and in a care home with dementia and I have thought that there would be so few people at any funeral that perhaps a direct cremation would be better.

My brother lives abroad so we would probably get together when the ashes were ready and do something nice just for us when we scattered them. We haven't scattered my dad's ashes yet as my brother came over three times last year and the last visit was for dad's funeral.

I think my mum would be ok with no funeral if I could talk to her about it but I can't as she has dementia. She sometimes talked about her funeral when she was in her 80s, fully functioning and watching her friends pass away. I used to joke with her that if she had wanted a big funeral she should have died young!

MoralOrLegal · 05/02/2024 18:29

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. My dad is 96 and hanging on by a thread. I am his only child, and he has outlasted my mum and all of their friends. I am planning a direct cremation for him in due course, and then a very small ceremony when I unite his ashes with those of my mum as per his wishes (which will just be attended by my own immediate family). It's not easy, but it sounds like the right thing in your situation.

Tremblingmadness · 05/02/2024 18:33

I had a friend who died six months ago.

He and his wife had chosen cremation through Pure Cremation.

The company were very efficient and their representative really lovely with my friends wife. His body was collected, cremated and the ashes returned for his wife to dispose of as she wished.

I was a little surprised when he told me of his plans but having thought it through and seen the process in action I have decided to change my wishes.

I have no desire to be buried, but loathe crematorium services. I am therefore suggesting to my DD, that she uses Pure Cremation, spreads my ashes in one of my favourite locations in the Dales and takes all my family and friends out for a fabulous meal afterwards.

Pacifybull · 05/02/2024 18:35

I don’t think you can attend a direct cremation.

Tremblingmadness · 05/02/2024 18:35

Just to add, I am sorry for your loss @ceecee32

Choux · 05/02/2024 18:37

Pacifybull · 05/02/2024 18:35

I don’t think you can attend a direct cremation.

I think OP is saying that if she had a traditional cremation service there would be only a handful of invited mourners most of whom are elderly, unwell and may not manage to attend. And she doesn't want to be the only person there.

CMOTDibbler · 05/02/2024 18:38

Both of my parents had unattended cremations as they died right at the start of covid so a service would have been me and my brother. No regrets, even though there would have been a lot of people at a normal funeral. Do something your mum would have liked and raise a glass to her

LSTMS30555 · 05/02/2024 18:43

My uncle had a direct cremation with pure cremations his body was picked up by them taken cremated and returned to the family so we could scatter his ashes at a Buddhist Monastery and the monk who was visiting him prior to his death had a little celebration of life for us before scattering his ashes at the alter in the grounds. It's exactly what he'd have wanted as he'd turned to Buddhism while teaching English in Cambodia.

NewYearTimeToChange · 05/02/2024 18:47

We did a direct cremation for DM as she wasn’t religious, had no friends left and only a few family to attend a service. We'd talked about it with her and decided where we would spread her ashes so when she died we knew we were doing what she wanted. It was strange knowing she was being cremated somewhere at some unknown time but other than that it was all done very respectfully and we had her ashes back quickly.

Snowpatrolling · 05/02/2024 18:53

My Nan is having a direct cremation, she has family but a lot of us dont talk, but we still all see Nan!
it suits me as I spent time worrying about seeing these people and know the rest of my family will have a gathering which is fine.
nan also thinks funerals are a waste of money so she’s glad that she got a cheap deal! 🤣
i also want a direct cremation and will leave some money for friends and my children to go for a McDonald’s!

BeaRF75 · 05/02/2024 18:55

I think direct cremations are a brilliant idea, OP, but you need to be aware that nobody is allowed to attend.

Original poster

ceecee32 · 05/02/2024 19:03

Awe thank you everyone. Yes @Choux was right. If we have a tradition funeral I really don't want to be the only one there.
I think I am feeling that a direct cremation might be the best option in the circumstances, its hard when there is no other family to discuss it with

OP posts:

Elvanseshortage · 05/02/2024 19:06

I am sorry for your loss OP.

My father died last year and we had a direct cremation for more or less the same reasons as you mention.

After the cremation I took a couple of months to think carefully about the best way to have a respectful ritual. He wanted his ashes to be buried in his father’s grave so I put together a graveside ceremony which honoured both him and his father and invited the few people who he was on speaking terms with. It was actually a lovely ceremony with just about 10 people. Even those who had fallen out with him came to it and because it wasn’t a formal funeral I don’t think anyone felt hypocritical or uncomfortable. We shared photos and stories (good and bad) and then went for a meal and plenty to drink. I’m really glad we didn’t have a formal cremation.

He and his father have a beautiful gravestone. I don’t think a formal cremation would have added anything.

EastLifer · 05/02/2024 19:12

I've used direct cremation for my mum and then we just had a small family thing at home once the ashes got back to welcome her home.

Life celebrations can be done anyway that works for you.

NewYearTimeToChange · 05/02/2024 19:15

We took DMs ashes to a special place that we had talked about. There were just a few of us there, we talked about our memories, spread her ashes and spent some time together. It was a sad day but uplifting too and so much more personal than a service in a crematorium. We have no regrets about doing it this way.

supermamio · 05/02/2024 19:22

A relative recently died and had a perfect cremation i think the funeral directors called it. They collected her from the care home and give us the option to see her one last time in there parlour before she was taken to be cremated. Was nice to have a few minutes for a final goodbye but no service or anything. Worked well for those who wanted to say goodbye.

Windmill34 · 05/02/2024 19:23

I’ve organised a direct funeral for myself as I have only 1 close friends. I have 4 sisters , 3 out of the 5 of us have a planned direct funeral
Sisters live in different borough’s and we’re all late 60’s .
I do have a son, but I want it all sorted now as it’s a bad enough time for the person without having a funeral to organise and I think he’d be glad I did.
plus as I’ve bought it now it’s a whole lot cheaper than say in 5 10 20 years time

i looked around at prices on the net and
Dignity came out cheapest £999

whiteroseredrose · 05/02/2024 19:42

We had a direct cremation for FIL a couple of weeks ago. The few remaining friends that they have are 3.5 hours away so would not be able to attend.

We used the Coop as they were a bit cheaper than Dignity locally but there was very little in it.

No regrets. FIL had always thought it was a waste of time. We took MIL to her old village overnight and had a fancy meal for her friends with photos of FIL around. MIL was able to reminisce with friends and actually enjoyed it.

wizzler · 05/02/2024 19:52

Had a direct cremation for my ddad. It was what he wanted ( didn't appreciate "faff" as he called it ) . Funeral director was very helpful . Ddad was 90 and was the last of his friends . There would only have been me and mum at a service.

It was ideal for us. I felt it was helpful that we had discussed it before he passed .

Sweetielou · 05/02/2024 20:26

Hi firstly sorry for your loss . I’m in the same situation as you , my mum passed away Tuesday. She only has one brother left who is in a care home with dementia. We have already had family arguments as my older brother and sister hadn’t seen mum for about 15 months even though she was in a care home10 minutes away from where they live . I can’t bare the thought of all there bloody tears when they didn’t give a dam about her . I will be talking to the funeral directors over the next few days and hopefully make my decision xx

Original poster

ceecee32 · 05/02/2024 21:17

@Sweetielou Sorry for your loss, I hope we both come to a decision that we ca live with and have no regrets.

OP posts:

MYSTERIOUSGIRL2024 · 05/02/2024 21:28

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm sure it's a heartbreaking time for you as well as stressful with decisions to be made. It's actually something that was on my mind a few days back on how I'd love my funeral to be & talked it over with my husband & I decided to go to direct cremation rather than all the fuss of a service, people turning up I have not seen in years or worse I can't stand & I'm not religious so to me having a service is such a waste of time for all. It's how you personally feel but more so think of how your Mum would want her funeral to be & that'll give you your answer your searching for. I've been to funerals where it's really not what the person would have wanted & it's sad they didn't get the send-off they'd have wanted!

BobnLen · 05/02/2024 21:41

I arranged one for my father, he lived 300 miles away and had very few friends left, he had wanted to leave his body for science but that wasn't possible. I felt we did the right thing and my brother and I had a small family thing afterwards. If we had had a funeral it would have likely been just us.

BobnLen · 05/02/2024 21:42

We used the Co op for this.

youhavenoidea123 · 06/02/2024 08:11

Our local funeral director is now offering this service. My 95 year old gran is very clear that this is what she wants. We are a small family and she had no friends. She has said she'd rather use the money saved to treat her great grandchildren.

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