Direct cremation ?

[ceecee32]

Does anyone have any experience of a direct cremation and if so, did you regret it?
Or do you have any thoughts...

My mum died at the weekend, she was 92 and I am her only relative.
I am veering towards a direct cremation as she was the last one left of all her group of friends. My friend says she would come with me and there are 3 elderly friends of my late stepdad who said they might be able to come but I'd have to get them there (one is 97 years old and the other 2 really don't sound well).
If they didn't or couldn't come I can't imagine anything worse than being there on my own.
Her neighbour and a friend who lives miles away have both said that my mum wasn't averse to a direct cremation . Whenever I asked her she just said she didn't care as she wouldn't be there.

In addition, there was a massive falling out between my mum and my stepdads 2 children and there has been no contact since he died almost 3 years ago. Having a direct cremation would mean that I couldn't be criticised for not telling them. They caused her so much distress that she didn't want them to know.
So a bit long I'm sorry, but I would be grateful for your opinions.
I'm happy that we said our goodbyes before she went
Thank you

Funerals are for those left behind. If you want a direct cremation, then just you do it. The very elderly ladies who may othetwise attend might be releived: if theyre all friends you could arrange an informal meal out afterwards.

@ceecee32 - We had a direct cremation for DFIL. He had become somewhat withdrawn at the end of his life and so I am not sure there would have been many who would have expected to be invited to a funeral. As it was we scattered his ashes in a place which mattered ( and he had saved DMILs from her traditional cremation so both scattered together in a place which mattered to both of them ) and we had DH's siblings and Uncle and Aunty to a nice meal afterwards.

No regrets at all.

My mum died 2 weeks ago and had a direct cremation yesterday, via Poppy’s Funerals, which we also used for my dad some years ago. It is possible to attend if you wish, but I didn’t. I’ll be collecting the ashes to scatter later. Can’t recommend the company too highly if you are in the London area. Really great but low key service. No regrets, it was exactly the right thing for us for similar reasons, and such a relief not to have a grim empty cremation service. Best wishes at this difficult time.

Thank you everyone, I am going with a direct cremation. I spoke to her neighbours who would have attended a service but Mum had discussed with them and told that she wasn't religious, didn't want a fuss and wanted to make it as easy for me as I haven't been well for a number of years.
I think if a service would be well attended I might have thought differently but just having 3 or 4 people there would have been awful.
We said everything that needed to be said to each other before she died and I don't need to be in an almost empty crematorium and listen to a few songs to remember her.
Thank you to everyone for your input xx

My mum passed in November and she didn't want a funeral,an absolute waste of money she said.
We honoured her wish as best we could (she always joked she wanted burying in the garden) so direct cremation it was.
We were told the date,time and location but we couldn't attend.
We got together as a little family in her house and raised a glass at the time of her cremation.
It was lovely and no social pressure to dress gloomy,socialise with relatives we hadn't seen for decades or wipe other people's crocodile tears.
I'd absolutely do it again if I was in the position of planning another funeral x
Sorry for your loss

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

If it helps, I've put a direct cremation request in my will and added the reason why. I've said don't waste money on a funeral. If they want to celebrate that I've gone (!) then that's up to them! But don't waste money on dead me when that money could help them.

It might differ countrywide, but my cousin died and his family chose direct cremation. They said it was lovely, they were there with the coffin, playing his favourite music. Ashes were sent to them later. They then had a wake in the pub for him.

From experience, you can have a max of 8/10 people.

To give a different perspective. My father died a couple of weeks ago and is having a direct cremation next week. I am surprised at how much the idea of it distresses me. Before he died I saw the adverts and thought it was a good idea and a sensible option. Now the time is here the thought of sending him off to be cremated, alone, just feels awful, I actually feel unable to get past it at the moment. So it is possible to approve of the concept of direct cremation but feel differently when the time comes.

In my case my father did not state that he wanted a direct cremation and actually left money for a funeral, which I am aware is affecting my feelings about the situation.

Odd. All the ones I’ve looked at are clear you can’t attend. There’s no set time for the cremation either, so people wouldn’t know when to even attend. eg, the Co-Op:

• Mourners, including family or friends, cannot attend the crematorium on the day

My dad has opted for a direct cremation. He doesn’t like fuss and doesn’t see the point. I’m going to do the same. I think funerals are painful, morbid and unnecessary occasions that no one enjoys going to. The dead don’t care as they are, well, dead.

Instead, I’d prefer my ashes scattered somewhere I love and for my friends and family to have a lovely party or dinner on me and give money to my favourite charities. Far better use of £10k.

We recently lost a v close family member and the wait between death and the funeral was so stressful, it made me even more determined not to have a funeral.

Condolences to Ceecee32 and everyone on here

Also in the same boat, having lost DMIL on Saturday. We are going with Pure Cremation - they offer an attended cremation option. It is in Andover, but can be more local if required, though our "local option" was over an hour away, and could only be at 8am (we're in Somerset). PC have any music you chose, to play during the 30 mins. They sent the paperwork and collected the body after OH had signed it, at the weekend.

Slightly off topic, we called the local registrar on Monday morning and had to wait until Weds pm for an appointment to get the death certificate.

OH took this to Barclays (where MIL had banked), he had PoA, the will - he's the only child and executor etc, along with the Pure Cremation invoice (online), and the bank insisted on a hard copy on headed paper, which PC are now sending us. If we had known, we could have asked for this sooner! It's all there on the Barclays website, but we didn't read it, as never imagined it would be an issue. The upshot is we haven't paid yet, and unable to arrange a date. This information may help others.

It’s becoming more popular. Friend had this for her mother, not because of limited guests as she was a popular lady and not that old, but I guess it was her wish. They had a get together a month later to celebrate her life in a way she would have approved of

I did one for dh. No regrets.

It took some of the stress away.

Sorry for your loss, my mum died three months ago and after seeing the cost my nana, her mum, has said she wants a direct cremation. Wev priced it (south west Scotland) and its 1000 pounds. We will then just have like a memorial for her the immediate family.

We did this with Dad. Had a little memorial service at his housing community centre place.

Worked out nicely.

Collected the ashes a few months later and scattered in his favourite place (Cornwall, in to the ocean - where his heart was)

Agree, it was a 3 week wait for my mums in November and I felt like I was living in Limbo with a dark cloud over me not truly able to start grieving whilst waiting for it as I was so apprehensive about it. I think a direct cremation then a memorial get together with immediate family/friends when suits you is better if you still want to celebrate their life.

OP, we did direct cremation for my parents. On unattended, one attended.

We had done our own little goodbyes and send off at home, both died at home.

We arranged it through the local j detainers, you don’t need a specialist company.

Attended, they played the music we had asked for, very sensitive, we just sat with the box for a few minutes inside the crematorium room listening to parents favourite music and left with it playing. Went for a walk and a lovely lunch.

It suited us very well.

Yes, I've been told that by a celebrant. She knew of cases of family turning up at the crematorium, because they didn't understand what it entailed.

My late husband's ex was unhappy because her sister had organised her own direct cremation. She felt offended by it - which seems a bit weird to me, since her sister was obviously trying to avoid giving the family trouble.

ETA Have just read the post above mine. So it seems that there are two different types?

You can attend a direct cremation, look at the T&C of the crematorium. The undertakers can advise.

We recently had a direct cremation for DH. His choice.
I really battled with whether to change it to an attended funeral or not but, on discussing it with adult DC, we stuck with unattended cremation.
That said, we used a local funeral director who did tell us the time and date and who said we were welcome to stand by the building entrance and watch DH go in.
On the day he said we could watch at the door whilst they took DH down but couldn’t enter the building or that changed it to an attended cremation, which I thought was fair enough. We were just very grateful to get the opportunity to be there. Once the funeral directors left DH the curtains closed around him and they came outside, the lovely person who works at the crematorium then came out and invited us to sit in the chapel with DH for 5 minutes. When we were sat there it hit me how many people would have been in there to say goodbye, so many people had asked. I feel I’ve robbed them of the opportunity to say their goodbyes but there isn’t a lot I can do about it now. We will do service when we have the ashes back and invite people then.

We had a direct cremation for my Dad. We were told the date and time (the venue was a long distance away) - didn't attend. They returned his ashes and we paid for a lovely varnished wooden box with a brass name plate. A while later we took the ashes to a venue where my mum's ashes were buried. We had a short ceremony at the site and Dad's ashes were buried next to mum's. They each had stone slabs with their names etc etched on. We had a buffet etc after at a local pub.
It was much nicer than seeing a coffin (did that with mum). My husband and I have both said we will have direct cremations .

When people are very old and all their friends have already died before them there are few people left to come to a regular funeral. If she said she didn't care how she was cremated I'd take her at her word. Once you get the ashes back you could have them buried in a garden of remembrance if you wanted too. My Aunt had a regular funeral as over 10 years ago now and I think the Direct Cremations are more on trend ATM, ever since COVID. Aunts ashes were buried in a rose garden of remembrance though and she has a little mini headstone with plaque on it.

If he left money for a traditional funeral he's sort of told you what he wants. The funeral service is for those left behind to make them realise death is final. If you see it with your own eyes it's more real to you possibly.

My dad had a direct cremation. My dad wanted as cheap as possible funeral (he thought the price was horrendous for grieving families) and there was no way I would have been able to attend a funeral. I couldn't face it. The only thing that marred it was I was scared about people judging me for having one. But now when I talk about it occasionally, I'm surprised at the number of people that enthusiastically tell me that's what they'd like.