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Original poster

what would you have liked people to say to you after you lost a baby

53 replies

Domesticgodlessyemerrygents · 21/12/2007 12:31

I ask because 2 people I know slightly but not well have lost los in tragic circumstances recently. One at work, one at ds1's school. People seem either to be avoiding them or the topic in general. Have said to both 'I'm so sorry' etc & sent cards, now I don't know if it would be considered rude/insrusive to ask 'how are you feeling' etc.

The only thing I have to go on is that after my own mc 4 years ago I was really angry and bitter generally, and no one could say much that was right to me. I almost preferred that everyone ignored it and didn't ask, but I know that isn't the right way for everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Domesticgodlessyemerrygents · 21/12/2007 12:31

intrusive, sorry

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UnquietDad · 21/12/2007 12:33

After DW's mc she got quite upset - as did I - by the fact that people didn't mention it and seemed happier to chat about the weather, TV etc. We wanted to talk about it and move on. But that isn't the right way for everyone. So it's difficult.

curiouscat · 21/12/2007 12:46

I tend to follow the other person's lead, maybe hint at it or leave it open and if they change the subject don't bang on about it. After my second mc I was too upset to tell anyone it had happened at all and this saved dealing with well meaning but hurtful comments. As you say there's nothing people can say that you want to hear sometimes - how are you reminds you when you weren't thinking abou it, ignoring it makes you feel they're belittling your loss etc.

Definitely don't avoid the person. You've sent cards which is plenty of acknowledgement imo and they know where you are if they want to talk. Good luck.

chrissnow · 21/12/2007 12:46

2 of my best friends have been through this. I called and asked how are you? Do you need to talk. 1 said I'm fine and glossed over the subject and I took the cue and we had the most superficial conversation we have ever had, but clearly that's what she needed. The other sobbed and talked about the whole experience in great detail and I just let her rant and cry. I think all you can do is ask how they are and be receptive to whatever cue you get.

dustystaronthechristmastreeMSC · 21/12/2007 12:48

I don't think there is a right thing to say. After my MC some people said stupid things and others offered the usual platitudes.TBH I only really cared about poeple close to me and it didn't really matter what they said - i just needed hugs.

HeartOnMySleeve · 21/12/2007 12:53

I had 2 mmc's last year, yet found myself not knowing what to say when a closr friend of mine suffered the same. I just said something like:

"Can I ask how you are feeling? I understand if you dont want to talk about it; can I just give you a hug?"

Gumbo · 21/12/2007 12:57

I've had 2 MCs in the last 6 months. Very few people who knew about them (including family) even so much as acknowledged them, which I found immensely hurtful.

I definitely wanted people to at least say 'I'm so sorry to have heard...' rather than to completely ignore my grief.

(What I definitely DIDN'T want for for my SIL to say 'I know exactly how you feel' when she has never been through anything like that herself )

3rdontheway · 21/12/2007 13:08

I had a missed miscarriage last weekend and its only 5 days since my d and c. im only glad i didnt tell a lot of people outside the family as its too painful for me to talk about in real life. I broke down when i told my friends. And they mostly just said sorry to hear about it. And i really didnt want to keep talking about it anyway. My family have been listening to me and helping me get over this. its been a horrible week and a horrible thing for any one to go through. So far no one has been insensitive.

Original poster
Domesticgodlessyemerrygents · 21/12/2007 13:08

gumbo so horrible for you that your family did not acknowledge your losses

I needed acknowledgement from friends and family but also for them not to go on and on (Got loads of foot in mouth comments from them like 'you will have another one' and my mother broadcasting the news of the loss to loads of aunts and cousins etc who hadn't even known I was pregnant...)

I just wonder if a relative stranger bringing up the issue of feelings etc is too much, & probably there is no right answer to that.

OP posts:
3rdontheway · 21/12/2007 13:24

Ive just realised i should change my name to something else

Gumbo · 21/12/2007 13:31

3rdontheway

curiouscat · 21/12/2007 18:07

Domestic and 3rd I really sympathise. My MIL broadcasted my pregnancy having been sworn to secrecy and I ended up receiving a congratulatory phone call from my SIL while lying in bed bleeding trying not to miscarry. (was a mc in the end) People can be so rubbish, but it did mean we never told MIL anything again

whomovedmychocolate · 21/12/2007 18:11

I desperately wanted someone to ask me if I wanted to talk about it. And I just wanted to talk about all the hopes and dreams I'd had for the baby.

Unfitmother · 21/12/2007 18:11

I was upset when people didn't say anything, it's good to ackowledge it as you did.

whomovedmychocolate · 21/12/2007 18:13

Also my friend said: 'look, I know you are having a shit time, let's just go out and have a coffee and a piece of cake and watch the silly tarts at the Debenhams make up counters trying to flog slap to old wimmen'.

It was such an unlikely idea, we did it and I really had a half hour break from everything. Which did help.

StarlightMcKenzie · 21/12/2007 18:20

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Message withdrawn

merrylissiemas · 21/12/2007 18:22

it depends on the situation. after my first couple of mc's i didnt want to talk about it i wanted to pretend it hadnt happened, but with the ones since i get very angry if people dont acknowledge that i have lost babies. not just "bundles of cells" or embryos. if i dont talk about it then i feel like it'll be forgotten. i got very cross on the 1st oct (my edd for my ep) when none of our families seemed to remember but then my sil rang me up and gently asked how i was feeling. sometimes it just helps when others acknowledge what is for many women a life-changing event.

hope im making sense.

CremolaFirCone · 21/12/2007 18:27

just a phone call with an offer to meet for coffee and a chance to talk about it or not.
Definitely not a card or email. definitely not to have people ignore it or not mention it.definitely not for other people to say
'there'll be other chances'
(there wasn't)
or
well at least you've got a child already
(yes but i wanted the one i lost and dd is not a consolation prize)
or
'theres IVF and they can do wonders these days'
( when i had already tried IVF 6times and it hadnt worked)
or 'maybe you were not meant to have children'
(oh fuck off)

all of these are examples of real conversations

KashaSarrasin · 21/12/2007 18:33

With both of my m/cs, I hadn't told anyone about being pg (other than DH!), but told a very few people afterwards - for me, just a "I'm so sorry, do you want to talk" really helped. After the last m/c, a friend came round with a huge bunch of beautiful flowers and we had a good chat over a cup of tea, I really felt much better afterwards.

SquonkaClaus · 21/12/2007 18:37

after my mc, a lady that I hardly knew (and tbh didn't really like very much) just marched over to me and gave me a hug. She said that she had heard what had happened and she was SO sorry.

I howled but it was so good to let it out. I hardly ever saw her before or since, but for that one act of empathy, I shall always love her a little bit.

LilRedMummyGiraffe · 21/12/2007 18:38

With both of my MCs I was happier when people didn't hide from it. Just saying, "I'm sorry for your loss" can mean so much as it acknowledges your baby's existence as a person.

If you feel like you need to do more, just ask how they are feeling and if they fancy going for a coffee. Tell them if they want to talk you are more than happy to, but if they'd rather talk about something else then that's fine too. Just knowing that you care and understand will mean the world.

differentbutthesame · 21/12/2007 18:51

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Izzybel · 21/12/2007 18:53

I don't think that asking how they are feeling would seem intrusive, as they could say as much or as little as they wanted to. Also, "how are you feeling?" is quite a general question so it's not really bringing the subject up if they don't want to talk about it. The fact that you have acknowleged their loss by sending cards was really kind of you, especially as you say you only know them slightly . When I had my mc I really felt like I wanted to talk about it with someone, but members of my family would quickly change the subject if I brought it up and that used to upset me. There are no right things to say, but as Cremola has demonstrated, there are plenty of wrong things to say. One I got was, "you can try again" grr!

zeebee · 21/12/2007 19:50

Domesticgodless - do you mean by mc or death of a baby? Asking how are you doing rather than feeling is a good approach. A subtle difference but one which can help the person answer. Defintely not avoiding the subject helps, but so does normal chit chat.
There are a couple of really good links on this board about dealing with people's grief, what to say and not to say which may help. Shouldn't be hard to find as are fairly recent.

Original poster
Domesticgodlessyemerrygents · 21/12/2007 20:03

zeebee, my work colleague miscarried her twins at 21 weeks , I hardly know her as it's a new job but had just met her when it happened, she seems like one of the nicest people I've ever met but obviously so devastated right now.

The other lady at ds's school actually lost her little boy just after birth . It seems so unfair that these horrible things should have to happen.

Neither are what I would call friends, they are acquaintances whom I had always liked and wanted to get to know better. That's why offering a hug etc might seem a bit intrusive, or weird them out. I did send my colleague an Xmas card saying I hoped to see more of her in the New Year but that's it.

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