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Original poster

what would you have liked people to say to you after you lost a baby

53 replies

Domesticgodlessyemerrygents · 21/12/2007 12:31

I ask because 2 people I know slightly but not well have lost los in tragic circumstances recently. One at work, one at ds1's school. People seem either to be avoiding them or the topic in general. Have said to both 'I'm so sorry' etc & sent cards, now I don't know if it would be considered rude/insrusive to ask 'how are you feeling' etc.

The only thing I have to go on is that after my own mc 4 years ago I was really angry and bitter generally, and no one could say much that was right to me. I almost preferred that everyone ignored it and didn't ask, but I know that isn't the right way for everyone.

OP posts:
SquonkaClaus · 21/12/2007 20:07

when the woman came and gave me a hug, it was strange, possibly intrusive and very out of character for both her and for me (I don't really "do" hugging strangers) but in the circumstances, it was just so right.

I'm not saying that it is right for everyone or for every set of circumstances, but if it feels right at the time, don't be frightened to just hug her. And if you do hug her, don't worry when she cries all over you. If this does happen, no words are necessary.

Upsidedowncake · 21/12/2007 20:19

Not people saying, 'I know someone who conceived (insert time) after their ectopic'.

For some reason, that really got my goat as my body was still 'pregnant' with the first one. And I hadn't decided whether to try again or not. And about three or four people said it to me.

But I agree with the others about taking the lead from the person, and asking whether they want to talk about it.

3rd let us know your new name so we don't lose you.

Original poster
Domesticgodlessyemerrygents · 21/12/2007 20:22

ikwym Upsidedown, it is as if people are wishing your lost baby out of history almost. It's like 'forget that one and get on with it', when you need to grieve.

OP posts:
cmotdibbler · 21/12/2007 20:25

One thing that would have meant a lot to me would be for anyone to mark (even in the littlest way) the EDDs of the babies I miscarried. After the third, I got a necklace with birth stones for each one from La Belle Dame, and I find it a great comfort.

hazygirl · 21/12/2007 20:28

it guts me its a year later andso many people think we should b ok esp now we have new addition freinds/ have even asked why his photos r still up it does u no good

zeebee · 21/12/2007 20:32

Domestic, how awful. It's all so senseless isn't it. What a lot of lost hopes and dreams. Not really been in those circumstances. Taking the lead from the person can be good, I know my friends do, but bear in mind for some reason it can be extremely hard for the bereaved person to make the approach to talk, rather than someone opening up the opportunity, if that makes any sense. I put fingers to keyboard and become inarticulate. Also sometimes it is easier to talk to people you know less well. You sound like you are being very caring and most importantly not frightened to address these losses.

sfxmum · 21/12/2007 20:35

to OP when I was expecting dd one of my colleagues was expecting has well and our dates were within a week of each other.

I went into labour, which was quite long, sent her a message when it was all over wishing her well.
turns due to complications her child suffered irreversible brain damage and was kept alive for a few hrs attached to machines and was pronounced dead as mine was born.

I was informed through friends and kept in touch through friends as they felt it too hard to see me let alone my child.
I wrote to her nearly a year later and we met and pretty much just hugged and cried.
she was then expecting her second child.

Personally I have suffered a few miscarriages, last one quite recently and I appreciate it being acknowledged, that is enough for me.
I remember after a D&C some years back the matron in the ward just gave me a hug and I cried for the first time that week.

sorry about the long post

minouminou · 22/12/2007 00:26

asking why his photos are still up hazygirl?
because he bloody well existed, that's why
how insensitive and - well - almost cruel

TEUCHywithallthetrimmings · 22/12/2007 00:32

I had a friend who said she knew how I was feelin as she had her abortion the day I was in getting my d&c after missed mc

I honestly don't know who I felt more sad for, since her loss was just as valid as mine, choice being a slippery concept and all that...

I liked that people acknowledged it, but I hated that my MIL insinted in saying her 'grandchild' like it was her loss...I suppose it was but it totally undermined how I was feeling.

NowTheHollyBearsABero · 22/12/2007 00:33

I've had three mcs. IMO nothing at all insensitive about asking how you are feeling. The oh-well-you-can-try-again thing was (IMO) the worst. I actually found it perversely belpful when my gyn talked about how often pgs go wrong in the early stages and how much has to go right for it to work out. But a glib oh-it's-nature's-way would be absolutely the wrong thing.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2007 00:35

I think the worst comment I got was taht it was for the best because there was probably something wrong with my baby.

Also comments about how I should be grateful for the two lovely girls I've got. Well, duh, I am! But I miss my baby who died, too.

BBBee · 22/12/2007 00:51

i found any acknowledgemenyt of my pain and hurt helpled. i dojn;rt know why.

3rdontheway · 22/12/2007 01:42

Reading the insensitive things people have said makes me feel and also . I dont think people can understand unless they have been through it as i had no idea what how bad it feels physically and emotionally till it happened to me. I was so looking forward to the baby coming in June now its not happening i just feel and guilty that my body let me down.

I dont know what name to use upsidedowncake
as i actually had another name i use on mn and changed it to this as i discovered i was pregnant. I hadnt said i was pregnant on here under my original name.

TEUCHywithallthetrimmings · 22/12/2007 08:33

3rdontheway I am SO sorry you are going through this - I hope you are getting the support you need.

3rdontheway · 22/12/2007 11:26

Im just glad this website is here to give everyone support who needs it. I dont know how women coped years ago when things werent talked about and you had to get on with things

LoveAngelGabriel · 22/12/2007 11:29

After my m/c a lot of people said things like 'maybe it wasn't meant to be', 'maybe it means there was something wrong with the baby' etc. This was NOT what I wanted to hear. People saying 'I'm so sorry' was enough for me, personally. Just to know they had acknowledged it was good, and it left the ball in my court - I could talk about it if i wanted to (which wasn't often) or we could move on to another topic.

vio · 22/12/2007 22:59

I think everyone is different so i am just sharing my opinion . i know it's hard for others, they just don't know what's the right thing to say. I lost my son in Sept so its been 3 months now. This christmas is such a contrast to the same time last year when i was expecting my first baby boy.

I don't know what others think but personally I don't mind people mentioning about my baby boy cos I do feel that people want to avoid talking about him, they perhaps want to talk about something else which..in my opinion, it's even harder for me cos i cannot just talk about general stuff like nothing has ever happened ....perhaps they believe talking about my son will upset me...the truth is, i miss my baby son and can never forget him..i like to talk about him, how brave he was cos i am very proud of him..

Sometimes, it feels like everyone expect you to move on..yes, i have moved on and i am not miserable but talking about my son is ok..really.

I have to say when people say to me ...it's probably better he passed away as a baby or don't worry, you are still young, you can try again.. i dont know why, i know they mean well, but words like these upset me.

I also don't like the word 'poor',you poor thing or poor baby.

I think when people now say to me/ how are you feeling? that's lovely thing to say...

ladylush · 22/12/2007 23:12

What I find difficult is when I mention my m/cs and people look very uncomfortable or change the subject.

ladylush · 22/12/2007 23:14

vio - so very sorry to hear that you lost your baby

vio · 22/12/2007 23:15

thanks ladylush. when was the mc?

ladylush · 22/12/2007 23:16

The most recent was July. Would've been due 12th Jan.

vio · 22/12/2007 23:17

sorry to hear that, how many weeks? if you don't mind me askiing? and how are you feeling now?

ladylush · 22/12/2007 23:23

12 weeks when I found out. It had stopped developing between 8-9 weeks though (after I had seen the heartbeat in a scan and all was well). I hadn't allowed myself to hope until that scan (had 2 m/c before at an earlier stage)and hence the crash was hard to deal with. I feel sad atm and wish I could hibernate and wake up in the summer - and be pregnant in the second trimester How are you feeling? It must be so difficult with Christmas a few days away

Original poster
Domesticgodlessyemerrygents · 22/12/2007 23:34

Really sorry for your losses ladylush. I had a very similar experience at a scan at 12 weeks in 2003. I hadn't seen a heartbeat previously though, that must be particularly hard.

OP posts:
vio · 22/12/2007 23:35

so, you have had 3 mcs? i'm very sorry, i think though you have never met them, they remain in your heart.

My son was born with a very rare genetic disorder called Epidermolysis Bullosa, he's a very good looking boy though and very brave as well.

I think sometimes i feel sad, yes, if i have to be honest but i am not a miserable person and i am stronger now and want to be positive..

Yes, i wish hes healthy and wish he's with us this christmas but then wherever he is now, i know he can see santa, am sure your little angels can too.

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