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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Mum moving on soon after dad’s death

74 replies

Fleabagster · 03/10/2020 23:12

My dad died in March. My mum told me today that a friend she made not long after he died has become something more now. I feel REALLY weird about it. Has anyone else had this? It just feels so soon. I want her to be happy but this feels weird...

OP posts:

Haybo26 · 03/10/2020 23:15

Good on her. I'd love my mum to find new happiness in her life, she deserves it. Alas she sits home alone. Your mum's happiness is important regardless of how you feel. Its her life after all.

Original poster

Fleabagster · 03/10/2020 23:19

Of course. I want her to be happy. I wouldn’t tell her how I feel but also I can’t help these initial feelings. I’m still grieving my dad and I think my feelings are valid? I’m sure it’ll get easier.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2020 23:20

I'm so sorry about your dad. Was he ill for a long time before he died?

Pipandmum · 03/10/2020 23:23

Yes your feelings are valid. But you do not know what went on in your parents marriage. Perhaps she misses the love and companionship and is happy to have found someone else. Or perhaps she is lonely and vulnerable to anyone showing her some affection. Keep an eye out. But be pleased for her - do not make her feel guilty.

Original poster

Fleabagster · 03/10/2020 23:23

He was on a decline for a while but didn’t have a particular illness. In the end it was a combination of things that killed him. We were all preparing ourselves for a month or two beforehand but it was still a shock.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fleabagster · 03/10/2020 23:25

I don’t think she has anything to feel guilty about.
It’s just hard to get my head around it all.

OP posts:

Haybo26 · 03/10/2020 23:28

You will both be grieving in different ways. All you can do is accept your mums decision. Take care x

MJMG2015 · 03/10/2020 23:30

@Fleabagster (((HUG)))

I'd have been very upset if my Mum had started seeing someone so soon. (My Dad died suddenly, I'm not sure if I'd have felt differently if he'd had a long illness.)

You can respect she has her own life & want her to be happy, but barely 6 months is very fast, and you're entitled to feel upset by it x

How old is your Mum?

A decade on I'd still feel upset (because my Dad should still be here!!!) but it would be nice to see some life in her eyes again & genuine happiness.

Take care, it's hard losing your Dad xx

foreverandalways · 03/10/2020 23:33

My mum died 7 years ago and my dad met someone within a few months..will never accept it and he knows that but it's his life....makes me very sad

Esspee · 03/10/2020 23:37

Be happy for your mum.

combatbarbie · 03/10/2020 23:41

Was talking about this as we have a recent widower at work who has a new friend. Tbh whilst he was devastated at the time, it was, and by his own words, a blessing in disguise. we are all happy for him. Our work team is very close knit.

It seems quite common for widowed people to meet someone else within 6-12months. They aren't trying to replace the loved one though, just fill the companionship gap I think.

daisydalrymple · 03/10/2020 23:52

I once read that when a spouse dies, if they were in a loving, happy relationship it’s more common for them to find love again much quicker than if they’d been not so happy. This is because they know how much happiness they had and are able to be open to that again.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/10/2020 23:53

foreverandalways

Do you mean you don't accept your dad or his new partner now?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2020 00:01

@foreverandalways

My mum died 7 years ago and my dad met someone within a few months..will never accept it and he knows that but it's his life....makes me very sad

Why? What has he done wrong?

peakygal · 04/10/2020 00:10

I am a widow almost 5 years now. 5 months after my husband passed I randomly met another man. We used to speak every so often and then it fell into place that we spoke every day. A few months in I thought I had feelings but I eventually realised it was trying to get back what I lost and had desperately missed. Thank god I kept it to myself because we are like the best of friends now..Purely platonic. He has really helped me through some dark times. Your DM is probably very lonely and very scared of that but ride it out with her and see how it goes. Its a hard road for you both x

katy1213 · 04/10/2020 00:15

@foreverandalways Your poor dad.

honkytonkheroe · 04/10/2020 10:18

My dad was widowed at 62 and was v happily married to my mum and heart broken when she died. Yet within 12-18 months he'd met someone else who was 22 years his junior. Even that was far to early for me and my sister. He went through a strange stage where he'd treat me and my sister as if we were just friends, telling us stuff that was a bit inappropriate. To cut a long story short, he stayed with her and he sadly died 18 months ago. We were never keen on her (though never said that to him) and everything that has happened since his death has proved us to be right. I can remember how hard it was in the early days though, him talking about her and seeing them together. I was in my mid 20s then and my sister in her early 30s. It did get a whole lot easier with time. I think you've got no choice but to support your mum, as hard as it is. We were advised not to voice any opinion as it would push my dad away and closer to her, and I think that it was the right thing to do.

Original poster

Fleabagster · 04/10/2020 10:41

Thanks for your replies everyone, particularly those of you who have been through it yourselves or just offered a hug. It is much appreciated.

OP posts:

Mixington · 04/10/2020 10:49

Sorry for your loss op.

It does feel early and you are totally allowed to feel weird about it. Grief is confusing and your parents meeting someone else regardless of your age or the situation is also a lot to get your head around.

This might be uncomfortable op, but what was your parents’ marriage like? Among the 60+ year olds that I know, many were dedicated to their marriages but quite often out of obligation rather than love and those who have lost a spouse have sometimes felt freer, despite still being heartbroken having lost their lifelong-partners and their shared history. But several people of that generation have been quite repressed in their marriages.... maybe this isn’t true for your parents so apologies if this is coming across as insensitive.

Mindymomo · 04/10/2020 10:51

My MIL died on a Tuesday and my FIL was having lunch with a female friend on the Friday. This friendship, was in our opinion selfish, but he had looked after his wife the past year, so we couldn’t really blame him. It fizzled out after a year, then he became poorly, so looking back now we are glad he had this female friend.

WeAllHaveWings · 04/10/2020 11:05

Sorry for your loss op, it does feel early and I would be concerned my mum was getting into a relationship while still grieving and vulnerable.

But she is an adult who can make her own decisions so I would support her and keep my reservations and feelings to myself.

Remember this man is not there to fill, and never will fill, the huge gap your dad has left in your lives. His role in your mums life will be very different and you get to choose the role he plays in yours, try to keep an open mind as he could be good for your mum.

Sophoa · 05/10/2020 11:03

When someone is ill and their quality of life diminishes the relationship between partners fundamentally changes and much of the grieving for the loss of the marriage, the relationship and the future can happen before the death. The grieving after the death can be a mixture of sadness but also relief from being in a marriage which ceased to be the marriage they knew. The raw desperation may well not be there, just an aching loneliness and sadness.

To find a companionship and a friendship in that time never replaces the lost partner but it makes life a little bit happier where the joy has been missing during the partners decline.

I think that it might be a bit different if the death comes out of nowhere but often the remaining partner has processed much of the grief before the death.

And to the poster who still won't accept their father's partner 7 years on, then unless she's a truly awful woman, this is about you and you need to deal with it

Original poster

Fleabagster · 05/10/2020 12:05

Thanks all. Your different opinions have helped. My mum is an amazing woman and I just want her to be happy and ok. My feelings are valid, I do know that and I know most people would feel the same. It’s up to me to work through them.
Losing a parent is so bloody hard! I feel for everyone in the same position. Xxx

OP posts:

Sophoa · 05/10/2020 12:38

@Fleabagster of course you feel weird, it is weird to think of your mum with someone who isn’t your dad and it’s ok to feel weird. But so long as the man is a good person and treats your mum as you and your dad would wish her to be treated and doesn’t try and step into your dads shoes then It’s weird but it’s ok and your mum isn’t doing anything wrong and remember, it will never diminish or minimise the relationship she had with your dad. But cruel as it sounds, she’s here and she needs to do what she can to be happy

VictoriaBun · 05/10/2020 12:40

My dad died aged 53 ,my mum was 51 at the time. She never dated or met anyone else and died aged 79 . Would you want that for her ?

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