Mum moving on soon after dad’s death

[Fleabagster]

My dad died in March. My mum told me today that a friend she made not long after he died has become something more now. I feel REALLY weird about it. Has anyone else had this? It just feels so soon. I want her to be happy but this feels weird...

Hi OP 6 months on there could be loads going on. I met lots of young widowers in a support group who were simply not prepared to be alone so were dating before being ready, some just to escape the pain and loneliness and literally anyone would do, others because they didn't feel like a valid whole person if single, others because they had grieved for a long time in anticipation of the loss etc. We are all different. What was universal though was the it hurts some others to see us moving on because it seems like the one who died didn't matter. I'm not saying that's true but it can feel that way.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you don't feel you can't talk about your dad anymore.

My mum had an accident and long story short, after a few years of semi-recovery and then decline (with my dad doing a brilliant job of looking after her), developed a form of dementia (fronto-temporal) as a direct result of the accident and ended up having to go into a nursing home (and died 1.5 years later).

I was fully supportive of dad's decision.

Subsequent to that, my dad met an old Uni friend of his (so c50+ years ago) at a reunion (Uni was in the country that mum and dad were from). She'd been his best friend's girlfriend at uni - although she went on to marry someone else. They got together subsequent to that reunion: she was widowed and although my mum was still "alive", she had in practice "gone"

I was happy about it as his lady friend knew about Mum & Dad's history - "the hottest thing on campus" and that they'd remained truly in love, a golden couple as one of my friends described them. She in no way tried to replace Mum's place in Dad's heart.

I'm just glad Dad has someone to share his life with. She lives in another country so they only meet up for a couple of months at a time (and at the moment can't because of Corona virus restrictions). I might have felt differently if she'd been a gold digging harlot younger than me rather than a kind lady my dad's age

Mum was and is special and Dad and I still share happy memories of her (with time - she died 8 years ago - it becomes easier to remember the "real" person and the good times , rather than the sadness of the last few years). His new" lady friend has brought him friendship and companionship and doesn't try to compete with mum's memory.

I'm not saying you're right or wrong to feel the way you do: just giving a different perspective from my experience

This happened with my mum and I found it very hard; I was massively caught between wanting her to be happy and just having these really distressing feelings of it being too soon. It’s got easier as time has gone on but even now 10 years on I still look back and think it was too soon although I’ve never said that to my mum

@user1493413286 why was it too soon? Genuine question? How could you judge it was too soon?. Too soon for your mum? Too soon for you to deal with it? Too soon because of what others might think?

I know it’s difficult but you have to separate your love and relationship you had with your dad with your parents marriage.
Yes your feelings are valid but please don’t share them as she is not responsible for how you feel about this.

My dad moved on very quickly after my mum died, they had been together nearly 30 years. I've never understood it, I can't see myself doing the same in his circumstances, but if he's happy, I'm happy. My siblings have been quite up front with him about their dislike of his new partner and it just causes stress where there doesn't need to be any in my view.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. We all grieve differently, it doesn't mean she loved him any less.

My Dad had a gf within about 6 weeks of my mum dying. It did feel odd, but tbh he seemed very happy, he'd got his social life back and seemed to be enjoying life again. My mum had dementia so he'd been her carer for about 4 years. I think he'd accepted long ago that she wasn't the lady he married 45 years ago, and had almost mourned her before she died.

It did feel a bit odd to start with, but he's in a good place and happy. I've met her and she seems very nice. They have no intention of living together but do socialise a lot and I think she enables him to have some company in the evening, especially during COVID.

You say your feelings are valid OP but in what context? In terms of your relationship with both your mum and your late dad, nothing has changed.

My mum found a new partner two years after my dad died (following a short illness) and I was pretty shocked at the time, even though I knew my parents' marriage hadn't been a bed of roses. It was just... weird. Especially as it was a 'whirlwind romance' with the new partner - they met on a coach holiday and were an item by the end of the week, and living together within a month!

I think there are two things worth remembering.

1. At older ages, people become more aware of their own mortality, and the recent death of a partner will have brought that into even sharper focus. The surviving partner may well be suddenly feeling that they themselves have little time left, even if they're relatively young and currently healthy. This can lead to fear of being alone / having nobody to care for them if they get ill, the way they've just cared for their partner, combined with a slightly reckless 'seize the day' mentality because they're seeing their life as finite, possibly for the first time.

And 2. Depending on age and background, some older people have literally never lived alone. Straight from the parental home into marriage was the norm for most people. This was certainly true for my DPs, and my DM was totally lost after my DF died because she just couldn't cope with being alone in the house. She was only 61, still working and had an active social life, so it wasn't even like she was home all day twiddling her thumbs or anything, but she started to do things like phoning me to tell me what she'd had for dinner, and developing weird irrational fears. I was worried about her but lived a long way away at the time so couldn't do much. I never particularly warmed to her new partner, and in fact the relationship didn't last, but I was glad she'd found him because the weird behaviours stopped overnight.

That said, she then latched herself onto another guy who turned out to be a chancer and conman who took a load of her money, so it wouldn't hurt to keep a wary eye on her new man (without saying anything obviously) just in case.

I haven’t said anywhere I’m going to tell my mum I feel sad or stop her doing anything have I?! It’s been mentioned a few times.

@turquoise50 I agree with the two things you said - my mum wants to make the most of her life and like you say, has a very good understanding of how fleeting and fragile our time on earth is (she’s been seriously ill twice herself). I admire her pursuit of happiness but also worry she will get hurt when she’s in quite a vulnerable position.

@emptyshelvesagain I was just venting and sharing my emotions where I have excellent support on a bereavement board - that’s all. My grief and sadness 6 months after my dad’s death are entirely reasonable and this is a new strand of it I have to get used to.

Thanks all!

@Sophoa you’ve made me think a bit and I think I mean too soon for me to deal with. I was already trying to adjust to a life without my dad so to then have to adjust to a new partner in my mums life was hard and it did make me feel like the short gap somehow made my mums love for my dad less significant if she could move on so quickly. I know it was more complex than that but actually the more I see people being widowed the more I find it hard to understand how she could move on so quickly.
I would add that I have never communicated any of that to my mum and I’ve always been outwardly supportive; I’m very fond of her now husband and very glad that she’s found happiness.
At the time everyone was very supportive of my mum and if I ever dared to suggest it was painful for me I was hit with a lot of similar comments as in this thread when all I really wanted was someone to say that my feelings were valid and that I could be supportive of my mum while finding it painful and the two things weren’t mutually exclusive

@user1493413286 I think that makes sense. I totally get that you feel like you do. Your dad is the only dad you will ever had, nobody could even begin to play a part in your life like he did. I would hazard a guess that your life day to day would be similar. You would go home to the same set up you had before your dad died, your friends and your social life would remain broadly the same, if you had a partner they'll still be there sitting in the same place, eating the same food and having the same conversations you had before.

For the living partner their day to day life has changed completely. The loneliness of being alone and not having someone to talk to is horrific. To have someone new doesn't even begin to dim the love they had for their partner. Indeed if the relationship was strong, they want to recreate that. They don't have the bitter feelings one might get from a divorce and the company of someone new (if they are nice) they can really help to deal with the grief.

Trust me, having someone new in your life doesn't

Thank you @Sophoa you’ve made me think about it a bit differently and made me wonder if I should talk to my mum more about it now that it’s less raw.

Sorry for your loss.

If you think about it you had a totally different relationship with your dad. You cant replace a parent but you can replace a spouse.

For you moving on so quickly is inconceivable but not necessarily for your mum. Its a complex set of emotions and you are not wrong to feel how you do. If my mum had moved on so quickly I would not have been happy as I would have felt she was vulnerable and maybe a bit weak willed and disrespectful to my late dad. But that would have been my issue to deal with quietly

@ottershound how can you be disrespectful to someone who had died? They’re not there any more. It would be disrespectful to move a new partner in and snog them in front of your kids but to spend time with someone who is nice company and can make the journey less lonely, no not disrespectful.

My dad died at 62, my mum (same age) spent the rest of her life alone, and died in her early 90s. I would have loved her to have met someone else and found love and happiness.

My Nan did this after my Grandad died.

My mum hated it, unfortunately she made it very clear to my Nan. It caused issues between them for my Nan’s final years, she used to confide in me because she couldn’t speak to my mum.

Obviously being the GD, it was much easier for me to accept the situation and just share Nan’s happiness, she hated being alone.

I do wish my mum was able to hide her feelings and let Nan be happy. That’s not to say she was wrong to be upset but I think it was a shame to have tainted those last years. I don’t know if mum could help herself though.

My mum has remarried twice (and outlived all three of her husbands by some margin!). The first time it was about 3 years, which was not too bad and he was a lovely guy, so I was fine with it. The second time it was a much shorter interval and I had real issues with this third husband, so it has caused me a lot of upset and grief over the years, which is only now beginning to subside now he is no longer with us. I do think it makes a heck of a difference if you like the new husband. However, neither of them could ever replace my real dad however much I may have liked them or not.

People I have know that have done this, are usually people that have had the very happiest of marriages.

@VictoriaBun

My dad died aged 53 ,my mum was 51 at the time. She never dated or met anyone else and died aged 79 . Would you want that for her ?

What's wrong with that? I was widowed at 55 and have never looked for or wanted another partner. I'm very happy with my life and my independence.

My husband was a wonderful person and we were very happy. But I don't need or want anyone else. I've never really understood why people try to persuade me to look for another partner.

I am happily married at 53. I have told my wife, with my children as witnesses, that if I go before her then after a brief respecful period of morning she needs to get out there and find another soul mate.

See, the thing is we marry and promise until death us do part. I truely believe that people are not wired to live alone. We need company, someone to wake up with, someone to share life with. It's fucking boring coming home to an empty house. We need companionship.

Not with a parent but I did with my Grandad. My Nanna died in the September and he was "courting" by the December and I really struggled. I was so close to my Nanna and Grandad that it just felt so odd and far too quickly. They got married in 18 months and it still felt very odd to me.

They stayed happily married for 18 years till he passed away, and I could see that he would never have coped by himself. He needed a companion. It took me (and my Dad) a long time to come to terms with it all, but we never vocalised it go him.

I totally get how you are feeling, it is normal, you are allowed these feelings, try and process them either by yourself or with a counsellor. xxxx

i was widowed at 39, my DH was 18 years older than me and the last 7 years of his life i looked after him, when he died i joined a bereavement website 7 months later and met someone, he has been my companion/partner for the last 17 years, we don't live together and never will, but it is nice to have someone to go out with or talk to, we often talk about his DW and my DH, your mum has a life still to live and i bet if you could ask your dad he would probably say he is happy for her, your mum will never forget your dad, but do you want to see her on her own and lonely.

@foreverandalways I am in a similar situation and I feel like the odd one out for not just being happy for him but it's the last thing I feel

Your feelings are very valid and it must be so hard for you to see your mum is also coping with her grief and different people cope in different ways, especially with covid she is likely to be feeling the lack of another person at her side more so has started something with this man which could be plain companionship born out her grief rather than an actual new, 'proper' relationship.

It's obvious you are there for your mum and that's lovely but it's a different sort of companionship.