Mum moving on soon after dad’s death

[Fleabagster]

My dad died in March. My mum told me today that a friend she made not long after he died has become something more now. I feel REALLY weird about it. Has anyone else had this? It just feels so soon. I want her to be happy but this feels weird...

Wow can't believe all these older children that judge how soon their parent should seek company and companionship. It's sort of childish egocentric behaviour. They are people with their lives to lead.

@foreverandalways

My mum died 7 years ago and my dad met someone within a few months..will never accept it and he knows that but it's his life....makes me very sad

Why does it make you sad? Would you rather your dad sat at home by himself, lonely and miserable? Cant you see how selfish that sounds? You should be happy that he’s been able to find someone who makes him happy - it doesn’t mean he’s replacing your mother, it means he’s got some companionship. Humans are not good at being solitary, we all benefit from being with other humans. It probably makes your dad very sad that you cant accept that he’s found someone else to be happy with again.

@Mixington

Sorry for your loss op.

It does feel early and you are totally allowed to feel weird about it. Grief is confusing and your parents meeting someone else regardless of your age or the situation is also a lot to get your head around.

This might be uncomfortable op, but what was your parents’ marriage like? Among the 60+ year olds that I know, many were dedicated to their marriages but quite often out of obligation rather than love and those who have lost a spouse have sometimes felt freer, despite still being heartbroken having lost their lifelong-partners and their shared history. But several people of that generation have been quite repressed in their marriages.... maybe this isn’t true for your parents so apologies if this is coming across as insensitive.

Good grief, you make it sound like anyone over 60 has had a miserable life! Myself and my 60+ friends have very good relationships thank you very much. We have sex, we have fun, we argue, we get drunk together, we walk around the house naked, we spend wet Sunday afternoons in bed watching weepy films. In other words, we have a life! Repressed in our marriages???

@lovelemoncurd

Wow can't believe all these older children that judge how soon their parent should seek company and companionship. It's sort of childish egocentric behaviour. They are people with their lives to lead.

No, it's not. The op is grieving and that's an incredibly hard time. Don't be so judgmental.

Similar situation OP although 2 years for us. Other way around. We aren't sure if it is a thing or not but he spends a lot of time with her and think he has just never vocalised it. I find it really distressing. Rationally I would have wanted him to find someone, my DM did. But I don't know, it all just seems so fast. 50 years together, two years pass. I just don't get how that's enough time. Also, he has so many brilliant women friends who have strong personalities and similar interests to him who I could have understood, but she's not what I would have imagined. Perfectly nice but they don't seem suited. I know I am unreasonable and obviously wouldn't say anything, but I can't help how I feel.

@lovelemoncurd that is really harsh, isn't this the bereavement board? Sorry OP, sending you best wishes and solidarity in sadness

What is too soon? Someone asked.
Surely, after decades with one person you won't be able to put your feelings and loss aside in a few months to have romantic feelings for someone else? Surely you can't expect the next partner to pop up within a matter of months. I mean the odds of the second person of your dreams popping up so quickly, when of course you probably aren't speed dating or clubbing, is pretty unlikely. So when a new partner appears it's surprising to others and seems soon.

I'm not sure why it happens this way. Perhaps by 50s/60s/70s you've worked out what you want in life, and what you want in a partner, and you don't want to be alone, so as soon as one appears you get close very quickly.
I'm older and really feel I dont' want another old man to cook and clean for. Can't really understand the fast move on. Though I don't really want to grow old alone.

My husband's dad found a new girlfriend a week after the funeral. He was married 35 years and cancer took his mum.

It's completely understandable and fair to feel weird about this. Anyone who says otherwise is lacking in empathy. You've clearly stated you're happy for your mum and you'd not get in the way of anything but of course it's confronting to think of her moving on within a year of your Dad's death. You haven't had time to process your grief and this adds a complex new layer to it all.

All you can do is accept and deal with it, but if it's too hard to come to terms with then don't be afraid to talk to someone or see a counsellor.

I am sorry for the untimely and sudden loss of your Dad both of which add another layer of pain to your grief and you are really in the very early stages so adding in another deep complexity of a relationship for your DM will make it even tougher.

Your gut reaction is totally valid - you are allowed to be unsettled, confused, hurt, sad, angry by this. There are lots of parts to pick out and contexts to frame it. You seeing your Mum and Dad as your parents, you maybe expecting to support your DM in her grief - maybe now feeling she doesn’t have any and your anticipated role has changed. Lots to unravel and at the same time process your own grief.

Give your self some space, acceptance and acknowledgment - it’s fine to feel this - you don’t get to choose your gut reactions - but the next step is what you do with them.

How you choose to process and ventilate your feelings and with whom.

You may choose to talk it through with your Mum - not in a judgmental way - and it might reassure you to find she is taking each day as it comes and this relationship relieves some discomfort and stress at this time.

I hope that you can get to a place of peace in time.

I think at the very core of this, it feels like the surviving parent is cheating. But they are not.

The grief of losing a spouse after a long marriage is very different from losing a parent and those different griefs can be in conflict. It is very hard to see parents as seperate people and not just as a unit. And this sad revelation comes during when even adult children feel they need more reassurance and comfort than ever.

Please try to undertand that this isn't about a competition about who loved her more. When my friend's husband died after MND she met someone quickly. Her observation was that his parents and siblings can never replace a son or brother, it is physically impossible, whereas she could have a new partner. Her children were small though and i think that helped as they just wanted to feel like a family again. And her new man is really wonderful.

However, she accepts that her in laws cannot be happy for her as that would require a super herculean effort to get over the anger of him being taken too soon.

My Dad moved his new girlfriend in, 6 weeks after Mum died. I was 16 at the time. He just didn't understand why I was upset . But they were together for over 20 years and she nursed him until he died. I ended up really liking her but it took a while.

She hasn't moved him in, Fleabagster. I'm sure he is giving your mother a lot of support and it could just stay as it is for a long time.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

@Fleabagster

I think people find change hard.
Would you have felt the same if they had divorced and she got a new partner?

I think there are two key things

1. You will never stop missing your father. You have to learn to enjoy the memories and life with it. Ie you dad would not want you feeling bad
2. Life is for the living. What if you mum was lonely because she realised you were unhappy. That would be hard to live with yes?

Time is not a good measure for another’s life.

Be happy for your mum and get to know here new boyfriend.

My father married a family friend 6 months after my mum died. My parents were very much in love and my dad looked after my mum through 6 months of end stage cancer.

What helped me was that my mum had commented to me once that my dad was very fond of this family friend. There was never anything inappropriate before my mum died and I knew that if my mother was still alive the friend wouldn't have earned a second glance.

My dad and stepmum have just celebrated 23 years of marriage together. I am pleased for them. I did initially find it hard to see them together but I gave them my blessings. They are a similar age however my mum and my stepmum are chalk and cheese. So I find this aspect quite funny.

Don't judge her for moving on. She has chosen to get on with her life as fully as possible..and if she stayed alone it would not bring your father back.

It's difficult isn't it OP. My FIL moved on fairly quickly after the death of my DH's mum - they were in their 60's. He'd married again within 4 years - a family friend

Caused a lot of upset for DH and his brother, they felt he'd rushed and the fact she was a friend made it feel even more weird, as if they'd been waiting for DH's mum to go. Eventually DH and his brother accepted it, but it took a while

We've just lost my lovely FIL and it's sadly brought up the upset all those years ago again - just comments by MIL etc.

Whilst I'm not sure I'd be happy alone, I'm not sure I'd remarry after being widowed, esp later in life. Easy for me to say though as I'm not there yet

I had this with my dad about 3 months after my mum passed away. I wasn't happy about it at all in all honesty. It's not like I wanted my dad to be on his own for ever, but 3 months seemed like a bit of a piss take. He told me about it himself and asked how I felt about it. I did manage to be tactful and explained that as he'd asked for my thoughts I felt it was too soon and I was concerned that he was emotionally vulnerable. He did try to push me into meeting her but I declined. I said that if they were still together in 6 months then I'd consider it. Lo and behold it fizzled out before then so I didn't have to deal with it luckily. Ultimately, you have to remember that it's their life, but you shouldn't be pushed into anything that you're uncomfortable with because you're grieving too. Be supportive but protect yourself.

This is MN and you are never supposed to even feel anything but totally unconditional happiness at the person's new relationship no matter what. If people don't move on there's something wrong with them and they are desperately lonely and miserable. IRL your feelings are totally normal and valid.

I realise this post is from last year, but I’d really
Like to know how you’re getting on?
In a very similar situation and struggling massively x

I also found this old thread after being in a similar situation and feeling so conflicted.

I know she loved my dad and had cared so well for him for several years and can say in my rationale head of all the reasons she may want a new partner. But I’m struggling that she doesn’t seem to consider that I may also be grieving (never asked, even on father’s days today). And perhaps differently from the other posters here that I feel so hurt that she doesn’t want to spend much time with us or the grandchildren and doesn’t really ask how we are, even though she no longer has the caring responsibilities and feels lonely and bored despite holidays and meet up with friends. Again I know that these relationships aren’t the same as a partner but I can’t get the feelings out of my head. I also know I am no model daughter and not the easiest to be around…

How are you doing?

I'd feel exactly the same, weird about it. It's very soon, only 3-4 months. I hope you are coping ok with the new and difficult feelings this will bring for you. It's a lot.

Ah sorry, just realised this is an old thread. But the same sentiments go out to those who are experiencing similar situations.

I think it’s important to remember that your parents are people with feelings, not just your mum or dad and the grief you share is very different. Usually adult children will grieve but have a husband/wife/ partner and children to go home to at night. The surviving spouse is going home to an empty house and will often not want to burden their children with their pain. It’s very different and they aren’t doing it to hurt you. Think of it from their point of view and be kind