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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My mum died without loved ones last night

58 replies

Anantara · 19/05/2020 11:40

So upset, hospice called but we are a couple of hours away, we left immediately, she had passed away an hour before I arrived. My dad and brother asked not to be contacted as they didn't want to be there. I feel devastated that a stranger held her hand, rather than her family, I don't understand why they wouldn't do that for her

OP posts:

VelociraptorRex · 19/05/2020 11:43

I'm so sorry OP, for you. Was someone here with her at the end though? Just someone being there would be a bit of comfort?

Original poster

Anantara · 19/05/2020 11:45

The nurses at the hospice are really lovely, one sat with her, they said it was peaceful

OP posts:

HeyDuggeewhatchadoin · 19/05/2020 11:46

I'm so sorry for your loss. People all respond differently to death and some people simply can't cope. Please don't think that it means anything about how they feel about your Mum.

The hospice staff will be experienced and very kind and caring in that situation, I'm sure they would have made your Mum as comfortable and calm as possible at the time. It might be better to think of the situation as that she had wonderful caring people around her, the next best thing to family.

Original poster

Anantara · 19/05/2020 11:47

Is it normal for family to choose not to be there?

OP posts:

Original poster

Anantara · 19/05/2020 11:47

I've never heard of it before

OP posts:

loutypips · 19/05/2020 11:48

I'm sorry for your loss.

People deal with death in different ways. Personally I wouldn't want to watch someone die. I couldn't let that be my last memory of a loved one. Some, it wouldn't upset them at all, but I'm not one of those people.
Luckily your mum did have someone by her side. And really in that moment, it may not have mattered who it was. She had someone holding her hand and that's what matters. She wasn't alone.

picklemewalnuts · 19/05/2020 11:50

I was able to be with my dad, but if I hadn't been I know the staff were lovely.

Sometimes people want to slip away with no fuss.

Sometimes people want to hold on to memories of their loved one without the last one being their death.

Perhaps distancing it a little helps them manage their response- some people find intense emotion very scary.

Try not to fret for how it should have been, just manage with how it is.

picklemewalnuts · 19/05/2020 11:50

Cross with Pips.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 19/05/2020 11:51

I am so sorry.

Anything is ‘normal’ when it comes to how you cope with death.

Some consider it a duty or a privilege to be there and some want to retain a memory other than that so don’t attend.

Your mam was not alone and she had a gentle, peaceful passing. Which is what I would want for my mam if I couldn’t be there.

Thinking of you

Original poster

Anantara · 19/05/2020 11:51

But if it was a choice between them dying without loved ones or you attending would you be there? I didn't want to go, but thought it was the kindest thing for her

Just trying to understand

OP posts:

VelociraptorRex · 19/05/2020 11:52

As @loutypips said - she had someone there who cares, because your mum was a person to the nurse/Carer, and they will have made sure that she knew they were there and cared about. I personally would want to be there, but everyone is different, I know my dad couldn't cope with being near his mum in her final hours.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 19/05/2020 11:52

And a cross with pips and pickles x

IncrediblySadToo · 19/05/2020 11:52

I'm sorry to hear about your mum 🌷

It's sad (for you) that you didn't get there, but it sounds like the staff would have done a great job of holding her hand and talking to her and depending on what she died of, it might have been calmer for her. She might have found it harder to say good bye/go with you there.

It's not 'usual' for people not to want to contacted, no. I'm not sure I could get past that, depending on why they didn't want to be there and what they have been like until she died.

Are you still up there or are you back at home?

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 19/05/2020 11:54

I would go OP. I’m not sure my siblings would. And I don't think my dad could manage it.

redcarbluecar · 19/05/2020 11:56

So very sorry to hear this OP. Take a day at a time, get all the support you can and treasure your memories. Very best wishes

helpfulperson · 19/05/2020 11:56

Had your mum been in the hospice for a while? If so then it won't have been a stranger. To you maybe but it not to her.

It is common for people to chose not to be there. We had spoken to my Dad's care home as he reached the end and agreed that they wouldn't call us until he had died. He had been more or less unconsious for a few days and severe dementia. And for us that was the right choice. I also chose not to see his body, my brother went down to see him. There are no right or wrong answers in a situation like this.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Smartcasual · 19/05/2020 11:57

I'm very sorry for your loss op

You have nothing to feel guilty about: these are exceptional times.

Also, if it's any consolation, my father died in a hospice minutes before family arrived. The very experienced nurse there said people go "in their own time" and even when loved ones are sat for hours, or days, at a bedside, that can be at the moment when they pop downstairs for a coffee.

I agree though that I find it hard how some men are able to compartmentalise these things.

Original poster

Anantara · 19/05/2020 11:57

Thank you all for your lovely responses, it happened last night, and we drove home in the early hours this morning, my dad asked not to be contacted after midnight if it happened in the night, so we didn't call in, I couldn't face it anyway. He didn't want to be contacted at all to be given warning. The hospice said he would have been aware she had hours when he left at 7, but he choose to leave her. I tried to call him, but he didn't answer for an hour as he was having his hair cut by a neighbour

OP posts:

Original poster

Anantara · 19/05/2020 12:00

She'd been there 2.5 weeks, she had cancer and was very weak but conscious, they sedated her a couple of hours before she died as she was anxious

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 19/05/2020 12:01

Everyone deals with death in different ways and no one way is right or wrong.

It isn't unusal for people to feel they have said their good byes already and not want to be there at the last moment. Some people also just find it too intense to do.

Also it's not unusual for the dying person to choose the moment when you aren't there to die, even if you have been there the whole time.

Every person handles it differently, even in a family and there isn't a right or a wrong way, just what is right for them and you.

I am sorry you didn't get to do what felt right for you and I hope the staff's messages felt reassuring

Finfintytint · 19/05/2020 12:02

So sorry for your loss.
Is it possible that your mum had discussed this with your dad and that is what she wanted ?

Original poster

Anantara · 19/05/2020 12:04

Unfortunately I think she will have wanted him there, they didn't discuss anything. I asked her a few weeks ago some details of how she's like to be remembered

OP posts:

Toilenstripes · 19/05/2020 12:06

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like your dad knew he couldn’t deal with the immediate emotional fallout and needed time to compose himself. Grief is a strange thing that tears us apart.

JanetheObscure · 19/05/2020 12:09

So sorry for your loss, OP.

I didn't make it to my dad's hospital bedside in time, either, but I was comforted to know that a nurse sat with him. Like your family, my sister didn't want to be there - she simply couldn't face seeing him die and I understood this.

My mum didn't have anyone with her when she died at home, either, as she had a bug and my dad was therefore sleeping in the spare room. Sadly, it worsened massively in just a few hours.

So, you see, not everyone can be with their parents when they pass away. For me, the important thing is that, in life, they were secure in the knowledge that their family really loved them. As I'm sure your dad was.

JanetheObscure · 19/05/2020 12:10

Mum, so sorry.

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