Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My mum died without loved ones last night

58 replies

Anantara · 19/05/2020 11:40

So upset, hospice called but we are a couple of hours away, we left immediately, she had passed away an hour before I arrived. My dad and brother asked not to be contacted as they didn't want to be there. I feel devastated that a stranger held her hand, rather than her family, I don't understand why they wouldn't do that for her

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 19/05/2020 12:13

Anantara, I'm sure you are feeling very raw and perhaps becoming angry.

Can I suggest that you let this go as something you don't understand and never will?

It may be you have other reasons to be angry with family, and that's ok. This may be part of a pattern, and it's ok to be angry at that pattern and make decisions because of it. It may be out of character, in which case it isn't fair for it to impact the rest of your relationships.

Try not to let this extreme situation influence your relationships, as it is so unique a situation.

lockdowngandt · 19/05/2020 12:13

So sorry to hear that @Anantara ThanksBrew

Do you know if your DM wanted him there?

HollowTalk · 19/05/2020 12:17

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

Flowers

I would find it hard not to be furious with my dad and brother if they did that. He hardly sounds heartbroken if he's getting his haircut.

Your mum knew you loved her, OP. She wouldn't have been aware that she was going to die. I'm so glad she had such a good daughter.

OhTheGeese · 19/05/2020 12:39

So sorry you lost your mum OP.

loutypips · 19/05/2020 12:48

Please don't be angry with your family. They need to process things in their own way. And so do you. Anger and grief is not a good combination.
Whilst it may seem odd that your dad is carrying on. He may be in shock. He may have dealt (in his mind!) with the loss already. Usually it will then hit hard later on.
Be there for each other Thanks

cakeandchampagne · 19/05/2020 13:01

Flowers So sorry for the loss of your mum.

Different people handle things differently.
The people who are able to be there and choose to be there at the end (even strangers) are very kind.

sorryiasked · 19/05/2020 13:05

Sometimes people can be a bit blinded by grief - they may have felt that they had said their goodbyes and didn't need to see her again, but hadn't thought about whether she would like/want them there.

bringincrazyback · 19/05/2020 13:08

So sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

Original poster
Anantara · 19/05/2020 13:16

Thank you all for your lovely words, I know I need to move on from this issue, I do feel very upset that they couldn't be there, particularly my dad, I just feel overwhelming sadness that she was on her own because of there choices, rather than because of timing.

There are other issues with the way he and my brother treated her since she was diagnosed with cancer a year ago, and I guess before that too really, and I do need to move on from it as I don't want to be feel bitterness. I'm trying to rationalise their behaviour, and see it as normal. I can understand my brother more, but usually siblings are able to choose because the other parent will be there, if you know they won't I think it's a different decision, you're choosing to leave them alone.

OP posts:
saffy1234 · 19/05/2020 13:18

Hi @Anantara I'm so sorry for your loss,it's devastating I'm sure.
From my palliative nursing experience at a well known hospice here,yes it's quite common ,a lot of people do not,but yes it seems strange to me

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 19/05/2020 13:20

Your mum may have asked for them not to be there.

I know when a relative of mine died he got very angry because people wouldn't leave. At one point he somehow crawled to the bottom of the bed, trying to hide away.

The moment people left he passed away peacefully.........I'm sorry for your loss OP. And try not to feel too upset with your dad and brother who will have been feeling scared and grieving in their own way.

Original poster
Anantara · 19/05/2020 13:22

It feels better to know it's not unusual, you can google most things, but I can't find anything on this, I just want to understand

OP posts:
Lepetitpiggy · 19/05/2020 13:27

My mum died about two hours after I had gone home. She'd been 'actively dying' for about 3 days and hadn't opened her eyes for that time. The nurses at the care home suggested I take a break as I'd been there every day for the couple of months while she was slowly fading.

I still cant forgive myself a year on. Even worse, she was totally on her own as they had checked on her and then left her until someone went back in to her room a short while later. I knew it was going to happen and we'd been rushed in a few times the days before as they convinced it was imminent, only for her to rally (ish).

Having said I cant forgive myself, I try to temper that with she wanted to be alone and maybe even her mum was coming for her - not that I necessarily believe that, but because it gives me a little comfort.

My sister who had been nc with her and me for the previous 7 years, went to visit twice during the whole time (over 3 months) and had no interest in being with her for more than a few minutes, so at least I know I did better than she did

HollowTalk · 19/05/2020 15:26

@Lepetitpiggy I think it's normal for someone to die when nobody is with them. I remember a MacMillan nurse saying to a friend, whose husband died when she went out for an hour (he'd encouraged her to go out) that he would have found it stressful to let go when she was so upset. Please try to forgive yourself; it's very likely your mum was sleeping deeply at the time and wasn't aware of anything.

Elderflower14 · 19/05/2020 15:35

I'm so sorry OP.. The afternoon before my DP died I decided he seemed OK and I didn't spend the night.. The staff had agreed to ring his children and I when he deteriorated.. The phone rang at 2am and they told me he'd died...I asked why they hadn't rung when he got worse and they didn't have time as he had gone so quickly in the end... I will always wish that I had spent the night.. 😔 😔 😔 😔 😔. The nurse who was with him at the end was lovely and he and DP had always got on really well with him which was of some comfort...

AdoreTheBeach · 19/05/2020 15:41

Op, my sincere condolences and sympathy. At this time, please know that different people react differently to death of a loved one and please think about how your dad and brother were towards your mum during her life, not right at the end.

I personally had a very hard time with this when my MIL was dying. She was out in the Liverpool care pathway, taken off ventilator and no live supporting medical attention (not even food or wat we given). We were told she’d likely die in a few hours. It was 21 days. I sat with her, spent nights, often with me holding one hand and a nurse the other hand, telling her it was ok to go. On the one night I slept at home due to exhaustion, she died. During the 21 days, my FIL would come yahs me to get a bite in the hospital restaurant at lunch but he wouldn’t go into her room. My FIL has been her carer for many years.

My own DH wouldn’t go into her room.

It was far too distressing for them. Both were devastated by her death but could not bear to be there at the very end.

Keep this in mind that your Dad and brother are grieving too and you all loved her.

Again, very sorry for your loss. It’s truly devastating and more so I think in the current circumstances.

CherryRicePasta · 19/05/2020 19:45

Flowers Sorry for your loss.

I have seen this situation myself - when my FIL was dying, we (DH & I) were with him but BIL didn't turn up until he'd passed away. It transpired that BIL had been driving round and about so that he would arrive too late. BIL had issues from some tough things he'd gone through as a child, stuff I didn't fully appreciate the impact of until later.

So yes it can happen. But your Mum would just have felt unwell and been comforted by the nurse - if she'd rallied and survived a few more days, it wouldn't have been an experience that haunted her and she probably wouldn't have given it any thought.

A1A1 · 20/05/2020 14:21

Oh op, nothing makes any sense when someone dies - expected or not, young or old.

When my dad was in his hospice before he died, I faffed around every morning before going down there. I wanted to be there but it was such a difficult bubble to be in so I guess I put it off as much as I could. He was heavily sedated by that point though he did show small signs occasionally that he knew we were there.

I also empathise with searching for answers to different parts of the whole thing. Quite often there aren’t any.

Those last few days are not the total sum of your mum, they’re not the total sum of your relatives’ relationships with her. Only you know the the bigger picture and soon that will come back.

The enormity and heartbreak of the last phase of your mums life may overshadow everything at the moment. Over time things will be less raw and less confusing.

And yes nothing can turn back that time now, and what’s done is done. We all have to live with our own actions and it is for your dad and brother to make piece with themselves if they feel the need? not for you to take that on your shoulders. Not easy but it’s important now that your focus is on yourself.

Take care op.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 20/05/2020 14:28

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

I've been on care services a long time and it's not unusual. End of life care can genuinely be brutal and exhausting on the family and the dynamics can be incredibly complex.

I totally understand your frustration but honestly you may not be able to empathise with it as you feel differently. As others said , I've rarely seen it as a an issue about how they feel about someone. I will also say , very very often the person will have a conversation about wishes with one person , and it come across very differently when they have it with another.

It doesn't mean any of it is not true , it's often just a sign of different types of relationships, not better , not worse just different. My DP has spent 17 years specialising in palliative support and he wouldn't want me there at the end for him as he wants me to remember him as a young healthy man. However he would be fine with his DB there but wouldn't really mind either way. People are different.

Please be assured though , it may be a stranger but it's a stranger whose whole role is to support at the end, she will have been treated with compassion, kindness and respect beyond most peoples imagination of the care /hospice services.

I know that won't hell much right now but I assure you it will have happened as kindly as possible withing their power.

SonEtLumiere · 21/05/2020 05:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redglitter · 21/05/2020 05:53

My Dad died several years ago. We stayed 24/7 at the hospital for 3 days NOTHING would have got us to leave

A relative died several months later. His family were told he wouldnt survive the night. His adult children went to the hospital stayed awhile and then went home. I've never understood how they could when his death was imminent. Different people deal with things different ways though

So sorry for your loss

IHateCoronavirus · 21/05/2020 05:58

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Questioning things is a normal part of grief. Some questions you will never have an answer too or at least not one that sits well with you. It is hard.
I’m not sure it will help you but many people miss the death of their loved ones. My friend (nurse) is convinced that they hang on until their loved ones have gone to let go. She said the amount of times a relative has been sat with a loved one for hours, only to go home to change and no sooner have they got home the hospital are calling to break the news.
I am wishing you peace in your heart and mind Flowers

worstwitch18 · 21/05/2020 06:12

Anantara I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers. I have also very recently lost a parent to cancer.

Many people pass away without their family. Sometimes even when there is a family vigil happening! The dying person seems to wait until they are alone and then slip away. It is well known in palliative care circles.

I think you have to remember all the time you had with your mother and focus on that. Sometimes people put too much emphasis on the last hours just like they put too much emphasis on the first hours - it's the time in between that really counts. I hope you had many good years with your mother.

As for your father and your brother I think it's better to stop thinking about their decisions for a while and come back to it when it's less raw. Grief, and the anticipation of grief, makes people act in very strange ways. However you mention other defects in their care of your mother. Sometimes people do react poorly or selfishly to the illness of a family member and there is no need to try and minimise this. It's better to wait a few weeks to process losing your beloved mum before unpacking how other family members acted and how you feel about that.

walkingchuckydoll · 21/05/2020 06:28

It feels better to know it's not unusual, you can google most things, but I can't find anything on this, I just want to understand

I'm sorry for your loss. Their loss is just as great. You can grieve together without understanding each other. This is no thing to be angry about and is really common. My brother and husband choose to not see people die because it taints the memory for them. Their memory is what they have left for the rest of their lives and is also very important. Dying is only a very short moment in time, and it sounds like your mum was comfortable and well cared for. For what it's worth I always advise people to sometimes leave a dying person alone (and tell them) for short periods of time during the process. Some people can't let go of life till they're alone.

Take care Thanks

walkingchuckydoll · 21/05/2020 06:33

I'd like to add that a lot of dying peopld have commented that hospice workers (or nurses on terminal wards) don't feel as strangers to the dying people. Because of the severity of what is happening they (the patients) get close quite quickly and feel like the nurses are more like a caring friend. So for your mum it felt like a trusting, caring friend was with her, who as an added bonus was someone who knew what she had to do to make your mum comfortable. She will have felt comforted.