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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My friend passed away

42 replies

Pandasarecute · 06/12/2018 22:41

I've just heard that my 41 year old friend passed away today , leaving her husband and 12 year old. I'm in shock at her death but also want to support them- any words of wisdom? They are very private people, she told me that she had cancer but asked me to keep the news to myself. I had no idea she was so ill, I imagined that she'd start treatment, not that that I would get such a sad text from her DH. I just can't take the news in.

OP posts:

Rachelle3211 · 06/12/2018 22:50

Drop off food with a note of condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose a friend.

Original poster

Pandasarecute · 06/12/2018 22:54

Thank you Rachelle, I work near a Booths so I'll get some nice bits there tomorrow and take them round. Have messaged her DH but dreading seeing him, I just don't know what to say. I'm also worried that I can't speak without crying. I need to pull myself together and not cry on him.

OP posts:

OccasionallyIncomplet · 06/12/2018 22:57

It's OK to cry - we're only human.

Echo taking food, poor husband has million and one things to sort and the simple things (what to have for dinner) sometimes get missed. Maybe something for the kid too? At 12 years old she'll have her own challenges/coping strategies, but maybe an amazon voucher for £10 or some other gift in the form of a small distraction may be welcome?

Original poster

Pandasarecute · 06/12/2018 23:00

It's her DD birthday next week too, I have a gift already but will be getting her something to add to it. We only got each other's children token gifts but I think as you suggest I'll get a gift card to add to it, I am distraught myself but can't imagine their pain xx

OP posts:

winewolfhowls · 06/12/2018 23:03

So sorry for your loss, how very sad.

Sweepington · 06/12/2018 23:08

So sorry to hear this OP. 41 is so young. Are you close enough with DD to go for a walk so she can clear her head?

Lovingbenidorm · 06/12/2018 23:11

So very sorry, thoughts with you and your friends family xx

mylaptopismylapdog · 06/12/2018 23:11

How sad maybe they all thought she had more time.
You could perhaps take a meal that could be easily reheated/ frozen round and a card sympathizing and saying how you will miss her too and why. If you have time you could ask if the father needs any help with his daughter if he doesn’t have any female relatives close by and feels he is at a loss, ( not suggesting that he will be but at least if you offer and he hits a point where he needs support later he might be glad of a sympathetic ear).

Original poster

Pandasarecute · 07/12/2018 04:36

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I can't sleep. I'm just so sad for what she's missed out on, and for her family. Like me she had struggles conceiving and had IVF, they were a very close family of 3 and I can't imagine how they can pick up the pieces. I'll get a card and food after work today but wish I could do more.

OP posts:

HeronLanyon · 07/12/2018 05:14

Sorry to read this op. I echo simple food which can go in fridge/freezer is really helpful at time when food can be forgotten. Offer to do and take round a proper food shop for them when they need. I have recently lost my ma (elderly) and friends of hers have cried in front of me or on phone - I have found it comforting to see she was loved. Talk about your friend with them help them know your memories of her are strong and safe.
Good luck it’s really hard and I’m sending you hugs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/12/2018 05:32

How sad. It sounds as though this may have been unexpectedly soon. I’m sorry for you loss for what her dh and dd are going through.

Zoflorabore · 07/12/2018 05:44

Oh this is so sad op, very sorry for your loss.
I'm 41 next month and couldn't imagine being at the end of my life, leaving dc behind. Your friend clearly wanted you to know she was ill so it wasn't a total shock as she must have known how sick she was, god bless her

Echo pp regarding food and treat for dc.
Let the dh know you are there for them, offer to help if you are needed etc.

Life is so precious.

Original poster

Pandasarecute · 07/12/2018 05:47

Thank you everyone, your words are so kind and helpful

OP posts:

SandysMam · 07/12/2018 05:53

Don’t be afraid to show emotion, the worst thing for a kid is no one talking about it or crying!! Just put their needs first and make sure it’s more about their loss than your own.
Food is a great idea, and also offer to help with any domestic stuff. Give privacy when needed though and don’t be intrusive. I’m so sorry about your friend, she sounds lovely

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/12/2018 06:02

SandysMam
Yes my mother did that. No comforting me. No tears herself “to protect us”. More like she didn’t want to show weakness to her children or deal wit our upset. I was a few years older but still a kid. I can attest that’s definitely not the way to go.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 07/12/2018 06:03

So sorry for the loss of your friend. I know how very hard that is. Hard to explain how much you can be devastated by the loss of a non relative 💐

Original poster

Pandasarecute · 07/12/2018 06:14

Thank you, she lived near me and I keep looking at the house imagining how they must feel

OP posts:

IRememberSoIDo · 07/12/2018 06:25

So sorry OP. One of my HD's childhood friends he grew up with passed on Wednesday aged 44 leaving behind two lovely little children and her dh. God it's just the absolute pits

madmumofteens · 07/12/2018 06:48

So very sorry to hear of your friend's passing so young and to leave behind a 12 year old life just is not fair and so sad so close to Christmas take care OP 💐

HeronLanyon · 07/12/2018 23:12

Hope you and they are ok op. Thinking of you. Very difficult time of year also for this to happen.

Original poster

Pandasarecute · 07/12/2018 23:21

The support on here is so lovely, thank you

OP posts:

DontCallMeCharlotte · 08/12/2018 01:42

I have lost both parents (one when i was 15) and this year a sibling. On each occasion one of my oldest friends has said "I'm really sorry I don't know what to say" and, you know, that was fine

PointlessPigeon · 08/12/2018 01:45

So sorry

Quantumblue · 08/12/2018 03:26

Offer something specific like to have the dd for an afternoon of movies and pizza or something.
Once the funeral is over try to set up something semi regular for them like coming over to tea on a Friday night. They will be rebuilding the structure of their lives and may appreciate something easy to do with old friends. So sorry for you and your friend.

vodkaredbullgirl · 08/12/2018 03:37

Oh shit sorry to here that, and to your friends family xx

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