My friend passed away

[Pandasarecute]

I've just heard that my 41 year old friend passed away today , leaving her husband and 12 year old. I'm in shock at her death but also want to support them- any words of wisdom? They are very private people, she told me that she had cancer but asked me to keep the news to myself. I had no idea she was so ill, I imagined that she'd start treatment, not that that I would get such a sad text from her DH. I just can't take the news in.

I'm so sorry.
On a practical note, shopping for things her daughter might need; get sanitary protection for example as dad might, understandably, not think of it. Maybe put together a pamper pack of nice toiletries for her (separate from the sp).

Today I’ve been to see her DH, we had a chat and a cry together which was very therapeutic

We're just moving this thread over to the bereavement topic at OP's request.

, OP.

I'm sorry to hear that so many of you have been through similar, your advice and support is much appreciated

Sorry to hear about your friend panda .
My ds dad passed away last year and while in the initial period and on the run up to funeral there’s was lots of wellwishers as soon as the funeral was over it’s almost forgotten so my advice would be continue to check they are ok, see if they need anything etc after the first few weeks. That’s when they will need people the most .

Thank you for that advice Bimbobaggins, that's helpful to think about as at the moment there seems to be permanently someone there. I'll think about that and make sure I keep in regular touch. Taking my DC to the cinema on Christmas Eve so going to offer that take their DD. I appreciate it could be too much on that day but they can always say no.

Today was her funeral, awful- a lovely thoughtful service but so sad. I feel guilty about being in bits when her DH and DD are going through so much worse

How about writing a letter to her dd telling her about her mum and your relationship with her? When my dd died I took great comfort from hearing other people’s memories, especially those that were of a side of my dad I didn’t know eg as a schoolboy, a young man and as a professional.

Paddy pants, thank you- her DH has asked me to write my memories at some point so that is something I will do. I keep thinking about what to write and I have lots of ideas. Maybe over Christmas I can get them down on paper

Really struggling tonight, at the start of 2018 she wasn't even ill and that she's gone now seems impossible

Sorry to hear of your sadness tonight. It must be hard to believe. It’s still very raw. I’ve never really lost anyone very close. I can’t imagine losing a dear friend. I hope you get some restful sleep.

How about writing a letter to her dd telling her about her mum and your relationship with her?

That sounds like a lovely idea! When my beloved gran died, the only person left who could share memories of her with me was my mum, who's lovely but (very unlike myself) had a strained relationship with her. I would have loved to hear from someone who used to know her as a person and shared fond memories of her.

Also, so sorry for your loss! Think of yourself, too. Its not just the loss of family that hits home but that of any beloved person.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I experienced a similar loss earlier this year when my friend died suddenly without warning. She left a husband and son behind and it's a horribly sad loss.

Be kind to yourself and let yourself mourn and process your feelings. I still see my friends name come up on FB as 'liking' a business page because of the site's stupid algorithm and it's a kick in the gut again each time. I hope your friends family are getting good support and as said above, just make sure you keep in touch when the other offers dry up (which typically won't be long now). Her DD may one day rely on you in the future for advice she would nornally have turned to her mum for.

to you

Thank you, your kind posts help. I spoke to her DH a few days ago, they are getting though day by day. At the moment her DD doesn't want to see people but hopefully that will change. I put together some nice bits for her Christmas present, and sent a voucher too so that she knows we're thinking of her.

Perhaps the odd 'saw this and thought of you trinket' might help her DD realise you're ongoing in your support. My sister every now and again used to post me one of those little things you see at the till in card factory (like the cards that say please watch over this lovely person) and it made me feel less alone in difficult times. I appreciate this isn't for everyone so it's just a suggestion. My nephews lost their dad at a similar age to your friend's DD and it was very tough on top of their hormones and general growing up. I'm pretty sure her dad would welcome knowing you're there if he/they need you for things that arise, particularly as men often don't know how to cope with female issues

Write a card to her dd. A nice one she can keep.

Write your number and email inside and tell her if she ever wants to talk, about her mum, about her feelings, about anything, to call. If she ever needs any help. Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, in 20 years. And that there is no time limit on grief.

The hardest bit I found as a child was when everything went back to “normal”. It kind of felt like everyone just went back to their lives and i was expected to do the same. I have never spoken to anyone about my parents death, it may have been 30 years ago but i don’t think it’s something you move on from.