The never-ending love story : Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Two and a half years ago today, we woke to a little red-head climbing all over us, giggling and smiling, as she always did. It was Mr Mia's birthday, and all kinds of festivities were planned. Who ever knew that our world would change forever, when Mia died unexpectedly after only five hours in hospital.

Since then, we have been through the worst of days. Days I would never wish upon anyone, dark days without hope, without understanding, in an abyss of pain and confusion.

And I cried and I wrote. Here and in real life, I found so many friends, kind hearts willing to listen and support and encourage me to remember my cheeky girl with her crazy scream and sweet antics. Shared pain, unexpected but unstinting friendships, for which I will always be grateful.

We have been through Mia's inquest, have worked with the hospital to improve its care, and established Mia's Wood in her name. And when Finn arrived in our lives, joy re-entered as well. I still believe he is Mia's birthday present to me.

We find Mia's presence in so many things now. The ring I wear. The cloud kisses we see in the sky. The blackbird who sings on the rooftop. The iris and rose and red oak planted in our garden. The smile on her little brother's face, and the same look of wonder and curiosity.

Good friends also send me their thoughts of Mia, whether it is from a dream, something their children have said, a poem remembered. Knowing that Mia is still in their minds is enormously touching.

Mia is still with us, just not in a way I want. But it is all I have. So this is part of Mia's story, keeping her in our lives.

Mia darling, I just want you to know how much we love you. I want you to know that I carry you in my heart forever.

This is my love song to you, beautiful girl.

Mummy xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

We are in the blank period now, that nowhere land of the weeks between the time of year that Mia was born, and that terrible day when she died. MrMia is working extremely hard at the moment, and we haven't really had a chance to have a break, or simply time together, since well before MiaFest. It is hard.

[LilyTheSavage]

Be gentle with yourself Mia's. MiaFest was a wonderful tribute to honour the memory of your darling girl, and I guess all the preparations and lead-up were so frantic that there was bound to be a flat feeling in the aftermath. Remember the beautiful, wonderful time you had that weekend and smile.

Give yourself some space and be kind to yourself.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I miss you, darling girl.

A kind friend acknowledged you yesterday at a birthday party of her daughter, your friend, and gave me a big hug as we watched the other 4-year-olds outside having fun. We wondered if you too, would be wearing some gaudy Disney princess dress, and run around the garden, searching for pirate treasure. Finn had a fantastic time, and I know he would love tagging along on adventures with his big sister. He loves your little friend, L, and held his hand as we all went for a walk together, giggling at jokes he didn't understand, but just so happy to be with the big kids.

I'm scared to think about that terrible night. It's coming up soon.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

The terrible day starts soon.

We are just back from a trip to visit our beautiful cousins, and it was hard not to remember, and shiver, about the memory of Mia playing on the trampoline with them. We have such beautiful photos of her there, some of our favourites. Watching Finn adore the 'gerls', and bounce around on the same trampoline, and having so much fun, caused me to take a big gulp. Even taking photos of them enjoying themselves, all together there, or in the bath, and on the bed, makes me fearful, as we have the same photos with Mia. I am being superstitious, but it's hard not to be. Things can change so very quickly...

And in other news, I found it somewhat ironic that the CQC have chosen this week to review the hospital where Mia died. Part of me wants them to fail, for fault to be found in their care ; another part of me wants to hear that they have had massive improvements since we became involved.

Three years.

I watched today as an older sister and younger brother compete to open the gate at nursery today, when their mother expertly negotiated between them both. I would love to have that problem.

I still don't really understand why I don't.

[meeliesmum]

Thinking of you. Hope the next few days pass peacefully

[LilyTheSavage]

Thinking of you. Sending bigs hugs.

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

Much love for you all, huge hugs, thinking of beautiful, magical Mia xxx

[ChillingGrinBloodLover]

Mia'sMummy

I don't understand either, and you are right, it's not fair - but it's so much more than just 'not fair'. Your beautiful, red headed, little girl should be here with you, she should be Cousin L's little buddy, she should be the much adored but sometimes horrid big sister, she should be doing all the things her little friends are doing and it's just inexplicable and unfair that she isn't.

I am so pleased though, that MiaFest went so well and you had so many people there, it sounds lovely - do you plan to make it an annual Fest?

My heart breaks for you all, much love today, & every day.
xxx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

And here we are. On countdown, so to speak.

A few cards, to acknowledge a birthday that is not, and to celebrate the family that we were, and the family we are now.

A cousin who was given three 'wish tickets', and unbidden, unmindful of the day, said that what she wanted most was to have Mia back with us.

Another smaller cousin, who is running around the kitchen as I write, asking to have a book read to her, who recognises Mia's photo despite never meeting her.

A red oak glowing in the garden.

A little brother full of mischief, who shrieks 'Mummy' at the top of his voice and who spontaneously gives the most delightful kisses.

This is today. Keeping busy. Keeping back the dark images.

[ChillingGrinBloodLover]

Oh Mia's Mummy My heart aches for you all. You, MrMia, Finn, Cousin L, all of your friends and family who miss her so much... and, of course, for Mia. It doesn't hurt any less any other day, but somehow it manages to hurt more on significant days...(and oxymoron I know)... and thinking at this time x and at that time y, why didn't I do xyz instead of abc. If this, if that, this was the last time... it's awful, really, really awful and I wish I could take some of today's pain for you xxx

[Anotheronesoon]

Thinking of you and little Mia. There are no words - I am so sorry that your darling little girl was taken away from you- how very very unfair- a mothers worst nightmare. Keep strong xxxxxxx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Something very weird happened this week. I was going to bed, and then suddenly in my head, I heard a high little girl's voice say very clearly "I didn't deserve to die."

No darling, you didn't. xx

[trulymadlydeeply]

Hello Mia's. I'm sorry I haven't been around to support you - I have been lurking on your FB page and marvel at your persistence and bravery every time I go there.
I wonder whether there is some comfort to be had, that you can hear Mia's voice and that she is present in your daily life? Or whether it is torture - a reminder of what should have been?
So many echoes, from cousins and friends through to daily encounters, of the life you should have had.

Thinking of you, lovely virtual friend, and wish you could see how strong you really are and how much you and MrMias are doing to keep the memory of your darling girl alive and meaningful.

Xxx

[LilyTheSavage]

No she didn't deserve to die. Not at all.

I am constantly amazed at how eloquent your posts are and how your words of love conjure images of your darling Mia. You express so much of what I feel but I can't find the words I need.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I watch the videos of Mia with Finn, and she is so vibrant, so gorgeous, so deliciously in love with life. That she is no longer here is still completely shocking.

We are spending Christmas with my family this year, and memories of a little baby girl will undoubtedly spring up in quiet moments. Finn's constant activity does fill in the hard gaps, and so do his lovely hugs. I just wish I was contemplating a flight with two busy children, instead of just one...

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Two years ago today, our rainbow boy was born. We enter a new era, that of 2-years-old. His love and enjoyment of life is glorious. So happy with him, so sad for Mia that this experience was not given to her.

[trulymadlydeeply]

Happy Birthday to Finn. it must be so odd that he is now older than his older sister. i hope you managed to have a lovely day with your precious boy,Mia's, and that you have a wonderful sunny Christmas with your folks.

Lots of love XXX

[jmf294]

Belated happy birthday wishes to your lovely boy.
I think of you often and hope your Christmas trip is full of love and happy times with your family, and Mia is there with you in spirit and in your love x

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

A weakend of two halves. One day spent with a little boy, blowing out candles, in happy noise and chaos. Then the next day, a more sombre time, as we joined together with other bereaved parents to decorate a beautiful Christmas tree with lovely porcelain stars for Mia and other children.

Someone asked me if it was hard, having two such events side by side. Not really. It is like that every day. I don't compartmentalise it too much. Joy in Finn's growth, pain in Mia's loss. It just is. A dichotomy we live with forever. But always, always, a strong current of love, running through everything we do, say and think.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

weakend?? How did that get through spellcheck???

The most beautiful, touching present - a lovely friend, another bereaved mother, has offered to use her professional talents to illustrate a story I wrote about Mia "The Princess of Smiles" for me and my family. She has made my Christmas. xx

[LilyTheSavage]

Weakend? Most unlike you Mia's

Aren't unexpected presents like this wonderful? What an amazing thing to happen. Random acts of kindness bring me to my knees.

These little nuggets of gold make your heart sing and cry all at once.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Feeling guilty. I have Mia's stocking, but we have forgotten to pack a framed photo of her, the very first time ever. I know that all the family have photos of her around, so we will see her as we stay with them, but that's not the point. We forgot.

As predicted, Finn's face glowed with happiness as he ate lunch with his big cousins, copying everything they did, showing off with a huge smile on his face. But my heart broke a little in seeing Cousin L, clear-eyed and lovely, seeing how grown-up and eloquent she is, as she told me very seriously that she has a photo of Mia in her own room. Cousin L wearing a dress which had been bought on a magical trip with my sister, the same time I had bought some lovely clothes for Mia three years ago. Mia should be wearing her share of big cousin hand-me-downs too.

[LilyTheSavage]

Don't beat yourself up Mia's. You could always print another picture off your phone and frame it. It's just not always possible to remember everything. Did you take the gorgeous Woolly Hug on the plane for DS?

I can just imagine the Rainbow Boy with his cousins. Precious moments... but always at the back of your mind that there should be one more little red-headed girl racing around with the tribe.

Sending you much love. XXX

[LilyTheSavage]

I lit a candle tonight and thought of your little red-headed sprite. It was freezing cold and a bright clear star-filled night. It was quite and peaceful.

I hope you have a peaceful and calm Christmas. Sending you love.