The never-ending love story : Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Two and a half years ago today, we woke to a little red-head climbing all over us, giggling and smiling, as she always did. It was Mr Mia's birthday, and all kinds of festivities were planned. Who ever knew that our world would change forever, when Mia died unexpectedly after only five hours in hospital.

Since then, we have been through the worst of days. Days I would never wish upon anyone, dark days without hope, without understanding, in an abyss of pain and confusion.

And I cried and I wrote. Here and in real life, I found so many friends, kind hearts willing to listen and support and encourage me to remember my cheeky girl with her crazy scream and sweet antics. Shared pain, unexpected but unstinting friendships, for which I will always be grateful.

We have been through Mia's inquest, have worked with the hospital to improve its care, and established Mia's Wood in her name. And when Finn arrived in our lives, joy re-entered as well. I still believe he is Mia's birthday present to me.

We find Mia's presence in so many things now. The ring I wear. The cloud kisses we see in the sky. The blackbird who sings on the rooftop. The iris and rose and red oak planted in our garden. The smile on her little brother's face, and the same look of wonder and curiosity.

Good friends also send me their thoughts of Mia, whether it is from a dream, something their children have said, a poem remembered. Knowing that Mia is still in their minds is enormously touching.

Mia is still with us, just not in a way I want. But it is all I have. So this is part of Mia's story, keeping her in our lives.

Mia darling, I just want you to know how much we love you. I want you to know that I carry you in my heart forever.

This is my love song to you, beautiful girl.

Mummy xx

[sparklingharbour]

Read your thread and am so sorry. Your last posts were very moving especially and I am thinking of you all.

[lostlalaloopsy]

Thinking of you and Mia x

[Jinglebells99]

Thinking of you and your beautiful Mia today. I think of Mia often.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

How we ever came home from hospital that terrible morning four years ago I will never know. An empty carseat, and minds screaming No!!

[Rowgtfc72]

Thinking of you all today x

[trulymadlydeeply]

Thinking of you, Mia's, with love to you all. 4 years ... so hard to believe.

Lots of love XXX

[QOD]

[FreckledLeopard]

Thinking of you and your beautiful daughter and family today.

[Yorkshirebornandbread]

Thinking of you today x

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

So here we are. The worst day of the calendar. Four years.

Finn asks so many questions, about everything. A constant stream of why and where and what. I always try to answer him honestly, with a level of detail he can understand and use.

My own whys are a background to everything I do. They cannot be answered. I just have to live around them, recognising they are part of me, knowing that any answer will never be sufficient. They cannot bring you back, my darling girl.

But how you are loved!! My happy, bouncy, noisy girl with your glowing curls and wide smile.

I cannot know who you would be now, a five-year-old in a school dress and a too-large backpack. I see that image so clearly, holding your daddy's hand.

But I can give you my love. I remember the wonder of kissing your soft skin, the joy of watching you laugh, the absolute contentment you brought into my life.

Today, of all days, I must concentrate on love. The blackness of your death, the void in our lives is immense, and will overwhelm if I let it. But no.

My never-ending love story. Mia. We miss you so.

Mummy xx

[millymae]

So pleased to see another post from you Mia's mummy's. Your beautiful little girl lives on in so many ways. Sending you and all those who love and miss her caring thoughts for tomorrow and the weekend.

[LilyTheSavage]

Hi Mia's
It's strange that the world keeps turning isn't it. Finn's questions must be so hard. So bitter-sweet. It must be very difficult to get the balance between giving him accurate information, not frightening him, and not making him feel as if everything revolves around Mia and her death. (This is something I really struggle with; getting a balance for my boys that their brother's death isn't more important than their lives). Forgive me if I've phrased that clumsily. I don't have any ill-intentions.

MiaFest sounds like another amazing tribute to your darling girl. How proud you must have been. How exhausted! I think it's going to just get better and better and go from strength to strength. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE that a Forest School is going to be in Mia's Wood. How wonderful. How perfect.

I will be thinking of you all tomorrow and have just raised a glass to the beautiful little red-headed sprite, and indeed, to you all.

Sending you very much love. And bluebells. XXXX

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

It's been months since I have been here. I haven't had a strong need to write, it has been easier not to delve into these raw emotions, and just to concentrate on the positive, wonderful things that have been happening this year. Tonight is a little different.

Perhaps I have been ultra-sensitive today, but it seems that the day has been filled with stories of loss, pain and grief. On top of this, Finn is testing his boundaries as any nearly-3-year-old does, but it still hurts being rejected for the first time by your beautiful boy.

A few months ago, Finn began to ask questions about Mia. Where is she? Why did she get sick? Did she go to 'hospitabal' in an ambulance? Why did she die? After listening carefully to my answers, he announced "Mia is my big sister. I look after her." I was so proud of him at that moment. He regularly asks more questions, as his comprehension grows, and often re-visits his thoughts about Mia. He did ask once if she died from eating too much chocolate cake, as he had seen a friend who was poorly from eating too many sweets. It's a fine line to tread, talking about sickness and death.

MiaFest in September was a huge success, with 500 people joining us for a fantastic day of 40 nature and craft activities, 9 live music performances, and delicious food from 7 different vendors. We still can't quite believe how amazing it was, and how ticket 'sold out' two weeks beforehand simply through local word-of-mouth. We also feel very humbled by the number of friends who so freely gave up time to help us prepare and run MiaFest. It was a very special day, filled with sunshine and happiness.

Most importantly, MiaFest gives us the opportunity to keep Mia's name as part of our everyday conversation. There are no new milestones to share, no start of school, no first ballet or gymnastics lessons, and this is our way to talk about her. Odd perhaps, but it works for us.

We are about to have a Forest School on Mia's Wood, an ambition we had hoped to fulfil in some years hence, but in a lovely touch of serendipity, the pre-school leader of one of Mia's friends has been seeking a local site. Very excited about this.

Mr Mia and I have been talking tonight about Friday and he has to work. We will 'celebrate' Mia on Saturday at Mia's Wood, with tears and tree-planting. It is a big birthday for him, so we deliberately chose to mark this milestone in July with a big party, the first time we have done so since Mia died.

So on Friday, Finn and I will be a little lost. I don't know what to do, how to 'be' as I will undoubtedly count down the hours of four years ago, and wonder what we could have, should have done differently, so that Finn could have a big sister sitting in the back of the car with him.

Missing you, darling girl. We are with you in an alternative universe, somewhere - that is my dearest hope.

[LiquorsOnDeck]

I read your story last night. It has broken my heart. Xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Lily, thank you for thinking of Mia on Christmas Day. We did have a lovely day, but with a houseful of 20 people, peaceful perhaps isn't the first word that comes to mind. That being said, we were with family, so that was wonderful.

Mia's stocking went up with all the others, and we distributed white china stars to the family from it.

Cousin L , a mischievous bright-eyed 4-year-old, is very taken with Finn and decided on Saturday she wanted to marry him… watching Finn round around with her and the other cousins is lovely, and they all do freely mention Mia, if she comes to mind. One of Mia's eldest cousins remembers her quite well, and likes to draw, and gave me the most poignant picture - one with me, MrMia, a red-headed older girl, and dark-haired little boy, with our names above. She titled it "MiasMummy's ideal family." Too true.

[LilyTheSavage]

I lit a candle tonight and thought of your little red-headed sprite. It was freezing cold and a bright clear star-filled night. It was quite and peaceful.

I hope you have a peaceful and calm Christmas. Sending you love.

[LilyTheSavage]

Don't beat yourself up Mia's. You could always print another picture off your phone and frame it. It's just not always possible to remember everything. Did you take the gorgeous Woolly Hug on the plane for DS?

I can just imagine the Rainbow Boy with his cousins. Precious moments... but always at the back of your mind that there should be one more little red-headed girl racing around with the tribe.

Sending you much love. XXX

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Feeling guilty. I have Mia's stocking, but we have forgotten to pack a framed photo of her, the very first time ever. I know that all the family have photos of her around, so we will see her as we stay with them, but that's not the point. We forgot.

As predicted, Finn's face glowed with happiness as he ate lunch with his big cousins, copying everything they did, showing off with a huge smile on his face. But my heart broke a little in seeing Cousin L, clear-eyed and lovely, seeing how grown-up and eloquent she is, as she told me very seriously that she has a photo of Mia in her own room. Cousin L wearing a dress which had been bought on a magical trip with my sister, the same time I had bought some lovely clothes for Mia three years ago. Mia should be wearing her share of big cousin hand-me-downs too.

[LilyTheSavage]

Weakend? Most unlike you Mia's

Aren't unexpected presents like this wonderful? What an amazing thing to happen. Random acts of kindness bring me to my knees.

These little nuggets of gold make your heart sing and cry all at once.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

weakend?? How did that get through spellcheck???

The most beautiful, touching present - a lovely friend, another bereaved mother, has offered to use her professional talents to illustrate a story I wrote about Mia "The Princess of Smiles" for me and my family. She has made my Christmas. xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

A weakend of two halves. One day spent with a little boy, blowing out candles, in happy noise and chaos. Then the next day, a more sombre time, as we joined together with other bereaved parents to decorate a beautiful Christmas tree with lovely porcelain stars for Mia and other children.

Someone asked me if it was hard, having two such events side by side. Not really. It is like that every day. I don't compartmentalise it too much. Joy in Finn's growth, pain in Mia's loss. It just is. A dichotomy we live with forever. But always, always, a strong current of love, running through everything we do, say and think.

[jmf294]

Belated happy birthday wishes to your lovely boy.
I think of you often and hope your Christmas trip is full of love and happy times with your family, and Mia is there with you in spirit and in your love x

[trulymadlydeeply]

Happy Birthday to Finn. it must be so odd that he is now older than his older sister. i hope you managed to have a lovely day with your precious boy,Mia's, and that you have a wonderful sunny Christmas with your folks.

Lots of love XXX